Young Writers Society

This is just something I came up with and wanted to know what ya'll thought. Critiques are needed! Writergirl
P.S. This is not finish. I just wanted insight before I continued.

Catalina looked up at the young man beside her. His grey eyes held wisdom far beyond his seventeen years. His blond hair moved with the wind as if it had a life of its own. Catalina realized for the first time that Caden had become more than a childhood friend. Whenever he turned those eyes onto her, her knees went weak and she could swear that her heart stopped beating. She forced herself to concentrate on what he was telling her.

“Now, hunting is a very delicate sport. And, as you know, one that is dear to my heart. I only agreed to bring you along because you promised you wouldn’t be any trouble.”

Catalina rushed to assure him. “No trouble at all. You won’t even know I’m here.”

Caden laughed quietly so as not to spook his horse, Ajax. “It’s kind of hard to forget.” His eyes roamed over her. “After all,” he continued, “You are my best friend. And,” he said seriously, “I did promise your father I would take care of you. The forest is a dangerous place. Always has been. But especially now that the Black Thieves have been hanging around and harming anyone who comes near these dark woods.” Here he gave her a stern glance.

Catalina sighed. He was always doing this. Just because he was two years older than her did not mean that she couldn’t take care of herself. On the contrary, Cat was an amazing fighter and held her own in most battles. Of course, she had never been to war, but she could still fight anyone who challenged her. “I thought we had been over this. I will be perfectly fine! So, stop stewing. That’s my father’s job remember!” Catalina said trying for a light tone. Caden smiled, but it didn’t get any farther than the corners of his mouth. Catalina peeled her eyes away from his worried ones and stared at the path in front of them, watching for any signs of approaching game. The scene was quite breath taking. It was fall, and all the leaves had already turned the familiar colors; red, gold, and yellow. The sun shone brightly upon the crystal clear stream running through the entire forest. Every animal around usually chose this stop to drink, which is why Caden had insisted that they would watch this spot.
She heard him heave a heavy sigh.

“You know I can’t help but worry about you, Cat. After all, I am like a brother to you. And doesn’t a brother have the right to worry?”

Cat felt her heart speed up. Brother! If you only knew! She forced herself to meet his steady gaze. She could have sworn that there was understanding in them. It’s just my imagination. I have longed for this to happen so much that I’m imaging things! “Of course you have the right to worry,” Cat answered. “I just wish you wouldn’t worry as much as you do. You know-“ Her words were cut off suddenly by the sound of horse hooves in the distance.“Be quieted!” Caden hissed. Cat instinctively reached for her bow and saw Caden do the same. As the horses came into view, Caden stiffened. Cat looked at him curiously. She knew that he had another life besides the one he shared with her, but she never questioned him about it. She focused back in on the loud raucous which was scaring away the best prize animals. The horses snorted impatiently while the two humans watched closely as two mysterious riders dismounted their black geldings and looked around them, as if searching for something. Cat was afraid to even breathe. She felt a light tap on her arm and turned her head slightly to see what Caden wanted. He motioned for her to get on her horse. She finally acquiesced, knowing not what his fate may be. “Just go!” he mumbled. Cat jumped on her horse and spurred it into a gallop, heading back to the Lone Wolf Inn.

I like it! The names are good, different and intriguing, I'm not sure about the ending though. It seems as if the story was going to climax there, as if something was going to happen between them and then it just ended! It was a bit of an anti-climax. I liked the plot though, the way you placed love in a romantic, parental and brotherly way was effective and it was a good contrast to the fighting! I liked it a lot! well done!

Catalina looked up at the young boy beside her.

"Young boy" made me think that Catalina is older then him, which apparently isn't the case... And I think 17 is a bit old to be called a young boy? Maybe it could be changed to "young man".

“You are my best friend. And,” he said almost sternly... Here he gave her a stern glance.

I'd suggest not using "stern" to describe him twice in a row... Maybe use a more descriptive way to tell us about his words and/or look? Mabye "he said with even more seriousness"... Just an idea.

