Young Writers Society

It was that very raw feeling that Atela liked to feel the most but to her discontentment, she usually did not feel it at all but she was quite determined to feel it again since it had seemed a very long time since she had felt it last, yet she was unsure if she wanted to feel it again since the feeling ebbed away at her spine and made her unbalanced and uneasy at her core, yes, her veins would begin to pulsate and her stomache would flutter as if the bone butterflies that were constantly in her mind’s cage had unlatched free and had traveled down to the lower back of her abdomen; she wanted to fall in love again… she wanted to feel that bit of completion that she had felt last time which is not what she was feeling at the moment or last night or the day before when she had made herself feel more incomplete and more detached than she had felt in years, that feeling that burned her skin for days and that feeling that people stared at when they saw the scars that would stay for maybe years to come, she didn’t know, and the burning feeling reminded her of chocolate, that was the weirdest thing because it would feel blissful for a moment and then it would burn and become blotchy and a pixilated red and sometimes it would seep a rich, thick, dark, silky, honey that fled along her skin and would drown her thoughts for only a moment more and a fire would surround her and she might regret it or she might want to do it again, like eating a chocolate and then gaining weight, but sometimes Atela really wanted to stop, she wanted to feel the raw feeling, the feeling that chapped her brain raw and embalmed her in a deep slumber that made her forget sad thoughts and she wanted him, all she wanted to do was hold his hand really, she imagined it being warm and sweaty and she wanted that and maybe she had imagined other things happening in the hall where she sat and had cried during class once, but she didn’t want those things, she wanted this love to be courtly unlike her previous relation where she had spent everything physical on one person only and physical love wasn’t real love or raw love or maybe her past relation was not the love she thought it was before, maybe it was a starving lust that hungered on the sexual attraction that she did not want anymore …then what was this raw feeling, was it new, were they the tingles she felt before and now this was the new feeling, or were the tingles the new feeling and the lust had started to run away, along with her past thoughts and feelings and maybe things would end badly again… maybe he wouldn’t remember things when it would end, maybe he would forget things, or maybe he would ignore her, or maybe he wouldn’t agree with her or maybe he would run away from her and he wasn’t looking over at her, he wouldn’t even see her and she knew that people only saw what they wanted to see and that only showed how truly ignorant they were and so maybe he didn’t want to see her… but they were so close, practically a few yards away and he didn’t want to see her, he didn’t want to look at her and he didn’t even want to notice her, because really, there was nothing to notice, only another girl trying to put her feet on the ground, step out of the gates of her mother’s womb, and run before she could fly and Atela couldn’t even crawl to something that could give her hope and how could she crawl before she had hope, hope makes the world go around and around in it’s distinct tilt and it made people do funny things like taking a chance and that’s what she needed perhaps but she wasn’t too sure so she fed her dull book that she was pretending to read to her bag and took off and then he noticed her and she looked at him and she was so stunned that she walked away because maybe she hadn’t have actually noticed him and maybe she was ignorant too and maybe there was something that she didn’t know about him and maybe there was a feeling that he wanted too… a feeling that made his muscles tighten and a musical tune that breathed life into his veins and his eyes and his walk and his hands and maybe there was a beat in the exterior of his ribcage or an insight in the skeletal whites of his sclera and maybe it was enough to make something start and maybe it was so strong as to make something start that was new, exciting and raw.

Nice story .. But I felt it lacked the flow ..

The concept is nice .. If you just write it in a more clutter free manner maybe it will help .. Also I think the grammar in your piece has to be worked upon .. since even my grammar is not that great I can't pinpoint the exact mistakes but just most of the sentences didn't feel right .. I might be wrong though ..

Also I didn't like many of the sentences you used, for instance -

her veins would begin to pulsate and her stomach would flutter as if the bony butterflies that were constantly in her mind’s cage had unlatched free and had traveled down to the lower back of her abdomen

maybe there was a beat in the exterior of his ribcage or an insight in the skeletal whites of his sclera

Even then as I said in the beginning I liked your story.

Good Job and Good Luck !


