Young Writers Society

You told me you loved someone else and I ran like hell. I could have run straight to hell, but I never stopped running. Too fast for the devil I am. I told you, Please, don’t fall in love with someone else and you went and did. You didn’t even run after me. You just yelled “Wait!” without having the decency to reach out to me. I remember when we walked in that field in the park and we saw those balloons drift away in the sky. You said to me “I want to hold onto them and go wherever they go.” I smiled when you looked at me as I thought of your simple wish. I pictured you holding on to them, wide-eyed, looking below you, hovering over the places you said we would visit. I pictured you looking down, looking for me.
We walked in the field some more until we saw those two little boys with nothing on but their tan skin and underwear. They were fishing on the dock with the old man, remember? He spoke with an accent that sounded Russian, saying something like “Yes, when we moved to Amereekah your mother loved to feesh too.” And we saw him walk his naked boys up the shore, leading them somewhere else, bringing no catch along with them.
I know you remember that day too, because you said nothing when we came home. Your eyes were glass and you day dreamed instead of your night dreams. I know you were thinking of our wonderland with your balloons and the little boys with the tiny fishing poles. Those stars and balloons kept you up at night. You were faced towards the window and it was one of those moments when I realized you were perfect all over again. I couldn’t say a word. Your hair spread out the sexiest way on the pillow and I just kept my mouth shut. Blinds open, lips parted as you turned and kissed me. You brought your fingers to my scalp and pushed my hair back, saying “I’m floating right now, holding on the balloons and I’m looking at you.” We laughed for a little bit.
“You are whatever you are,” I whispered. And we just laid in silence like two aging dogs: mommy and daddy, as I closed my eyes for two minutes and I listened to you breathe—exhale then inhale. She loves me so, she loves me not. I looked to you looking at the ceiling when I said it. “Please don’t be in love with someone else.”
That was almost a year ago. But all the hours since then didn’t stop me yesterday when I ran like hell away from you as you told me. Your stupid eyes told me everything.
“No Cassie! What about me? You said you loved me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No you’re not! How could you do this? Why the hell would you do this to me?”
“Bran, I’m sorry.”
“Cass, please. Don’t do this. Don’t… What about us? What about everything we did?”
“I’m sorry. I just can’t do this.”
“But tell me why.”
“Because I love him.”

ohhhhh this is good. and it's so true. smashingly heartbreaking reality. very good. your wording is excellent, your sentence structure is awesome. brilliant.

Tragic! This is really good. I love the entire concept of the balloons in there. I think you really struck gold with all of the vivid imagery and anecdotes. Also good use of inversion in the first paragraph! Keep it up!

My favorite line was the part of the story where you used the balloons as a metaphor.... "i want to hold onto them and go where ever they go" it sort of contributes to this illusion that lovers or soul mates always want to run away together!!! All in all; i loved the story, it was short but a lot was said. Keep writing!

Short and sweet! I could really feel the heartache that those words must have felt for Bran after they were so in love. The only memory that is shared is a simple walk in a field, but it really tells so much, enhanced greatly by the ballon metaphor.

I did not quite see how the title fit in with the story though. Also there are a few grammatical errors, like 'Please' being capitalized when it did not need to be, but nothing big! Just little things that can make your story even better.

~Charmedmiss

Hello,
I really enjoyed this piece and meant to review it awhile ago, but I am here now, hopefully what I have to say hasn't been repeated. On with the grammatical errors:

You told me you loved someone else and I ran like hell.

there should be a comma after else because you are using the conjunction and to combine complete sentences together. Conjunctions (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) follow commas to combine complete sentences together with similar ideas, so they don't become run-on sentences.

I could have run straight to hell, but I never stopped running.

Did it right here

Too fast for the devil I am.

This isn't normal sentence structure, so there should be a comma after devil.

I remember when we walked in that field in the park and we saw those balloons drift away in the sky.

There should be a comma after park because you are using the conjunction and to combine two complete sentences.

And we saw him walk his naked boys up the shore, leading them somewhere else, bringing no catch along with them.

Never start a sentence with a conjunction because it triggers a fragment instead of a complete sentence. In this case you can just take it away and capitalize the w in we.

I know you remember that day too, because you said nothing when we came home.

Why would his silence mean he remembered that day?

Your eyes were glass and you day dreamed instead of your night dreams.

I am not sure what this mean. I know it's suppose to be poetic, but could you make the meaning a little clearer.

You were faced towards the window and it was one of those moments when I realized you were perfect all over again.

There should be a comma after window because you are combining two complete sentences together with the conjunction and.

Your hair spread out the sexiest way on the pillow and I just kept my mouth shut.

The word was should be added after hair, and there should be a comma after pillow.

“I’m floating right now, holding on the balloons and I’m looking at you.”

There should be a comma after balloons because you are making a list of three things.

And we just laid in silence like two aging dogs: mommy and daddy, as I closed my eyes for two minutes and I listened to you breathe—exhale then inhale.

Take away the and, and capitalize the w in we. There should be a comma after minutes because you are combining two complete sentences with the conjunction and.

She loves me so, she loves me not.

The comma should be a semi-colon(;) because these are two complete sentences being put together with no conjunction.

I looked to you looking at the ceiling when I said it. “Please don’t be in love with someone else.”

Why would he fear that he was in love with someone else?

That was almost a year ago. But all the hours since then didn’t stop me yesterday when I ran like hell away from you as you told me

Replace the period after ago with a comma and lower case the b in but.

Your stupid eyes told me everything.

I love this personification!

“No Cassie! What about me? You said you loved me.”

There should be a comma after no because you are addressing Cassie.

“Bran, I’m sorry.”

Bran's a name? Or should it be Brian?

“But tell me why.”

There needs to be a comma after but because you are using a conjunction in the beginning of your dialogue.

Overall this was a light and decent read. I just don't think you put alot of umph into your characters. Like, why does Cassie all of a sudden love some one else? Did she ever love Bran? Did she just not love him any more? Why did Bran suspect that Cassie was cheating a year before it actually happened? I mean, I did love this actually; it's original, but your characters seem unoriginal and bland. If you have any questions or need another review feel free to ask I hope I wasn't too mean.

Have a great day,
Tiffany

thank you everyone for your kind words and your help. i enjoyed writing this one and i'm happy to share it with the world.