Speaking of sternness, in the story so far Caden's personality seems to rely a little heavily on it... He seems almost too full of himself, which made it hard for me to sympathize with Cat for liking him.

Anyway, the story does seem good so far. The contrasting feelings Cat and Caden have for each other make it interesting, and I look forward to seeing what happens.

Catalina peeled her eyes away from his worried ones

don't make your character's eyes do funky things.

This piece is very short... its well written in some places, then in others its not. It's a little hard to follow the exact action (where are they, whats going on, what is the scenery?).

You haven't really shown us any plot, other than the conflict of Caden and Cat and their relationship, but thats not presented too strongly. If you plan on continuing this (and it feels like you do) I would try to present the actual plot sooner.

I thought this was good, very readable, which i think counts for a lot: if there's one flaw that books like LOTR and His Dark Materials have, it's that they tend to become difficult to read at some points.

You describe your characters very well, not too much detail, not too little. I hope you continue this, it's already going very smoothly, although I admit that there is very little here to go anything but smoothly!

Anyways, looking forward to more,

Kaz.

ps. if you have the opppurtinity, I'd appreciate it if you would take a look at my latest piece, House of Wolves, and critique. The link is down here! Thanks!

As promised, a critique!

I have to admit, when I first began reading this I did a sort of mental rolling of the eyes accompanied by a here-we-go-again. While the writing is technically done well, with correct use of punctuation and grammar, the descriptions in the first paragraph are more than usually cliched. Eyes wiser than they should be, golden hair that blows in the wind, weak knees and hearts missing beats? *Winces.* Also, later on: please refrain from using any combination of a question mark and exclamation point, like "?!" or "!?" If necessary in spoken dialogue, use the verb to provide emphasis. As it is, having the comment "If you only knew!" afterward negates the need to have more than a solitary question mark.

There's really not much here to critique aside from the more technical and stylistic aspects; there's very little plot since it's so short, and virtually no character development. Basically you've given us a vignette, a brief glimpse into the story. PM me and let me know when you've posted more; then I'll be able to give you more constructive criticism!

Catalina looked up at the young man beside her. His grey eyes held wisdom far beyond his seventeen years. His blond hair moved with the wind as if it had a life of its own. Catalina realized for the first time that Caden had become more than a childhood friend. Whenever he turned those eyes onto her, her knees went weak and she could swear that her heart stopped beating. She forced herself to concentrate on what he was telling her.

Good job starting with a bit of action. You put us in the scene from the beginning. Unfortunately, I also have to agree with Fand here a bit - the descriptions are a bit cliche. Also, you're starting with description, which sort of takes away from our "being there." You're telling a bit more than you're showing. Give me a bit of action before you go into physical description, and when you start to describe Caden (wonderful name, by the way), blend it in a little more. Don't just go, "He had gray eyes and blond hair, was 5'8" and 150 lbs..." Actually blend it in. You do an okay job of it, with the mention of his hair moving with the wind, but I think it's too close to the description of his eyes. It's giving us too much description at once, which sort of bogs it down. I do like how she's having trouble concentrating... I've been caught in that awkward moment a few times where the guy looks at you, and you realize he's asked a question and you have no idea what he just said.

“Now, hunting is a very delicate sport. And, as you know, one that is dear to my heart. I only agreed to bring you along because you promised you wouldn’t be any trouble.”

Well... this seems a bit stern for a childhood/best friend, but since you later describe him as being more of a brother, it's okay. I still have to wonder if this dialogue is natural, though...

Catalina rushed to assure him. “No trouble at all. You won’t even know I’m here.”

Caden laughed quietly so as not to spook his horse, Ajax. “It’s kind of hard to forget.” His eyes roamed over her. “After all,” he continued, “You are my best friend. And,” he said seriously, “I did promise your father I would take care of you. The forest is a dangerous place. Always has been. But especially now that the Black Thieves have been hanging around and harming anyone who comes near these dark woods.” Here he gave her a stern glance.

