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Rushed



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Thu Apr 26, 2007 7:02 pm
cheripop says...



Rushed


Aleesha pulled the yellow tape measure out from the bottom of her underwear drawer. The door to her room was closed and locked. Not like anyone was going to come in at six thirty in the morning. But she had to make sure. Her hands trembled as she stood in front of a mirror with the tape measure stretched out between them. Her dark brown eyes didn’t go to her face. Her mind didn’t fret about the way her morning hair stood up on her head like black vines growing towards the sun. Her focus went straight to her chest. Something was wrong. Her shirts weren’t fitting like they used to. Instead of them fitting flush against her, there was a wave. Like an undulating ocean had formed underneath, with waves that swelled with fury. And that didn’t apply just to her upper torso, but her whole body. It was a well timed, inner explosion.

She deftly placed the measuring tape around her back and over her bare chest. She found a number on the tape and read it to herself with a restless whisper.

This was Aleesha’s first day of high school. She knew she should have been nervous about being a freshman, but her jitters had been chased away by other matters. She must have remeasured herself five—no ten—dang, she couldn’t remember how many times. The measurements didn’t matter. While she was in the middle of yet another measurement, her cell phone ringed with the latest song by the Pussycat Dolls. Suddenly feeling self conscious, she snatched up her pajama shirt off the floor and pulled it over her head.

She dug through the backpack she packed last night, and pulled out her phone. She recognized the number. It was her best friend, Lacie. Aleesha answered the phone, doing her best to keep her voice from shaking.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Aleesha!” Lacie said so energetically, that Aleesha felt motion sick from listening to her. She sounded really young on the phone. Like a little girl. “What are you wearing to school today?”

“Uh…”

Aleesha glanced at the outfit she had laid out on the bed. It was a jean mini skirt and a striped blouse with a low v-neck.

“I…I don’t know yet,” she lied.

“You don’t know yet? That’s not like you--You’re always so organized. Are you feeling okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Okay. I was just making sure. Your voice sounds like you’ve been crying or something. I guess it’s the phone. Well, I called to tell you not to wear your black jeans with that Rolling Stones shirt I bought you, cause that’s what I’m wearing.”

Aleesha laughed. It was hard, though. The muscles in her jaws were so tight.

“You definitely won’t have to worry about that.”

“Great. It would be so bad if we showed up wearing the same thing, know what I mean? See you later.”

“Okay. Bye,” said Aleesha, taking a shy glance at the tape measure in her hand. She prayed that Lacie didn’t have a clue of what was going on.


II
When stepping off the bus, Aleesha couldn’t resist giving the back of her mini skirt a tug. She made sure no one was looking when she did it. Being shy about showing a little leg and skin is so immature.

So she walked on to campus with her head high. The halls were full of people talking. A group of girls in black clothes and with black nails stood in one corner. Computer nerds gathered around the drinking fountain argued about the latest gaming system. A group of guys leaned up against the wall across from the doors to the gym, some looking serious with diamond studs in their ears. Aleesha and Lacie had agreed before to meet in front of the cafeteria, and Aleesha had to pass the gym to get there. As she walked past the guys on the wall, she sensed they were staring at her. She turned her head in their direction for a brief second and smiled. A few of them smiled back.

Her eyes squinched with delight after passing them. She knew she was the type of woman guys like them—or any guy—would like. A woman with curves. In the sixth grade she had observed similar reactions. Girls that underwent the over summer miracle would come back to school with guys drooling over them.

Some students with soft drinks came out the doors of the cafeteria ahead. Not too far away from them Aleesha saw Lacie waving wildly at her. At first, Aleesha was a little self-conscious, but after seeing Lacie, she had a shot of confidence. Lacie wore exactly what she said she would. The t-shirt and the dark jeans fitted her fine, it’s just that—they could have fitted better. She ran to her friend and gave her a hug.

After letting go, Lacie gave Aleesha a second look and said, “You look so cute today.”

“Thanks. You do too.”

Sort of. Aleesha and Lacie had been friends for a long time, but she never noticed how small Lacie was. When she hugged her, Lacie felt so fragile and slight, like her bones would crack from a squeeze that was a little too hard. Lacie’s wiry body seemed remarkably boyish. She was definitely flat, and her knees stood out as the curviest parts on her body. Yet standing next to her, sort of in the background, was a guy.

“Aleesha, this is Andy. We met at the bus stop this morning.”

“Hi,” he said, waving—kind of awkwardly--at her.

Aleesha noticed the way his hazel eyes quickly traced her up and down, as if he was sketching her in his mind. She thought that it may be best if she made a little conversation.

“So Andy, what do you think of high school?”

