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A vampire's attempt at revenge.



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Tue Jul 31, 2007 3:42 am
Alice says...



I need a better title, due to editing I couldn't keep the first title.
___________________________________________

Death, we are all haunted by that word. We’re all haunted by its meaning.

We fear death because we’re afraid of what happens next. We’re afraid of how we die, and what happens to our loved ones. What if you could stop death? Save your life for a while longer, but to live a haunted life, always surrounded by death.

Would you do it?

I did (involuntarily), and now… I’m a vampire.

(And wasn't that one emo entrance? Sorry if you're expecting to see emo like this all the way through, you just need to wrap your head around the concept that death is all around and is easy to come by, even for a vampire. What you're about to read, isn't actually about death. Unless you count that bit towards the end. Oh now I've gotten ahead of myself, perhaps I should start at the beginningish part?)

My name is Adanya Reynolds, and I lived at 145 South Weston st. That was… until I died. I now live with my maker (a man who I absolutely despised, he took away my Ben and Jerry’s! How could I ever forgive him for that?) But I was still not allowed to leave him.

I didn’t think I ever would be allowed to.

Every night, I would wake up and he would be there, waiting for me. I knew I could probably defend myself against him should I feel threatened, but around him I felt safe. I should’ve felt terrified!

He always held me in an iron gaze, his will so much stronger than mine. I couldn’t look away, and by the time he broke the connection, I was so light headed I couldn’t focus on anything. He’d have to help me.

Although I despised him for taking away my beloved Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey, had he talked to me a little more than he did. I was certain I would like him. But never, he never said anything of himself, always of the movie we were watching or the book he was reading out loud to me.

I wanted to know more about him, desperately, he was too mysterious not to wonder.

“Damian,” I said one night in my innocent tone, “tell me more about you.”

“Now why would you want to know that, my dear?”

I shrugged, and scooted closer to him, “I’d just like to know.”

He shook his head, “you do not need to know my history a stóirín ,” he put his arm around me; “I like things the way they are.”

I reared back, “well… I don’t. If you’re going to make me spend eternity with you Damian, I want to know who you are.”

“I am Damian,” he said simply. His gaze captured mine and before I knew what had happened I was cuddled against him, listening to his wonderfully beautiful voice read another Amanda Ashley novel.

The house we lived in now was completely sun proof, so we didn’t bother to move when we felt the sun creep over the horizon. I kinda liked being pulled against him and I liked it even more when I fell asleep like that. What was wrong with me? He killed me! He was holding me hostage (sorta) and I had no clue who he really was.

That day, I dreamed. It was the first time I had dreamed since I became a vampire. But I wasn’t dreaming of me, I was pretty sure I was dreaming of Damian, and it wasn’t, and I repeat wasn’t a happy dream.

He walked down a corridor, dressed in old fashioned almost medieval clothing. He wasn’t a vampire yet, I could tell by his eyes. They didn’t hold the same mystic frightening feel. Walking along side him was a woman, who most defiantly was a vampire.

“You seek love do you not?”

“I do, why do you ask such questions?”

“Have you found love yet?”

“No, all the maidens seemed frightened by me.”

“As they should be, you should not have been born to this time.”

“What?”

She lunged, attaching herself to him and biting his neck. She drained him of blood, and gave him her own. He was now a vampire. When she stood up the cut on her wrist healed instantly.

“You are now of the undead, you shall live forever and find your love. But at a cost.”

She didn’t stick around to explain any more. She left him lying there to discover everything for himself.

When morning came the light burned through the window coverings and seared his skin. He fled to a broom closet and there he fell asleep.


I woke with violent chills seeping through every pore of my body, and I clung to Damian. He stroked my hair, that had now turned cherry red by “the change” which was a relief from the orange it had been before.

“Bad dream?”

“Sorta.”

“What did you dream about?”

“You.”

“It must’ve been terrifying then,” the sarcasm rolled off of his tongue beautifully.

“It’s not like that, I saw…you…” I swallowed, “I saw you become a vampire.”