Normally, if I know anything about horses, laughing doesn't spook a horse. Very loud noises can, like gunshots, although perhaps he has an extremely sensitive horse? The part where his eyes roam over her is kinda creepy, if he views her as a sister. If he views her as more, I think he should lighten up his speech a bit. Normally, if you like someone, you can be protective but you generally treat that person more as an equal. The part where he says, "You are my best friend" seems sort of forced. We already know they're childhood friends. I don't think you need that unnatural "best friend" phrase here to clarify. I don't know... He just seems TOO protective of her, you know?

Catalina sighed. He was always doing this. Just because he was two years older than her did not mean that she couldn’t take care of herself. On the contrary, Cat was an amazing fighter and held her own in most battles. Of course, she had never been to war, but she could still fight anyone who challenged her. “I thought we had been over this. I will be perfectly fine! So, stop stewing. That’s my father’s job remember!” Catalina said trying for a light tone. Caden smiled, but it didn’t get any farther than the corners of his mouth. Catalina peeled her eyes away from his worried ones and stared at the path in front of them, watching for any signs of approaching game. The scene was quite breath taking. It was fall, and all the leaves had already turned the familiar colors; red, gold, and yellow. The sun shone brightly upon the crystal clear stream running through the entire forest. Every animal around usually chose this stop to drink, which is why Caden had insisted that they would watch this spot.

Here's a lot more exposition, and I think this paragraph should really be split up. She's an amazing fighter? Okay. Now I'm unsure as to the genre. I know it's a romance, but is this a fantasy as well? I had assumed it took place in modern times, or maybe had slight elements of fantasy, but the part about Cat being a fighter just came out of nowhere. I'm not sure I'd include that just yet. Or perhaps you can allude to the genre a little earlier, so this doesn't come as such a shock. Also, her little outburst about it being her father's job to worry about her needs a little help with punctuation: "'I thought we had been over this. I will be perfectly fine! So stop stewing. That’s my father’s job, remember!' Catalina said, trying for a light tone." Actually, I'm not sure I'm really getting the light tone in there. Maybe you could split it up, like: "'I thought we had been over this. I will be perfectly fine!" Cataline said, trying for a light tone. "So stop stewing. That's my father's job, remember!"

Also, I think I'd end the paragraph there. You then switch from her actions to his, and it can get a little confusing. My creative writing teacher says that writers should focus on one character's point of view at a time. If you start a paragraph focusing on a certain character, use only that character's senses. He or she can observe others, but it makes it just a little cleaner if we know where to look.

She heard him heave a heavy sigh.

“You know I can’t help but worry about you, Cat. After all, I am like a brother to you. And doesn’t a brother have the right to worry?”

He sounds a bit arrogant, pointing out how HE is like a brother to HER... Maybe you could change it to, "You know I can't help but worry about you, Cat. You're like a sister to me. And doesn't a brother have the right to worry about his sister?"

Cat felt her heart speed up. Brother! If you only knew! She forced herself to meet his steady gaze. She could have sworn that there was understanding in them.

I'm not sure her heart would speed up... Normally, if someone you like says they think of you like a sister, you feel a pain in your heart, because that's not what you're trying to be. I do like the last sentence there, though.

It’s just my imagination. I have longed for this to happen so much that I’m imaging things!

Italicize this part - they're her thoughts.

“Of course you have the right to worry,” Cat answered. “I just wish you wouldn’t worry as much as you do. You know-“ Her words were cut off suddenly by the sound of horse hooves in the distance.

End the paragraph there.

“Be quieted!” Caden hissed.

Quieted? Or quiet? This threw me off a bit. So far, they've spoken with modern slang, so "quieted" doesn't exactly fit.

Cat instinctively reached for her bow and saw Caden do the same. As the horses came into view, Caden stiffened. Cat looked at him curiously. She knew that he had another life besides the one he shared with her, but she never questioned him about it. She focused back in on the loud raucous which was scaring away the best prize animals.

