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Sun May 27, 2007 6:11 am
Daenesh says...



CHAPTER 1 - PORT CHARLOTTE


“ALL ABOARD!” the captain shouted. It was a normal afternoon for John Carter, he was about to go on another voyage across the sea. John was the head of the crew, the boss you would say, an ordinary hardworking guy who was real smooth with the ladies. John was tall, had a body that screamed Mr. Universe and a sexual appeal no one could match. Unfortunately, his looks weren’t going to match the atmosphere onboard the vessel. The wind blew hard; people were talking, laughing, children running across the deck, and even the occasional love-birds kissing. This felt like an ordinary day for John who had been on many voyages across the blue sea. As the cruiser Don Alberto carrying 998 passengers began its departure from Port Charlotte to the cold waters of Siberia, John began his duties just like everyone else, not knowing the future that holds. This was going to be a 30 day journey and John was to make sure there would be no slip ups. He was in charge of making sure everything down on the lowest deck of the ship, which was the ship’s boiler room, was running smoothly. The ship was powered by steam and had 22 boilers, 3 engines, 3 propellers, and 7 decks. John was very familiar with this type of vessels as he has been working here ever since he was a young man.


Mr. and Mrs. Carter had passed away a long time ago when John was only 12 years old. John’s uncle Mr. Adam Smith was given the responsibilities to take care and nurture him till he was old enough to live on his own. Sadly, he was killed in a tragic train accident and John was left clueless as to why everyone was leaving him. As neither John’s parents nor uncle were wealthy John was only 15 when he was forced to work. He needed cash to survive and got a job at the dockyard. He would work 8 to 10 hours a day just to have enough money to pay his rent and food. Nevertheless, he worked his ass of every single day. After working at such a place for many years, he often saw cruise ships and many other ships dock at his beloved Port Charlotte. From then onwards, John was determined to become a sailor or a crew member. He worked hard every single day and finally the captain of the infamous Don Alberto Cruiser, Mr. Henry, offered John a job as a deck hand. He has been working on the same ship where he is now head of the ship’s large crew ever since.


When John wasn’t working, he would lie on the highest deck of the ship and gaze towards the sky or even take a short nap. Since it was the 1920s, there weren’t much entertainment on the cruiser. So John often looked at people onboard the ship. He watched their movements and actions just like a predator watching upon his prey. He was hoping he would catch a glimpse of some funny moments like when this small boy ran into the glass door. John had a needle-sharp eye for the ladies onboard. On every voyage he would meet a gorgeous lady who really liked him. Unfortunately, this time he was just about out of luck. He hadn’t met anyone worthwhile. Then his fortunes changed for the good, as he thought he was dreaming. She was the most beautiful girl in the world. Her body, her smile, her free-flow hair, and even her style of walking were eye catching. She looked like she was an angel. She took his breath away and he knew she was the one he was going to spend the rest of his life with. John was stunned by her beauty as she walked towards him. He quickly brushed his hair back with his long fingers and waited anxiously.


“Hello mister, can you show me to my room? I’m lost on this big ship.” She said. John was still stunned; from her accent he knew she was a British. He kept staring at her but he hears nothing. Then she repeated herself, “Excuse me sir, but can you help me get to my room, please?” Suddenly John snapped back into reality and calmly said “Yes madam, sure.” He carried her bags to her room and showed her around. This was the first time she was onboard such a vessel. John was very anxious to get to know this lovely girl who always smelled like roses. So after he showed her around the ship, he walked her back to her cabin. He desperately wanted to know her name and why she always smelt so good but he was going to take things one at a time. So he said in a shyly manner, “I’m John Carter, may I know your name?” She gave John a sweet smile and said “I’m not sure if I can tell you that.” John felt a heavy burden crushing his heart. He had never felt this way in his entire life. Maybe it was love, maybe it was the feeling of getting turned down, or maybe it was just a sense of intuition. He was puzzled but at the same time he felt a sense of mystery towards the girl he had eyed.


He left her room and later that night put his best coat on for the annual dance and buffet. He looked like a handsome prince. As he made his way towards the hall, his eyes were instantly caught by the most beautiful thing he would ever have seen. It was the girl he had met earlier. Her dress flowed down her slender body and her smooth hands slowly graze the woody railings. She was making her way to the hall from the second floor. John had melted whilst seeing her beauty. He knew it was time to impress her.


