Black Hearts, Blue Tears

Prologue
His name echoes in the dark recesses of my mind. Clayton. Even now, the sound of his name can give light to a darkened day. It seems as though it's been a thousand years but that isn't possible...is it? Who truly knows for sure? Maybe he does. Maybe he's still out there somewhere, counting the time. But I doubt it. If he were still out there he would have come back to me. But he hasn't yet returned, so he must not be of this earth anymore.
I remember that summer well. It was both the best and worst summer of our teenage lives. But it ended up being the worst dummer of my entire life. Tears would fall, screams would rise, and we would lose one of our own. But no matter how much we fought against it, that summer would stay in our memories forever. None of us would ever forget that night. And no matter what, we couldn't fight what had happened. She was dead and we couldn bring her back.
She was my own flesh and blood. They killed her without mercy. But her death wasn't their only crime. Their last mistake was framing him for her murder. Nevertheless, they went to jail for their crimes. But I was forced to leave town soon after. And when I finally returned, he wasn't there. I wonder now if he left because this town held all of our memories. No one will tell me why he left. They'll only tell me that he left with a heavy heart two years before I returned. Why did he leave? The question lingers in my mind as I think of him now.
Now, I sit in the spot we came to so many times during the three years we were together. It is an old abandoned house near the ocean. Clayton and I had fixed it up the first summer that we were together. We used the house as a hide-out and a place to be alone. My grandfather owned the house, and he gave it to me. I now live it that house. It looks out over the ocean. I sleep in the same room that we slept in that summer. Sometimes, at night, I imagine that he is still here with me. But he is not. No, he left here a long time before I came back. Now he will never return. I will be forced to live without him for therest of my life.
I loved and i lost. Now I will tell the story of that summer.. the truth that was kept a secret will come out. And now, you'll find out what truly happened. I loved him and because of the events that happened that night, I was torn away from him. Whose side will you choose? Ours or theirs? Remember, we are innocent.

Hi!

I thought this was a good prologue, I think you have done well in making the reader curious as to what happened in the summer and what is to come, nicely done!

It seems as though it's been a thousand years but that isn't possible...is it? Who truly knows for sure? Maybe he does. Maybe he's still out there somewhere, counting the time.

I get what you're doing here about showing that it seems like such a long time ago but I'm not that keen on the 'who truly knows for sure? Maybe he does.' part as its kind of obvious that its not been a thousand years and that its an exaggeration and surely all the other people in the story would know. I think you should just leave it as 'but that isn't possible... is it?' and jump straight to 'Maybe he's still out there' perhaps you could add 'that we've been apart.' just to specify what time he is counting

But I doubt it. If he were still out there he would have come back to me. But he hasn't yet returned, so he must not be of this earth anymore.

I'm not that fond of the second sentence, you used 'But,' to start with really recently so I'd try and find a way around using it again. 'He must not of this earth anymore' just sounds a bit over the top to me sorry, I think if you simplified it it would sound better. Maybe something like
'He still hasn't returned so he can't possibly be on earth.'
Its all a bit full of her self though, I mean I know they loved one another but she would be open to the possibility of him having moved on wouldn't she? She did go away for quite a while. By reading this it makes me think she's a bit pompous and I don't think that’s the kind of person you wanted to portray (sorry if I'm wrong) so maybe she could have doubts about herself? Like by adding on the possibility that he has forgotten about her and how much that would hurt.

It was both the best and worst summer of our teenage lives. But it ended up being the worst dummer of my entire life.

The second sentence kind of repeats what the first one says, I'd either leave it out or replace it with something new that is saying something different than what has already been said.

Tears would fall, screams would rise, and we would lose one of our own.

'we would lose one of our own' sounded a it odd to me here, as you have not yet introduced her sister it sounds strange and like its their child or something. Maybe something like 'and we would lose everything' would make more sense here as then you could be referring to their relationship and leave the sister dying until later.

But no matter how much we fought against it, that summer would stay in our memories forever. None of us would ever forget that night. And no matter what, we couldn't fight what had happened.

You've basically just repeated the same thing throughout these couple of sentences. I'm not sure what you are saying they fought against here as well- the memory or the event? Its a bit confusing. I don't think you need 'but' here either as its kind of agreeing with the sentences before it, not saying something different. So maybe all in all something like this-
'No matter how much our minds would try to repress it, that summer day would stay with us forever.'

But her death wasn't their only crime. Their last mistake was framing him for her murder.

Its not that clear who 'him' is here, I'd say 'Clayton' and its not really a mistake as framing someone is very deliberate and they didn't (as far as I know) get caught for it so they wouldn't regret it- maybe you could say something about going even further in their actions or something similar.

Nevertheless, they went to jail for their crimes. But I was forced to leave town soon after. And when I finally returned, he wasn't there.

Well done in leaving it all mysterious surrounding why she had to leave- I'm really curious!

I'd leave out 'But' though and connect the last two sentences by missing out the full stop.

I wonder now if he left because this town held all of our memories. No one will tell me why he left. They'll only tell me that he left with a heavy heart two years before I returned.

You repeat 'left' three times here, I'd change one or two maybe 'went' or 'moved' would work as a replacement. I'd change 'because the town held all our memories' as I think it could be reworded better, as it is it sounds a bit strange as its him who has the memories but the town prompts him to remember them if I'm making sense

maybe something like 'because the town held too many memories of us in happier times' would be a bit clearer.

We used the house as a hide-out and a place to be alone. My grandfather owned the house, and he gave it to me. I now live it that house.

You repeat house here and although repeating words can be effective I'm not sure if it works here. Maybe you could change one or two of them to 'home' or something similar. 'live it that house' should be 'live in this house' as she is there at the moment.

I now live it that house. It looks out over the ocean. I sleep in the same room that we slept in that summer. Sometimes, at night, I imagine that he is still here with me. But he is not.

The first three sentences here are a bit jerky, short sentences do sometimes work but I think this would flow a big smoother if you connected one or two of them.

I will be forced to live without him for therest of my life.

'therest' should be 'the rest'

I loved him and because of the events that happened that night, I was torn away from him.

I think 'because of what happened that night' instead of saying 'event's might work better here.

Overall: I liked this! I do think it could be improved though in how you reveal more on what happened, if you left it more mysteriously or extended the information out I think it would be a lot more effective. You say that her sister died and he was framed then she had to leave all very quickly. I think you could tell less of what happened and focus on her feelings. If you left it as her sister died and mentioned something about Clayton being blamed and then leaving it might be a bit better than telling the reader all about how they got put in prison and framed him. Its a bit of an overload where as I think hinting at things would work better for you here in getting the reader to want to know more and read on.

I noticed that you start quite a few sentences with 'But' which I'm not that fond of using. I'd try to avoid using it so much, perhaps rearranging the sentence to leave it out at times or replacing it with something else like 'Still,' or 'Although,'. You use quite a few short sentences and word repetitions for effect but using these methods too much make them lose their effect, so I'd try to vary sentence lengths more and use less repetition. That way when you do use them they sound even better!

As she is thinking back to Clayton in the house they used to spend time in, I'd describe the house more- appealing to all the senses. I'd also add more on how she feels when remembering him, focusing more on the physical pain she might feel- like an ache in her chest or her heart freezing at the thought of him. She must be feeling a lot of emotions as she obviously loved him very much so by describing what she is feeling in the present the reader can get more of a sense of this.

Overall though good job! I hope you post more

All my comments are just suggestions so ignore me if you want!

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