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Far Away...



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Mon Jun 13, 2011 6:00 pm
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kjr5horses says...



This is for a contest. For some reason I always think about the song Far Away by Nickelback when I read this piece so I thought I would see how it did in the contest. PLEASE REVIEW ;) This piece is on my list to edit soon so...yeah....enjoy? Maybe....

Varfer kissed Sameira lightly on the cheek; her long flowing red hair was braided neatly to the side. He did not want to leave her; he did not want to go back to his father’s castle. They had been apart for far too long. He wanted to be with her, he couldn’t leave.

“I will return in three days.” Sameira smiled fiddling with the simple golden band that was wrapped around her finger. Varfer watched as she mounted Hadack, the chestnut stallion reared galloping into the surrounding forest.

Just three more days…

He leapt onto Raidnk, the bay stallion waited patiently for his master’s command. Varfer kicked his steed into a rolling canter; they made their way through the woods and back to Myrddin’s castle.
“~”~”~”

Myrddin wiped the blood from his sword; a man lay dead on the floor. He had spoken before Myrddin had addressed him.

“Enter.”

Three guards drug a young red haired woman into the throne room. Myrddin smiled, he had finally found out who had been betraying him, and now he was going to pay.
“~”~”~”

Varfer dismounted his stallion, Dien, his servant and friend, ran up to him.
“What’s the matter Dien?” Varfer asked, seeing the concern on his friends face.

“You have to leave now! Myrddin found out about you.” Dien said in between breaths, Varfer looked up at the sky.

But how did he…NO!

Dien saw the look on his masters face, “Varfer you cannot save lady Sameira alone, go and get help from Kauai, don’t be foolish!”

Dien’s words did not enter Varfer’s ears, he walked confidently into his father’s fortress, he reached the large doors that lead into the throne room. He could not show any emotion for Sameira, if he did Myrddin would most likely kill her.

The black doors swung open slowly revealing Myrddin standing just in front of his throne. “Come in.” Myrddin said smoothly gesturing to Varfer.

Varfer nodded respectfully, and walked into the grand room. Stopping just a few feet from his father. He waited for Myrddin to speak first.

“Have you located the traitor?” Myrddin asked, his lips curled into a half a smile.

“No father, my men are continuing to search for him as we speak.”

“Well their services will not be needed anymore.” Myrddin signaled for the girl to be brought out.

Varfer watched as two Cyth brought Sameira to Myrddin, she did not make eye contact with Varfer instead she looked at the cold stone floor.

“What do you intend to do with her?” Varfer asked his voice cold and emotionless.

Myrddin smiled, “My intensions are of no concern to you, how long did you think your little secret would last?”

“What secret father? You think that I your own son would betray you to the rebels?” Varfer watched as his father walked up to Sameira pulling out a long silver blade, he looked back at Varfer.

“You are right, why would my own son join the Rebellion.” Myrddin placed a hand on Sameira’s shoulder, “If she means nothing to you then.” He pulled the blade back but just before it hit Sameira Varfer took a step forward.
Myrddin stopped and turned to his son.

I knew it.

Three large Cyth came up behind Varfer; disarming him they held him firmly.

“Take them to the dungeons.” Myrddin smiled, “And make sure that they can see each other.”
“~”~”~”

Kaius entered Myrddin’s throne room, bowing ever so slightly before the lord. A silver chain hung around the Cyth’s neck vanishing beneath his crimson tunic.

“What do you want Kaius?” Myrddin asked his voice tense. A servant cowered in the far corner seeing the Cyth.

Kaius smiled, glancing at the servant, then back at Myrddin. “Oh, nothing my lord.” He paused, taking a few steps closer to him, Myrddin stood his ground. “I just wanted to see for myself what the young Varfer has done, tell me what do you plan to do with him?”

Myrddin looked down slightly, he wanted to defy the Cyth but could not the consequences would be disastrous.
The Cyth watched his every mood, he chuckled slightly. “I would not go against the King if that’s what you were thinking.”

