Young Writers Society

If you haven't read part one, I recommend you do it, since you'll be confused.

FOR PART 1- post869706.html#p869706

When Sam saw me, he smiled and spread his arms so I could fit right in, giving me a tight hug.

“You were awesome,” I said. He didn’t answer. Instead, he looked over my head to Trevor, who was still standing behind me.

“Hey man, it’s been a long time.” Sam's voice surprised me. He sounded like he knew Trevor.

“I know. She’s right, you guys were pretty good.” Trevor smiled again, eyes flashing just for a second toward me and then coming back to settle on Sam’s face. It made me shiver, and I knew it shouldn’t have. It felt wrong to stand next to Sam, wrong to look him in the eyes and smile. Not after what happened between Trevor and I. I felt like a cheater, someone who didn't even deserve to be surrounded by strong arms- Sam's arms. And I knew I felt bad and sad, but somehow, deep inside, some tiny part of me was signing and dancing, happy to have met Trevor.

“You guys know each other?” I asked, looking from one to the other. Trevor winked at me, smiling once again, like nothing was wrong with this situation. I forced a smile, trying to cover the guilty look that I knew was making its way onto my features.

“Yeah, we went to school together for a bit,” Sam said, taking me by the waist. I had the impulse to push him away, but I got myself together before I could even move my hand. Trevor seemed to see the conflict inside of me, his blue eyes pouring into mine, making my world swirl. A tumble of contradicting thoughts flew inside my head like hundreds of tiny birds. Yes. No. Sam. Trevor.

“I should go. For Today’s about to begin and the mosh’s going to be insane. It was nice to see you again.” Trevor smirked, shaking Sam’s hand and grabbing my arm in a sort of embrace, making my skin tingle. He walked away, saying hello and nodding to a few other guys before finally disappearing.

“How did you guys meet?” Sam asked, planting a kiss on my forehead. "It’s completely packed out there."

“I was stuck beneath people during the Wall Of Death, he got me out and we went outside for air.” I heard him sigh beside me.

“I don’t like it when you’re in mosh pits and stuff like that. Somebody could really hurt you...” He drifted off, his arm around my waist tightening. I couldn’t help but compare him to Trevor. Sam was overprotective when Trevor had admired me for having the guts to go in there.

“Well I didn’t.” He didn’t answer but veered me to the right, where a few of his band mates where talking and putting away their guitars. They said their hello’s and I smiled, not bothering to actually use words. I was tired and I wanted to go. Unfortunately, I knew that Sam wasn’t ready to go just yet. He would be talking with other guys, technicians, fans... The usual after a show. Whenever I was with him, I knew that I had to put up with it, at least for a little while. I also knew that he didn't mean to leave me out, or to impose himself, but it was his friends, and his time, like he had explained to me one time. I had freaked plenty of times, but now I was just used to it, and I shut my mouth. I owed him that at least.

He left to go sit with his friends on a couch, dragging me by the hand. We sat down and he talked for a while, just saying stupid things and laughing, but he didn’t even realize that I wasn’t joining in. I was fidgeting with my phone instead. Taking it out of my pocket, opening it, closing it, putting it back in. And then back again, turning it in my shaky palms.

“I need to go to the bathroom,” I whispered in Sam’s ear, leaving the seat beside him.

"Are you okay?" He asked, the corners of his mouth slightly up in a smile. Paul, the drummer, was talking about the latest party he was at, and apparently, everyone was finding his story very funny.

"Yeah, I just need some air, I'm a little bit tired." I smiled at him, looking right into his eyes. I could see a spark there, probably the adrenaline from the show still tingling in his veins. He was always gleaming when he was on stage, and I thought he looked wonderful and alive. It was his passion after all.

"You want to go home? We can go. I mean..." He drifted off, arms flexing like he was about to get up. I could see a little concern hidden away in his features, like he wanted to make sure I was happy. I knew him well enough to know that he just wanted me to be comfortable, and if I wasn't, he would have no problem to go and leave his friends.

