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The Princess



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Sat Aug 04, 2007 3:23 pm
fothi says...



Link to "The Daisy" by Hans Christian Andersen:
http://hca.gilead.org.il/daisy.html

Sarah was a peculiar princess. Her castle rose a mere two stories, unlike the six to eight story palaces in other kingdoms. Her dresses were made by her mother, unlike the other princesses that had personal tailors and seamstresses to make clothes at the snap of their fingers. Every villager in her kingdom was on a first name basis with the royal family, as the wealth of all was shared so much that one person was just as wealthy or poor as the other. Many royal families throughout the land felt that they should only communicate with the wealthiest of families. Sarah's kingdom was also far away from these other places, in a desolate countryside. This did not stop her from traveling, however, and she eventually realized how different her home was from everyone else's.

Although she was known for her humility among the world's most fortunate royalty, she was also known for her contentment with her royalty. She had a story to tell about every nook and cranny of her two story castle. Her mother knew every detail she wanted and needed in a dress, and wove them with care. The villagers in her kingdom were among the wisest and kindest villagers she had met in any kingdom. Her kingdom's distance from all other civilization kept the unwanted people away. She was grateful, and she was happy.

Mixed with this humility and happiness was a fascination with the lives of other royalty. It was this that drew her to other cities.

"Mother, I'm taking the carriage into Nepalia. I will be back before sundown!" Sarah yelled to her mother in an adjacent room. She grabbed an overcoat from the foyer to cover the newest and most elaborate dress her mother had ever made.

"Alright, dear. You look stunning in that dress, but don't ruin it at the feast!"

"Oh, mother, I wouldn't worry about that. I am simply going to watch. I don't expect to stay long enough to ruin my dress."

It was true. She intended to stay just long enough to gaze at the beauty of the event and possibly taste a couple finger sandwiches. It was being held at the largest palace in the kingdom, owned by Prince Thomas. He was having a ball, and at the end he would choose his wife. There were stories of princesses spending all the money they had to look nice for him. To them, it was worth it because marriage meant joining with the richest family in the land.

Sarah arrived rather late, regardless of the kingdom being the closest to theirs, as it was on the outskirts of the huddle of villages and kingdoms in the center of the land. She walked gracefully up the marble steps and was ushered into the hall by a butler. there was an enormous crowd of princesses there, some of them she recognized, and most she didn't. None of them noticed her as she made her way around the room to see what food was left. She noticed a number of princes floating around, seizing their opportunity to charm a beautiful, rich, single woman of royal status.

As Sarah helped herself to a turkey finger sandwich, she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around quickly, startled by the unexpected suitor.

"May I have this dance?" he smiled. She looked at the time on a golden clock mounted on the wall opposite her. She had just arrived and, although she had only danced with a couple men she had noticed were from her kingdom
she supposed one dance wouldn't hurt.

"Sure," she smiled back, and he took her hand, leading her out onto the center of the floor.

I noticed you as you walked in. I don't think we've met. Where are you from?"

"Maladia."

"Oh... I have never met anyone from there, but I have heard plenty about it."

"Oh? Like what?"

"Well... they breed nice horses there... their goods are quite cheap... and they have some of the most beautiful girls you have seen in your life."

"That's just a line," she said, blushing.

He laughed, "Now, do I look like the type of man that would tell such a blatant lie to such a... gorgeous young lady?"

Sarah smiled. This wasn't supposed to be happening. Without even a glance at the clock, they sneaked out of the back door of the palace and sat in the courtyard, talking and laughing for hours. Before she knew it, his lips were upon hers, his fingers entwined among the strands of her hair, and the sun was sinking closer to the horizon.

Suddenly, Sarah pulled away with a jolt. "I must get back."

"No..."

"Yes," she said, standing up and glancing up at the sky. "I promised my mother I would be home by sundown."

"Let me escort you. Explain the situation. It is all my fault."

"You don't have to..."

"I must."

"It's a very long way away."

"Maladia. I know."

They caught each others gaze for one more time. He remembered the name of the minuscule town she was from. Who was this stranger?

She blushed. Of all the things they had talked about that day... and she forgotten one of the most important questions. "Who are you?"

He stood. "Prince Thomas of Nepalia."

She stared at him, her eyes widened, and she swallowed.

At that moment, a loud boom sounded in the distance, and screams were heard, the sky lit with flame.

"What was that?"

"Lead me to your carriage. We must escape quickly." She obeyed him as more explosions followed, and they nearly got lost in the commotion.


On the way to Maladia, Sarah finally got a chance to speak. "That... that was your ball we just left?"

"It was my ball. They have been threatening to bomb Nepalia for weeks."

"They?"

"Before we go any further... it is, indeed a bit late but, may I ask, how would you identify yourself, my lady?"

She paused. "Princess Sarah of Maladia."

