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Rainy Recollections



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Tue Aug 02, 2011 8:39 am
KnightlyAngel09 says...



It was raining again. A small, sad sort of smile forced its way into his lips. He couldn’t help but think of her, though he knew that pining for her would all be in vain. He frowned and approached the window and watched as the droplets trickled down slowly. The dark glass reflected his face and his frown deepened. It was amazing what a year of hard labor had done to him. His face was wan, and his dark eyes were as empty as the street below. He looked at his reflection on the window, and for a minute, he imagined that he saw her there beside him as well.

He ran a hand across his eyes but there were no tears to wipe away. He simply wanted to banish her from his thoughts. A vain wish.

He could have born anything if he knew that in the end, she would be his. The hard year of labor, of suffering, of self-control was all for nothing. He was trying to raise himself in the world for her sake, but with a single letter, she destroyed everything he had hoped for.

He hated her. He hated her weakness. Why could you not wait for me? He whispered the question to the empty room and the flickering candle was his only response. He hated the memories of her. He hated the words that had given him so much hope for the future. I do love you, I do. Had she not uttered those words herself? He remembered it so vividly because it was the beginning of his life. Those words brought fresh air into his lungs and propelled him to try to find a higher place in the world.

Vain words they were, of course. She had not waited for him. While he worked and studied night and day for her sake, she had been romancing with a man who was much richer than he ever hoped to be. Eleven months after he left her, with a promise to return and claim her hand, he received the news: she had married another.

If he could have seen her while he was reading the letter! He would have shaken her. What happened to the girl he fell in love with? The one with so much passion in her soul, the one who believed that true happiness can only be achieved by love, and love alone. He would have torn the letter, but as a proof of his own weakness, he had kept it, because it was the last he will ever receive from her.

She said it was a practical marriage. She said it would make her parents so happy. Will it make you happy? He wondered. No. He knew her well enough to imagine what a loveless marriage would do to her spirit. She will not be happy. He thought he would find comfort in that thought, but it only made his heart ache for her.

I will forget you. He snuffed the candle out and prayed to God that there will be no more dreams of her. She was a cavity in his soul, and every remembrance of her seemed to widen the emptiness within him. He shivered as he thought of her. It was raining and she was far from him, and now, forever unreachable. It was raining, and the ice cold droplets seemed to trickle down into his soul.

***
The fire was roaring as she climbed into bed. She looked up at the dancing shadows of the flames and listened to the sound of the pouring rain. Her husband was snoring soundly beside her. Did I choose wrong? She stood up and walked to the window and gazed at her reflection. For a moment, she imagined that his own image was beside her. She shivered at the thought of him. She was in a great house, with warm blankets, and money to pay for fires to keep her warm all night. Shallow, worthless things, she thought. They kept her shielded from the rain outside, yet there was a torrential downpour within that drenched her very soul.
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter, as long as I'm laughing with you.:)
  





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Tue Aug 02, 2011 12:03 pm
Folius says...



A wonderful short story, I feel. I could sense the emotions that the man had, though I felt that it was not expressed fully.

There are not many errors, as I see it, because I'm not that good a reviewer (sorry!) but I'll try my best.
It was amazing what a year of hard labor had done to him. His face was wan, and his dark eyes were as empty as the street below.


I especially liked how you used "wan" in that sentence. It explains what the 'hard labor' had did to him. Though, some words seemed rather repetitive, or perhaps it was used for emphasis?

Overall, I liked it, and I just feel that more emotion should've been placed within the characters. But then again, it is just my opinion.
Everything is so troublesome! D:.
  





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Tue Aug 02, 2011 4:51 pm
WriteWriter says...



This is a very good short story, personally, I could read it a few more times. I really liked the way that you explained how their emotions were. Nicely done!(:
I Know I Can Wish Upon A Star But My Past Is My Past, And That Includes Last Night And Yesterday.
  





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Tue Aug 02, 2011 5:28 pm
Gryffindor13 says...



Very nicley done! I don't have anything bad to say. I loved it!
  





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Tue Aug 02, 2011 8:18 pm
DevanEWilliams says...



A sort of sad story. This was very well written. I like how you switched points of view to see both sides of what was going on.
A couple small issues:
He couldn’t help but think of her, though he knew that pining for her would all be in vain

And then:
He ran a hand across his eyes but there were no tears to wipe away. He simply wanted to banish her from his thoughts. A vain wish.

Repetition of the word "vain."
Another:
She was a cavity in his soul, and every remembrance of her seemed to widen the emptiness within him.

It was raining, and the ice cold droplets seemed to trickle down into his soul.

It's okay to repeat the word "soul" the next paragraph down but it's a bit weird if it's only a few sentences apart.
That's pretty much all I have to say. Overall a really good story. Hope these comments helped.
~Devan
Stay away from limbo bears.
And always have extra marshmallows on hand in case of emergencies.

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Wed Aug 03, 2011 11:28 am
Priceless says...



Hey there,
Awesomeness!! I really loved this. Beautiful writing :) I loved how you brought out their feelings. It was pretty much perfect! Except for some nitpicks:

A small, sad sort of smile forced its way into his lips.


'into his lips' seems wrong, somehow. I think 'onto his lips' would sound better.

He could have born anything if he knew that in the end, she would be his.


'born' should be 'borne'
He snuffed the candle out and prayed to God that there will be no more dreams of her.


'will' should be 'would'.

But awesomely done!!
We're all a little weird. And life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
  








I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
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