Young Writers Society

Sam Collins' sand-coloured hair weaved itself through the crowd towards me, my knees shook, my heart raced and I felt sure that if he got any closer I would surely faint.
"Are you ok?" the friend at my side asked me brushing her long hair behind her ear, "You look weird."
I sighed, compared to her, I always looked weird; she was beautiful. She had waist length, dark, brown hair and gorgeous, hazel eyes; the only things I had were mousy, short, hair and eyes that could only be described as hospital grey.
"Yes, I'm fine." I replied heavily.
The situation wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't for the fact, that the boy that was playing my heartstrings like a harp was my friend's boyfriend.
I watched as the couple embraced in the school corridor, feeling my heart sink as my legs threatened to give way.
"Hi Sam." I attempted, blushing scarlet to my cheeks and running my sweaty palms across my thighs.
"Hey." He shot back without taking his eyes from my friend, grinning all the same and melting my heart yet again.
"Don't you have something to do?" my friend asked, widening her eyes in my direction, a signal for me to leave so she and Sam could spend some time together.
"Yes, actually." I replied holding my head up, "I do."
Without waiting for a reply, I turned on my heels and headed off down the corridor, away from the soul-crushingly attractive couple.
When I arrived on the school field I threw my bag to the grass and sat myself down on the muddy hill. I leant back and lay down amongst the blades and closed my eyes, feeling the warmth of the sun from behind my eyelids.
"Hi Faye" came a voice, along with a shadow blocking my sunlight, "How're you?"
I rolled my eyes before opening them, "Hi Matt."
Matthew Collins, Sam's younger brother, in my year and the complete opposite of his older brother; even his appearance was the opposite, where Sam had sandy hair Matt's was dark and Sam's brown eyes were mirrored with Matt's blue ones. The infinite, most stark difference between the two brothers was, Sam was cool, and Matt? Matt was... for lack of another word, Matt was a geek.
"What do you want Matt?" I asked, irritated.
"Nothing." He said sitting down beside me and removing his glasses, "Just wondering how you are."
"I'm fine." I said looking towards him, "Don't I look fine?"
Matt smiled, showing, I noticed for the first time, perfectly straight teeth. I tried to remember whether Sam's teeth were that straight, but I came to the conclusion that they must be, they were brothers after all.
"No," Matt replied, "You don't. What's Wrong?"
I sighed, for what seemed like the thousandth time that day, "Nothing, I like this guy... but he doesn't even know I'm alive."
"Yeah." Matt replied, "I know exactly what you mean." For a moment Matt looked sad before rearranging his face to put the smile back on his lips.
"How would you?" I snapped, "It's not the same."
Matt nodded, "Maybe it's not."
"You know what the worst thing is?" I asked angrily, "The worst thing in the entire world?"
"What's That?"
"I don' t even have a date for the summer disco." I laughed, covering my sadness. The summer disco was the last disco before school broke up for the summer, the biggest social event, and I didn't have a date, it was a disaster.
"You could always go with me!" Matt said, his smile growing wider.
I laughed for a moment before looking at him, "Oh god," I whispered, "You're serious."
He nodded.
I couldn't go with Matt Collins; what would everyone think if I turned up with him at the disco?
"I'm sorry Matt, I can't."
"Why?" He asked, "Because I'm not 'Cool?' "
I shook my head "No-"
"I'll see you later." He said standing up and walking away.
"Matt." I called after him, standing and walking after him, "I'm sorry, I'll go with you."
"You don't have to."
"I want to." I replied, and although I didn't know it then, I really did.


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This was written to submit to a magazine competion.

Give me More!! Excellent Job!!
Alanna

Vashman wrote:Sam Collins' sand-coloured hair weaved itself through the crowd towards me, my knees shook, my heart raced and I felt sure that if he got any closer I would surely faint.

Okay, first of all, its an info dump. You tell us IMMEDIATELY that his hair is sand-colored. Second, can hair really weave itself through a crowd and towards you? Is his hair very long, and moves on its own? Don't write things that don't make sense. "My knees" should start a new sentence. instead of "I felt sure" say "I was sure" and "surely" is an uncertain word. She either is, or isn't going to faint. So take it out.

Vashman wrote:"Are you ok?" the friend at my side asked me brushing her long hair behind her ear, "You look weird."

This friend also comes up later, you should name her sooner. Also, don't put actions along side dialog tags. its just say 'said my friend' and then 'she brushed her long hair behind her ear. "You look weird." You don't have to tell us she is standing at your side, its assumed.

