Young Writers Society

This is my first YWS story submission so please be nice. I know I need to work on my first person character (the voice of the story) but I can't seem to get it right so any help would be great. Thank you.




He sat at the opposite end of the couch, puffing on his cigarette and playing with my cell phone.
I watched him coyly, silently, nearly predatorily. For the last three years, we’d been considerably close friends. I don’t even remember why it had happened but we met on the playground on my first day of sixth grade when he was introduced to me as one of those boys “you should just avoid, he’s nothing but trouble.”
I remember scoffing at those words. Mostly for they’re irony, seeing as my reputation for mischief hadn’t reached this new school yet.
But the girl guiding me through the school didn’t know that. And she pointed out his friends as well. More trouble. There was the older one, tall for his age, who reminded me of Draco Malfoy if he were to wear glasses. And there was the thick, Irish boy with the crooked smile and a pair of rough workers hands. Knowing all three, I was reassured that I had found myself permanent friends.
And now, three years after the fact, I found myself sitting on the couch in the house of that boy who’s nothing but trouble, buzzed on vodka and reeking of cigarette smoke, wondering what to say and do.
I’d been in the house a dozen times before. It wasn’t the nicest place in town by all means but it had a familiar charm and there were days when I felt more at home in his house then in my own.
Very abruptly, he looked over at me and stuck out his tongue with a big smile plastered across his chubby face. Max. My sweet little Max. Though I was only a year older then him, I felt like such a child and mother too him in an uncontrollable pattern.
Now I felt like the mother, looking upon her impish, guilty son.
And it flipped again. Impulsively I stuck my tongue back out at him and laughed. “You’ll never win.”
“Win what?” He had a confused look plastered across his face.
“Win me, win the game, you’ll just never win,” I teased. In that new moment, I felt like a child and on impulse sprang over too sit next too him, cuddling into his side.
I was dwarfed by his size. Max was never a small boy nor had I ever been the small girl but I knew he could easily pick me up and toss me over his shoulder.
“I don’t believe you,” he responded. And in a move that shocked me and thrilled me, he ran a hand through my hair and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pressing me closer.
For his warmth, I could only be thankful. But I was suddenly quavering at his affectionate touch. It wasn’t like him. It wasn’t like any of the boys I had gathered around me to be sincerely compassionate.
Yeah, I had used my Irish thug for a pillow but he had lain beneath me as if he were terrified of my own display of warmth. And my almost-Draco had served as a source of heat on more than one occasion. But Max had always been my plaything, never one I would have given the time to stoke away the stray hairs from his face or to pick the lint from his sweatshirt.
For the first time ever, I was completely out of my element. And he was just grinning. Not in a way that made me believe him to be in on a joke I wasn’t, but a smile of contentment.
I mimicked his smile but I couldn’t made myself fall into him the way I almost instinctively knew he wanted me too.
“If I wanted to win you, how would I do it?”
I tried to think of something brazen to say but the honesty was too much to lie through. “You wouldn’t have to try.”
“Thought so.”
Why was I being so bipolar with him? I wanted so badly to be comfortable with him like I was with others but I sought to keep him at the distance we’d always maintained.
“Why would you think that?”
“You love me and you know it.”
I couldn’t deny the fact. But how much so is harder to tell. “And do you love me?”
The question must have caught him off guard because he hesitated to answer. I didn’t know if I should be relieved or upset.
“Depends on whether or you want me to win you.” Max grinned at the cheekiness of his response.
My heart shuddered and I could feel my leg twitching uncontrollably out of nervous habit. “You’ve already won me, why would you want to give me up.”
And with all the grace I could muster, I leaned up, kissed him on the cheek and fell into him in a way I had been afraid to do with anyone ever.
He didn’t hesitate to secure me to his side in his arms and he dropped his head against mine. “I could never give you up.”

Wow. *rubs her eyes and reads the post again* That was good!
Seriously. For your first post, this is really good. I'll go ahead and tell you that I am giving you a gold star.

I watched him coyly, silently, nearly predatorily.

That sentence is a little bit weird. If you read it out loud, you can hear it. The word predatorily sounds weird when you put it that way.