He didn’t say anything, just kept gently brushing my hair with his fingers.

“Damian, why did you make me?”

He still didn’t respond.

“Damian?”

He took a deep (unneeded) breath, “in your dream did you see the woman?”

“Yes.”

“She wanted me to love her, more than anything. But when I didn’t she made me a vampire and doomed me to look for love for eternity.”

“You’re still not answering my question.”

“I’m getting there; well anyways before I made you, I had been watching you for some time.”

I sat straight up, as far away as I could get without actually leaving the couch. “You were what?!”

“I watched you when you went out at night, whenever you were at home I never…”

“Why were you watching me?”

“Because I saw you once, and you were…captivatingly beautiful.” His gaze caught mine, and I expected the iron-grip gaze, but instead I got the soft look of a man pleading for understanding. “You were too beautiful to ignore, for me and others. I had to protect you.”

“From what?”

“Drunken scumbags and such, but the point is, the more I watched you the more I fell in love with you.”

I did a double take.

“And when she found out, she was going to… I couldn’t let her… she was going to kill you. This was the only way to save you.”

I was still processing what he had said three sentences ago, he fell in love with me? It took a total of two minutes for everything to sink in, and when it did I asked, “So… is she still trying to get me?”

“Yes, a ghrá mo chroi , she still wants to kill you.”

a ghrá mo chroi , oh crap what did that mean? a ghrá mo chroi , a ghrá mo chroi , it meant “the love of my heart”. Did he seriously love me? I knew I didn’t love him, at least I thought I didn’t. I wasn’t so sure anymore.

“Damian,” I said, “I don’t think I love you.”

His lips met mine, for the breifest moment, I could love that part of him at least. “a ghrá mo chroi , I don’t expect you to. I have told you nothing about myself. Just please, love, please stay, if not for me stay for your safety.”

I sighed, “what choice do I have?”

“Leave or stay,” he didn’t catch a joke did he?

“I’ll stay, I have no where else to go.”

“Thank you, a stóirín . I know it is for you, but…”

I leaned against him, “I know.”

Months passed, and I knew I was growing to love him, no matter how hard I fought against the feeling I knew it was there. It wasn’t until Christmas Eve that I gave up the fight.

I was leaning against him while he read from another vampire novel. I don’t know why but I always loved to listen to him read, he was just really good at it. When he finished it was nearly dawn, and he kissed the top of my head.

a stóirín, I love you.”

I yawned and snuggled closer to him, “I love you too.”

“What?”

I yawned again, “I said, and I quote, ‘I love you too’…End quote.”

He laughed and wrapped his arms around me, “I do not lie when I say you’re beautiful or how much I love you.”

I nodded, “I know.”

“I think we should move.”

“Why?”

“Well if she-“

“What’s her real name?”

“Jacqueline”

“Fancy sounding.”

“Yeah, she used to be a noble woman before she was turned, anyways, she’s closer now.”

I tensed at the time I thought it was just how I was positioned but when Damian tensed too, I knew something was wrong.

“Damien?” my voice was childlike, rattled with fear.

she’s here.”

The door burst open and an elegant looking woman with jet black hair burst in. Damien caught her gaze and froze. “Hello Damian,” she said in a cold voice. “I know you remember me, and I know,” she pointed at me, frozen with fear on the couch. “She knows who I am. So we can skip the introductions.” She moved her finger at me in a beckoning motion. “Come here.”

I felt myself being drawn off of the couch and I approached her. Damian clutched my arm as best he could but was unable to get off the couch.

“Let her go!”

“I have no hold over her, she comes of her own free will, don’t you darlin’?”

“Yes.” Wait I didn’t say that! I said no!

“You see, she willingly flees you.”

“Yes I do,” no! Not again! I didn’t say that! I said “No I don’t!”

She took my arm and we vanished, she could teleport? It was cool, I had to admit that. We reappeared in what looked like a… graveyard. Crap! And to make things worse I still couldn’t control my movements.

I followed her to a freshly dug grave, “get in darlin’.”