CHAPTER 2 – THE BALL

“Would you like to dance with me?” the girl asked. “I don’t know anyone else here and I thought since I knew you…please?” the girl explained. John’s heart wanted very much to say yes but his mind wanted to know her name. So he told her, “If you give me your name, I’ll most certainly be delighted to dance with you.” She took a sip of vine and said “I’m Daphne Juliana Ramon.” John was a bit shocked as to why a British girl would have such a name. “You’re English right?” John eagerly asked. “Well my mums British but my dads Italian, he left us when I was only 10.” John suddenly felt some sort of connection; he too lost his parents at a tender age. “Well I too had lost my parents when I was 12, so we do have something in common.” John replied. “Yes I guess we do, by the way, you can call me Julie. It’s what my friends always call me.” John suddenly felt as though he had become her friend. He wanted to get to know her better but he insisted they had their dance first. As they danced the Waltz, John and Julie talked as though they’ve know each other for ages. They drank French vine and had a slurp of the vessels famous Scottish whisky. The night soon grew old and Julie requested that they call it a day. She was tired and slightly drunk. “Let me do you a favor and escort you madam to your room” John was still as steady as he was before the ball.


Soon they reached Julie’s room. He dropped her off and said he’s goodbyes as he too was exhausted and needed some rest. Suddenly as John was walking towards the beautifully lavished stairs, someone hugged him from the back. It was Julie. “I’m too scared to sleep alone in this big ship, maybe if it’s not too much trouble…” Julie hesitated. “Maybe you could sleep with me just for one night, please?” John was shocked at such an abnormal request. This would go against every crew members rule and he could get fired. Plus it was the cheesiest way to ask for sex right, he thought to himself. “Alright, I’ll sleep with you. But with one condition.” By this time John had put on a serious face. “What is it?” Julie asked. “We aren’t going to have sex.” Hearing this Julie was startled. She just couldn’t understand why he would say such a thing. After all guys only want sex, maybe this guy’s a bit different she thought. “Why do you look baffled?” John asked. “Well it’s because I’ve rarely seen guys who predict their future before even coming across it.” John immediately replied with urgency “Why would we want to go through all this complications? First having sex then falling in love soon marriage, and finally living happily ever after, all this isn’t much fun right?” Julie was so impressed with John’s strong moral values. John knew how to get a girl to like him. He often used reverse psychology to impress girls. Soon they dosed of to bed with a feeling of relief that their small altercation was settled with such ease.


"Wake up! Wake up! John the captains coming here! You got to get up now!” shouted Eddie. Eddie was John’s childhood friend and worked as the captain’s assistant. He was a humble man who always looked after John. After all he is 10 years older than John. John was shocked by the rude awakening. “What’s wrong Eddie? Why are you shouting?” John questioned. “Do you know who you’re sleeping with?” Eddie replied. “Well I’m sleeping with this girl I met yesterday, she’s pretty scared to sleep alone because this is her first time onboard such a vessel, I’m just helping her out!” John explained with a smile. “Oh my god, please tell me you didn’t have sex with her, she’s 4 years younger than you!” Eddie yelled with an expression that could match an angry gorilla. It became clear to John that he had done something really wrong and quickly took steps to rectify it. “Of course not my dear friend, you know me well enough and I wouldn’t have done such a thing!” Hearing this Eddie let out a sigh of relief and quickly said “John, she is the captain’s daughter. If you don’t believe me then ask her yourself.” John knew the captain since he was small but he never knew the captain had a daughter. He was shell-shocked at this discovery.


With urgency John turned towards Julie and questioned her “Is this true Julie, are you really the captain’s daughter?” Julie’s face immediately turned red with embarrassment. She didn’t know what to say. She was confused. Telling John a lie would only make things worse and telling him the truth would only push him apart. She was stuck but knew she had to tell him the truth. “Yes John, I am the captain’s daughter. I didn’t tell you because I really liked you and I didn’t want us to be apart.” Julie explained herself as John looked in amusement. He was just lied at by the captain’s daughter. He felt as stupid as to why he never asked her who she was. He felt cheated yet maintain calmness and tried his level best not to over exaggerate. He was really upset but was happy that Julie liked him. So he quickly got dressed and headed out of the room as soon as possible. Later on, he saw My Henry entering his daughter’s room. He knew this was the beginning of something really foul.

