Young Writers Society

Dear You,

It makes me mad that even after I have told you several times you still think that I like him! Why would you think that? What do I have to do to make you see that I like you? I thought it was very obvious how I feel about you. Why can't you see it when everyone else can? Do I have to scream it at you? All I want to do is scream! YOU are the only guy that I like! I don't even like "him" from last year! You are my new HIM!

And this "game" that we are playing is beyond frustrating! It is getting really old really fast! I mean one minute you act like you like me and he next you totally ignore me. It makes me beyond mad! Yeah, I wouldn't want this to be easy but this is beyond rediculus! And it doesn't have to be like this!

I really want you to know this. . . I like YOU! I love going to Chemistry so that I can sit in front of you. I love looking back and seeing your beautiful blue eyes looking back into mine. I like it when you mess with me and how you laugh when I glare at you. And when you ran your hand up my back, I love the shivers that followed. I love how you know when something is wrong with me and how you know ne better than most. There's a million more things I could say that I love about you but I will only mention one more. I love how I can see us together forever.

Love Me

Hey Allie!

I am going to treat this like romantic fiction because... well... it's in the romantic fiction forum, not the nonfiction forum! So woo!

Anyway, a couple of things I noticed...

1. Him from last year

It seems weird that she mentioned "him" from last year and kept on mentioning it as a point of frustration. My question is, what made her move on from "him" to this new guy? Was it because this "him" treated her wrongly? Was it because he hurt her? Was it because they just drifted apart? Is it because he did something she could never forgive? Was it because he fell in love with this other girl, which your narrator couldn't ever forgive him for? Was it because something happened to "him" that totally changed his life, and not in a good way? I am thinking of my friend, who lost his mother due to a freak accident involving a car crash and a ditch. Overnight, he was a completely different person... a lot more withdrawn and tortured inside, if you will. Not a good change, but he was in the process of grieving, so it makes sense.

So, anyway, I want to find out about "him." By knowing why she moved on from him to this new guy, it speaks volumes about her character. For example, if this guy raped your narrator, it would be a completely different scenario than if this girl just got bored with him. In the first example, she is a tormented character. In the second, she's kind of vapid and easily distracted. So, big difference. Show us!

2. The new guy

Is that all that attracts her to him... seriously? The fact that he teases her in class and that he gives her mixed signals? That sounds like a pretty shallow relationship to me! I mean, it doesn't sound very romantic. You say this:

There's a million more things I could say that I love about you but I will only mention one more. I love how I can see us together forever.

It seems weird that there a million other things you could say, but you pick his teasing and his sending mixed signals and rank them as being the most important. It's good that he seems to know her well, but you don't really go into depth about this and show us what he does know about her. A little weird.

So! Flesh this out. Show us more about the person she fell out of love with ("him") and talk about this new guy, mentioning some of the things that she loves about him the most... the more romantic stuff.

Best of luck!

Howdy, Allie . I'm Walker, here to review this piece of fiction... hopefully? I'm not too sure if this is fiction or not, so lets just get on with the show!

Seeing as its so short and appears to be pretty alright in the grammatical area, I'm just going to jump to content.

Firstly, I wanted to state that I love lettered fiction so this was kind of cool. Back when I was younger, I used to read those 'The diary of' books about young women during different periods in history whereas everything was written as if a diary entry. I think thats what I enjoyed most about them, so in this case, I love that you wrote just a letter and left it at that.

But, as everything can be refined, I thought I would throw my two cents in.

So, when I initially clicked the link, I was expecting some kind of unfortunate love letter kind of deal. As I read it, I was a little but surprised and a little bit confused at the actual content of the letter. Referring to a problem right away makes the letter, in itself, look juvenile and childish. Especially if this is an actual letter (though unsent) we should think about how we'd want the other person to take it. When it comes to someone you love, the last thing you want to do is throw your frustration in their faces.

Secondly, if the emotion here was such a problem, letters wont solve it. Face to face would. So maybe I'm a sucker for romantic fiction in a prose sort of manner, but in this case, I'm not quite sure I liked the sort of emotional outlet you used. Even all capsing some words made it seem over done and overly dramatized. You're not about to convince readers, let alone one reader that this emotion is real when you say, "I dont like HIM. I like YOU. Why can YOU get that.' It just seems like a whole lot of screaming and carrying on. So, in any case, I would take this and break it down to the simplisitic tone you give with the style of language you use.

That being said, as something you want to be taken as a short story, trying lengthening it out a bit. Don't just tell us 'I LIKE YOU'. We get that. Its in romantic fiction after all. Show us. Even the cliche is enough to make people fall in love with a certain bit of fiction. In this case, its very frontal, in your face, and lacking any form of substance or reason.

So, keep refining and working!
~Walker

Reading this really disappointed me. I was expecting something really romantic and well written. This "romantic short story" would have been better sent through text message or IM. Maybe a diary entry, but what you've submitted here really isn't very good. The first two paragraphs are very lamely written with little emotion other than teen angst, and there's no imagery. Writing revolves around expressing your emotions while creating images and emotions that the reader will want to read. There's no point in publicizing your writing if no one's going to want to read it.