I jumped in the hole and laid down in the box. She closed the lid and I heard the soft thud of the dirt falling on top. It wasn’t until then that I regained my ability to control myself. I screamed and pounded on the top of the box, to no avail.

“Damian!” I screamed his name over and over again. You know all those Anne Rice novels that say if a vampire wants to they can sleep for centuries without food and be fine? Well that’s bull crap, we need to have blood every-night or we starve to death, and I hadn’t eaten tonight.

I was there for two days, and in those two days I accepted that I was going to die. But that still didn’t stop me from sobbing. I was near death when I heard something slamming on the box.

“Adanya!” a voice called, Damian’s voice!

“Damian!” I called back. The box came open and Damian pulled me into his arms.

“Adanya, oh a ghrá mo chroi , thank God you’re alive.”

“Not for long,” I murmered, “Damian I know-”

“No, don’t think like that, you’re going to live!”

I felt death close around me, and then, something filled my mouth, it was blood, Damian’s blood! When that dawned on me I tried to pull back, but he wouldn’t let me.

“Drink, a stóirín, do not leave me, not now, not ever.” I drank and I knew I would live to get blood from someone else. Damian realized this and pulled me away, “Thank you, a stóirín.”

“I drank from you,” I pointed out bluntly.

“Thank you for staying with me again.”

He never told me what was happening while I was left in that hole, perhaps I'll get him to tell me someday, but for now I'm just happy to be with him again.
Last edited by Alice on Thu Aug 02, 2007 9:34 pm, edited 3 times in total.
I just lost the game.
  





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Tue Jul 31, 2007 4:52 am
Squall says...



Hrmm this was ok. I think you could had added more description to the characters and the environment and develop the characters more.

The problem I had was when Adanya was trapped in the coffin for two days. I mean, what the hell happened to Damian while he was gone? I'm not convinced the ending should had been happy.

You introduced the idea of death at the start of the piece, but I don't see how it was linked with the piece.There was also quite a bit of telling rather than showing. That annoyed me a bit.
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Tue Jul 31, 2007 7:19 am
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JC says...



He’s holding me hostage (sorta) and I had no clue who he really was.

This is just a weird sentence all around. It starts off in present tense, and ends in past. Let's keep with consitancy of preivious text. Change the He's to He was. =D


Ahh, there's this special place in my heart for vampires, and this made me all warm and nocturnal on the inside. =D

lol.

Okay, so I guess some actual critiquing would be nice, eh? haha.

So, it was good, I'll give it that. A small number of mistakes makes me happy =D

But a few things could be touched on. Like Squallz said, in the beginning you introduce the theme of death, yet it didn't quite link into the rest. I understand that the mere act of being a vampire is death, but there could be some more on that.

Also, it seems rather unfinished. It's a short story, but that doesn't mean that it has to be this, well...short. I've seen stories that were upwards of 20-30 pages long. You could use some character develpment in here, it say's they fall in love. So what. I want to see them fall in love.

What happened at the end? I have no idea.
She was in a coffin for two days while Damien fought off the big bad vamp? If that's the case, why not write this in third person so we can see the battle, feel the excetement? Or better, write it from Damian's pov. A vampire who falls in love with somebody who doesn't love him back while hiding from somebody who wants to kill her.

There are just so many things that could make this just that much better. It's a great concept, absolutely great potential. Excecute it correctly, and it'll be just...wow.

I highly encourage you to try writing it from a new perspective. =D

It's a good story none-the-less though. =D

Keep up the good work!
-JC
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett
  





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Thu Aug 02, 2007 9:17 pm
Rydia says...



Hey Alice! Okay so first some general comments. I like your characters and how they interact with each other but I think that some of the language you use is a touch colloquial and everything happens rather fast. Perhaps add a touch more description, like, I'd love some really descriptive sentences about Damian and you hardly ever mention the scenery. Anyway, onto the specific suggestions...

(And wasn't that one emo [s]enterence[/s] entrance? Sorry if you're expecting to see emo like this all the way though [Is it supposed to be though or perhaps through?], you just need to wrap your head around the concept that death is all around and is easy to come by, even for a vampire.

