Young Writers Society

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i liked it. I know that doesnt mean much because im still learning the wise ways of the comments, but I think its good.

Oh my, okay. I hope you're going to continue this, and maybe give some background info because I'm sorta confused about some things. Anyway, keep up the good work!

It's good. I think you should continue it. Could you write a presequel to it? because some thing confuse me, like how long they have know each other and were they friends?

Nice idea, perhaps a little too much ambiguty but that certainly adds interest!
I think at times you fell into the trap of being too obvious, for example:

That made him angry. She was feeling that feeling again where she wanted to run away. What was he going to do to let her stay?

Your dialogue could also use some work, and I think you need a bit more substance...not necessarily plot but maybe a bit more character development.
Anyway, I liked it overall.

The beginning is a bit confusing; it's very difficult to get into the emotions, because I'm wasting too much attention in trying to figure out what's going on.

Also, the sex scene is very short, with little buildup. From what he said to her, I was expecting a longer, more intimate session, not the two-minute special

It seems like you're a bit embarassed about writing the actual sex in. There's a lot of distance in the way you described things - accurate, perhaps, from her point of view as a "professional," but since the story is from the perspective of the male character, and he seems to desire a closer, more emotional coupling, you need more description. From the way you presented his desire, I would expect him to be reveling in each sensation, rather than glossing over everything so quickly.

Don't be embarassed about the sex; if you're going to write a scene like this, be comfortable with it before you do, otherwise there's too much distance and it doesn't really feel as though anything important is happening.

I enjoyed it. You should write more.

I agree with extrastapled, and if you want to get "serious" about this sort of genre, then don't be ashamed of the sex scene.

And besides building up too fast, I think you cut it off too short, too.

Roughly, she bit at his neck and that was when he lost all sense of control. Rolling her upon her back, he slowly slid inside her and he basked in the glory of being able to feel and especially with her. As he moved inside her,

Notice the highlighted parts I made up.

It sounds awkward to me, ya' know? I think it's the whole sentence structure thing, where you describe the action before the actual sentence.

I don't know if you understand me on this. PM me if you don't.

Anyways, just say it straight. Don't put any "before"'s.

Keep working on it. You've got good description, and the characters are somewhat memorable.

I liked this, but I thought it was kind of confusing. I know a few people have already said this, but I think character developement, or some moer background information, would be really helpful. Other than that I really liked it!

Flashfic right? Well, make it a real story. I want to read the whole thing!

that was good i liked it hope your going to write more like this

i think it was good. and yeah, there should be more background and character information.
i can't wait to read the whole story
keep up the great work!

[Fans her face a little]

Phew, this is a little steamy. I liked it though, although I thought there wasn't really much information about the two for it to feel like an actual piece of writing. It literally was, just a sex scene and there was no build up.

But, I am interested to ask of there will be more, as I feel that this may be just the foundatons, or even a prologue, of a fantastic love affair.

Professional? You need to explain this more. It may get the point across to some, but others are just too dim to realise and will need to be informed. Also, proofread your work before you post it, as I felt as though in some places you tended to repeat words an#d this made it tedious to read.

Good work.

Steamy, very hot
Liked every minute of it.
A few mistakes but it isnt life threatening so yeah