Though I was only a year older then him, I felt like such a child and mother too him in an uncontrollable pattern.

The too needs to be to.

And that's all that I found!
With the character development, I thought it was totally fine. Except the fact we never learned what her name was and what she looked like. If you have a problem describing her, try doing it indirectly. Don't just flat out tell us. Use Max to help describe her. Just a suggestion.
I'll say it again, good job! I really enjoyed this post. PM me if you have any questions.

Welcome to YWS lilymoore!

lilymoore wrote:He sat at the opposite end of the couch, inhaling on his cigarette ((this sounds like of funny, maybe just say 'smoking his cigarette')) and playing with my cell phone.
I watched him coyly, silently, nearly predatorily ((i don't think that's a word )) . For the last three years, we’d been considerably close friends. I don’t even remember why it had happened but we met on the playground on my first day of sixth grade when he was introduced to me as one of those boys “you should just avoid, he’s nothing but trouble.”

lilymoore wrote:I remember scoffing at those words. Mostly for they’re ((their))irony, seeing as my reputation for mischief hadn’t reached this new school yet.

But the girl guiding me through the school didn’t know that. And she pointed out his friends as well. More trouble. There was the older one, tall for his age, who reminded me of Draco Malfoy if he were to wear glasses. And there was the thick, Irish boy with the crooked smile and a pair of rough workers hands. Knowing all three, I was reassured that I had found myself permanent friends.
And now, three years after the fact, I found myself sitting on the couch in the house of that boy who’s nothing but trouble, buzzed on vodka and reeking of cigarette smoke, wondering what to say and do.
I’d been in the house a dozen times before. It wasn’t the nicest place in town by all means but it had a familiar charm and there were days when I felt more at home in his house then in my own.[/quote]
Good descriptions!
I like these two paragraphs!

lilymoore wrote:Though I was only a year older then him, I felt like such a child and mother too ((to)) him in an uncontrollable pattern.
Now I felt like the mother, looking upon her impish, guilty son.

This isn't worded very well to me.

lilymoore wrote:I was dwarfed by his size. Max was never a small boy nor had I ever been the small girl but I knew he could easily pick me up and toss me over his shoulder.

Wait...didn't you just refer to him as 'little Max' like a paragraph or two ago?

lilymoore wrote:Yeah, I had used my Irish thug for a pillow but he had lain beneath me as if he were terrified of my own display of warmth. And my almost-Draco had served as a source of heat on more than one occasion.

You should name the Irish thug and the almost-Draco.

I really liked that last conversation.
I don't see anything wrong with your MC at all! She doesn't have a super distinctive voice but that's fine!
I thought the whole thing was written very well. All the things I pointed out were really nit-picky
I'm gonna give you a gold star too! Nice job!

-Carly

Ha, wow, I really chanced past this. I haven't been on the sight in some time but I browsed through today and saw this.

Anyway, it was quite an enjoyable read and the backstory is nice seeing as its also your only real insight into your narator. And Max sorta sounds like my ex-boyfriend but he has a simple, lovable, childish quality that reads off the page.

I didn't see any mistakes that haven't been mentioned before but I almost don't see the point at all in mentioning the other two boys (the almost-Draco and the Irish thug). They don't have any real point do they.

And I have to agree, that last bit of conversation is really good. Very simple but insightful. Thumbs up!!

So yeah, I gave you a gold star and I really enjoyed this.

This is most excellent! It's original with the refreshing attitudes of the characters- they're not the likeable types, which makes you like them because the main character has a certain likeability to her as well. They're all tough on the outside, but these two seem to be a lot softer on the inside, and together in this extract they crumble that hard barrier and reveal their true selves. That's so cool!
I hope there's more!
x

Hey there Lilymoore, how are you? Welcome to YWS and I hope you'll enjoy your stay here.

I watched him coyly, silently, nearly predatorily.

Try not to use adverbs too much. In a sense, they "tell" more than "show". You could had given an example as to how the narrator watched so that the audience can relate to it better. Use adverbs only if you want a sentence to flow more smoothly in context with what's happening in a narrative.

