Young Writers Society

I really liked this piece. I was slightly confused as to what kind of relationship the boy and girl had with each other but I was confused in a good way if that makes any sense. Yes there could ahve been more details but I didn't mind that much. I was intrigued and that kept me reading. Very nice work!

lilymoore wrote:He sat at the opposite end of the couch, [s]inhaling on[/s]"smoking" would seem more appropriate his cigarette and playing with my cell phone.

I watched him coyly, silently, nearly predatorily. That sounds awkward. Don't know how to fix it, though

Very abruptly, he looked over at me and stuck out his tongue with a big smile plastered across his chubby face. Max. My sweet little Max. Though I was only a year older then him, I felt like such a child and mother to[s]o[/s] him in an uncontrollable pattern.

I mimicked his smile but I couldn’t made "make," perhaps? myself fall into him the way I almost instinctively knew he wanted me too.
“If I wanted to win you, how would I do it?”

“Depends on whether or you want me to win you.” Max grinned at the cheekiness of his response.
My heart shuddered and I could feel my leg twitching uncontrollably out of nervous habit. “You’ve already won me. Why would you want to give me up?”

For a moment, when I read "first YWS submission," I mistook it for "first story." I was about to go, "no way!"

Mm, anyway, this was a very good piece. I like the characters (even if there were only main ones).

My corrections are the red marks, of course. I didn't bother adding a comment to each section because I didn't feel them necessary.

I hope I helped.

Happy writing!
Rachael

I don't think there is much to correct as the story is pretty much perfect.

I liked the word games and the mind games being played by the two.Its quite interesting to see how the girl will ultimately surrender to him though we have that feeling even before it happens.

The part relating to trouble was fine as that was the basis for the chemistry between the two.

A perfect story for charged teenagers.

Firstly, i thought the piece was extremely cute.

Aside from all that everyone else said about the word predatorily (which I think should be a word and worked quite well), the only fault I found that annoyed me was the repetition of "plastered" when you're describing the "almost- Draco's" expression as he sticks his toungue out at the narrator. I don't know if this was done intentionally, but if it was, it just doesn't work for me.

I was also slightly confused about the narrator. Supposedly, she was about 14 and he was 13? I just thought that the mode of adress she used would be too sophisticated for a child of this age, it sounds like an adult to me. Correct me if I'm wrong (I'm under the impression that the sixth grade is for children of 11 years old?) And if it was your intent to make the character sound older than they were, you have succeeded! :L

Other than that, very well written and it's a realistic representation in regards to the way the characters act.

Well, everything that i saw has already been pointed out so...all i have to say is that was really good and it ended perfectly i'd like to read more with these characters in it.
Good Job

Holy wow, 9 stars. Thanks everyone.

What the Illama? Since when can you give stars?