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Wed Jul 27, 2011 6:07 pm
theotherone says...



My emotion is rage. The song I used was 'If you think this song is about you, it probably is' by D.R.U.G.S... Here are the lyrics.
Spoiler! :
So hence, you left me hanging in a room with a noose and a chair.
You told me to stay put and reminded me why I was there.
Cold blooded and misguided,
You thought this would be your best, then you try to hide it.
A chance to move ahead.

Today was the day you tried to shut me down.
Today was the day you tried to shut me down.

Be honest,
Did you ever mention my name?
Did you get sick of the shame?
Did you lie on your back?

Be honest,
Did you ever mention my name?
Did you get sick of the shame?
Did you lie on your back like a whore?

Close-minded with no direction.
A chance to prove who you were
The friends who forgot to think all of the things that you're not.

Today was the day you tried to shut me down.
Today was the day you tried to shut me down.
Today was the day you tried to shut me down.
Today was the day you tried to shut me down.

Be honest,
Did you ever mention my name?
Did you get sick of the shame?
Did you lie on your back?

Be honest,
Did you ever mention my name?
Did you get sick of the shame?
Did you lie on your back?

Be honest,
Did you ever mention my name?
Did you get sick of the shame?
Did you lie on your back like a whore?




“Stay put, please.” Stephanie’s voice was gentle, shaking a little at the last word. Almost like she was afraid, scared of something I couldn’t see.

She had dragged me up here, not telling me a word. Of course, I didn’t want to go up at first, it was a major party, and I would be missing a whole lot. But an idea blossomed in my head. She was leading me into a room, pitch black with a bed in it. A bed.

I crushed my mouth against hers, pressing her to the mattress. She pushed against me, trying to talk around my tongue in her mouth.

“Stop it and listen to me.” I recoiled, looking at her weirdly.

“What’s wrong babe?” A knock at the door made her jump.

“Sit down,” she ordered. I couldn’t see her features since it was so dark, but the outline of her body was stiff, and I sat down, suddenly sober. The whole room was vibrating with the sound of the bass, but I couldn’t seem to realize just how loud it really was. My brain had been fuzzy with its sound only minutes ago, but now, all I could hear was her soft voice.

“We’re done, Brady. I need time to myself, with college coming up and all this shit...” She drifted off. In my head, everything became clear. She was acting weird on our way here, she wouldn’t talk, wouldn’t look at me, and she had drank at least four beers in the first hour. Probably nerves.

“What?” My voice was deep and rough, on the hedge of whisper. “Bullshit.”

She shook her head and hung it low, not saying anything. Another knock at the door, but this time, the person who was on the other side opened it. A head popped in, looking in our direction, he too didn’t say a thing. It just retracted, the halo of blond hair disappearing into the last rays of light. We were back in the dark again, but something in my mind was illuminated as a second realization hit me.

“You’re with another guy, are you?” She had been really discreet with it, but in some way, it had been obvious. She would be gone for days, not calling or texting, but when I asked her about it, she would be fidgeting. She would go talk in another room when someone called when we were together. Somewhere far enough so I couldn't hear. And there were these weird conversations she had with someone on the phone once. I could still clearly hear her arguing. I don't want to tell him. Not yet. He's just so... He doesn't deserve that. I also remembered that she had hung up on him, a mumbling still audible on the other end of the line before she had closed her phone shut.

“No,” was all she said. I could feel the anger burn up inside of me, like fire eating at my heart.

“Stop lying for a second, and look me in the eyes.” Her head snapped up, and her eyes were bright in the darkness. “That guy, the one who keeps knocking. You’ve slept with him.” My voice was hard and emotionless, like I was only going through the motion, not even feeling. But it was only a facade. I was ready to run, sprint out of this town so I never had to face that whore again. I wasn't even sure why I knew it was that random guy. I just did.

“It wasn’t his idea; don’t go after him, please. It just happened...”

“A couple of times. You just got sick of the shame, did you? That’s why you couldn’t let us go on as a couple,” I interrupted her, voice picking up, almost a scream. Are you fucking kidding me? You just couldn’t stop being a whore for a few months, could you? I just wanted to yell those words to her face, see her dumbstruck expression. Maybe even hit her straight across those rosy lips that kept moving when I didn’t really want to hear all of her excuses. She was known to sleep around. Well at least before she got out with me. I always thought that I could change her, and that the fact that she had a boyfriend would bring down her sexual impulses... Or at the least, that they would be focused towards me, not other guys.