I remember scoffing at those words. Mostly for they’re irony, seeing as my reputation for mischief hadn’t reached this new school yet.

I quite like this idea, but I would like to see more of it throughout the text. Judging from the girl's actions in this piece, I didn't really get the impression that she was this rebel teen.

Overall impressions:

I quite like this, but it seems a bit empty for some reason. I think it's because you didn't really make much use of their characteristics. The narrator's boyfriend is a smoker and he seems a bit rebellious, yet friendly so why not make that more evident in the narrator's voice? I can say the same for the narrator herself. Her voice is pretty realistic for a teen, but it doesn't seem well distinguished for some reason that I'm trying to pinpoint.

Hrmm...maybe you should discuss more about her mischievous past, I want to know more about it. It seems like she was expelled...but for doing what? And has she learned from the mistakes of the past? Why and why not? A character's actions can have some sort of influence on the relationship. That is what I would like to see more of. Were they able to get along together well because of this, or is it something else? Does the narrator's boyfriend provide some comfort to her about her past?

You might also want to expand on the narrator's boyfriend's friends. You described them quite well, but I'm curious to know as to why the narrator views them that way.

But overall, this was well written and well thought out. Well done. I'm giving you a gold star as tribute to your efforts. I hope that you will take my advice on board in improving this piece.

Good luck.
Andy.

Holy wow, 9 stars. Thanks everyone.

Now lets see, down to the point of this, thanking everyone and clearing stuff up.



Cat_910: Thanks for the star. Okay, I feel really stupid for missing that thing with the too/to but I'm glad it was caught. Oh, and I think the best way to fix that over-adverbed sentence is to just turn "nearly" to "near". I don't know but I think it definately sounds improved.

tnme22: Okay, I think its obvious I need to check my own stuff for stupid errors, huh. The small then big thing and the grammar mistakes that have been caught just prove what writing at 2 am does to you. But thank you for the star and the compliments, especially about that last bit of conversation. I spend a lot of time trying to make it feel right so its nice to know someone enjoyed it.

Lilith: I know what you mean about the ex-boyfriend thing. Must have been a civil break up, huh? Oh well, its not my business but thank you.

Clup91: About there being more, well, I'm not sure. At first this was meant to be a very stand alone thing but now I'm not so sure, not after the responce it's received. But you got it, the characters I mean, with them being hard on the outside but soft on the inside. That was what I had hoped for.

Squall: I know what you meant about the empty thing because I felt it too. Though I'm proud of this piece, its definately not my highest joy. It does have a hollow quality and I would love to fix that. So yeah, thanks for the advice and I'll definately work on it. Hopefully, in a week or so, I'll repost and give you and everyone else a chance to re-examine it.


THANKS!!!

Hey! Okay so i like where you are going with this, but even though im fifteen, i am still out of the loop. Does 'win her' mean...*ehem*???? Haha. Just wondering. Then there were four other things.

In the beginning, maybe describe a conversation that brought the two together? Definatly add in the boy's eye color, hair, height, what he wear, ect. You want to be detailed with YOUR character. Maybe add in their names too, that was a bit odd...not knowing their names...

**I don’t even remember why it had happened but we met on the playground on my first day of sixth grade when he was introduced to me as one of those boys “you should just avoid, he’s nothing but trouble.”
~after happened add a comma. 'you should just avoid him, he is nothing but trouble.' is what i would change that to.

**There was the older one, tall for his age, who reminded me of Draco Malfoy if he were to wear glasses.
~Again, comma after Malfoy. Who is 'the older one'? Maybe be more specific?

**In that new moment, I felt like a child and on impulse sprang over too sit next closer too him, cuddling into his side.
~huh??? 'In that new moment, i felt like a child beside him. On impuls i sprang over to him, just to get closer and feel his warmth, to be cuddled next to his side.' That sounds a lot better in my opinion.


Thats all i found! I really like it, i can see it being something i enjoy, just because she sounds innocent and sweet while he is this big bad boy. ha. Keep it going!

[quote]He sat at the opposite end of the couch, inhaling on his cigarette and playing with my cell phone.

