Young Writers Society

It was the autumn of eighty-five. Summer had come and gone. Most families like to get away during the summer holidays, but with my parents running the surf and diving school, we spent our summer at home in Jeffrey’s Bay. Autumn had now arrived and brought with it many new colours and scents. It was a gorgeous time of year and my family was very excited to be taking a trip down to Hogsback to experience the beauty of this season in its simplicity.

The cabin we had rented our looked idyllic. It rested underneath a beautiful tall oak tree that decorated its roof with striking orange, yellow and red leaves. The air was filled with tranquillity and Hogsback seemed to be a peaceful place. Preparing myself for a quiet holiday, I grabbed my new James Patterson thriller and ipod and headed for the hammock. With my head downcast, I began looking through my playlist, not paying attention to what was in front of me. I fell suddenly falling backwards and hitting my fragile elbow on a rock. As I looked up my eyes fell upon a young man. To me he appeared rugged and handsome. His big hazel eyes stared at me in shock. At that moment, my elbow began to throb painfully. He had been standing, almost frozen, but as if he could sense that I was in pain, he came bravely to my rescue like a real hero, coming up behind me and helping me to my feet. He carefully examined my wound, gently moving my elbow to check for any broken bones. “You’ll need stitches.” He said. “My house is just a few metres away and I’m a paramedic, let me help you please, it’s the least I can do after injuring you.” He seemed so kind and sincere, I accepted his offer and off we went to his cabin.

Those were the first few of our many moments together. For the remainder of my holiday we were inseparable. We went on hikes, paddling trips and horse rides. We swam under the Madonna and Child waterfall and lay under the stars. He taught me how to drive and I baked him brownies. We shared secrets and thoughts and after climbing the oak tree above the cabin, sitting on the branches, we shared our first kiss.

That autumn changed my life. An autumn romance is not something a person commonly thinks or talks about. However, it happened to me. When the holiday ended we had to say goodbye and it was devastating leaving someone I had fallen so madly in love with. Years later, we found each other in a coffee shop in Stellenbosch. Our wedding day came only six months later and as I kissed his soft, sweet lips, I thank God for his plans for me. This one truly was good, pleasing and absolutely perfect!

Hullo~ Hope this review helps.

Just because there were a little nitpicky grammar errors, I'm going to talk about those first:

It was a gorgeous time of year and my family was very excited to be taking a trip down to Hogsback to experience the beauty of this season in its simplicity.

I think you can add "a gorgeous time of the year" to help the flow, and add a comma maybe after "year", so that the sentence seems a little easier to say. (You need a pause halfway through!)

The cabin we had rented our looked idyllic

The cabin we had rented out. Loved the word idyllic by the way!

It rested underneath a beautiful tall oak tree that decorated its roof with striking orange, yellow and red leaves.

First off, loved the imagery in this sentence, but I think it would sound better if you replaced "decorated its roof" with "decorated the roof".

Preparing myself for a quiet holiday, I grabbed my new James Patterson thriller and ipod and headed for the hammock.

Maybe a comma right here - "grabbed my new James Patterson thriller and ipod, and and headed"
By the way, what's your favorite James Patterson novel?

I fell suddenly falling backwards and hitting my fragile elbow on a rock. As I looked up my eyes fell upon a young man.

Maybe a comma agian - "I fell suddenly, falling backwards". Also, the "eyes fell" sounds repetitive since you used the verb "fell" twice. It also doesn't accurately describe the feeling of looking up if you get what I mean. Maybe a verb like "caught" would sound better?

He had been standing, almost frozen, but as if he could sense that I was in pain, he came bravely to my rescue like a real hero, coming up behind me and helping me to my feet.

Maybe nix the "that I was in pain, he came bravely to my rescue" because the comma means that it interrupts the sentence, so the He as the original sentence works perfectly as the subject for the third clause.

For the remainder of my holiday we were inseparable.

Again, maybe a comma after "holdiday".