On the other hand, your last paragraph had some nice elements to it. It's like you calmed down and finally brought your writing skills to the table.

AllieMeadows wrote: I love looking back and seeing your beautiful blue eyes looking back into mine.

This is cheesy, but you're getting somewhere. Your progressing from your previous two paragraphs.

AllieMeadows wrote: I like it when you mess with me and how you laugh when I glare at you.

This has no emotion, and no imagery to it. It's lame.

AllieMeadows wrote:And when you ran your hand up my back, I love the shivers that followed.

This is good. It creates an image in the reader's head. This is the ONLY sentance in this piece of writing worth reading.

AllieMeadows wrote: I love how you know when something is wrong with me and how you know ne better than most. There's a million more things I could say that I love about you but I will only mention one more. I love how I can see us together forever.

All of this is another big cheese ball. It's not very original.

On a more positive note, I like how you put this piece of writing in the form of a letter with the "Dear you" and "Love me"

My over all critque is to take that one really good sentance, and go from there. You need to work on your grammar. also, SENTANCES DO NOT BEGIN WITH "And". If you use an "and", generally there should be a comma before it, meaning it's not a sentance starter.

Keep Writing.

xoxo,
Kiicoh.

It was a nice letter. I saw a few mistakes. Like for one spelling. You spelled ridiulous wrong it's not rediculus. but its not a big deal I too am not so good at spelling, but since I got a review I started doing a spell check. You should too.
You also had a few typos, but thats normal. Also work on your punctuation marks.

I do somewhat feel that it's lacking more details in the letter. Like why do you like this "new guy" and what made you dislike "the old guy". I would be nice to know more details about it. Well besides the minor errors I enjoyed reading. Keep writting

NITPICKS|CHANGED|PAY ATTENTION|ADDED

Helloooo, AllieMeadows! Here for a very quick review.

Caught a couple of typos, I think:

I love how you know when something is wrong with me and how you know me better than most.

Oh, and the other one I think was intentional, but I just wanted to suggest:

Love[color=#FF0040],
/color] Me

But you can ignore the latter.

There was a line that I didn't quite like:

You are my new HIM!

Why would you have a new him? When I clicked on this, I expected something quite romantic; not something a bit like... infatuation. The capitalized words seemed OK though 'cause it's a quick note of... that's the only thing I was a bit (only a bit) disappointed with... it felt like she was just like a note of something like infatuation really. Sorry. I hope that you add more detail to this. Even thought it's just a letter, I know you can elaborate on specific events that could give us a bit more feeling to this romance story. So yeah... this is where my review ends. KEEP ON WRITING!

Jash ♥

Hey,

Honestly, this seems sort of creepy. Maybe you were going for that, probably not, but the whole 'YOU are my new him!' and the crazy amount of exclaimation points sort of frightened me. xD I wrote a story sort of similar to this one in format, called Dear You, so forgive me if I subconsciously compare my story to yours. Nitpicks:

1. You used a lot of exclaimation points. It's really not needed. 11 sentences in your story have them and they aren't really necessary. Look at this:

My name is Amy! I love cheese! Cheese is great! So are ponies! And dolphins! My last name is Cabrat! I think that's funny! Do you think that's funny? I think that's it's super funny!

Don't you see how the exclaimations get annoying?

2. Your MC. No offense, but she seems sort of weird and obsessed and really ditzy. So your MC sits in front of this guy in Calculus or Chemistry or whatever and he touches her back and she shivers or something? Oh, he also laughs at her when she glares at him and he knows her better than anyone else? She's compllllleeetely over the 'HIM" from last year and totally ready to begin her journey to forever with this new "HIM". Plus, if this girl thinks so little of this old "him", what's to say in next year's English or History class, there won't be a new him with seductive green eyes that sits behind her? Your character seems shallow and self-concerned.

To be completely frank, this was like reading the thoughts of a second grader on crack. The story was so short and was like a punch to the face by a random midget on the subway; it left me confused, disoriented and a little pained. Try to write something longer and a little deeper next time, expand your characters and give us some description.

PM me if you have any questions or need another review.

~Jas

This does not really sound like a story to me you didn't use adjective or figurative language. If you want to submit this as a story add emotion so the reader wants to keep reading, because to be Hines tin the middle I almost just stop reading because it just wasn't interesting. So what I hope you will take away from this review is that you need to work on making it sound like a story.

I hope you don't feel like I am being mean I jus want to help

- Jedigeek

This does not really sound like a story to me you didn't use adjective or figurative language. If you want to submit this as a story add emotion so the reader wants to keep reading, because to be honest the middle I almost just stop reading because it just wasn't interesting. So what I hope you will take away from this review is that you need to work on making it sound like a story.

I hope you don't feel like I am being mean I jus want to help

- Jedigeek