CHAPTER 3 – A LETTER

“Come on John, it was a mistake. How would you have known she was the captain’s daughter?” Eddie consoled. “I don’t know Eddie. Everything seems so dead. I’ve been with her for only a day and yet it feels like ages. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and I can’t even concentrate on my job! What’s wrong with me Eddie?” John’s face was full of questions just eagerly waiting for some answers. “Ha-ha! My boy, the answer is simple. You’re in love!!” Eddie let out a huge smile. He’s face spelt happiness but the same couldn’t be said about John. He was a mess. “How can I be in love with someone I’ve only met for a day? Its absurd Eddie, Absurd!” John barked. Just as Eddie was about to explain to John, a letter arrived for John. It was from Julie.


Dear John,

How are you? I hope you’re fine. This may seem really funny to you since we’re on the same ship but I don’t think I could have met you. My father is beginning to notice something and I’m not quite sure what it is. I’m scared for you. You’ve worked so hard and because of me you could have lost your job. I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have asked you to sleep with me. Anyway, I want you to meet me at the boiler room. I’ll be waiting for you John; I have something important to tell you. See you there. Bye.

Julie


John read the letter out loud so that Eddie could hear it too. He was excited at the prospect that he could finally meet Julie after this morning’s incident. Eddie gave John a huge smile. He realized how sincere this girl was and knew she was the one. So he offered to do John’s duties as he was off meeting the girl of his dreams. Soon he reached the boiler room. Normal people weren’t allowed in the boiler room but since John was the head down there, everything was going smooth. He soon saw a girl wearing a bright red dress. She looked the rose amongst the thorns. “Julie…I came as soon as I got your letter, is everything ok?” John asked. He wasn’t sure what to expect out of Julie. “Hi John, I’m ok, thanks for seeing me down here. It’s the only place my dad wouldn’t be at. I’ve got something important to tell you.” Julie let out a smile then bit her lips gently as if she wanted a kiss. John immediately replied “I’m all ears.” “I think I’m in love with you.” She explained. John was utterly impassive. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be happy or sad. “Don’t you think this is a bit immature? How can you be in love with someone you’ve just met? Doesn’t it feel awkward?” He bombarded her with questions. Questions she just couldn’t answer. “I thought you understood me John. I thought you were different. Now I see you’re just the same like every other guy!” Julie started to weep as she fled their meeting place. John felt bad as to what he had just said.


He didn’t mean to hurt her feelings but he had no other choice. Even though he had feelings for her, he simply couldn’t let himself get into any trouble with the captain. “He has done so much for me and now all I’ve done to repay him is to make his daughter fall in love with me. I’m such a fool.” John murmured to himself. He felt so lost and usually when he felt lost he would talk to the one person who understood him. He was the one who secretly cooked food for John when he was small. As he worked on Port Charlotte, he hardly ate as he didn’t have much money. So Mr. Roberto the ship’s master chef would often sneak food out for John. He was a very caring person and realized John’s hard work. He was the one who recommended John to Mr. Henry. John had the utter most respect for Mr. Roberto, not only was he’s food delicious; he was a good man too. John always called him Robert. It had become customary to John over the years.
Before long John was in the kitchen. He instantly spotted Robert who was having a smoke. Robert was a hard-core reggae fan so he wore a beard and dark brown dreadlock styled hair. He was thin, had ear piercing, and his attire reminded everyone what a big fan he was. “Robert, I’m a having a problem and I need your help” John begged. “Ah John, What a pleasant surprise, how are you, my son? Robert smiled. You could see he was delighted to see John. “I’m good Robert....I’m just good.” “So what is that problem you wanted to discuss with me?” Robert asked. “I think I’m in love with Mr. Henry’s daughter and she just expressed her feelings too just before I came here. I don’t know what to do.” John’s face lit up with worries. “You mean Juliana? How did this happen? You’ve only met each other for merely days. Don’t you think this is a bit absurd?” Robert had put on a serious eye catching face. He wanted John to know how serious the problem was. Everyone knew how strict Mr. Henry was. “Yes Juliana, It happened so fast. One day we were saying hello and the next day she was saying she loves me. I’m so confused and I don’t know what to do. Can you help me?” John asked with sincerity. “Well of course you idiot, since when did you have to ask, you know I’ll always help you no matter what.” Robert’s words immediately consoled John’s disturbed heart. He felt much better now.


“Just let everything be as normal as it is. Don’t treat her anymore special or any worse. Make her feel like your nothing special. This plan will definitely make her forget you. After all there’s only 28 days left till we reach Siberia.” Robert’s advice immediately entered John’s head. He now knew what he would do. “Thanks Robert, you’re a true friend!” John thanked him. Now he was off to his room with a big smile on his face.
:D
Last edited by Daenesh on Mon May 28, 2007 9:22 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Mon May 28, 2007 5:25 am
JC says...



