Young Writers Society

Okay, so I just have this part of the story, and I would love to turn it into a novel, but I don't have the storyline yet, so tell me what you think!

Pain surged through my body. I could feel it in my bones as the center of a fire. It strained my body, drained my energy. I writhed on the cold, stone cell floor, trying desperately to escape this agony. A gasp passed through my lips. I closed my mouth quickly. An audible snap could be heard as my jaw clamped shut. I tried to pull my hands to my head, as if they could block out this suffering. But the ropes that held me bondage behind my back would not loosen their grip. The pain only lasted for a few long seconds before it slowly lessened. I rested on the left side of my body, opening my mouth, breathing heavily, sweat dripping from my face.

I heard a low and menacing chuckle from above me. “Like it? Our new torture device?”

I ignored his question. “Who… are you?” I whispered.

The man was silent for a moment. “Wrong question,” he said before I was thrown back into a spasm of pain only slightly less painful then before. It ended swifter then the first. I gasped as the pain faded.

“What… do you… want from me?” I asked in between gulps of air.

There was another chuckle. “I want information,” the man’s voice answered casually.

“What information?” I demanded, still out of breath.

The man shuffled beside me, and when he spoke, his voice was so near to my head, I could feel his spit. I could feel his body heat behind me “I want to know a little more about that girlfriend of yours.”

My eyes flew open. Violet? How could they know…? Nobody knew; we were hidden! How did they know? Panic spread across my face. If they knew about Violet and myself, how much more information did they have?

The man stood back up and walked around the room into my view. He smiled when he saw shock and fear flash on my face. “Oh, does it surprise you we know about you and your little ‘rebellion’?” I didn’t answer. The man nodded. “Oh, yes. We’ve known for quite awhile. What’s her name? Scarlett or something, right?” His gaze turned pointedly at me. I knew what he was doing, I knew he was trying to get a reaction from me, but I couldn’t stop myself from answering.

“If you dare touch her,” I threatened. I didn’t get to finish before a quick burst of pain hit my body. This time I was unprepared, and I couldn’t block the moan. I shut my mouth and closed my eyes. I pulled my knees up to my forehead, hoping that the position would end the pain. It ended quickly through no influence from me, but still left me sweating and breathless. I uncurled slightly and opened my eyes so I could look the man in the eye. Even if I was on the floor, in agony, with my hands tied behind my back, I would remain strong.

The man crouched down just a few feet away from me. “Don’t act all tough, weakling. I will break you; you will give me the answers I want, or die protecting them. And frankly,” he shook his head once. “It doesn’t matter to me whether or not you co-operate.” We stayed silent for a moment before he spoke again. “Oh, and one more thing. You tell me what I need to know, and you go free.”

Free. I had only been in this cell for a mere three days and already that word appealed to me. I missed my freedom, but only because I missed Violet. Her face flashed through my mind from the last time I had seen her, smiling and happy. Her dark brown hair blowing in the wind as the sun set beside us. It’s dying light reflecting off of her bright blues eyes. She had been holding my hand; it was the first time she had trusted me to come so near her, and she quickly dropped her arm, blushing as brightly as the sky.

Was my freedom more important then her? Another gust of wind blew through my mind and she was gone. No, nothing was more important then her.

My face darkened in my hate. “Never!” I growled.

The man frowned. “Wrong choice.”

A buzz sounded in my ears as I was once again engulfed in agony. This one more painful then even the first. I closed my eyes and screamed in my agony. My bones weren’t the center of a fire; they were the liquid molten in a Blacksmith’s flames. My body jerked back and forth, completely out of my control. My eyes flew open again, focusing on the man. He stood in the corner looking at me as if he were reading paperwork. My hate blazed as high as the pain I was feeling before my vision faded to black.

No! I screamed to myself. Violet’s smiling face flashed once more across my sight, before she too went dark. No! No! No! I screamed before my anguish diminished as well, until I couldn’t feel anything…

I really like this, the heroism and the bravery of the man to protect the one he loves appeals to me. I have always had a soft spot for stories that provide romance and danger. Good job and keep writing. Oh and I really do hope you turn this into a wonderful novel or something.

I really liked it! very nice feel, and good job setting the scene. You should really turn it into a novel! I would definitely read it. Maybe you could have the bad guys be the rebellion instead of the other way around. That'd be a pretty cool way to look at things.
KEEP WRITING!!

That's a really, really good quality of writing. You began with a startling image which drew the reader in, well done on that. A very powerful beginning ^.^ The story continued with great momentum, stimulating imagery and description. The feelings of loyalty in the main character were clearly expressed without being weighed down be cliche, or too extensive and annoying: again, congratulations, that's pretty rare, in my opinion. The plot was interesting, kept moving throughout and had a beginning, an obstacle and a decision to be made. This was very well done also. For these reasons, I really enjoyed this, so I'm going to advise you to probably take this further? I think your writing shows another great quality in writers: a love for your protagonist. I think this quality in a work of greater length would be fantastic, if you have the interest and the plot material to do so xD Keep writing, this is fantastic <3

I like the intrigue of this piece. It really grabbed me up, made me want to find out what was going to happen. I found that the writing style and voice were overall sound, and your main character was likable and clearly brave. However, there were a few instances when you used "then" instead of "than" when comparing things, and a few awkward sentence fragments. Other than those small gramatical errors, I thought this was quite good!

This is a very interesting piece of work. I hope it does end up in a novel for you because the way you start was just... superb. You introduction grabbed me, and you kept me pulled in. The whole mysterious interrogation setting got me on the edge of my seat, and I can tell that you'd probably continue to do that if it does indeed become a novel, readers wont put it down. There were only a few points in this that confused me... My only advice, would be to maybe show the reader a tad more. A lot of sentences started with "I..." "I..." "I..." after a while it gets boring, but I have the same problem and it is hard to fix. Also maybe explain who the "they" are. the people who have captured your main character, and your point of view character as well. Giving them names, might clear up some confusion readers might have. Are the capturing characters part of some organization? or just the law enforcement? That too could be explained briefly o be explained later. Other than those, it's well written, which is a nice change from other websites. I hope you post more because, I honestly would love to read more of it.