I pushed up, getting to my feet. I had enough of her plaintive voice. I was feeling sick to my stomach and I just wanted to go out. Stephanie was still talking, explaining things I didn’t want to have an explanation for.

“Stop speaking for two seconds. Really, I don’t have to hear all of your bullshit. All that’s important right now is that you’ve laid on your back like a whore.” She didn’t say anything, but she looked away, sniffling.

Fuck, if she thought that crying would soften me, she was wrong. “I need air. Don’t follow me, don’t even call me. I don’t care about your sorry ass excuses.” I walked to the door, and when I opened it, I wasn’t surprised to see that the guy that had opened the door earlier was still there, leaning against the wall opposite of the room.

My hand went up at amazing speed, and connected with his face in a matter of seconds. I didn’t even think, only did whatever I thought this guy deserved. I felt my lips curl up in a sort of smile, and watched over him for a few seconds, enjoying the feeling that was spreading inside of me. Pure rage was running in my veins, making me feel dizzy and strong and enraged. Like I could take on the world, kill someone on the way even.

“Brady! What did you...?” She shrieked. I wouldn’t call her by her name from now on, she didn’t deserve it. I ignored her and went down the stairs, going around people, trying to avoid my friends. I didn’t want to see any of them right now. I went straight for the keg, taking a big cup of beer and drinking it all in a gulp. People around me clapped, hooting at me, and my hand grabbed my empty cup, pulverizing it my in palm. I left the room as fast as I had entered it and went straight to my car. My plan was clear in my head. Go home, pack, and leave this sorry ass town. I had wanted to leave for a while, but never got the guts. My friends were here, my girlfriend too. But now, when this slut had ruined it all, I didn’t have anything to keep me back.

The tires screeched when I left, leaving black marks against the pavement, as black as my heart felt.

Goodbye fuckers, my last thought aimed towards the house. A house I would never see again.
Last edited by theotherone on Sat Jul 30, 2011 2:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
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Wed Jul 27, 2011 6:34 pm
xDudettex says...



Hey there otherone!

I don't really have time for a proper review, but I thought I'd comment anyway.

This piece seems a lot better than the one you wrote before. I could tell you enjoyed writing it, and it had more of your usual spark to it than the other story you wrote, which is good.

The imagery was good. I could picture the party in my head, hear the music etc.

I think the emotion was displayed well. I could tell he was angry, but the things he was saying and his actions. But I think the rage was too sudden. It almost came out of nowhere. I know you mention that he thinks she's cheated because she acted funny on the way to the party, but I don't think that's enough for him to have an excuse to accuse her of cheating straight away. Maybe you could add in some more reasons why he thought she'd cheated. Like maybe how she'd been ditching the chance to hang out with him or he'd caught her on the phone and listened in to the conversation. You don't have to write much, but I guess it would help back up the reason why he suddenly accuses her of cheating.

You mention him saying or thinking, 'why couldn't she stop being a whore for once?', or something to that effect. I'd like something more to back this up too. Maybe something about how she'd been known for sleeping around but he thought he could change her. Is he angry at himself for being wrong? Rage is a strong emotion, so I'd love to see you really play on it. Especially as it's something that has to be a big part of the story.

I did spot a few mistakes, but I'm sure you'll catch them by proof-reading again.

I hope this helps, and good luck in the contest!

Anna
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
  





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Wed Jul 27, 2011 6:39 pm
theLockedLibrary says...



Wow, I could actually feel all of Brady's rage radiate on my computer screen. Ha-ha. This was really good, and I liked it a lot. Although, when you wrote "I interrupted her...." you split those words into different paragraphs..

“A couple of times. You just got sick of the shame, did you? That’s why you couldn’t let us go on as a couple,” I

interrupted her, voice picking up, almost a scream. Are you fucking kidding me? You just couldn’t stop being a whore for a few months, could you?

Just make sure that you close the space between the "I" and "interrupted". Another thing is that the last sentence,
Goodbye fuckers, was my last thought towards the house.
is somewhat confusing. Perhaps you could change that so it will leave the readers with a better last impression. Otherwise, it's all great! (Although there is a lot of profanity, but oh well. Ha-ha). If this is an entry for the convert a song into a story, I think the odds are with you! Good luck and keep writing!
Reading is the sole means by which we slip,
involuntarily,
often helplessly,
into another's skin,
another's voice,
another's soul.
  








There's a Brazilian things you could write about. You just gotta pick Juan.
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