Some clever people say that, love is only number 3 requirement in relationships, commitment and communicating being respectively 2nd and 3rd. This strange-arithmetic approach to people relationships made me think once more what was wrong with us, with our relationship? What was missing? What was our problem?
Not enough communication maybe? Long talks on messenger till 3am in the morning, at least 2 text messages each day with “good morning” and “good night”, and long emails when msn chat was not available- I wonder if they can be considered as enough communication.
We talked, we laughed, we shared and thought that we knew all about us: you knew how I am gonna call my cat in the future when I get one (secretly hoping that it will be you who gives me this cat), my love for “floating island”( I hope you still remember what it is, don’t you?) and my preference for negative heroes in the books. And you were like open book to me- at least I thought so at that period of my life- your habit of eating rice with bread (it still seems hideous for me), your dream of traveling to Safari for 32 days (why 32?? I never knew) and love for diving. The list of our “loves” and “hates” and “preferences” could be extended till forever. But did I really know you? Did you really know me? Despite even the 24 hours conversations (hallelujah to IT age), I could never tell you the reason I did my hair this way (try to remember to see me even once without these bangs) and you never told me the reason of your problems with your family. Did not you think I noticed the expression on your face when they called you or the way you talked about them?
We never let each other into the very depth of our souls, our hearts, our thoughts. There were some questions that were taboo- never meant to be asked. You can not call it perfect communication when you don’t dare enough to ask these questions, when you are afraid of the upcoming reactions, do you?
Love… what is love to you? I never had exact definition for love. Once I shared my blurry thoughts with you: for me love was sharing the same thought, dreaming of the similar dreams, understanding each other without many words, thinking incessantly of each other. These were only a small portion of my philosophy about “love”, but for some reason the words were helpless to express myself clearly.
You laughed at it, yes, you actually did!! Looked at me with your sarcastic look (oh, I DID hate that look)and laughed! And said that “based on your ideas, love should be the most boring thing in life!”. You were unbearable!
Love for you was a banal idea that poets and writers made up, the theme that nurtured cheesy songs (still cant believe you called Charlez Aznovour or Frances Lae cheesy, even though indirectly), the reason for teenage chicks to weep over. Then I attempted once more- trying to defeat you on your own grounds. Your favorite book: “3 comrades” by Remarque- the distinguished book about true love. “Then what about the feelings between Pat and Robert? Was not it true love? Do you consider Remarque banal as well?” I asked with immense self-satisfaction. Of course you had to agree with me. Remarque meant too much for you to let it go. “Who is Pat?”. I was definitely not ready for this turn in the conversation..”Robert? Patricia? 3 Comrades? Hello??? Do they tell you anything?”. “Ha-ha. For me there is only one love in that book- the love for drink! The dining scenes were my favorite!”. You were lucky that this conversation was on-line, otherwise the big blow on your head was guaranteed.
So love is one more point that we would never agree on.
As for commitment…we were very committed, really, but to everything except to each other. You had this special devotion to your friends and would never give up them-infinite numbers of them- who had some new problems every single day. And you were always near them to help- and you always had excuses: “L. is having problems with her family”, “I. just had the car accident”, “V. is flunking his classes”, “D. is moving”, etc... And I had my commitments- my commitments to my studies, to my independence, to my dreams. You would not understand that! You who could not understand the difference between Gaughin and Goya! You who would laugh at my dreams of studying art!
As you said once, ”there are some things that never predestined to happen, no matter what you do, no matter how you do it, it just wont happen”. Maybe it was also one of those anyways-never-will-happen things? So as you see baby, we lost before starting the game. We lost in all 3 flanges.
Then why for me to wonder that this relationship did not work??
Gender:
Points: 300
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