Oh god. That's a huge block of text....seriously. Double space between paragraphs, and I'll come back and read it.

-JC
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett
  





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Mon May 28, 2007 10:45 pm
sokool15 says...



What you need to do here is simple, but time-consuming enough that I'm not going to do it for you. From the little that I read, it looks like a good beginning, but you're going to get a lot more comments, and a lot more people reading it, if you space your conversations correctly.

Each of your conversations is just like a paragraph, whereas the correct way is to start a new paragraph for each new person who speaks. Here's an example for you:

"Hello mister, can you show me to my room? I'm lost on this big ship." She said.

John was still stunned; from her accent he knew she was a British. He kept staring at her but he hears (heard?) nothing.

Then she repeated herself, "Excuse me sir, but can you help me get to my room, please?"

Suddenly John snapped back into reality and calmly said "Yes madam, sure."

He carried her bags to her room and showed her around. This was the first time she was onboard such a vessel. John was very anxious to get to know this lovely girl who always smelled like roses. So after he showed her around the ship, he walked her back to her cabin. He desperately wanted to know her name and why she always smelt so good but he was going to take things one at a time.

So he said in a shyly manner, "I'm John Carter, may I know your name?"

She gave John a sweet smile and said "I'm not sure if I can tell you that."


That's a part of your story with the proper spacing. It would be easier to read! If you decide to do this spacing, pm me and I'll come back and go over your story for details. It seems sweet so far.

Yours always, 8)
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
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Wed May 30, 2007 11:41 pm
Night Mistress says...



You need to space it out a bit. that's the only problem i see.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

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Sun Sep 30, 2007 3:01 am
Swirl Antara says...



(((I agree with the others, some more spacing would make it easier to read. My edits are in italics. and triple brackets)))
CHAPTER 1 - PORT CHARLOTTE


“ALL ABOARD!” the captain shouted. It was a normal afternoon for John Carter, he was about to go on another voyage across the sea. John was the head of the crew, the boss you would say, an ordinary hardworking guy who was real smooth with the ladies. John was tall, had a body that screamed Mr. Universe and a sexual appeal no one could match. Unfortunately, his looks weren’t going to match the atmosphere onboard the vessel. The wind blew hard; people were talking, laughing, children running across the deck, and even the occasional love-birds kissing. This felt like an ordinary day for John who had been on many voyages across the blue sea. As the cruiser Don Alberto carrying 998 passengers began its departure from Port Charlotte to the cold waters of Siberia, John began his duties just like everyone else, not knowing the future that holds. This was going to be a 30 day journey and John was to make sure there would be no slip ups. He was in charge of making sure everything down on the lowest deck of the ship, which was the ship’s boiler room, was running smoothly. The ship was powered by steam and had 22 boilers, 3 engines, 3 propellers, and 7 decks. John was very familiar with this type of vessels as he has been working here ever since he was a young man.


Mr. and Mrs. Carter had passed away a long time ago when John was only 12 years old. John’s uncle Mr. Adam Smith was given the responsibilities to take care and nurture him till he was old enough to live on his own. Sadly, he was killed in a tragic train accident and John was left clueless as to why everyone was leaving him. As neither John’s parents nor uncle were wealthy John was only 15 when he was forced to work. He needed cash to survive and got a job at the dockyard. He would work 8 to 10 hours a day just to have enough money to pay his rent and food. Nevertheless, he worked his ass((( somewhat crude (in my opinion))) of every single day. After working at such a place for many years, he often saw cruise ships and many other ships dock at his beloved Port Charlotte. From then onwards, John was determined to become a sailor or a crew member. He worked hard every single day and finally the captain of the infamous Don Alberto Cruiser, Mr. Henry(((why is he infamous? maybe you should explain some of his history here.))), offered John a job as a deck hand. He has been working on the same ship (((the word 'and' might work better than 'where' in this sentence. I thinks it's a somewhat awkward sentence otherwise)))where he is now head of the ship’s large crew ever since.