Courtly Love

It was that very raw feeling that Atela liked to feel the most but to her discontentment, she usually did not feel it at all but she was quite determined to feel it again since it had seemed a very long time since she had felt it last, yet she was unsure if she wanted to feel it again since the feeling ebbed away at her spine and made her unbalanced and uneasy at her core, yes, her veins would begin to pulsate and her stomache stomach would flutter as if the bone bony butterflies that were constantly in her mind’s cage had unlatched free and had traveled down to the lower back of her abdomen (I think this sentence is wrong, please consult with someone) ; she wanted to fall in love again… she wanted to feel that bit of completion that she had felt last time which is not what she was feeling at the moment or last night or the day before when she had made herself feel more incomplete and more detached than she had felt in years, that feeling that burned her skin for days and that feeling that people stared at when they saw the scars that would stay for maybe years to come, she didn’t know, and the burning feeling reminded her of chocolate, that was the weirdest thing because it would feel blissful for a moment and then it would burn and become blotchy and a pixilated (Is pixilated a word?) red and sometimes it would seep a rich, thick, dark, silky, honey that fled along her skin and would drown her thoughts for only a moment more and a fire would surround her and she might regret it or she might want to do it again, like eating a chocolate and then gaining weight, but sometimes Atela really wanted to stop, she wanted to feel the raw feeling, the feeling that chapped her brain raw and embalmed her in a deep slumber that made her forget sad thoughts and she wanted him, all she wanted to do was hold his hand really, she imagined it being warm and sweaty and she wanted that and maybe she had imagined other things happening in the hall where she sat and had cried during class once, but she didn’t want those things, she wanted this love to be courtly unlike her previous relation where she had spent everything physical on one person only and physical love wasn’t real love or raw love or maybe her past relation was not the love she thought it was before, maybe it was a starving lust that hungered on the sexual attraction that she did not want anymore …then what was this raw feeling, was it new, were they the tingles she felt before and now this was the new feeling, or were the tingles the new feeling and the lust had started to run away, along with her past thoughts and feelings and maybe things would end badly again… maybe he wouldn’t remember things when it would end, maybe he would forget things, or maybe he would ignore her, or maybe he wouldn’t agree with her or maybe he would run away from her and he wasn’t looking over at her, he wouldn’t even see her and she knew that people only saw what they wanted to see and that only showed how truly ignorant they were and so maybe he didn’t want to see her… but they were so close, practically a few yards away and he didn’t want to see her, he didn’t want to look at her and he didn’t even want to notice her, because really, there was nothing to notice, only another girl trying to put her feet on the ground, step out of the gates of her mother’s womb, and run before she could fly and Atela couldn’t even crawl to something that could give her hope and how could she crawl before she had hope, hope makes the world go around and around in it’s distinct tilt and it made people do funny things like taking a chance and that’s what she needed perhaps but she wasn’t too sure so she fed her dull book that she was pretending to read to her bag and took off and then he noticed her and she looked at him and she was so stunned that she walked away because maybe she hadn’t have actually noticed him (this sentence is wrong as well) and maybe she was ignorant too and maybe there was something that she didn’t know about him and maybe there was a feeling that he wanted too… a feeling that made his muscles tighten and a musical tune that breathed life into his veins and his eyes and his walk and his hands and maybe there was a beat in the exterior of his ribcage or an insight in the skeletal whites of his sclera and maybe it was enough to make something start and maybe it was so strong as to make something start that was new, exciting and raw.

HI there!

You have an interesting theme going on in this drabble. Where this failed is in execution. But, no worries, there's always editing, right?

First thing, I'd suggest you format it properly, so that it isn't one giant clump of text for the reader. It is easier on the eyes if the paragraphs have nice spaces between them

Grammar: There were quite a few grammatical errors and spelling errors. When you re-read this, concentrate on the grammatical nuances. Fix those little bugs!

Flow: As Trisanki said, the flow was off in this. I think this is because of the run-on sentences you've used. I agree that when used effectively, they have a good effect, but here, not so much. One sentence is just way too long and a reader will want to skip past a couple of lines to the next sentence.

Description: You've got some great description in there, which sounds great with the tone you used, but some of them border on the 'cliche' zone. Try to avoid them, but not too much. A good balance, okay?

I think you should work on extending it a little more, and adding more depth to the emotions, since this is based off on raw emotion. Work some more and you'll have a good story.

PM me if any questions/comments!

~Lava

Hi there!
The grammar needs some SERIOUS work. It was all one big sentence! It was very very confusing. Break it up into sentences, with full stops and stuff, and make the sentences short, otherwise the reader will just give up. For example:

It was that very raw feeling that Atela liked to feel the most but to her discontentment, she usually did not feel it at all but she was quite determined to feel it again since it had seemed a very long time since she had felt it last, yet she was unsure if she wanted to feel it again

This could be:

It was that very raw feeling that Atela liked to feel the most. But to her discontentment, she usually did not feel it at all. She was quite determined to feel it again since it had seemed a very long time since she had felt it last, yet she was unsure if she wanted to feel it again.

Also, the writing itself at some parts didn't make sense, but that's already been pointed out ^^. The story looks interesting, it just needs some heavy editing. Keep it up!