Young Writers Society

THE GAME OF LOVE (I'm thinking of changing the title to 'Love is a Battlefield)

By Gigirl942


Dear Principal Steinback,

Due to me buying a house in Palm Springs, my daughter and I will be moving within the next two weeks and this is her last day in this school. I will be over this evening to fill out whatever forms are needed to transfer her out of this school. Thank you very much.

Sincerely,
Ms. Anabel Cross


That was the note Sylvia Cross solemnly handed her principal, who nodded understandingly when she was done reading it. Mrs. Lisa Steinback always hated to see even the most ill behaved student leave her school, especially when the child seemed so sad about leaving like Sylvia was. The middle aged woman with emerald eyes and straight golden hair tied up in an elegant bun inhaled deeply and looked as if she were about to say something when she was interrupted by the morning warning bell. Mrs. Steinback then only smiled.

"I hope you enjoy your final day here at Parsley, Sylvia," she said. "I think you should get to class now, and make sure to say goodbye to all of your friends and teachers."

Unless you were filthy rich and threw a huge farewell party for yourself, only inviting members of the 'in crowd', nobody was going to expect people to make a big deal about you leaving John Parsley Middle School. Usually, if you were going to move like Sylvia, you and your friends would have a little get together at your house that weekend to have cookies your mom baked and exchange cell phone numbers and email addresses. After that, you say your final goodbyes and make promises to write letters and meet again sometime soon. Then you move and all of the promises you made are broken. Your friends replace you with some other girl. No one replies to your emails. No one returns your calls and you also get new friends, and you never hear from your old friends again. The End.

That was what people expected, and it usually happened most of the time, though. It happened to me, when I transferred out of my old elementary school to a new elementary school in the middle of my fourth grade year. It also happened to a lot of other people I know, including a girl named Jenny, who had a countless number of friends. She wasn't rich though, she just was the kind of person people typically want to hang out with, minus the 'I'm better than you because I'm soooooo popular' mentality. It was a real shame actually. As soon as she moved to Michigan all her friends from Parsley completely disappeared, including me, and now I feel sort of guilty about it because she was one of my best friends and we used to love each other to pieces.

However, Jenny is not important. Back to Sylvia.

She had a huge number of friends, and all of them were her friends for one reason and one reason only(except for Lina Montez, who would be friends with Sylvia no matter what). Actually, they weren't really her friends at all. They were just waiting for her to move so they could get their slimy hands on what was hers and compete for it to see who gets it.

You're probably thinking, 'what did she own that every one wanted to take?'. Don't worry, that will all be cleared up very soon, but for now, lets focus on Sylvia herself.

Like everyone who ever lived, Sylvia had a story to tell, but I, the Narrator a.k.a the person who was on the sidelines taking notes in all this, will not go into detail about what was going on in her life. She's not as important as you, the reader, may think. Surprised? I'm sure you are.


As she quietly entered the science classroom, where she saw the familiar faces of all her classmates, Sylvia wondered how she was going to tell them that she was moving and after that Friday she would never set foot in that school again. She could tell them at lunch, leave messages on their cell phones, or slip notes into their lockers. There were a thousand possibilities, Sylvia just needed to pick the right one.


The science teacher, Ms. Levine, started to speak and Sylvia, now sitting at a desk in the middle of the room shook her head. This was not the time to focus on things like how to say goodbye, this was the time to focus on science. Even through she banished all distractions from her mind, it was still kind of hard to concentrate since today's lesson was especially boring.

"Now class," Ms. Levine said, tucking a lock of straight brown hair behind her ear, "please open your science boo-" She was interrupted by the "Attention, the principal has a very important announcement to make" that blared over the PA system, slightly garbled by bad reception. Everyone in the room looked at the speaker attached to the wall over the black board.

"All students, I am saddened to tell you that today is Sylvia Cross', last day here, due to her moving away. Best wishes to her and her family!" Ms. Steinback chirped, and then the speaker went silent.

Sylvia, cheeks growing red from embarrassment, lowered her forehead to touch the hard, cold, wooden desk. She could feel about thirty pairs of eyes staring at her.

'Why me?', she thought.

