Young Writers Society

We were returning from that walk to nowhere. The moving van sat in the driveway. His mom motioned for him to join in. He turned and looked at me.

"No." With a kiss on the cheek, he took a hesitant step towards his family. I clung to the finger still in my hand. He took another stride towards the truck. His palm fell from mine.

Time seemed to be moving incredibly slow. I stood and watched as he ambled towards the vehicle. He got in the passenger seat, his mom already waiting in the car, and waved goodbye as the van started to move backwards. I raised my hand longingly towards my crush. "Nathan," I said his name, hoping he would magically appear next to me. His face hung. Nathan gazed at me, his eyes turned down when he saw my loneliness.

The automobile turned out of the gravel driveway and continued down the road. I stood there, gazing after the direction Nathan and his mother had gone. I waited for the U-Haul to turn and come back down the street. I prayed for his mother to realize the wrong that she was commiting and bring him back. He would jump out of the truck and run to me, his arms wide open, as well as mine. We would run at each other in tears. I'd engulf myself in him, and never come out. But it was all just a dream; the van never came back, and Nathan never jumped out to pull me into him.

Califonia, was where he was headed. A job had been offered to his single mother. His father had ditched them for another woman three years ago and hadn't spoken to Nathan since. The oportunity was to good to pass by, so his mother immediately excepted and packed up the house.

I turned around and headed back down the street towards my house. The rocks on the road broke through my flip flops and poked at bottom of my feet. The door squeaked when it opened, the sound was pathetic and sad. I went to my room where my bed sat. I pushed aside the covers and buried myself into the mattress. Tears flowed down my cheeks; I would never feel happy again. My life was gone, as well as my heart.

This sorrow made my chest throb and all I wanted was to die. “Nathan I love you.” I spoke into my pillow. I missed him. I didn’t feel like talking, or eating, or even breathing. I couldn’t wait for the day that I could see him again.

Five Years Later
Since Nathan left, I hadn’t done anything but cry and miss him. Today was the moment of truth, five years after losing him; I was taking a trip to California to visit him again. I had saved my money for five long years, and finally had enough for plane tickets.

The plane began to turn downward towards the runway. The front wheel touched ground and the plane began to brake. My heart pounded inside my chest.

When the doors opened, I bolted out, eager to see him again. I didn’t know what to expect.

“Nathan!” I saw his familiar shape and raced towards it, embracing him in a giant bear hug. “I missed you so much!” He hugged me back, feeling the same way. I pulled my head from his chest and sunk my eyes through his skull.

“Um,” A young girl stood there, poking at Nathan’s back.

“Oh, Cheyenne, this is Clair. Clair, Cheyenne.” I shook hands with the small blond girl. Her body seemed to radiate happiness.

“I hear you’re good friends with Nathan?” Her voice rang like bells on a Christmas tree. I nodded at her; I couldn’t help but notice the sparkling ring on her finger.

Nathan grabbed the girl tight around the shoulders, “Cheyenne, this is my fiancée.” She stood there, wrapped in tight in his arms.

I felt my jaw drop what seemed like a hundred miles to the floor, “Na- Nathan, I thought we- we had something special.” I whispered, beginning to turn around.

“Shy, I moved. Not only that, but I moved on. You’re still my bestie, but I don’t love you.” I felt his hand rest on my shoulder.

“I gave you my whole life Nathan and you just threw it down the toilet.” I shook the hand off my back and continued down the hall, pulling my luggage behind me. I felt his eyes burn through the back of my head as I walked down the path, but he never came to stop me.

The memory of his teary eyes while his mom drove away filled my head. He’d forgotten that moment and everything that made us, us. Nathan moved on, I didn’t. I spent the rest of high school, praying for his return, watching down that road like the truck would magically reappear. But Nathan didn’t. He forgot about the friends he had, replacing us entirely.

A tear splashed on the floor. Goodbye Nathan. Have a good life.

I LOVED THIS. *ahem* Now that I'm done, it makes you want to slap Nathan upside the head just for Cheyenne. The emotion is clearly shown in this story, and I felt the characters very realistic. There isn't much to complain about (thank goodness), just one thing. At one point you used 'my mouth dropped', when in reality, the phrase is 'my jaw dropped'. Other than that it seems fine to me. Keep writing, I like your style.

Hello there.

I'll begin with the nitpicks and then go on with my overall impression on your story.

He got in the passenger seat, his mom already waiting in the car, and waved goodbye as the van started to move backwards.

Goodbye should be one word here.