“Nothing yet--I’ve only been here for an hour, but I don’t think I’ll like it. You’re a senior. What do you think of this school? ”

Aleesha couldn’t hide her shock. Her? A senior? Did she really look like one? She just wanted to run to the girl’s bathroom real quick so she could look in a mirror and make sure. She hoped it was true. It would be awful if he was only another freshman guy feeding a girl a line.

As much as she hated to, she had to confess.
“I’m not a senior.”

Andy did a double take. “You’re not?—Lacie, didn’t you say you have a friend here who’s a senior?”

Lacie shook her head at him and laughed. “I never said that. Aleesha's a freshman like us.”

He rubbed his hand on the back of his head, looking really embarrassed.

“I can’t believe I thought you were older.”

“It’s okay,”said Aleesha with a wide smile. She could get used to it.


***Will Aleesha find love after making her high school debut? Find out when I post part 2***
Last edited by cheripop on Wed May 09, 2007 6:49 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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Thu Apr 26, 2007 8:03 pm
Wiggy says...



Good so far! Seems a little unrealistic, and there's not a big BANG of plot, but I like it! Post more!
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Thu Apr 26, 2007 8:31 pm
rodent says...



yOU'VE GOT SOMTHING , BUT THE WAY YOU MAP OUT YOUR DIOLOG IS TERRIBLE , ITS SO FAKE aND ARTIFICIAL - AND WHAT GAVE IT AWAY FOR ME WAS THE CLASSIFICATION , NERDS AND HARED BOYS AND GOTHS , I MEAN , THATS THE DESCRIPTION YOU FIND IN CHILD STORIES , BRUSH UP ON THAT AND PAY MORE ATTENTION TO REALITY .

bUT DESPITE EVERYTHING , THIS WAS GOOD GIRL - ROD
whats brown , has a head and a tail but no limbs (or organs ) - answer in numbers a=1 b=2 ect-

10 . 5.14.14.25 if you give a poo
  





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Thu Apr 26, 2007 11:59 pm
Kylan says...



Good! I've just a coupla comments.

There really is no plot. If I wanna read about being a freshman, I'll read my journal (I actually don't have one, but you get my drift :lol: ). If you want to write a coming of age teen novel, start out with something more gripping than a day- in- the- life.

Also, It seems a little cliche and surreal. Is it a dream??

Great description. Great style. My advice though, overhall your first chapter or step up the uniqueness/action. There are too many bland coming of age novels around. Be different!!!

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

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Fri Apr 27, 2007 8:55 am
Liz says...



I agree it's quite bland; something I've heard many a time before. I think the dialogue sounds a bit too contrived...maybe liven it up a bit. Your characters also need work, at the moment I feel as though theyre cardboard cut-outs, aching for some quirks and traits that don't fit into highschool cliques.
Your pace is nice, you've got about the right amount of description, but you do need a bit of plot. However I know this is just the beginning...I'll be looking out for more!
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Fri Apr 27, 2007 11:08 am
miyaviloves says...



Hmm its ok.

five—no ten—dang,

i know this her thought track but the dang just didn't sound right here.

i think I have to agree with the others about there not really being much of a plot yet, but maybe you will reveal more later on. But it is imporant to engage your reader straight away or they will get bored.

Like Liz said this is just the beginning and i also will look out for more, to seeyou how pace this out and what it turns into :)

Meevs
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Mon Apr 30, 2007 2:39 pm
cheripop says...



Just a note: This story is going to toggle between the real and unreal. It's because each chapter is like a snap shot. It's a quick first impression. A photo. Writing a story that's like an impressionist painting isn't going to turn out all that realistic. That's why I described the high school scene with cliches instead of with something different. Personally, I hate cliches, but I just wanted something quick that simply sets the scene. This is important because the passage of time is going to be really fast. It's rushed.
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Fri May 04, 2007 1:45 pm
cheripop says...



***A million thank-yous for telling me about the dialog. I redid it, fixed the really bad spots, and the revised version is posted. As for the clichés, I’m keeping them because the main character is a very unoriginal girl with unrealistic expectations, and I wanted the narration to reflect that a little. So that’s what’s going on. Here’s the next part:


III

Andy turned out to be Aleesha’s first high school boyfriend. After him she went out with Dwayne, and then Jeremy. Following a nasty email break up with Jeremy came Robbie, and after him there was a Ryan. Usually Aleesha thought a lot about her boyfriends, but she still made room to think about Lacie, who was angry with her—most of the time.

Like, there was one weekend when they planned to see a movie together, but John, her boyfriend at that moment, wanted to go mini-golfing. Aleesha called up Lacie and invited her to come along with them, but all she got was the sound of the phone hitting the receiver. Then on Monday, Lacie comes to school all mad and stuff, yelling at Aleesha for blowing her off. It wasn’t as if she didn’t invite Lacie to come with her and her momentary flame. She wasn’t forgotten. However, in two years of high school, Lacie hasn’t had one boyfriend.