We swam under the Madonna and Child waterfall and lay under the stars.

This sentence was BEAUTIFUL!

We shared secrets and thoughts and after climbing the oak tree above the cabin, sitting on the branches, we shared our first kiss.

The clause "sitting on the branches" detracts from the sentence, I would take it out.

I thank God for his plans for me. This one truly was good, pleasing and absolutely perfect!

I think it should be "thanked". Also, the "this one" is sort of vague, maybe "this romance?"

My reflections: (Where the real review starts)
I just need to say, that you told the story fantastically. (Is this real?) And that the ending was satisfactory, a nice bow on a wonderful romance! The imagery really helped pull your story through, and I think the calm, peaceful tone really fit the mood of Autumn!

You're right, there aren't enough Autumn romance stories at all!

Keep up the good work! Loved this short piece~

Thanks so much for an absolutely amazing review!!! I have to hand this in tomorrow so was counting on YWS to review my piece To answer you question regarding the James Patterson novel, I'm busy reading my first one by him called "Worst Case" and I'm finding it absolutely amazing!!! This story isn't true but I think it would be amazing if it were Thank you again for your review, I really appreciate it xxx

Hello Desire!

I see you've had to hand this in already, but I hope you won't mind a review anyhow!

I like the first paragraph a lot. It introduces the autumn so well, and every word seems to that autumn-y melancholy to them. I felt very calm and serene reading it.

In the second paragraph, you do quite a lot of telling instead of showing. I'd like it if you tried a paint a picture of the scene like you did in the first paragraph: What does the hammock look like? Is it perhaps striped and slightly worn out for having been exposed to the sun in the past summer? What can she see when she is lying in the hammock?

Of course, you can describe other things, too, but I'm quite fond of hammocks so I found myself focusing into it

I fell suddenly falling backwards and hitting my fragile elbow on a rock.

She fell falling? I think you might want to replace some words here.

Also, is the hammock on her yard or further away? I'm only asking because I was wondering how she couldn't notice someone coming, and if it indeed it's on her yard, why is there a stranger?

To me he appeared rugged and handsome.

This is also too telling. Why is he handsome? What does he look like and why does she find herself attracted to him?

“My house is just a few metres away and I’m a paramedic, let me help you please, it’s the least I can do after injuring you.” He seemed so kind and sincere, I accepted his offer and off we went to his cabin.

To me this seemed odd to say the least. She meets a strange guy and goes into his house just like that? Also, his line seems a lot like one of those creepy kidnappers say, you know, "I have kittens in my car, do you want to come and see them?" Also, if his house is just a few metres away, why didn't he just point at it and say "That's my house"? Also, if she fell from a hammock, it's not likely she'd need anything else than a band-aid, unless the rock was very very sharp. Hammocks don't tend to be very high up, you see.

So, I think that this was so short because it was an assignment? If it was just a normal story, I would ask you to expand a lot, since the part about the romance seems much too rushed. But if you want to make this an actual story, you can tell us more about what they did and why they like each other so much, why they had to part and so on.

Thanks for the read!


Demeter
x

This wasa really nice read. No, I'm serious. I felt so free and relaxed while reading your piece. That was simply excellent. Keep it up! I especially liked your description of that feeling you get in autumn. Very familiar to a lot of people. It realets to me, you and a lot of people. Great stuff.

You know what song goes well when reading this?

Waltz For Venus http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5KjOhUiTBaY&feature=related

Moving on...

I liked this piece. It didn't drawl on and on with pointless details; I think you sprinkled it with details in just the right amount, while also telling the story at the same time. I also liked how it wasn't too much of a cliche. I was slightly expecting something along the lines of, "My childhood best friend and I sat under the stars in Autumn, blahblahblah..." or something of the sort, so this was refreshing. I also liked how you briefly told us the background story; the last thing you should do is bore the reader when there is good to come.

Overall, I thought this was a nice little piece, and good job