Young Writers Society

No! No! I have to comment again!

I'm not usually one for knocking other people's critique... but the whole reeling off a list thing was what sold that part to me. It gave the whole impression of being totally unimportant to these two people figuring out that they like each other, and that's *good*! It's background information, it's the past, and this is the important stuff. Keep it short, keep it impersonal, keep it cast-off and discarded. I love it that way.

OK, that's all

I'm usually not one for knocking a person's critique of my critique...
So I won't.

Uhm. But what I said still stands. I guess it's just a matter of taste, because I prefer it more personal. Especially with the subject matter the characters were talking about... But whatever.

you wrote: "West Point—the university of his dreams. He’d always wanted to go into the military, ever since we were kids. I can remember one time in middle school when we were here, at this dock, and he told me that he wanted to join the army when he was old enough so that he could fight away all the bad stuff in the world. Neither of us knew at the time that bad things weren’t always on the outside.

“How’ve you been?”

I turn my head to look at head, leaning against my shoulder just "

It shuold be:
"West Point—the university of his dreams. He’d always wanted to go into the military, ever since we were kids. I can remember one time in middle school when we were here, at this very dock, and he told me that he wanted to join the army when he was old enough so that he could fight away all the bad stuff in the world. Neither of us knew at the time that bad things weren’t always on the outside.

“How’ve you been?”

I turn my head to look at his, leaning against my shoulder just "

also when you said, it took a lot of restraint, that was wrong.
Other wise it was great! The end made me giggle.

It's wonderful! So sweet and romantic. It flows so wonderfully that it's almost like a poem. It's really good. I loved the last line!

I rarely venture into the Romantic Fiction forum, but I then saw that this work was the "featured story" and came to take a look...

VERY good work,
Areida!!
Well written.

*bonus points for making the guy a US serviceman .

Thanks for taking such an in-depth look, Lyndsey. I think Bob's got it pretty close, though. I didn't really think about it as I wrote, but I'm pretty sure the point there was to show that those things were just water under the bridge. They both have their own problems, but that wasn't what was important right then.

I think it was also supposed to show some acceptance on the speaker's part. Basically, here's what's going on, that's just the way it is. Yeah, he's got problems, but I do too. It was also to show that they had the same type of problems. Parents (his are in the process of a divorce, hers have been for years), relationships (his girlfriend dumping him, her boyfriend cheating then taking out her sister), and worrying about siblings (his sister's hanging with the wrong crowd, her sister-in-law lost her baby).

Don't know if that made any sense. I guess that was rambling for no reason really, since everyone's entitled to their opinion.

Thanks for pointing out the typo, zel... I'll fix zat today.

Thanks Supermal! I think that's pretty much how I wanted it to come off, and I'm glad you liked it.

Aviator, I commend your trying something new. Thanks for checking it out and as for:

*bonus points for making the guy a US serviceman.

Naturally, m'dear, naturally. Lately a lot of my work has been taking a more military spin. We can blame on my older sister, since it's her fault I know anything at all about West Point.

Again, thank you to all who have read and commented! Just knowing you took the time to read really means a lot to me. Every time I log on and click on the 'view posts since your last visit thing' and see that I've gotten another comment, I get all warm and fuzzy inside..

Hey this is an old member, too lazy to sign in... It's bard of life, and all I have to say is wow. I hadn't read anything of yours before, and I LOVE IT!

Hey bard, how goes it? Glad you liked it. Hey, there went that warm fuzzy thing again... Sheesh, guys.

*grins* look! Ari wrote something! *plops down in chair and reads the whole thing through*

*grins some more* very nicely done, Ari, more of the stuff that makes me wonder how I managed to win best writer in the YWS awards when you were nominated. I really enjoyed it.

My favorite part was:
“I laugh a lot. I just haven’t found much to be happy about back home.”

His parents are getting divorced, his ex-girlfriend is dating his former best friend because they ended up at the same college, and his younger sister keeps getting into trouble at school.

“Maybe you’re not looking hard enough.” My parents are divorced, my boyfriend cheated on me last year and then took my younger sister to our senior prom, and my brother’s wife just had a miscarriage.

It was a cool way to put this, though I can't really put my finger on why it struck me so much. I guess it was the parallel that you put between the two statements and the two points of view that you managed to get across so clearly, and yet in so few words. It was great.

And I loved the whole bit about the baseball cap. It's such a familar feeling to want to steal a guy's hat... lol...

Just in case I haven't gushed enough... this is really great, Ari...

Um...well, I am left speechless, since evryone else has already said and re-said anything I could possibly say, LOL. Anyway, this is the first thing I've read and critiqued on here in a while (not that this is really a critique, per se, since all of the critiquing has already been done by others) and I have to say it's brilliant. I started reading on a whim and then got hooked. ^_^
If I took the time to tell you my favourite bits I'd be here all night, so I'll just say it was all really awesome. Kudos! :thumb:

It was brilliant! I loved it. It wasn't too mushy. I could totally imagine this in real life. I love Napoleon Dynamite, so the quote was hilarious to me. Great work!

Haah, you're welcome! I can see his (and your) take on the "list" paragraphs. I suppose I just like reading about people who are like me: emotionally attatched to anything and everything! (Otherwise known as "freaks"...)

Anyhow. Glad to see people are still reading this...!

Astounding.

I mean it, this is pretty powerful stuff, considering it is a freewrite.

Great romance stuff always ends up augmenting your repetoire of romantic stuff. In this case, I feel a strange and sudden urge to go to West Point.

I think I'll sleep it off.

Hee hee. You people make me want to write! *goes off to do so*

OMG THAT WUZ THE BEST STORY EVER!!! me and my friend are killing time in computer class and we dicided 2 read ur story!! it's soo good!! we almost cried keep up the good work!!!