... He watched their movements and actions just like a predator watching upon his prey. He was hoping he would catch a glimpse of some funny moments like when (((a(same as with 'where' I think that the sentence would work better with and 'a' there))) small boy ran into the glass door. John had a needle-sharp eye for the ladies onboard. On every voyage he would meet a gorgeous lady who really liked him. Unfortunately, this time he was just about out of luck. He hadn’t met anyone worthwhile(((yet.(by not adding yet, you are making it definate that he will not meet a beautiful woman on this trip)))) Then his fortunes changed for the ((better, and)) he thought he was dreaming. She was the most beautiful girl in the world. Her body, her smile, her free-flow hair, and even her style of walking (((was(you changed tense))))eye catching. She looked like she was an angel. She took his breath away and he knew she was the one he was going to spend the rest of his life with. John was stunned by her beauty as she walked towards him. He quickly brushed his hair back with his long fingers and waited anxiously(((....for what?)))


“Hello mister, can you show me to my room? I’m lost on this big ship.” She said. John was still stunned; from her accent he knew she was ((('a' is not nedded here, unless you want to say that she is 'a Brit')))(((you could also comment earlier on about her father's accent as some foreshadowing. Just a thought))) British. He kept staring at her but he (((heard nothing that she said))). Then she repeated herself, “Excuse me sir, but can you help me get to my room, please?” Suddenly John snapped back into reality and calmly said “Yes madam, sure.” He carried her bags to her room and showed her around. This was the first time she (((had ever been))) onboard such a vessel. John was very anxious to get to know this lovely girl who always smelled like roses(((how does he know that she always smells like roses, he's only met her once.))). So after he showed her around the ship, he walked her back to her cabin. He desperately wanted to know her name and why she always (((smelled (smelt isn't a word, or if it is, it's a very weird one. also you said again that she "Always smells so good" remember, he's just met her)))) so good but he was going to take things one at a time. ... He was puzzled but at the same time he felt a sense of mystery towards the girl he had (((eyed(met might work better here)))).


... John (((had(that word is not needed here)))) melted whilst seeing her beauty. He knew it was time to impress her.


CHAPTER 2 – THE BALL

“Would you like to dance with me?” the girl asked. “I don’t know anyone else here and I thought ((that))since I knew you…please?” the girl explained. John’s heart wanted very much to say yes but his mind wanted to know her name. ... John suddenly felt some sort of connection; he too lost his parents at a tender age. “Well I too had lost my parents when I was 12, so we do have something in common.” (((not really...her father left whilst his died. it's a little different)))...

... John was shocked at such an abnormal request. This would go against every crew members rule and he could get fired.(((I was under the impression that he had many female compainions on the journies.
.
On every voyage he would meet a gorgeous lady who really liked him.
I may be mistaken, but was under the impression that he got quite close to these women. Maybe you clould clarify that)))
...

..."Wake up! Wake up! John, the captains coming here! (((You've))) got to get up now!” shouted Eddie.
Eddie was John’s childhood friend and worked as the captain’s assistant. He was a humble man who always looked after John. After all he is 10 years older than John.
(((it would be weird to have a childhood friend a decade older than you. do you mean that he's known Eddie since he was a child?)))

... Later on, he saw (((Mr.Henry ?? It said My Henry before)))entering his daughter’s room. He knew this was the beginning of something really foul.

...He’s face (((spelt, it's the same as smelt. spelled would probably work better there))) happiness but the same couldn’t be said about John. He was a mess. “How can I be in love with someone I’ve only met for a day? Its absurd Eddie, Absurd!” John barked. Just as Eddie was about to explain to John, a letter arrived for John. It was from Julie.


Dear John,

How are you? I hope you’re fine. This may seem really funny to you since we’re on the same ship but I don’t think I could have met you. My father is beginning to notice something and I’m not quite sure what it is. I’m scared for you. You’ve worked so hard and because of me you could have lost your job. I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have asked you to sleep with me. Anyway, I want you to meet me at the boiler room. I’ll be waiting for you John; I have something important to tell you. See you there. Bye.

Julie


..... He wasn’t sure what to expect out of Julie. “Hi John, I’m ok, thanks for seeing me down here. It’s the only place my dad wouldn’t be at. I’ve got something important to tell you.” Julie let out a smile then bit her lips gently as if she wanted a kiss. John immediately replied “I’m all ears.” “I think I’m in love with you.” She explained. John was utterly impassive. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be happy or sad. “Don’t you think this is a bit immature? How can you be in love with someone you’ve just met? Doesn’t it feel awkward?” He bombarded her with questions. Questions she just couldn’t answer. “I thought you understood me John. I thought you were different. Now I see you’re just the same like every other guy!” Julie started to weep as she fled their meeting place. John felt bad as to what he had just said. (((that seemed a bit harsh to me. He loves this girl, but yells at her when she tells him that she feels the same way? I don't think that you should change this part, but maybe explain more about how John is feeling so that we know why he acted like that.)))