I watched him coyly, silently, nearly predatorily. For the last three years, we’d been considerably close friends. I don’t even remember why it had happened but we met on the playground on my first day of sixth grade when he was introduced to me as one of those boys “you should just avoid, he’s nothing but trouble.”

I remember scoffing at those words. Mostly for they’re irony, seeing as my reputation for mischief hadn’t reached this new school yet.

But the girl guiding me through the school didn’t know that. And she pointed out his friends as well. More trouble. There was the older one, tall for his age, who reminded me of Draco Malfoy if he were to wear glasses. And there was the thick, Irish boy with the crooked smile and a pair of rough workers hands. Knowing all three, I was reassured that I had found myself permanent friends.

And now, three years after the fact, I found myself sitting on the couch in the house of that boy who’s nothing but trouble, buzzed on vodka and reeking of cigarette smoke, wondering what to say and do.

I’d been in the house a dozen times before. It wasn’t the nicest place in town by all means but it had a familiar charm and there were days when I felt more at home in his house then in my own.

Very abruptly, he looked over at me and stuck out his tongue with a big smile plastered across his chubby face. Max. My sweet little Max. Though I was only a year older then him, I felt like such a child and mother too him in an uncontrollable pattern.

Now I felt like the mother, looking upon her impish, guilty son.

And it flipped again. Impulsively I stuck my tongue back out at him and laughed. “You’ll never win.”

“Win what?” He had a confused look plastered across his face.

“Win me, win the game, you’ll just never win,” I teased. In that new moment, I felt like a child and on impulse sprang over too sit next closer too him, cuddling into his side.

I was dwarfed by his size. Max was never a small boy nor had I ever been the small girl Is it possible a comma could go here without interrupting the flow? but I knew he could easily pick me up and toss me over his shoulder.

“I don’t believe you,” he responded. And in a move that insert a both here, maybe? shocked me and thrilled me, he ran a hand through my hair and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pressing me closer.

For his warmth, I could only be thankful. But I was suddenly quavering at his affectionate touch. It wasn’t like him. It wasn’t like any of the boys I had gathered around me to be sincerely compassionate.

Yeah, I had used my Irish thug for a pillow but he had lain beneath me as if he were terrified of my own display of warmth. And my almost-Draco had served as a source of heat on more than one occasion. But Max had always been my plaything, never one I would have given the time to stoke away the stray hairs from his face or to pick the lint from his sweatshirt.

For the first time ever, I was completely out of my element. And he was just grinning. Not in a way that made me believe him to be in on a joke I wasn’t, but a smile of contentment.

I mimicked his smile but I couldn’t made myself fall into him the way I almost instinctively knew he wanted me too.

“If I wanted to win you, how would I do it?”

I tried to think of something brazen to say but the honesty was too much to lie through. “You wouldn’t have to try.”

“Thought so.”

Why was I being so bipolar with him? I wanted so badly to be comfortable with him like I was with others most of the time, a comma before or after a but helps keep the sentence from running on and onbut I sought to keep him at the distance we’d always maintained.

“Why would you think that?”

“You love me and you know it.”

I couldn’t deny the fact. But how much so is harder to tell. “And do you love me?”

The question must have caught him off guard because he hesitated to answer. I didn’t know if I should be relieved or upset.

“Depends on whether or you want me to win you.” Max grinned at the cheekiness of his response.

My heart shuddered and I could feel my leg twitching uncontrollably out of nervous habit. “You’ve already won me, why would you want to give me upQuestion mark here, maybe? Sorry that I'm really only good for the very fine tune stuff. It's really good so far, this is just things I pick up on..”

And with all the grace I could muster, I leaned up, kissed him on the cheek, and fell into him in a way I had been afraid to do with anyone ever.

He didn’t hesitate to secure me to his side in his arms and he dropped his head against mine. “I could never give you up.”[quote]

Now on the other stuff. I was interested in the story, but this felt extremely rushed. I've had the same problem. You could probably stretch it out a little bit without protest from readers.