'Why me?'


~~~


This is just the prolouge. I'll start on Chapter one too.

Interesting....but good. I had just a little bit of trouble following who was telling the story, though. Like what you put in the introduction, setting the ground for the next chapters, (hope you do continue with this).

Foreseer wrote:Interesting....but good. I had just a little bit of trouble following who was telling the story, though. Like what you put in the introduction, setting the ground for the next chapters, (hope you do continue with this).

Who's telling the story is the Narrator, a charachter who doesn't play a role in the story but was on the sidelines furiously scribbling down notes so she could one day put it down on paper because immediatley she noticed that what was happening just needed to be written down and recorded for the future entertainment of herself and others.

I'm not very good with humor am I......... v.v

Thank you for replying!

Pretty good, gigi! The only problem was that you had a few grammar flaws here and there, but great start!

mashnipfaeri wrote:Pretty good, gigi! The only problem was that you had a few grammar flaws here and there, but great start!

Thanks!

Could you point out the mistakes for me?

And I need a good hook......

gigirl942 wrote:

mashnipfaeri wrote:Pretty good, gigi! The only problem was that you had a few grammar flaws here and there, but great start!

Thanks!

Could you point out the mistakes for me?

And I need a good hook......

Hhhmmm...let's see.

Overall, your sentence structure is good, however, it's pretty simple. Also, it's a good idea to broaden your vocab a bit. Other than that, it's great!

I'm not sure if I see how this is romantic fiction...

Karma wrote:I'm not sure if I see how this is romantic fiction...

It's a multi chapter. You'll get it when I post the first chapter. This is just the prolouge.

Hey, Gigi!

Welcome to YWS- I haven't seen you around before. Hope you like it, though. It's very strange, but the people are friendly.

Well, let's get to your critique, shall we?

YOUR INTRO: I read in one of your responses to...responses that you thought you needed to improve your hook. I agree with you, because I didn't catch the whole 'jotting down notes' thing until the middle of the story. It's a cool idea, so you really need to show that off.

How to do that, though? When you're focusing at a person and not an event at the beginning of a story, it's best to catch them in their most personal moment- and I don't mean on the toilet. I mean something that's really going to sum up their existence- in five words or less!

...just kidding. But you really do need to display who your characters/narrators are, right at the beginning.

Example?

Upton’s fingernails were uneven.

He noticed this as he set them down on this thighs, on the very spot he had designated to be the spot he’d put them when he was nervous and needed something to focus on- something much less distressing than the chipped edge of his left index finger.

Okay, so, this is a pretty extreme character, but it's a good example because it sums up all of his quirks in the first few sentences and establishes who he is on the surface for the reader, so they can really get to know and connect with him in the story.

This is good, especially with a mysterious character like Sylvia or the narrator. You want the reader to get a basic idea of them at the beginning, so that they have something to hang on to- and gradually reveal all of their dirty little secrets.

I thought you had a really good potential hook, but you hid it in the middle of the story.

Like everyone who ever lived, Sylvia had a story to tell, but I, the Narrator a.k.a the person who was on the sidelines taking notes in all this, will not go into detail about what was going on in her life. She's not as important as you, the reader, may think. Surprised? I'm sure you are.

This is probably a really good intro. It doesn't go as far in depth into character as the example does, but it does establish two characters at once- Mysterious Sylvia and her stalker.

(Besides, "Like everyone who ever lived..." is probably the yummiest first line ever. I want your skills, honestly.)

CHEERLEADERS ARE EATING ME ALIVE AND OTHER SYMPTOMS OF THE WOE-IS-ME COMPLEX:

Teen angst sells really well- books that deal with the scourge of Popularity and cute boys that don't acknowledge your existence fill the shelves.

If you're going for money and not art, don't read on. But if you want a novel that's unique and fun to read, please do.

She had a huge number of friends, and all of them were her friends for one reason and one reason only(except for Lina Montez, who would be friends with Sylvia no matter what). Actually, they weren't really her friends at all. They were just waiting for her to move so they could get their slimy hands on what was hers and compete for it to see who gets it.

This is Lizzie McGuire-esque popularity. In order to sort it out and make it memorable for your readers, think of your relation to your very own school's social hierarchy (or maybe you're one of them. In that case it's easy).

Do they ignore you? Do you fawn over them? Are they really brainless but seem to entice all boys within a fifteen-mile radius? Or are you like me- do they think that if they push a button somewhere on your person a joke comes out?

Make sure you're presenting them as real people and not as drones, as boring and predictable as they may be.

Also, don't focus on "I'm sooooo embarrassed!" at the beginning of your chapter. For anyone who's read anything with more literary merit than "The Clique", it's going to make them put your book down immediately. It's too early in the story for us to really care about Sylvia- and, wait- didn't she have a bunch of friends? Why isn't she crying, or running, or even reacting at all?

Save the pity party for later on, when it'll really make us bawl.

____

Good stuff, Gigi! Feel free to PM me if you've got any questions, or just to tell me if you've posted more. You've got the coolest style- it's very professional, but very personal as well. I've never seen anything like it before (but that's a good thing!).