“No, I will do whatever Karawan wants.” Myrddin looked into the Cyth’s dark emotionless eyes, he was defeated.
As long as Karawan has the upper hand no one will be able to stop him.

“Smart answer,” Kaius closed the gap between them, “Don’t ever think about defying your king again.”

Myrddin watched as the Cyth left the room closing the heavy doors behind him. Once the doors had been locked Myrddin sat down heavily onto his throne running his hands through his hair.

How many more will betray me?

He remembered the few years he had had with his parents,

First they beat me and then sell me to Karawan! Of all people!

He remembered his unfaithful, traitorous wench of a wife,

She gives me a son and then runs off with an assassin,

And now his son was a spy for the Rebellion,

When will it end? Is there anyone who I can trust? Is there anyone good anymore?

Myrddin stood up heading for the dungeons,

It will never end, there is no one worth putting trust in, and there is none good no not one.

He had no hope of escaping Karawan’s grasp, he was his slave. Karawan was his master and he was to do his bidding. No matter the assignment. No matter the cost.

I have to protect Varfer he is all I have left!
“~”~”~”

The Cyth opened the cell door pushing Varfer into it. Another Cyth brought Sameira in behind them. Varfer’s hands were bound to the back of the chamber. The cold lifeless chains grasped his wrists constricting them. The chains were just long enough that he could move over to Sameira but short enough that he was just out of reach.

Chuckling the Cyth backed away from Varfer, turning to his companion. “Hurry up!”

The other Cyth finished binding Sameira’s hands. Walking behind her he pulled a lever lifting Sameira into the air. She gasped as her weight was put fully on her wrists. The Cyth smiled as they left the cell, leaving them alone in the dark room.

Varfer moved towards her, the chains jerked him back. He pulled on them trying the get closer to her, “I will get us out of here. We will escape!”

Sameira smiled trying to reassure him. “Varfer I don’t think-”

“Don’t say that! We will get out. We will find a way!” Varfer pulled on his chains, the sound of metal on stone echoed in the dark chamber.

He stopped as the sound of falling footsteps filled the halls and stopped in front of the chamber. Myrddin entered the torture chamber, a Cyth followed behind him. Varfer recognized him instantly as Abbas. He was the Cyth in charge of training all of Myrddin’s Cyth. The few human’s he had dealt with never made it out of the torture chambers alive.

Not him! Anyone but him!

Varfer pulled on his chains as Abbas walked over to Sameira a dark smile on his face. Myrddin stood between Varfer and Sameira briefly, before turning to his son. He saw the fear, the rage in Varfer’s eyes. He wanted to hold him and stop this madness, but he could not.

“You can either rip out your son’s heart or you can kill him. It’s your choice Myrddin.”

Karawan’s words echoed in his mind. Myrddin looked into his son’s eyes, “Varfer I-”

The cell door groaned, Myrddin looked over his should briefly, seeing Kaius who was leaning on the door.
Varfer looked past his father and watched as Abbas ripped the back of Sameira’s shirt open revealing her back. Varfer returned his gaze back to Myrddin and for a moment he thought he saw a small glint of sorrow in his father’s eyes, but they quickly hardened.

Myrddin stooped down, looking into his son’s eyes, “I don’t want to do this Varfer. You know I don’t.” He paused, “Just tell me where their camp is and I will let you and the girl live. You have my word.”

Varfer stared back at his father. He knew his father; he had never enjoyed seeing others suffer. The only time Myrddin had ever watched a torture session with a Cyth was when Karawan forced him to when he was younger. He knew he would keep his word.

I cannot betray Kauai…I cannot turn against Sameira. Or the Rebellion!

Varfer glanced at Sameira tears filled his eyes; she gave him a signal a slight nod. “I will never betray the Rebellion.” Varfer said, his voice was barely a whisper.

Myrddin shook his head, “Varfer, are you sure you want to do that?” He said lowering his voice.

Varfer looked at his father confused, but did not answer.

Myrddin nodded in reply, standing he looked at Abbas, “Do it.”
Abbas turned to the table beside him, grabbing a thin dagger. Its blade twisted around itself, small barbs stuck out from some of the edges. He walked towards Sameira smiling, “I’m going to enjoy this.”