Again, end the paragraph here. I'm not entirely clear on what caught Cat's interest. So he stiffened. I would think that would be a natural response to danger. I didn't see anything that might tip her off that he had a different life...

The horses snorted impatiently while the two humans watched closely as two mysterious riders dismounted their black geldings and looked around them, as if searching for something.

Wow! What a sentence. Mind breaking that up for me a bit? Perhaps, "The horses snorted impatiently while their riders watched closely. Two mysterious riders dismounted their black geldings and looked around them, as if searching for something." Actually, I'm not sure "closely" is the word you're looking for... Carefully? Silently? Maybe. Again, I'd end the paragraph here. I know it makes for a lot of little paragraphs, but that's what you want in a suspenseful/action-filled scene. That way, the reader doesn't get too caught up in description. Also, it has this weird effect of making things feel more fast-paced - the reader's eyes will fly down the page, building suspense.

Cat was afraid to even breathe. She felt a light tap on her arm and turned her head slightly to see what Caden wanted. He motioned for her to get on her horse. She finally acquiesced, knowing not what his fate may be. “Just go!” he mumbled. Cat jumped on her horse and spurred it into a gallop, heading back to the Lone Wolf Inn.

Again, you mix one character's actions with another's words. Maybe have his line "Just go!" on a separate line, while Cat's actions would be in their own sections, you know?

I actually like this ending. You already stated that it's not finished, so I'm interested to see what happens next. Very cool.

Overall, I think this is a good start. It needs a little work with descriptions and natural dialogue and such, but it can definitely be polished to produce a fine result. Very nice.

Wow, this is tough... I suppose I got here late. Basically, I agree with everything everyone's said so far, especially about the long paragraphs and the cliches.

And Cat and Caden's relationship doesn't seem like they're childhood friends -- his speech with her is very stiff and formal, and he's overprotective of her, IMO. I would think that if they're childhood friends he'd treat her more as an equal and acknowledge what she's capable of. Maybe childhood friends isn't the best term for it? It seems more like their parents have been friends for a long time but they've never really talked, or maybe he's a friends older brother, or something more like that.

And I'm finding it hard to sympathize with Cat... especially at the end, when she leaves without so much as a "you promised not to cause trouble" from Caden. But I supposed she interrogates him thoroughly afterwards? Unless he dies... . So, IMO, Cat's a bit too acquiescent, and Caden's a bit stiff.

But, otherwise, I like what I've seen so far... except there's too little of it to actually gauge anything. So, tell me when there's more. .

Thanks Crysi. This really helps. I will work on it. It may be a while though. Perhaps tommarrow? i don't know when. I have added a little more description, but not much. I'll break up everthing as well. Thanks to everyone. It really helps me! Writergirl

I am coming into this a little late, after many reviews. One critique I noticed was that some think you didn't give enough plot away. You know me; I don't rush to give it either, always, though I do sometimes. Sometimes, it's better to just ease in to the story, than spit out everything at once. Personally, I like that avenue better. I would rather get to know the characters, see them in a normal activity that is incident to their daily lives, before the high strung action kicks in. I like how you hint at Caden's plot and how you describe Cat's infatuation. It's very cute. I really couldn't find anything to comment on, as far as suggestions go, simply because it's short. But I really like what you've done. Someone said this was sort of like a snapshot or a glimpse; that's not a bad thing. it's just a taste, gives you a feel for two obviously important characters and the sense of a deeper plot. I actually sense the underpinnings of a very talented writer here, though I think you need more story to prove that true. But nonetheless, I think what you've done here is very good, and at this stage, I wouldn't recommend changing anything. Bravo.

It seemed a little bland to me. I liked Caden's character though Catalina bothers me for some reason. Also, their names are too similar IMO. It could use some tightening up and some more detail, more conflict would be nice too ^_^

[This really should be a credit to you, and i very much encourage you to keep writing!!

Wow, this is well written and well worded. Keep up the good work!

For everyone who enjoys this one, there is a sort of revised copy in Fantasy Fiction under the same title. I am trying to work on it however. So...Just wanted to let everyone know that.