Young Writers Society

Okay, here's my theory.

You wanted it, right? Well actually I don't even know. But anyway, here it goes.

I like you and I act as if I don't. That's what every girl does! Here's the deal, I don't know if there's anything between us, if you like me back.

It's so hard to explain under this pressure, but, I can't stop thinking about you. Yes, it might sound obsessive or stupid or to in love, but I'm not in love.

We talked, like normal friends, and then you froze. You didn't speak to me ever again. I don't know what's going on. You're my friend and I like you, so what?! You don't know this. But you're still as silent as a baby when it's sleeping.

Just tell me what happened.

We were like two pieces of paper, we wouldn't talk to each other without glue with us. But then we broke that barrier.

Why'd you bring it back? Like a boulder on my shoulders?!

Think first please, because it effects me as well if you haven't noticed. I'm part of the paper-paper situation.

Blow that boulder down, with your own breath, because I didn't do anything to bring it back up, You did.

Hi there, Nike. I'm here to review.
Okay, so one thing that really bugs me about this story is the fact that you say, "I like you and I act as if I don't. That's what every girl does!" but you never say why. Is your character a player? I dunno, you should emphasize that 'cause I'm pretty sure that's the point of the story, not saying it it's kind of awkward... :\ About your writing, I think you're good. It's catchy, I don't have much to say about it... I just brought a backpack full of commas. xD

Nike wrote:You wanted it, right? Well, actually, I don't even know. But anyway, here it goes.

Nike wrote:I like you, and I act as if I don't.

Nike wrote:Think first please, because it effects me as well, if you haven't noticed. I'm part of the paper-paper situation.

Add red commas.

Nike wrote:Blow that boulder down, with your own breath, because I didn't do anything to bring it back up, You did.

It shouldn't be capitalized.

Good Job! Keep writing!
~Solvy<3

Hello there!
I really enjoyed your story!

Onto the nitpicks!

Yes, it might sound obsessive or stupid or like I am too in love, but I'm not in love.

There should be an extra "o" in "too".

It's so hard to explain under this pressure, but I can't stop thinking about you.

No need for a comma after "but", there.

Just tell me what happened. We were like two pieces of paper, we wouldn't talk to each other without glue with us. But then we broke that barrier. Why'd you bring it back? Like a boulder on my shoulders?! Think first please, because it effects me as well if you haven't noticed. I'm part of the paper-paper situation. Blow that boulder down, with your own breath, because I didn't do anything to bring it back up, You did.

And to me, personally, that last bit could all be one paragraph; it didn't need to be separate lines for every new sentence. Or you could have done it as:

Just tell me what happened. We were like two pieces of paper, we wouldn't talk to each other without glue with us. But then we broke that barrier. Why'd you bring it back? Like a boulder on my shoulders?!

Think first, please, because it effects me as well if you haven't noticed. I'm part of the paper-paper situation.Blow that boulder down, with your own breath, because I didn't do anything to bring it back up, You did.

Oh! and a comma after "first". but this was another way you could have done this.

Overall, i think you did a great job though. This really breaks down the entire part of what happens when a friend likes another friend but the other one doesn't like them back. I know exactly how this feels, and that's why I liked this. You picked a good theme to write about. And you have a great style of writing.
It's clear what you're capable of, thats why I was kind of harsh.
Hopefully not too harsh!

--Ash

I loved this because it so, completely suits the situation I'm in with my ex 'best friend'. It sucks But I can so relate to this, I have this exact thing going on. So, great piece in my opinion! Thumbs up! Well done!