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Young Writers Society


The Unknown and the Forbidden



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Points: 890
Reviews: 3
Thu Mar 19, 2009 6:15 am
Sincerly_I_Write says...



Chapter 1: How it all started
Chapter 1: Come Out, Come Out Where Ever you are

"I can't believe this is happening to me. Of all people, how come it is me who gets the short stick" Katie Scarlet groaned and complained. She had waist long brilliant red hair, thin body maybe 5'4'' But her forest green eyes always shined through her long eyelashes. Katie Scarlet had perfect skin and every guy that saw her fell for her, and every girl wanted to be her.
"Come on guys why do I have to go after Lucas in the woods by myself..."Katie looked helpless and innocent as she looked at her friends.” Wednesday will you please go with me?" She begged, "Please I don't want to go all by myself just because stupid Lucas is a idiot"
Wednesday smiled, she had perfect straight teeth and beautiful Greenish blue eyes to match her long dirty blond hair. She always smiled and laughed, of course all the guys went after her because she has an amazing personality to match her amazing body. “Hell fucking no. Sorry girl you are on your in this. Go get Lucas”
Katie groaned and sighed heavily " I don't want to go alone you seen that forest at night it is weird and creepy..."Peter stood up and grabbed Katie's shoulders. He put a giant green glow stick on a string and put it around her neck tying it so it won't come loose. Katie’s face turned a brilliant red, close to her hair color. Unlike any boy Katie has ever seen, peter was more of a funny but quiet guy. He was tall, maybe 5'10'' but he had long black hair that covered his bright baby blue eyes. Everything about him seemed perfect to her. He had a hint of muscle, 6 pack abs, and lucky for her, he barely ever whore a shirt. But that was because he hated the feel of being trapped. He had an amazing smile that always told her she was safe.
"Look your going to be fine you have light now you have you cell phone in case you get lost and you can camp out there till we find you, that is, if you get lost." Peter seemed brotherly like; he has told Katie and everyone else who wanted to know that she was like a sister or a close friend and nothing more to him. But to Katie, she wanted to be more than friends, but like she was told once in the friend or sister zone there is no way of getting out of it.
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN CAMP OUT THERE? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO!!! STUPID LUCAS CAN'T CAMP OUT THERE BY HIMSELF YOU CAN MAKE ME!!!" Katie screamed at the top of her lungs, hoping the Lucas would hear her so he knew no one was coming for him.
“Now, now, Katie there is no need to be screaming your going to make the poor boy run , again” Peter smiled his flashy smile at Katie, “Please Katie you’re the only one who can actually make the boy stop running and you know it. You know you’re the only one who will make Lucas stop and think about what he is doing.”
Katie frowned at Peter. She knew he was right but she did not want to admit it. “Peter I don’t want to go alone. Don’t you watch the news? People DIE alone in the woods, I don’t want to die, and I especially don’t want to die alone!” Katie whined at him knowing he was getting annoyed with her.
Instead of listening to Peter yell at her for complaining, Wednesday walked towards the forest completely ignoring the whole group. She hated complainers just as much as Peter and Katie, even though she was one at times, did. “He is never going to be found if you two stand there and look at each other, peter Katie stop acting like a married couple and help me out here .”Wednesday held up her phone trying to get a signal, but out by the entrance of the forest everything just drops. Which means there is no signal, any calls that were going on before were dropped no text messages went out, and that made this the perfect run away spot.
“There is nothing we can do for him,” Katie started,” If he will not come out on his own then maybe it is the fact that he doesn’t want to be found, maybe it is the fact that he ran away to see who loves him enough to follow him…No one can really know what is going through his head when he took off into the forest.” Katie stared at the other two. “Maybe we have to wait for him to feel comfortable around us again. I mean we did sort of cause this.”
Wednesday turned her head in a sharp turn “Bite your tongue!”
Katie glared at her and took a step towards her “Why Wednesday? Because I said the truth, it is our fault. We made him upset and he took off.”
“It was not our fault that he has issues,” Wednesday got close to Katie’s face . So close, Katie could feel the heat rising in the air .
Peter stared at the scene and got in between them, “Ladies please stop. You want to help him right?” Having this heard Both Katie and Wednesday looked at him like they would kill him without a second thought. “Well this fighting is not helping the situation, we need to find a way to get into the forest and make him come out before people start realizing something is wrong. Because we all know that soon enough people are going to find out something is up .”
Wednesday walked away slowly and sat on a log “Look we did a fair draw , Katie” she said slowly trying to calm herself down “ and we all know you’re the only one he trusts, please, just go find Lucas and bring him home…”Wednesday looked at Katie with fear in her eyes.
“There is not much I can do though .”Katie whispered so softly, she wasn’t sure if anyone heard her.
Wednesday looked up at her “So do what you can, we all know you can do it that is why we picked you to do it, we all know you’re the only one.”
Katie frowned and looked at them “Well maybe I don’t want to be the only one, did you think of that? Maybe it is the fact that no one asked me if I wanted to be the only who can calm Lucas down. No one asked me what I wanted to do, Wednesday.” Katie complained and murmured several curse words.
Peter looked at Wednesday with a twinge of guilt,” Do you think we did the right thing, sending her out there by herself I mean?”
Wednesday had her head in her hands as she sat on the log, “Do we have a choice? Who knows what would have happened if we did any different.”
Peter frowned and walked off from the entrance of the forest “We might want to leave before everything goes down….I don’t know about you but I don’t want to be here when it happens…”Peter continued walking without looking back at anything.
Wednesday looked at him and stood up, “Your right, nothing good will ever come of this, and we all know it.” She walked in a different direction form the entrance not leaving any trace of the three of them being there.
Katie walked into the forest completely oblivious to the previous conversation. “Lucas!” She screamed repeatedly while wondering if he was anywhere near to hear her. Katie shivered from the cold and checked her phone for the time. It read 11:30 p.m. which made her even more nervous. She had no signal and she finally got the hint that she was being left there.
“Very funny you guys. I got it the joke is on me! I am not stupid, I can take a hint!” Katie said standing still in the Okanogan forest. She loved being in the greenery but at night Katie thought it was too eerie. She also thought that the fog made everything worse. “Come on you guys this is not funny! You know I hate it out here especially at night!” Katie looked around nervously as she heard a bush moving. Katie turned sharply looking at the bush as it stopped moving.
Katie’s eyes started to tear up, “You guys this isn’t funny!” Katie started crying running through the trees trying to find the way out. She only made herself more lost as the tears rolled onto her cheeks. “THIS IS NOT FUNNY!” Katie screamed at the top of her lungs as she stood in the middle of the forest. “I want to go home” She whispered to herself.
Lucas stood behind the trees watching her every movement. He continued to feel guilt run through his body as he stared. He felt bad that he was forced to trick Katie into being alone in the woods. But to everyone else she deserved it for what she did. Truth be told, Lucas didn't even know what she did wrong, but she did something serious.


