Young Writers Society

NOTE: This is my first time writing anything with a girl's perspective so please bear with me xD.

*Song - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pm9skUmolMg


I saw them across the road, walking together… with holding hands. The way he held her, the way they looked at each other, it seemed like they were more than just close friends…
I ran after them, and—


I opened my eyes, greeted by the white ceiling right above me. The lights were out but the sunlight that gleamed through the closed window blinds was enough for me to see. I looked to my left and to my right, wondering where I was. I looked down and found out that I was laid down on a hospital bed, my right hand attached to the dextrose.

There was a clipboard placed on the desk to my right. I took it, impelled by the wonder of why I was there. I found my name on the first sheet and hurriedly read all the data that was recorded. Seven months!? I’ve been here for seven months!?

Then I thought about you – my boyfriend… my love. Where are you? Where have you been while I’m here? I- I need you… here with me. Please be with me right now.

I remembered… the last time I was awake. I was ready to go home from work with him but I saw him with her, across the street. They were holding hands so tightly, their eyes looking so happily at each other. Just how could you do this to me? I love you… and you love me too, right?

Please… just come back to me.

A nurse entered the room in a sudden, and was surprised at the sight of me awake. She left with such a quick pace, calling for the doctor. But I didn’t care and was nearly oblivious to it. I just kept thinking of you.

Do you remember the first time we met? Your black faux hawk almost camouflaged in the darkness of the night, and my wavy dark blonde hair was well lit by the moonlight. You were taking a picture of two rivers that met in the sea. We both loved how the water splashed on the rocks, how alive it seemed. You were as vigorous when I first saw you, smiling so widely even though you weren’t the one whose picture was being taken.

I just hope that you had more patience when our relationship went cold— when I went cold… when I was no longer worth your wait. I took it for granted that I still had your love when I blocked all your sweetness with my own wall of anxiety from work.

The doctor finally came and was nearly hurrying his way towards me. He began checking my condition and I automatically answered the questions he asked me. For one moment, I looked at the doorway and pictured you standing there, holding a radiant bouquet of flowers, greeting me with a happy smile.

But is there still a possibility of you doing that? Will you even come here and visit? I know it was my fault but... I had faith in you.

“Let’s go have dinner,” was what you said that one starless night, your smile was almost irresistible. You were waiting for me to come out of the building door like you used to do every weekday evening.

“I can’t… I’m tired, Dylan,” I said with an annoyed expression. “I just wanna go home.”

If only I had thought how hurt you felt every time I rejected your offer, if only I had remembered our very first kiss, that time when you set the calm to my trembling waters – when my work made the world feel so frustrating to me, perhaps… perhaps… I’d change my mind. If only…

You were always there… even though I always greeted you with irritation. You always remained there… even though I told you to go away. But now that you’re not here, I just wish that I can take all my words back.

A few minutes later, visitors were coming, and I was getting extremely anxious to see your face once again.


I saw my mom, her frown lines showing how worried she was for me…


I saw my dad, flashing his white teeth at me, happy that I was awake after seven long months…


I saw my younger siblings, shaking with excitement to be with me again…


One moment… I saw you. And my heart literally skipped a beat. The discussions that my parents were already having with the doctor, the words my siblings said to me – they all fell into the background as you came nearing in, taking my breath away. Your brown eyes looked all golden to me.

After a sudden, I found myself trying to rise from the bed, but it was too late before I realized that I still couldn’t move my legs and fell down… But you caught me.


We looked directly at each other’s eyes. Yours were still, but mine kept shaking, like they were looking for something in your eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” I began muttering. “Please forgive me for all the things I’ve done…”

“What?—”

“I’m sorry for not being fair with you. Please come back, please forgive me—” I continued until you tried to calm me.

“Hey, Haley. Haley,” you called my name… and said, “I am still yours.”


You— you are still mine? I thought, as a tear gushed down my eye like a little river, washing all the misunderstandings away. And your golden eyes were the moon.

Whoa. Well, I got a bit lost, particularly at the beginning and end. Why has she been in the hospital for so long? Personally, I think you did a great job using a girl's voice, and I mean that in a good way! The end I didn't exactly get... but yeah, anyways, I like it overall. Good job!

I liked this songfic, but it was a little difficult to follow. I understand you need to imply some things, but explaining at least who the girl was that the boyfriend was seen with would've helped me out a little bit. As I said at first, it was great. Please specify this a little better, because its really good.

The lights were out but the sunlight that gleamed through the closed window blinds gave enough light.

-I see what you're trying to say, but I think you could find a much better way to say it. (For example: The lights were out, but the sunlight that gleamed through the blinds was enough to see by.)

There was a clipboard placed on the desk at the right side of the bed and I took it.

-Try rephrasing this. It sounds a bit odd the way it is.

She left with such a quick pace, calling for the doctor.

-Just "quickly" instead of "with such a quick pace". It's to the point.

Your raised black hair blended so perfectly in the darkness of the night, and my wavy dark blonde hair was well lit by the moonlight.

-First, I know you want to describe her so that we can see the scene, but you have to remember that she's the narrator here. It sounds unnatural at least or conceited at best. Second, the first part of that sentence needs some work. I know what you're trying to say, but... when was the last time you heard someone describe a guy's hairdo as "raised"? Also, you might want to try a different word for blended.

We both loved how the water splashed on the rocks, how energetic they seemed.

-When you say "energetic", I'm guessing you mean the water, but your use of "they" suggests that you're talking about the rocks. Either way, "energetic" probably isn't the best word.

The doctor finally came and was nearly stomping his way towards me.

-I don't think the comical image that "stomping" helps create helps the mood. Try a different way of describing his stride.

“Let’s have dinner tonight,” that was what you said that one starless night.

-You can remove the first "that" for a clearer sentence. Also, consider getting rid of "tonight". You basically say it's night twice otherwise.

I saw my mom, her frown lines showing how worried she was of me…

-Try changing "of" to "for". And maybe get rid of "lines" -- "frown" does all the work there, anyway.

The inquiries my parents were already having with the doctor, the words my siblings said to me, they all fell into the background as you came nearing in, taking my breath away.

-"Inquiries" is an odd choice. "Discussion", along with the removal of "already" could make this better. I'm not too sure about that second comma (perhaps a dash in its place?). That last part -- maybe "came near, taking..." instead.

I thought, as a tear gushed down my eye like a little river, drowning all the misunderstandings away.

-Either use "drowning" or the combination of "away" with something like "sweeping" in the place of "drowning". Those two words just don't work together.

I liked this story, but it could've been better. She tells us that she loves him repeatedly, but we never really get to see why. You need to show us. Maybe give a scene of that perfect kiss while she's still in a coma, or have her recall that time he selflessly did something for her, even though it was at price to him. You have the bones of a good story here -- but as it stands, that's about all it is. I get the feeling you could create really good characters (not to mention a world for them to live in) if you just gave it a little more time. Maybe you were just trying to get the story written, connecting one event to another (I'm guilty of that) without bringing the characters along with the ride. Sometimes that works, but not in a genre like this, where the characters and their relationships really are the story.

You're a good writer, and I know it may have been odd writing from a different perspective. Really, all I think you need to do is write more. Good job (but I'm pretty sure you could have easily done a great one).

Sidenote: Maybe try a different song. This one was really clashing with your style, bro.

(Yeah, I'm kidding about the bro part. But a friend says it all the time, and it gets stuck in my head from time to time... so I figured that it's almost one in the morning and I might as well annoy someone else with it or something and yeah... xD )