Myrddin turned to leave, Kaius stood in his way, “You don’t want to watch?” Kaius backed away allowing Myrddin to pass by.

He had barely closed the door behind him, when a blood curdling scream penetrated the walls of the fortress.
“~”~”~”

Dien entered Myrddin’s private chamber, Myrddin stood seeing his son’s best friend and servant walk through the door. “There is a man who can help you get Varfer and the girl out. My guards last saw him at the Northern Tavern; he goes by the name of Saso.” Myrddin paused looking Dien in the eye, “Karawan’s Cyth will be everywhere, and if you get caught there is nothing that I can do to help you.”

Dien nodded, and left quickly making his way out of the castle. He grabbed a horse from the stables and galloped through the streets heading towards the tavern.

He pulled the gelding to a stop; a man with orange eyes was flying!

How is he doing that? And why is he upside down?

Dien watched as the man, flipped through the air,

What is that? Is he…is he singing?


“I am flying, flying, just flying like a bird!” He paused a look on his face. “Or a fish!” He flew toward a man sitting on a horse nearby. “Hi, my name is Sa…sa…sa…so, my name is Saso!”

Dien watched the drunken man fly toward him, still upside down, unable to completely control himself.

This is Saso? This is the man that is supposed to help Varfer? Where is a cold bucket of water when you need it!
“Can you…um…land?” Dien said, uncertain that Saso could get Varfer and Sameira out of Myrddin’s fortress alive.

“Land? Yep, land I can.” Saso reached across his body and pulled his ring from his finger. Saso crashed to the ground head first in front of Dien’s horse, and right into a water puddle. “Oh! Cold, wet! Wet and cold!” Saso stood shaking his head. “My head!” He looked up. “Who are you?”

“My name is Dien…Sir…I was sent to find you. Lord Varfer and Lady Sameira are being tortured in Myrddin’s dungeons.” Dien was growing impatient every minute that was wasted talking to Saso was another minute his friends were being subjected to Karawan’s Cyth.

Saso looked at him. “Sameira? I am looking for her.” Saso shook his head again. “What’s this about a dungeon?”

“Varfer is Myrddin’s son, he is also a spy for the Rebellion and Sameira is his fiancé. Myrddin found them out and captured them.” Dien paused briefly, “Myrddin has his best Cyth…dealing with them. We have to go now!”

Saso listened to Dien and saw opportunity.

If I help save the spy and his lover then I might just have a chance of convincing the rebellion that I want to help them.

“Lead the way.” Saso answered putting his ring back on.
“~”~”~”

Tears streamed down Varfer’s face, he pulled on his chains but they did not give. He was helpless there was nothing that he could do to save his love.

Sameira was strong but the Cyth had broken her, her voice had become hoarse so she could no longer scream. She could not breathe, blood soaked the dungeon floor. Her wrists had broken a long time ago from hanging for so long.
She stared at Varfer; her eyes were filled with tears, and red with exhaustion. Varfer pulled on his chains, yelling in as the shackles cut through his flesh. Blood flowed from where Sameira hung down to Varfer’s feet. He could do nothing, it was hopeless.
“~”~”~”

Dien led Saso through the servant’s quarters and into a secret tunnel. Saso followed Dien through the passageway; suddenly a hoarse scream came from their left. Dien stopped and pushed on one of the stone bricks.

The Cyth is still there…

The wall pushed forward revealing the dreadful scene. A woman with red hair hung from the ceiling her shirt torn and covered with blood, and a young man was chained to the floor, forced to watch his loved one suffer.

Saso looked from the girl, to the young man and back to the girl.

A Cyth! Great, no problem, kill the Cyth rescue the damsel in distress and her lover, and stay alive.

“Is that the only door besides this one?” Saso asked in a whisper.

Dien nodded, not taking his eyes off his master and the lady Sameira.

“Does anyone else know about this passage way?” Saso twisted the ring on his finger.

“No, only Varfer and the lady know of this passage.”