Aleesha couldn’t wrap her mind around why. Lacie had plenty of guy friends and was very outgoing. Her personality should make up for what she lacked. And if she had a boyfriend, they could double date and have more fun together. They could be close friends again, like they used to be.

Besides, if Lacie needed advice for finding a date, Aleesha was the person to go to. She had subscriptions to all the fashion magazines, and she knew the top ten qualities guys like in a girl, the top ten shoes guys like to see girls wear, the top five things guys like to hear girls say, and the three habits girls must avoid so they would be liked by more guys—by heart. Add to that, every week when she went grocery shopping for her mom, she would read all the latest tips in Cosmo. It all seemed so simple.

Aleesha decided that a good time to find Lacie was during lunch, although where Lacie ate at was sporadic. Once and awhile she would eat outside with the National Honor’s Society and help plan the next carwash, but then she was in the drama room with members of the Thespian Club just as often. Lacie wasn’t into drama, but she always painted the stage backgrounds for the school’s annual play. Somewhere between those she had lunch with the school newspaper staff to discuss new stories to cover, leaving not much time for Aleesha and Tommy—the latest boyfriend. So Aleesha managed to snag Lacie before she could find a seat. They met in the lunch line.

The line snaked all the way back to the cafeteria doors. Aleesha was fortunate enough to be at the front, so she picked up her lunch in no time. On the way back to her seat, she spotted out Lacie. She was the second to last in line, and for some reason, Aleesha knew she would be back there. While she waited, her slender hand tightly clutched the strap of her pink “Breast Cancer Awareness” bag as she made a few bubbles out of the gum she was chewing. Lacie always chewed gum when she was stressed. Lunch would be over by the time she even got sight of a lunch lady.

Aleesha went up to her like they’ve been talking for the last four months and said, “Lacie, I have to ask you something.”

Lacie stared at her like she was some weird girl she’d never seen before. “What?”

“I was wondering if…you ever wish you had someone else in your life.”

“Someone else?” Lacie’s dark eyes narrowed in confusion. “Like what?”

“You know, someone else. Like I have Tommy…”

“Oh. A boyfriend.”

Aleesha was relieved that she didn’t have to say it herself.

“Doesn’t everyone?”

“That’s what I know,” said Aleesha, attempting to put on the charm, but only being able to show a mediocre smile. “So what do think if I help you out? You know, to find that someone?”

“What? You think I can’t find a guy myself or something?”

“No, that’s not what I meant!”

“Then say what you want. Stop playing around.”

Aleesha took in a nervous breath, wondering why she was so scared.

“Okay, alright. I only thought that like, you and me could be better friends, if we did more things together. And I think you feel left out because you don’t have a boyfriend, and maybe things would be better if--you did.”

“I’ve told you before; I don’t need your help. Have you ever thought that unlike you, there are some girls who don’t even want a boyfriend? Get this—I don’t want a boyfriend right now. Don’t need one.”

No. She didn’t understand. “Can’t you see what this is doing to you? You seem so—miserable. And it’ll get worse if you don’t let me help you.”

“Aleesha, I…”

“Do you remember when Mark and I broke up, and how I was all depressed?”

“I wish I could forget,” said Lacie, tapping her foot impatiently.

“I felt worthless, but then Tommy came, and no one has ever made me feel so confident. Having a relationship can do the same for you.”

Lacie shook her head, not going for any of it. “If this is about you and me being friends, it should be between you and me. Not you and me and some guy you want me with. If you really want to help me--stop trying.”

Maybe talking in the lunch line wasn’t such a great idea. Everyone sitting at the tables nearby was hurting their ears from trying to listen in. Aleesha decided to swallow what she was going to say next. Instead, she backed off.

Later that day, Aleesha broke up with Tommy. Lacie had nothing to do with it. After fourth period she caught him making out with another girl in the biography section of the school library. Aleesha felt as if that girl had stomped all over her with the seductive black high heels she wore.

After school, Aleesha was at home in her room putting whiteout over his name, which she had written all over her binders. She’s done this many times before, but every time it hurt just as bad. All she wanted was some emotional security. Before she thought Tommy was it; the boy she could depend on. Now she couldn’t shake the ugly picture of his lips smushed against those of another girl, tinted plum purple from the lip gloss.

The whiteout wasn’t working too great. She had written his name on a spot where she had put whiteout before, and it was beginning to flake. Frustrated, she put away the whiteout, gathered up all her binders, and threw them in the kitchen trashcan. New binders aren’t that expensive anyways. Right then, the parade of boyfriends ended.

***Aleesha may have caught her boyfriend cheating, but the love of her life is still on the horizon. Who is it? Find out when I post part 4. ***
cheripoprocks at www.freewebs.com/popwriter
And check out Omnigirl, my new e-book series. Download it free at www.lulu.com/content/807907
  








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