"How would you like to be of Nepalia, my dear?" he grinned but it quickly faded. "That is... if there is a Nepalia left."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we're being invaded, taken over, conquered, by an empire much larger than ours."

"Just Nepalia?"

"No, all of the kingdoms that make up this great land. How have you not heard?"

She hadn't heard a thing about it. She leaned against Thomas in silence, unsure of the future, the past, and the present.

When they arrived back in Maladia, there was very little to be sure of. As soon as Sarah had stepped out of the carriage, she ran into the deserted, half ruined city. "No!" her heart lurched. She ran down the main street toward the rubble of her castle, tears streaming down her face, and what little she could see by the moonlight causing her head to spin and her legs to give in. The Prince ran to her side, embracing her in her arms.

"What has begun as the best night of my life has now become the worst," she cried and stuttered.

The Prince, attempting to stay strong for her took his hand and gently pulled her face to look at his. "Some destroy true beauty and masterpiece because they are too ignorant to know what it is."

She sniffled. His face was barely lit, and yet it shone like a beacon of hope, leaning over her as they both kneeled in the dirt and debris. She looked into his eyes. "And those who know what it is are able to find it in the strangest places."
Last edited by fothi on Sat Aug 04, 2007 6:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
~Faith T
  





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Sat Aug 04, 2007 4:14 pm
biancarayne says...



"Just

Think you're missing something there.

As far as the idea, it was nice, though I'm not much one for happy endings but ah well that's just me. Personally they should've been parted forever and one of them even potentially blown into a million pieces ;)

I think maybe some more details about the attack on Nepalia would be nice, and maybe getting inside his head a little bit as to why he'd abandon his kingdom when they're under attack...Maybe something leading up to the attack, some kind of foreshadowing?
  





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Sat Aug 04, 2007 6:29 pm
fothi says...



That's a really good idea, thanks!
~Faith T
  





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Mon Aug 13, 2007 12:47 am
Sureal says...



Hello, fothi. ^_^

This is a quick ‘thank you’ crit, for your review of Whispers in the Shadow. :)


"Mother, I'm taking the carriage into Nepalia. I will be back before sundown!" Sarah yelled to her mother in an adjacent room.


The first sentence that Sarah says doesn’t give the impression of shouting. Because of this, the sudden exclamation mark in the second sentence, and the use of the ‘yelled’ speech tag threw me off.

You could probably fix this by combing the two sentences; for example:

"Mother, I'm taking the carriage into Nepalia - I will be back before sundown!" Sarah yelled to her mother in an adjacent room.

Or by sticking the speech tag in the middle, such as:

"Mother, I'm taking the carriage into Nepalia," Sarah yelled to her mother in an adjacent room. "I will be back before sundown!"


"Alright, dear. You look stunning in that dress, but don't ruin it at the feast!"


Personally, I think this would be better without the exclamation mark at the end. It feels, to me, like enthusiasm is being forced into what the Queen is saying. Exclamation marks should be used with caution, and sparingly.

Also, the ‘but’ feels misplaced. I think ‘so’ would work better.

"Alright, dear. You look stunning in that dress, so don't ruin it at the feast."

(As a matter of personal preference, I’d probably also stick a ‘please’ before ‘don’t’.)


He was having a ball


You might to rephrase this slightly, because at the moment it reads as though you’re saying the prince is enjoying himself, rather than saying he’s hosting a party. I think simply replacing ‘having’ with ‘hosting’ would solve the problem.


there was an enormous crowd of princesses there


You missed out the capital T in ‘there’.


noticed were from her kingdom
she supposed one dance wouldn't hurt.


You’ve accidentally started a new line here.


"Sure," she smiled back,


This should actually be:

"Sure." She smiled back,

(I learnt my dialogue grammar from Snoink’s website. See here.)


I noticed you as you walked in. I don't think we've met. Where are you from?"


Missing a speech mark at the beginning.


"That's just a line," she said, blushing.


I’m guessing you mean ‘lie’? ;)


He laughed, "Now, do I look like the type of man


This should actually be:

He laughed. "Now, do I look like the type of man


All in all, this was a good piece. I think your writing style lends itself well to this type of story.

But I think you have one main weakness - you did not re-read your story thoroughly enough. There were a couple of silly mistakes in here that could have been avoided, and they sadly lowered the quality of writing.

My advice to you would be to re-read and edit your stories more, to ensure that they are as good as you can make them. ;)

-- Sureal
I wrote the above just for you.
  





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Mon Aug 13, 2007 1:52 am
PerforatedxHearts says...



As far as the romance goes (and i have never read the story you based it on), it seems like a classic romantic evening.

But...I don't know, I guess it's just me, but it seems a bit random that they'd bomb a city, you know? Or am I missing something?

But it ended very prettily, though this story seems more random and pieced together than any story I have read.
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Fri Aug 24, 2007 10:48 pm
Emerson says...



Ah, Romance ^_^ Just noting to you and to myself that I've read this!
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
  








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