[[to be continued....]
  





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18 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1193
Reviews: 18
Wed Oct 12, 2011 7:56 pm
Disenchanted says...



Hey, this story is really interesting. It can be confusing at times, like for starters, I don't know who Lucas is and what is his role in the story. We last see him standing behind a tree, watching Katie. Is it just a prank being pulled on the poor girl? But what did she do to deserve it? Also, your story has a lot of punctuation and grammar mistakes. I bolded a few my corrections in your story:

"I can't believe this is happening to me. Of all people, how come it is me who gets the short stick?" <----(She's asking a question so it's best to put in a question mark when neccessary.. ^^)

Wednesday, will you please go with me?" <--- (Don't forget the commas otherwise you'd end up with a rambling sentence.)

"Please I don't want to go all by myself just because stupid Lucas is a idiot."
<--- (This line confused me for a second. You already informed us that Lucas was stupid, so you don't have to add the idiot part. xD)

...and beautiful greenish blue eyes <---(You didn't need to capitalize the 'G' in greenish.)

Go get Lucas." <---(Don't forget correct punctuation. The punctuation comes before the inverted commas.)

Ah, well you get the point. xD I suggest you read through your story one more time to see where you might've missed simple mistakes like the ones above. Just be aware that some of your sentences aren't properly created. I see you miss punctuation, capitalization, and commas. Just be careful with that. I like your descriptiveness the most, but your organization could be just a tad neater. Other than that, the story was fabulous and I can't wait to read the next part as soon as it comes out! :D
"Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light."
"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay... It's not the end."
  





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13 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1213
Reviews: 13
Thu Oct 20, 2011 7:46 pm
Teresabanosg says...



Hi. Quite an intriguing story. I think it lacked of context a bit. Why are they there? I understand it might be intentional, adding a little more mystery into it, but I think it's too much, it got a little confusing at the beginning, so I continued reading, but it needed a little more of background information.
"I can't believe this is happening to me. Of all people, how come it is me who gets the short stick?" Katie Scarlet groaned and complained. She had waist long brilliant red hair, thin body maybe 5'4'' But her forest green eyes always shined through her long eyelashes. Katie Scarlet had perfect skin and every guy that saw her fell for her, and every girl wanted to be her. I would suggest describing her differently, maybe something like: "Her skin looked even prettier under the moonlight" or something like that. It's just a personal opinion. I think it would make the story flow in a greater way.
"Come on guys why do I have to go after Lucas in the woods by myself..."Katie looked helpless and innocent as she looked at her friends.” Wednesday will you please go with me?" She begged, "Please I don't want to go all by myself just because stupid Lucas is a idiot"
Wednesday smiled, she had perfect straight teeth and beautiful Greenish blue eyes to match her long dirty blond hair. She always smiled and laughed, of course all the guys went after her because she has an amazing personality to match her amazing body.I got a little confused here, you said basically the same thing about Katie and Wednesday, that they're perfect or whatever. You might want to revise it. “Hell fucking no. Sorry girl you are on your in this. Go get Lucas”

I think you should add a little more flow to it. It is a little stiff. I do like your descriptions of the characters, but I think you should keep them flowing in the story.

" I don't want to go alone you seen that forest at night, it is weird and creepy..."
Check for punctuation, I think you are missing a comma here. Make sure to check overall grammar and punctuation.

Also,
Katie screamed at the top of her lungs
I believe it would sound better if you said yelled, but I'm not so sure.

Overall, I liked it, and hope you continue it. I want to know what happens to Lucas and Katie.
Lucas stood behind the trees watching her every movement. He continued to feel guilt run through his body as he stared. He felt bad that he was forced to trick Katie into being alone in the woods. But to everyone else she deserved it for what she did. Truth be told, Lucas didn't even know what she did wrong, but she did something serious.
I liked how you described Lucas's innocent intentions here. Its sounds as if Lucas isn't mean at all. But you might want to explain why Katie deserved it. It seems as if she's nice at first, but maybe she's not? Explain a little more.
I really think this story is great, just some general revising could help it quite a lot.
I hope you continue it! It is captivating! haha.

Keep on writing :)
Teresa
Am I crazy enough?
  








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