Saso nodded. "Can you pick a lock? Quickly?”

“Why pick a lock when you have the key?” Dien said, showing Saso the key.

“Even better!” Saso drew his sword quietly. “I am so drunk right now!”

The Cyth had his back turned to the passage way. Saso quietly slipped out and pushed the door closed behind him. He lifted from the ground hovering quietly above the Cyth. Saso bumped into the roof, the Cyth looked up.

“Hi.” Saso waved slightly.

The Cyth did not hesitate; he threw the object he was holding at Saso. Saso swung his sword nocking the weapon aside.

“Cool that never works!”

Saso dropped quickly swinging his sword. The Cyth avoided Saso’s blade and grabbed a whip that was nearby. The whip singed through the air rapping around Saso’s arm.

Saso felt the pain but it did not seem to bother him. He slid his blade cutting the whip. “I am drunk! I love being drunk!” Saso spun through the air quickly shooting forward.

The Cyth did not have time to react as Saso swung his blade. Saso was aiming for his head but cut his legs out from underneath him instead. “I missed.” Saso swung again this time decapitating the Cyth.

Dien emerged from the passage way and quickly unlocked Varfer’s chains. Varfer jumped up grabbing the key from Dien, and rushed over to Sameira, freeing her form her chains. She collapsed into his arms; Dien took off his vest and handed it to Varfer who quickly covered up her exposed back. She smiled weakly at Varfer before going unconscious.

“Come we must leave now!” Varfer carried Sameira following Dien. Saso floated closely behind them.

Dien lead them the same way they had come in, horses were waiting for them Dien climbed onto one, Varfer placed Sameira on one of the stallions, holding her in place he leapt on, kicking the horse into a gallop. Saso flew above them, still drunk he somehow flew straight avoiding all the birds.

They were well into the forest, when Sameira regained consciousness. Varfer stopped the stallion, and caressed her face gently. “I’m…sorry.”

She tried to smile but she let out a soft cry as pain rocketed through her body. Abbas had done his work well. “Varfer,” He looked into her soft blue eyes, “Will you…will you dance with me one last time?” She was struggling to breathe.

He shook his head, “Don’t talk like that.” He took one of her hands, “You will make it, you’ll see.”

Sameira smiled slightly, squeezing his hand weakly. “You know I won’t-” She took a deep breath; “I won’t make it to the camp.”

“No, no! You will see your family again. You will make it.” Tears started to roll down Varfer’s face, “You have to make it.”

Sameira saw the fear in his eyes, “I need you to be strong Varfer.” She kissed his hand, “Please, just one more time.”

Varfer shook his head, not saying a word. Dismounting the stallion he cradled Sameira in his arms. Dien stayed with the horses. He carried Sameira farther into the forest to a small clearing. Wild flowers surrounded them, Sameira smiled at Varfer.

They began to dance slowly. Varfer looked down at his love.

Please Melekh! Please don’t take her away…I need her…

Sameira gasped for air, “I love you Varfer, and we will see each other again.”

Varfer held her close, “How am I going to live without you?” His voice wavered, Sameira could barely breath.

Smiling she said, “You will manage.”

“I love you. Always have and always will.” He whispered, tears streamed down his face landing on Sameira, she caressed his face trying her best to reassure him. Her hand fell from his face, hanging loosely at her side. Varfer felt the life leave her; he fell to the ground, holding her lifeless body in his arms.
Last edited by kjr5horses on Mon Jun 13, 2011 11:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Me I'm dishonest but a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly its the honest ones you have to watch out for because you can never tell when they are going to do something incredibly...stupid." ~Capt. Jack Sparrow
  





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Mon Jun 13, 2011 11:04 pm
freewritersavvy says...



*Sniff* Never mind I am crying!
http://www.isiseiyr.com
~When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world. ~ George Carver

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Tue Jun 14, 2011 2:39 pm
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kjr5horses says...



Yes...I know...

I already have your review anyways! Lol :)

Can't wait to see what others think!

