Young Writers Society

People say I live the life of a fairy tale. Beautiful, compassionate, and waiting for my prince to return. Being engaged not only to a rich man, but one who that would throw away everything he has to be with me. And that’s what I love the most. Having somebody to love. But what I’m missing is having someone to love every night. My husband to – be, Marko is very busy man. He owns a business of trading, so he leaves a lot to go on the boats with his workers. Leaving me hurts him so, that sometimes he would have to cancel the rest of his mission just to see me.I love his passion, his brightness, courage, a list that can go on forever, that I have embedded deep into my heart. Though most people take him for granted with his richness, I really could never accept the idea of Marko being rich and snotty. He is good willing and true hearted that I know I would do anything for him. But some days those feelings pine away when he is gone for such a long time and can’t come back, I’m only left with the treasures he gives me.
One day, before he was to leave on a very long trip, he led me blind folded to what he said was his current mission. When I opened my eyes, he revealed the sight of a remarkable tower he built, all by himself out of beautiful stone for me. He told me that it was for me, to climb up and see all corners of the island, to search for his boat to race down to him. I gripped him so hard, I think he turned a slight pink before I let go of him. We talked all the way down to the dock, and just a moment before he got on, he gave me my last present of the day. A beautiful necklace with three seashells, he told me, for all the days he had been gone for numerous days. He whispered to me that every shore he shall reach for the rest of his life, he will choose one special shell and send it to me as reminder that he hasn’t forgotten. Again, I hugged and kissed him one last time before he left. But at that moment I didn’t know what was to be foreseen. I played a game of waiting, multiple days and nights, of course receiving the shells for every shore Marko had reached. But this one trip was unlike any other.
I played a game of long waiting. Waiting for his return. Every night I counted the seashells on my necklace, but i had stopped beacuse it had become too large and heavy for me to grieve. Years had gone by. I had started to become tired of running up and down the steps of tower. Untill I saw a boat come by, with a sailor of whom I thought was my love. But it was another man. A man, of which I haven’t spoken to one after Marko’s retreat, had caught the last bit of yearning love in me, and returned some to me. I spent many nights with him until I fell for his spell. I had stopped counting the days and nights of Marko’s absence. I gave another chance at love.
Now, I am an old woman, the wife of Peter and the mother of a beautiful young daughter, Monika. I have grown up and away from my crumbling young love to a life of devotion and promise. I let Monika go up into the tower as child to search for other sailors as I had found Peter.
Monika, after a few years of searching up and down on the tower, she had come back to me with a ring on her finger and a handsome young man. He was a wonderful gentleman, and it didn't take me long to grow fond of him. But when I met his father,my feelings changed. It was Marko, as old as I was, with another woman and his child, my Monika’s fiancé. Love comes and goes, and I had learned to accept their marriage, but never quite caught the meaning of Marko being family. With love comes hatred and hatred comes love. I guess Marko too, had gotten tired of playing the waiting game.

----* I am open to any suggestions for improvement... I wrote this a couple of months ago, and I still have get back on track to writing again. My new ones may be rusty, but I will continue on with writing.

hai! I'm Pointe and I'll be doing your review! So first of, WELCOME! You'll love the site, if you have ANY questions, just go here: http://youngwriterssociety.com/page_dis ... &post_id=0 Okay! lets get started!!

And that’s what I love the most, having somebody to love.

My husband to be, Marko

telling the young ones about his “battle

what young ones? I haven't heard of these young ones.

people take him for granted with his richness, I really could never accept the idea of Marko being rich and snotty. He is just so good willing and true hearted that I know I would do anything for him. But some days those feelings pine away when he is gone for such a long time and can’t come back, I’m only left with the treasures he gives me.

I notice your showing, not telling. This can get a little boring and really, I'm already tired of hearing the praises of this Marco dude. We need some faults too! this is the problem with most romance. "Oh he is so perfect, Oh! he did this for me, loves me so much." blah blah blah. Now, don't think I'm hating on your story. I acutally like that you haven't had so many grammar mistakes, and your really new. So kudos.

all by himself out of beautiful stone for me. He told me that it was

ALL BY HIMSELF???

for all the days he had been gone for numerous days.