...... He instantly spotted Robert who was having a smoke. Robert was a hard-core reggae fan Thi(((s is in the 1920's right? I'm not sure that there are many Hard-core Reggae fans in those days)))
..... John’s face ((("lit up" sounds very happy and positive. a better term might be "clouded with worries"))) with worries......ect.


(((I definately enjoy your story and would like to read more when it comes out. I may have been a bit attentive to detail, but remember that this is just how I feel it should be changed.
Also, reading would be much easier if there was more space between chapters ect. as well as conversations. Make each separate person's words a different line so that they don't all blur together.
Message me with questions ect. please! Thanks)))
Just never ever forget to live ok? Never ever forget to be happy when things maybe aren't the greatest. Yeah, that's right- because every moment is making you who you will be and is really worth it in the end. So just....live.
  





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Mon Oct 01, 2007 3:01 am
lyrical_sunshine says...



i don't like him. or her.

sorry. you're story's decent i guess, i just don't like your characters lol. i really shouldn't read romances. they frustrate me. too many perfect people...
“We’re still here,” he says, his voice cold, his hands shaking. “We know how to be invisible, how to play dead. But at the end of the day, we are still here.” ~Dax

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Mon Oct 01, 2007 7:59 pm
Wesley says...



I won't go through the grammatical errors I will give that to some one else but be realistic . He has hasd a bunch of girlfriends he sees this girl falls in love and is pretty much a horny bachelor .....but he won't have sex no a bad thing but doesn't fit his character and her being suprised doesn't match her seductive attitude. The plot needs a little fixing to but hey try again I am sure you'll get it.
  





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Tue Oct 02, 2007 4:27 am
KingKamor says...



I read the first two paragraphs, found myself in a not-yet-hooked state, and then asked myself, "I wonder how long this is?" So I looked on down and saw the length of it. I was not pleased at the fact that you hardly spaced things correctly, but that can be easily fixed. The opening paragraph needs to be something that'll hook the reader. Readers don't want to hear that John was "having a normal afternoon," they want to hear what the hell is so noteworthy about his day that it had to be written down in a story, and soon. I would have kept reading if your main man's description didn't scream, "Gary Stu." I hate perfect people in stories. They make me want to hurt small animals.

Edit this to the enth degree, mold yourself a nice strong hook, and you've got yourself an opening chapter.

Good luck, and keep writing! =3
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Sun Oct 07, 2007 11:55 am
chayonz says...



The story is a bit off. First it does need a bit of spacing. And second, although you mentioned in your story that things were happening too fast for the characters, the whole romance thing is happening too fast. I mean, what made the boy attracted to the girl? And what made him think that this was the girl who he would spend the rest of his life with? He just saw her and he automatically thinks that this is the girl he is going to marry. And some of the things sound extremely cheesy. i'm sorry but it just does. John seems to act so clueless to what is happening. And the captains daughter's actions dont seem to really make sense.

its just me, but the way john acts is pretty annoying. You say that he's been with lots of women, but suddenly he just sees the woman he loves and then starts blurting out things he doesnt means and acts so clueless?

I really think you need to work on the pace of the story and put more of an explanation into the reasoning.

but the story plot is nice.

just keep working on it.
h a y o n :)

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Sun Oct 07, 2007 8:13 pm
GingerLizzy says...



I didn;t read this because the fact that it was all blocked up together put me off. I know this doesnt truly help, but when this is edited, I'll come back and read it; 'cause when I scanned it seemed okay.
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Mon Oct 08, 2007 1:38 am
PerforatedxHearts says...



I've never really read a short story that was sectioned off in chapters. that sounds more like a novellete or whatever to me. Try using "~" or just paragraph 2 times and start a new section.

Also, there's not anything that "sparks" the story. Kamor's right, hook us in with some sort of big bang that is relevant to the plot, or tweak your writing itself. I'm not saying for you to change your voice or anything, but change how you're writing this story, the style. Get me?

In simple words, make this story actually interesting and then I'll come back to read it.
"Video games don't affect kids. If Pacman had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills, and listening to repetitive electronic music." --anonymous/banner.
  








Once you have people's attention, you have a greater responsibility to tell them something of value.
— Tobias Forge (Ghost B.C.)