"No, it's fine. You can stay here, I'm going to hitch up a ride. But thanks anyways," I tried to be as convincing as I could. He seemed like he was okay with it, and he nodded, pulling me back against him to steal a kiss from my lips. I tried to resist him, turning my head on the side so his lips crushed against my cheek. I didn't look back when I walked away, feeling sick and wrong.

I walked fast to the bathroom, closing the door and locking it when I finally got there. I felt like crying for no reason at all. I looked myself in the mirror, disgusted by the water that was filling my eyes. God, what is wrong with me?

I slid my back down the wall until I was sitting on the ground. I took out my cell, searching for Trevor's name in my contact list. I found it and when I did, I let out a breath, like I was happy he had actually done it.

I typed and sent a message. His answer came in fast; I didn’t even have to the time put my cell back into my pocket. I asked him how was the concert so far and he answered he wasn’t there anymore.

I’m back home, do you want me to pick you up? I typed back the answer with trembling hands, maybe of excitement, or nervousness, or even of disgust. I didn’t know really.

I’ll be there in a few minutes, wait for me outside.

I didn’t even take the time to respond. I just had to get out, and the faster, the better. I wasn't sure if my brain had just turned off and I just couldn't even think about anything, or I just tuned all the guilty speeches my mind was rambling.

I got up and walked to the front of the venue, careful to hide from Sam’s view.
When I got to the front, I only had to wait a few minutes before a blue corolla Daari pulled up beside me. Trevor stretched across the passenger seat to open the door for me, calling me to get in.

Hey again Otherone!

I'm back for more

So, I think this part has room for improvement. I like it as it is, but I feel like it needs fleshing out a bit more. I want to see and feel more of the conflict that Tess is feeling inside of her. Is she angry at herself for kissing Trevor? Angry at Trevor for confusing her relationship with Sam? Frustrated? Sad? I know if I were in that situation, I imagine I'd be feeling all of those things. Really put yourself in her shoes - it'll allow the way you feel to leak into your character, making the whole thing more believable and deep.

The ending felt incomplete to me. I guess, in a way, she chose Trevor because she left Sam at the gig and asked Trevor for a ride home. But then again, I feel cheated. I want to know more obviously who she chose and why. I think the ending either needs expanding, or you need to add in another part. Maybe the morning after, where we see the decisions she's made - phone calls to Sam and Trevor etc.

I did spot a few things that I want to mention to you -

“You were awesome.”

I think you should add in information on who's speaking, just to make it clearer. I know that it's Tess from reading on, but I think a 'I said' would benefit.

he looked over my head, to Trevor

I don't think you need the comma.

“Hey man, it’s been a long time.” His voice surprised me.

Again, I think more information on who's speaking is needed. Maybe change 'His' to 'Sam's'

It felt wrong to stand next to Sam, wrong to look him in the eyes and smile.

Maybe you could add in her thoughts on the kiss here. The kiss doesn't seem to be mentioned at all in this part, when really, it should be taking over her thoughts. If you bring it up here, it'll help to back up why she feels wrong. E.g;

'It felt wrong to stand next to Sam, wrong to look him in the eyes and smile. The kiss with Trevor flashed in my mind and I winced, immediately hoping the grimace hadn't made its way onto my face. I squeezed Sam's side to try and shut the voice up in my head that was telling me I should be with Trevor.'

It's a bit of a lame example, but you get the idea.

grabbing my arm in a sort of embrace.

Does her skin tingle at the contact or does she wish he hadn't touched her? More conflict!

and nodded to a few

'nodding'

“How did you guys meet, it’s completely packed out there,” Same asked, planting a kiss on my forehead.

I think this would be better as -

'“How did you guys meet?" Sam asked, planting a kiss on my forehead. "It’s completely packed out there.”'

“
Well I didn’t.”

The extra spacing's just a typo.

that I wasn’t talking.

As you already say 'talked' in this sentence, maybe change 'talking' to 'joining in'

'that I wasn’t joining in.'

No, I was fidgeting with my phone.

Try - 'I was fidgeting with my phone instead.' - as I think the 'No' part doesn't fit with the voice of the story so far.