He sat at the opposite end of the couch, inhaling on his cigarette and playing with my cell phone.
I watched him coyly, silently, nearly predatorily. For the last three years, we’d been considerably close friends. I don’t even remember why it had happened but we met on the playground on my first day of sixth grade when he was introduced to me as one of those boys “you should just avoid, he’s nothing but trouble.”
I remember scoffing at those words. Mostly for they’re irony, seeing as my reputation for mischief hadn’t reached this new school yet.
But the girl guiding me through the school didn’t know that. And she pointed out his friends as well. More trouble. There was the older one, tall for his age, who reminded me of Draco Malfoy if he were to wear glasses. And there was the thick, Irish boy with the crooked smile and a pair of rough workers hands. Knowing all three, I was reassured that I had found myself permanent friends.
And now, three years after the fact, I found myself sitting on the couch in the house of that boy who’s nothing but trouble, buzzed on vodka and reeking of cigarette smoke, wondering what to say and do.
I’d been in the house a dozen times before. It wasn’t the nicest place in town by all means but it had a familiar charm and there were days when I felt more at home in his house then in my own.
Very abruptly, he looked over at me and stuck out his tongue with a big smile plastered across his chubby face. Max. My sweet little Max. Though I was only a year older then him, I felt like such a child and mother too him in an uncontrollable pattern.
Now I felt like the mother, looking upon her impish, guilty son.
And it flipped again. Impulsively I stuck my tongue back out at him and laughed. “You’ll never win.”
“Win what?” He had a confused look plastered across his face.
“Win me, win the game, you’ll just never win,” I teased. In that new moment, I felt like a child and on impulse sprang over too sit next closer too him, cuddling into his side.
I was dwarfed by his size. Max was never a small boy nor had I ever been the small girl but I knew he could easily pick me up and toss me over his shoulder.
“I don’t believe you,” he responded. And in a move that shocked me and thrilled me, he ran a hand through my hair and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pressing me closer.
For his warmth, I could only be thankful. But I was suddenly quavering at his affectionate touch. It wasn’t like him. It wasn’t like any of the boys I had gathered around me to be sincerely compassionate.
Yeah, I had used my Irish thug for a pillow but he had lain beneath me as if he were terrified of my own display of warmth. And my almost-Draco had served as a source of heat on more than one occasion. But Max had always been my plaything, never one I would have given the time to stoke away the stray hairs from his face or to pick the lint from his sweatshirt.
For the first time ever, I was completely out of my element. And he was just grinning. Not in a way that made me believe him to be in on a joke I wasn’t, but a smile of contentment.
I mimicked his smile but I couldn’t made myself fall into him the way I almost instinctively knew he wanted me too.
“If I wanted to win you, how would I do it?”
I tried to think of something brazen to say but the honesty was too much to lie through. “You wouldn’t have to try.”
“Thought so.”
Why was I being so bipolar with him? I wanted so badly to be comfortable with him like I was with others but I sought to keep him at the distance we’d always maintained.
“Why would you think that?”
“You love me and you know it.”
I couldn’t deny the fact. But how much so is harder to tell. “And do you love me?”
The question must have caught him off guard because he hesitated to answer. I didn’t know if I should be relieved or upset.
“Depends on whether or you want me to win you.” Max grinned at the cheekiness of his response.
My heart shuddered and I could feel my leg twitching uncontrollably out of nervous habit. “You’ve already won me, why would you want to give me up.”
And with all the grace I could muster, I leaned up, kissed him on the cheek and fell into him in a way I had been afraid to do with anyone ever.
He didn’t hesitate to secure me to his side in his arms and he dropped his head against mine. “I could never give you up.”[/quote]


hello lily..

**ahh..that's all.?**

well, it was not bad..actually it was nice..i love both the girl and the boy..
are you planning on lengthening this?..cause if you do, well, just do it..it's really interesting.

just try to give more details, descriptions...a few more editions and it will be good.


hope to read more from you..!




god bless..

Hey!

I watched him coyly, silently, nearly predatorily.

Predatorily? I can't even say that. And as I thought, my spellcheck informs me there is no such word. Also, I don't really like the four 'ly' words in a row.

I don’t even remember why it had happened but we met on the playground on my first day of sixth grade when he was introduced to me as one of those boys “you should just avoid, he’s nothing but trouble.”