He stroked my hair, that had not [I think you mean now?] turned cherry red by “the change” which was a relief from the orange it had been before.

“I’m getting there; well anyways before I made you, I had been watching you for sometime.” [Perhaps better as some time?]

I was [s]leaned[/s] [Leant or leaning would sound better.] against him while he read from another vampire novel.

My body (seemingly) randomly tensed, for a second I thought it was just a random tensing moment but when I felt Damien tense I knew something was wrong. [This needs re-phrasing. Perhaps 'My body tensed and, at first, I did not realise the significance of this action but then I felt Damian's body go rigid and I knew something was wrong.']

_________________

In general, I liked it. You have a lot of action, some likeable characters and it's very sweet so keep up the good work!
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Fri Aug 03, 2007 5:41 am
Alteran says...



Well...This needs a bit of work. Your characters are flat like pancakes. They need substance and personality. You had some but not enough to really give the characters a more multi-dimensional existence.

You need more descriptions as well. It felt a bit rushed, by fleshing it out a bit more and adding depth it will take down rushed feeling.

Not a bad starting spot, just needs a bit of polishing.
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Sat Aug 04, 2007 3:57 am
Loose says...



I'm not too fond of the beginning, to be honest. It talks about death and drags a little. The brackets are a bit of a pest, too. Also, what are Ben and Jerry's?

The other crits pointed out the errors, so I'll leave mine as it is XD
  





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Sat Aug 04, 2007 4:04 am
Alice says...



Ben and Jerry's are the best brand of ice cream there is, i had hoped more people had heard of them. *looks sad*
I just lost the game.
  





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Sat Aug 04, 2007 5:53 pm
Rydia says...



I had. I love Ben and Jerrys! How can people not have heard of it?
Writing Gooder

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The light shines brightest in the darkest places.
  





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Sat Aug 04, 2007 7:54 pm
Alice says...



Poor deprived people!
I just lost the game.
  





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Sun Aug 05, 2007 4:16 pm
Night Mistress says...



i love it.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion
  





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Mon Oct 15, 2007 12:16 am
Alice says...



Hey guys! I'm writing the sequel if anybody's interested! It'll be on the first page whenever it shows up!
I just lost the game.
  





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Mon Oct 15, 2007 4:01 am
BigBadBear says...



Ok, good. This story better not be over. I mean... come on! Gosh, it was so flippin good.

There were somethings about it that I didn't like.

Rushed. It felt like Rush Hour here. I would really, really, truely, honestly buy this book the instant I saw it. It just has so many things in it that appeal to me! Have you ever read Cirque Du Freak? This is what reminded me of that.

Anyway, how do they fall in love? Like a paragraph before that, she absolutely hated him, and then next they are in love? You know how much detail and emotions you could put in there? I mean, you could fill up four pages just telling how they fell in love.

and also, I noticed in the dream a couple of things.

It said that Damian was dressed in Medevil clothes. Doesn't that mean that this whole setting is based in that time period, because in that time, the woman wanted to kill the girl because Damian loved her. That means that everything here had to happen in the Medevil times, which you never really specified.

Setting. Definately need to work on the setting. I mean, this is a wonderful story, and I really want to know: Where? When? How?

And in the dream you said 'undead' doesn't that mean that you are 'not dead'?
Un= not, dead=dead... not dead.. get it?

Anyway, as soon as this hits the shelves, I'll be your first customer!!!!!!
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  





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Mon Oct 15, 2007 9:37 pm
Alice says...



Aww you made me feel all fuzzily on the writers side ^.^ but chances are this'll never hit the shelves, its only a short story, but it might go in my collection of other short stories for my book ^.^
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Tue Oct 16, 2007 1:02 pm
BigBadBear says...



Hey! I forgot to mention that the whole transe scene when the main girl can't control her words are cool. Keep at it!!!

BBB
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  








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The first draft is a trip to the amusement park. The next drafts are returning there as a safety inspector.
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