I think you have a good piece here. It was grammatically sound and flowed well, keeping me engaged the whole way through. The descriptions you used were great and I could really imagine the setting, especially at the start of the piece.
I know you mentioned that they were arguing about Ian having cheated, but I'd still like to have seen a little more. Maybe some of the MC's (main character's) thoughts. Had he known Ian was cheating? Or had he been oblivious? Had he had a feeling that the relationship was rocky or had love blinded him? You do a good job of portraying the MC's thoughts throughout the story, so I think a little more of them here will really benefit the piece.
Also, the ending bothers me. It's almost like there isn't one. We find the MC reading the diaries, but we never get to find out what was in them. Have the MC say some of the 'pretty things' that Ian had written. I think it'll help add to the MC's hurt and enable the reader to sympathise with him more. As for the ending, I'd like to see some more thoughts. Is he glad he left that day? Glad he never saw Ian again? Or is he still in love with Ian and he's finding it hard to move on? Some more info will help to complete the story somewhat, instead of having it hanging with the reader going - well, was that it? It was a bit of an anti-climax, but some thoughts could help to bulk it up a bit and leave the reader feeling something.
I did find a mistake -
that only loved themselves
'themselves' should be 'themself'
***
Overall though, I do this this story is great and I think it has the potential to be even better. With more thoughts and great descriptions of how the MC is really feeling - heartbroken, angry, sad - we'll really get to see a solid character that we feel for.
Thanks for the read and I hope my review helps!
xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.
'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
Oh, this is wonderful! Everything is set up so beautifully and the words aren't forced or awkward. It almost made me feel as if I were listening to a song. It faintly resembles a story, but it just seems so.. poetic? I love how you focused solely on the meaning and the word choice, but at the same time I had trouble fully connecting with the point-of-view character. You probably would have established more of a connection with the character's feelings if you had added a little excerpt from journals, and perhaps given us more information about the cheating. You dived straight into the events of the story without much of a background to let us understand, no matter how strong the emotions were that you conveyed. You could easily improve upon this with a little more information about what happened in the past, though overall this is fantastic. Great job!
You treat life like a picture but it's not a moment that's frozen in time
heyy there =]. This honestly made me want to cry. Like a lot. And I think I only found one grammatical error. You said sneaked somewhere and it should have been snuck. I think. Ha ha. But anyway. I can relate to this... one hundred percent. As I was reading this I just kept thinking, oh my god. Who is this person and how do they know... everything that I've gone through? I've been in those shoes before... I've been in that bed and had those books in my hands. I want to give you major props for writing this piece and I sincerely can't wait to read more. Also, you have earned a follow, meaning I'm gonna creep on you until I see you've written more =] Superb job.
That was amazingly well written, sad, but amazing. I'm a beginner to all this posting my work online and reading others, but that's just so freaking amazing. Awesome job.
That was amazingly well written, sad, but amazing. I'm a beginner to all this posting my work online and reading others, but that's just so freaking amazing. Awesome job.
This is sad. And you had successfully managed to make your readers feel that "this is going to be a sad story" since the beginning. Your words are wonderful, too. Also, the whole time I'd been reading, I kept guessing. I kept guessing how this story would end and why the characters were like that at first. You really did a good job.
Anyway, I'm a newbie here and this is the first work I've read. I'm more impressed with this site now.
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Reviews: 49