What??


Okay, the ending was a little predictable. Its one of those, Oh she fell in love, he went away, she found her true love. Not that I don't respect that, and I'm sure its happened, but it just felt cliche.

points: (good and bad)
1. your grammar is really good
2. The story was cliche, all the way through
3. you told. Not showed.

It seemed really slow, like maple syrup dripping down a glass or something. Just slow, no description, your baasically just saying this happened, this happend and not giving us any feelings. What were her thoughts when she saw Marko leave? What did she feel when she saw the shells adding together on that necklace? What were her thoughts when she met Peter? What... You get the picture.

Hope I don't sound to harsh, it was a nice (if cliche) little story (and a good length to!)

~Pointe

DramaLlama got most of the nitpicks I would have normally put, so I will just give the one other I found:

He was a wonderful gentleman I had loved, until I met his father. Marko, as old as I was, with another woman and the child of my Monika’s fiancé.

I interpreted this as you used to know this man that Monika brought home, so I though Monika brought home Marko as her fiance. Then I was confused again, because you just met his father, and if you were engaged to Marko you would have already met his father, no? Then I thought really hard and finally figured out that Marko was the father of Monika's fiance. It took longer than I think should ever be necessary for a story. The second sentance was just wild, and I only thought of one solution for why it was so strange: you wrote it that way. There's no way to make sense of it unless you change it completely. Here is my suggestion for rewriting this entire quote: "He was a wonderful gentleman, and It didn't take long for me to love him, too. That is, until I met his father. Marko, as old as I was, was, with another woman and a child; my Monika's fiance.

Hope this helps. It's a great story, but it needs some clearing up and clarifying.

Hey-oh!

I liked the idea behind this, being a sort of psuedo-fairy tale. Quite interesting and a little sad.

I would have liked to have seen a little more of the growing-apart period, the way the waiting stretched out into distance between them. I mean, obviously, they were thinking about each other for a long time. He was sending her sea shells. When did he stop? Did he stop? How did she feel when the shells stopped coming? Had she begun to move on by then and they had simply been a pleasant reminder of him rather than something she pined over? This period was glossed over so much, the ending sort of felt weak. I mean, we spent so much time hearing about how wonderful Marko was and how she loved him and then we just sort of cut to her having a family. It just sort of jars the reader and doesn't give us much time to grow attached or really react to the change.

In formatting nipicks, the paragraphs here felt really, really long. There was so much information packed into them that they turned into this bricks of words that were very tempting to skip over and skipping or skimming led to missing large parts of the story. It's mostly an aesthetic thing, but large blocks of text are a bit daunting to read and with how dense yours were info-wise, the daunting factor was two-fold. Space things out? Break things up?

Love comes and goes, and I had learned to accept their marriage, but never quite caught the meaning of Marko being family.

This felt... odd. Why is it that she would have trouble accepting their marriage if she herself had moved onto another love. Isn't that a bit hypocritical of her? Also, why is it so odd to consider Marko family? Does she find any irony in that, that she should end up related to him by marriage in the end, but not in how she might have once hoped?

This was interesting, but I felt like it was lacking a little emotional punch. A bit more exploration of the growing apart would help, methinks. Break up the information a little, let the reader breath and absorb it all so they can move on to the next part.

Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions!

~GryphonFledgling

haha thank you! no you guys are not hypocritical or nipicking too much at all!!! I very much appreciate these comments you give me, and I will incorporate them into my new writings. I had to write this entry at a tournament in a 40 minute time frame, and considering the person I am, seems as if asking me to run a mile in a minute. Reading over my work, I see where I might have confused some people, and how I might have biffed on a few words.... I guess since this was a twist on an old family story, I might have not incorporated all the emotions and knowledge I wanted to write... excuse, excuse,excuse... but I think it was pretty well written, being my 3rd time writing an entry like that.. romance is not my strength I'm glad that I joined, so I can have you people to comment and read my work, for it encourages me:) Thank you! & there will be more soon!