Five Years Later

This wasn't too obvious. I would recommend you put it in bold or something so we know it's not part of the narration, but rather a jump in the future.
Plot wise, it was a good story. I find it a bit unrealistic that she would think they would go on as if they had never been apart though. It's still five years, and a lot can change in that much time. Anyways, I like the emotions that you put throughout the piece, it was great. And the fact that he has a fiancee brings a little bit of spice to the whole thing. He completely moved on, not like Cheyenne.

Keep writing!

-Other One

Hello First, I can say that the start of the story is really good. I was like, WOW. I caught a glimpse of your age on the left pane and I said to myself, "Could a 14-year-old really start a story this cool?" You wrote it very well, really.

But there are some lines that I thought of as not so effective.

“Nathan, I thought we had something special.”

This line felt like your MC is rushing to get things straightened out. If you've made her a little bit timid when she knew that the guy had a new girl, I think that would've created more drama and excitement. Also, improve transitions and re-read lines. You are almost there, I mean- this piece is already beyond average. So keep it up!

Okay. . this was truly a little heartbreaking. At first I was a little worried you wouldn't pull through with the proper emotion. At first it seemed a little "done-before" and trivial in that sense, but by the end of the story I think you ended up doing a nice job. The story was short, yet you were able to express some true heartbreak in such a short span of writing.

Now I had a few things I wanted to point out and/or pick apart for you real quick. The first was how you began the story. I had no idea where this Nathan boy was headed. I assumed something along the lines of military. Which quite frankly can seem a little cliche when it comes to the whole goodbye deal, but I supposed something like that might fit in here anyway. I wish you would've been a little more clear on the reason why he was leaving. It would've made the situation a little more emotional as well as easier to comprehend and digest.

This also brings me to my second point. The fact that you don't elaborate on where it is Nathan went, leads me to question many things. For one, why was it that it had been five years since your main character had gotten to see him? If she loved him so much, wouldn't she have taken to visiting him sooner? I would think so. I'm sure other readers might think the same as well if they really thought about it. I don't say this to sound harsh, I think your story had a really sturdy base to it, it's just the little facts that don't seem to add up in my head correctly. like I may have missed something. It's important not to leaves holes like that in any story.

So about the part five years later, when your character is good and able to see her love again you open it with this:

Since Nathan left, I hadn’t done anything but cry and miss him. Today was the moment of truth, five years after losing him; I was taking a trip to California to visit him again.

When I read this first sentence especially, as well as the sentences following after it, it seems like if you're saying she had spent five years crying and missing him. Not really being happy with her life at all, until this moment. Now although it would make sense to miss him because she loved him very much as you say, I don't think it says very realistic to write your opening sentences in that way. It comes off a tad bit pathetic when you see this girl who is above head over heels in love with this Nathan. I think you already covered that part nicely enough by having your character clueless that her one love had moved on from her in this span of time. Five years is a long time after all.

Onto a few small nitpicks:

I'd engulf myself in him, and never come out.

The second part to this sentence just sounded a little funny to me. I think if you just left it simply as, "I'd engulf myself in him.", it would sound a whole lot better as a sentence. Despite it not being an actual sentence. Also:

I pulled my head from his chest and sunk my eyes through his skull.

I'm not so sure I agree with the way you worded this sentence here. It sounds a little unfitting of how she would be gazing at him. Maybe articulate it in a slightly more affectionate way. I think it'd read off a bit nicer if you did.

“Na, Nathan, I thought we, we had something special.”

Now here I can understand how you're meaning to have the character stutter her words surprisingly and baffled. Here's how I would have written it. My corrections will be made in red.

“Na-... Nathan, I thought we- we had something special.”

Simple really. Nothing too drastic, it's just you don't want to use commas when you're articulating her speech in that way.

Now it wasn't really until the end of the story where I realized the reason they had been apart for so long was because he simply moved. I would think that in that span of time they would have still kept in contact. Gradually, Cheyenne would've understood Nathan was slowly moving on from her and maybe then she would've moved on as well, seeing as there would be that sort of closure present

This all isn't to say that your story wasn't heartfelt. It was. I thought it was truly sad how the outcome came to be, I just think there was a few small kinks along the way that could've used some tweaking. Hopefully you'll take from my review to better the story. Even if it becomes lengthened a bit, I think you'll benefit in the long run. It was a nice read.

-Smylin'

I did quite enjoy this ! The only things I found wrong people have already commented on! So I guess my job is kind of done. Just want to give you a thumbs up
-Janie