Long sentence here, try breaking it up with commas.
"I don't even remember why it had happened, but we met on the playground on my first day of sixth grade. He was introduced to me as one of those boys "you should just avoid, he's nothing but trouble."

Mostly for they’re irony,

'for' seem awkward. I would say 'because'. Also, replace 'irony' with 'ironic', it makes more sense that way.

But the girl guiding me through the school didn’t know that.

This is obvious because you have already stated the reputation hasn't made it to the school yet, this is unneeded.

I felt like such a child and mother too him in an uncontrollable pattern.

'Too' should be 'to'. This sentence is slightly confusing, it took me a couple of times to understand what you meant. Maybe try and be a little clearer? I'm not sure how, but yeah XD

I felt like a child and on impulse sprang over too sit next closer too him, cuddling into his side.

'to'.

I mimicked his smile but I couldn’t made myself fall into him the way I almost instinctively knew he wanted me too.

'make', rather then 'made'. 'to' again.

“You’ve already won me, why would you want to give me up.”

You need a question mark. Also, what? She was just saying to herself she couldn't fall for him like he wanted her to, and now he already has her? I'm confused.

Overall, this was alright. I liked the fact the girl and the boy weren't perfect, their faults made them more believable as characters. But I want to know more, as I find the girl rather perplexing. I can't quite tell what she really thinks.
A little more description would be an asset, but don't overdo it, as I find the romance genre often does.
But overall, you have a sweet, cute little piece of writing. ^^

-Nutty

Sorry this took so long. Here you go:

Nitpicks have mostly been done, but as for the story: It was kind of fast paced. First of all she was with her mother then telling us how she moved to her father and then had these new kids... and then she's in love with one.
It's too awkward.
It was like she loved Max because she could? And how would she know about Trent being a hothead before she'd met him..?

This isn't really a story. I want to know how they fell in love, how she felt at school, why she is smoking, drinking, sneaking out, why her mother sent her away, what she feels, how the boys feel about her, see them interacting, see them being 'a foursome'.

I think you rushed way too much. If you slowed it and sort of allowed yourself to write about the series of events, then it would all make sense.

It was good - just not great. Nothing happened that made sense. First of all, if Trent is such a hothead, why would he react the way he did when she asked for smokes?

Guesssss whoooooo? x[}

First off, I just want to say that was good. *gives gold star and all* Good job, Lils!

Next I want to elaborate on a few things that confused me:

I don’t even remember why it had happened but we met on the playground on my first day of sixth grade when he was introduced to me as one of those boys “you should just avoid, he’s nothing but trouble.”

I remember scoffing at those words. Mostly for they’re irony, seeing as my reputation for mischief hadn’t reached this new school yet.

But the girl guiding me through the school didn’t know that. And she pointed out his friends as well. More trouble. There was the older one, tall for his age, who reminded me of Draco Malfoy if he were to wear glasses. And there was the thick, Irish boy with the crooked smile and a pair of rough workers hands. Knowing all three, I was reassured that I had found myself permanent friends.

I dunno why, but this part just felt stiff and confusing. And I was also left wondering the very unimportant questions. Why did you move here? Or are you just going to a new school? Who is this girl? What is this school's name? I feel as if there's more room for description.

Though I was only a year older then him, I felt like such a child and mother too him in an uncontrollable pattern.

And also, please, reword this sentence. It sounds very confusing.
Try:
Even though I was a year older than him, at times I felt like such a child around him, and at others times like a mother. It had a tendancy to change perpestive at such uncontrollable times.

So, there. My nitpicking has already been done by others, so I'll just leave you to muse over my meager comments. xP

Keep up the good work!

Love & Blessings,
Aushy

It was a great story! I really enjoyed it^^ Especially that part "one of those boys u should just avoid, nothing but trouble" That was really cute! I also think your vocabulary usage is alot more advanced than mine which is really good. The story has a nice rhythm to it. You also have a certain flowing sequence throughout. You're a great writer and I really hope you can upload some more^^.!

This is actually a rather old piece. I posted it back in November when I first joined but GoldenQuill revived it. ^^ I actually haven't posted anything recently but if you would like to know when I do hae-won, just PM me.