KJR
"Me I'm dishonest but a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly its the honest ones you have to watch out for because you can never tell when they are going to do something incredibly...stupid." ~Capt. Jack Sparrow
  





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Mon Jun 20, 2011 5:58 pm
lilymoore says...



Hey there, horses! Here for the first of two reviews! Since it’s for a contest, I’ll focus a good deal on nitpicks and such, okay!


He leapt onto Raidnk, the bay stallion waited patiently for his master’s command.


This is actually a run on sentence. You can either change the comma into a semi-colon to fix it or you

Dien’s words did not enter Varfer’s ears, he walked confidently into his father’s fortress, he reached the large doors that lead into the throne room. He could not show any emotion for Sameira, if he did Myrddin would most likely kill her.


This, too, is a giant run-on sentence. Well, two run on sentences but, yeah.

Varfer nodded respectfully, and walked into the grand room. Stopping just a few feet from his father.


That second sentence is actually a fragment but it could very easily be blended into the first sentence with a comma.



Okay, I was going to sit here and nitpick but I’ll just sum this up into one big problem that you have with run-on and fragmented sentences. You have a lot of both of these throughout which can make you look, well, not good. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of changing a punctuation mark or rewording a few things here and there but it’s not an impossible task.


and there is none good no not one.


Do you mean “no one?” Also, there should be a comma on either side of “no” (the second one) to point out that it is an interjection.

He stopped as the sound of falling footsteps filled the halls and stopped in front of the chamber.


“stopped” is a bit repetitive here and repetition can really ruin a piece.

He pulled the gelding to a stop; a man with orange eyes was flying!


This is very abrupt because you hardly get a sense of him riding before he has stopped again. Also, the exclamation mark can feel a bit juvenile.

Varfer pulled on his chains, yelling in as the shackles cut through his flesh.


“in” makes this whole sentence seem very, umm, nonsensical.

The whip singed through the air rapping around Saso’s arm.


Now don’t quote me on this one but I think “singed” should be “sang” and “rapping” should be “wrapping.”


I don’t mean to sound mean about this but you need a lot of work with this as far as a couple of things go.

Saso
Okay, to be honest, his character is very hard to believe, mainly because unless you’re a past-her-prime single woman whose chances of ever finding a husband have just been washed down the drain and she’s out drinking Cosmopolitans with her girls, (or my friend Ellen) most people don’t drink and then run around professing their drunkenness. This resulted in a lot of his dialogue feeling forces and rather childish.

Lovers for Lover’s Sake
Just because a writer says that a pair of lovers love each other, it doesn’t automatically mean that their characters are in love. Right now, neither of them sets off much spark as people at all so they seem a bit like skeletons in love because you say they’re in love. They need more characterization.

So Many People
You have such a huge cast for such a small story that it’s hard to connect with any one character for any specific amount of time. So the characters just feel like names. To add to that, the Cyth characters are all over the story but what are they. It’s never made clear.

Jump Jump Jump
You do, especially at the beginning of the story, jump around a lot and it can be very distracting. You jump in your grammar too. You have your italicized lines that end in commas and then cut down and jump to the next line of action which you really don’t need to do.


Good luck with the contest horses and if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to PM me.
~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.
  





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Mon Jun 20, 2011 6:49 pm
kjr5horses says...



This is not a short story....just a short part of a longer more thought out explained story....

Does Jack Sparrow act more like an adult or a child? (Saso is kinda like Jack in my opinion.)

Yes I know I have issues with those, but as I said this just a very very small piece of a much larger story that has yet to be fully edited yet, its been slightly rewritten, thus the 'in' you pointed out was not supposed to be there I was playing around with that part and I didn't back space enough.

Anyways...Oh and the Cyth....just wait a few years....and you will understand. It will all become clear and everyone will grow attached to these characters and understand...mwahahhahah


KJR
"Me I'm dishonest but a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly its the honest ones you have to watch out for because you can never tell when they are going to do something incredibly...stupid." ~Capt. Jack Sparrow
  








You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You’ve just crossed over into… the Twilight Zone.
— Rod Serling