Vashman wrote:I sighed, compared to her, I always looked weird; she was beautiful. She had waist length, dark, brown hair and gorgeous, hazel eyes; the only things I had were mousy, short, hair and eyes that could only be described as hospital grey.

Info dump again! Within the first three paragraphs we already know what all three of your characters like. When describing someone, put it in with an action not just flat out description. Before, your friend was brushing her hair back, and so you could say what color it is. But here, you are just telling us. also 'grey' is spelled 'gray' 'Grey' is the last name, 'gray' is the color.

Vashman wrote:"Yes, I'm fine." I replied heavily.
The situation wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't for the fact, that the boy that was playing my heartstrings like a harp was my friend's boyfriend.
I watched as the couple embraced in the school corridor, feeling my heart sink as my legs threatened to give way.
"Hi Sam." I attempted, blushing scarlet to my cheeks and running my sweaty palms across my thighs.

Don't add action to dialog tags, remember it would be better if it just said "He Sam," I whispered. (use a comma, since there is a tag after it, and do not have your characters speak in a way they can't. Can you attempt words? no, but you can whisper them! Look here for what I'm talking about.) I blushed and ran my sweaty palms across my thighs. Blushing means scarlet.

Vashman wrote:"Hey." He shot back without taking his eyes from my friend, grinning all the same and melting my heart yet again.

I'll stop saying it after this, heh. Don't have your characters speak in ways they can't (shooting) and don't add action to dialog tags.

Vashman wrote:"Don't you have something to do?" my friend asked, widening her eyes in my direction, a signal for me to leave so she and Sam could spend some time together.
"Yes, actually." I replied holding my head up, "I do."
Without waiting for a reply, I turned on my heels and headed off down the corridor, away from the soul-crushingly attractive couple.
When I arrived on the school field I threw my bag to the grass and sat myself down on the muddy hill. I leant back and lay down amongst the blades and closed my eyes, feeling the warmth of the sun from behind my eyelids.

leant, or rather ending in 't' is the same thing as ending in 'ed' but be consistent. change this to 'leaned' also, keep constant with your tenses (feeling) and watch out for passive voice. (there is a really nice tip someone wrote on this over in the writing tips section.)

Vashman wrote:"Hi Faye" came a voice, along with a shadow blocking my sunlight, "How're you?"
I rolled my eyes before opening them, "Hi Matt."
Matthew Collins, Sam's younger brother, in my year and the complete opposite of his older brother; even his appearance was the opposite, where Sam had sandy hair Matt's was dark and Sam's brown eyes were mirrored with Matt's blue ones. The infinite, most stark difference between the two brothers was, Sam was cool, and Matt? Matt was... for lack of another word, Matt was a geek.

What do you mean by 'in my year'?

The story is good, in general. You have good intentions. In some places you need better dialog punctuation, and the emotions are lacking. You need to show us more, not tell us. and when Faye (by the way, we should learn he name is Faye sooner) is talking with Matt and he gets upset and leaves, we hear nothing about what she is feeling or what he is doing that might show what he is feeling. We're just getting complaining, and dialog.

You could make this a whole lot better, just watch out for the stuff I mentioned above, and try to put in more emotion rather than teenage complaining Don't feel bad though, we all complain!

How did the magazine submission turn out, anyhow?

Rated G.

"Are you ok?"

I think (someone correct me if I'm wrong) that you should write out "okay" instead of just "ok".

I sighed, compared to her, I always looked weird; she was beautiful. She had waist length, dark, brown hair and gorgeous, hazel eyes; the only things I had were mousy, short, hair and eyes that could only be described as hospital grey.

Both in this spot and at the beginning with the "sandy hair" you are describing to the readers what a character looks like. But why do we have to know? It's okay to tell about a character's appearance through actions: you used it previously, with the friend pushing her long hair behind her ear. But giving full-blown, head-to-toe descriptions like this is a no-no. Let the audience discover the character's physical appearance slowly!


Near the ending--that is, after your main character leaves Sam and her friend--things feel rushed. Were you hurrying to get this finished? Wanted to get to the end? Make sure you take your time to describe things to help pace yourself. What does the world around your characters look like? How does your character feel? This is, first person, after all.

Good luck, and PM me or ask me here if you have any questions!

I agree with Claudette. You give away too much stuff and don't really need to. Instead try spacing things out more. And yes, Cassandra, I think it is supposed to be "okay", not "ok".
Keep trying.
Pandora

More more more! Please continue before I die of suspense!