My hands were shaking,

You already mentioned that her hands were shaking when she was playing with her phone.

God, what was wrong with me?

Thoughts tend to be in present tense so 'was' should be 'is'

I slipped down the wall, sitting on the ground, my back against it.

This is worded a little awkwardly. Maybe try -

'I slid my back down the wall until I was sitting on the ground.'

I took out my cell, searching for his name in my contact list.

The reader already knows she's looking for Trevor's name, so you may as well say 'Trevor' instead of 'his name'

He had gone back home.

I'd nix this part as you say that he's at home in the text.

I typed and send a message.

'sent'

I asked him how was the concert so far, he answered he wasn’t there anymore.

I'd change the comma to 'and'

***

I really want to see more of the internal conflict she's having. Does Sam's smile make her feel guilty because of the kiss with Trevor? Or does she feel like the smile doesn't effect her like it did when they were first together? Is she happy when Trevor texts back so fast? Relieved? Does she feel guilty about getting in Trevor's car and leaving with him, or does she feel like she's made the right decision? What about Sam - does she feel bad for leaving him at the gig? - Just a few things to think about. It'll help add more depth to the story line and it'll make Tess seem more real. At the moment, she seems too calm about the whole thing. Yes, she cries in the toilets, but then she texts Trevor and just leaves.

I hope this helps and if you do write more, post on my wall and I'll have a looksie

xDudettex

This is great! Hahah. I love but hate the cliff hanger at the end.
I really like the characters- you described them in a way where you didn't need to know much about them but already felt like you knew them. Great story!

-CookEmonster

I absolutely LOVED the story but i noticed you wrote "same" instead of sam here and in another place shortly afterward.

“How did you guys meet?” Same asked

Other then that it was great. I love how you describe Trevor in both part one and two. Keep writing!

I absoulutely love this. Keep writing.

Hi,

So, yeah, keep writing. Don't read this, just write. There were many mistakes, a few typos, wrong tense, you get the idea. Instead of saing 'his name', you should have put 'Trevor' when she was searching in her contacts. Make sure you add in some more conflicts. I loved the descriptions, but you could have had more. I loved it!

Farewell,
A.

Yea, I think I have to agree with Dudette completely, my mind would be racing. Also, you might be able to add in why she chose Trevor over Sam. For instance, how Sam always seems to neglect her and puts the spotlight on himself. I didn't know if Sams actions with his friends was typical or just a one time thing. Just some thoughts though! I liked it personally. Part one more so than two, but your great, so be proud!

My heart was racing! This was amazing! I CANNOT! wait for more! I really wish I had the TALLLEENNT! to write like you! The emotions and descriptions wrapped up in this story and how you can fit SOOOO MUCHH in to soo littler words! Just breath taking. I really love this storrry, I have decided I am your biggest fan! I really can't bring myself to say anything negative other than the fact that I want you to write more! Please message me when you have more up on this storry pleasee!

--Kaylaa!

AlizzaBear's back again! Hello there
-I think that "Sam" needs to have more emotion in this. I know he showed some emotion by telling her not to go into the mosh pit.
But, it seems like he really doesn't care about her.
I mean I know there dating ,but his mind seems to be more on "stardom" then his actual relationship.
Unless thats what your trying to intend. xD
I know there are a few errors but everyone makes mistakes and that proves that your human.
You need to write more on this story! Your story is amazing .
Once you get it all written and corrected I think this should be a book.
You have a talent.

*AlizzaBear *

Adding more, what my friend AlizzaBear said, Sam does need more emotions. It seems like you want your readers to like Trevor more. When maybe you should give this kid a fighting chance. But ( I like Trevor more) GUILTY

me again!
i agree with AlizzaBear and KaylaCoon:),Sam needs more to his character and i'm really curious about his relationship with Trevor, all we know is that they went to the same school but was it middle school or high school and since it seems they have not seen each other in a long time what was the cause of their separation. Were they friends, just classmates or rivals, just a few points i thought might help readers connect more with your characters and give a little more depth on how Sam might react if he came to know about the kiss Tess and Trevor shared.
i really hope this helps in anyway...