Young Writers Society

Tears swimming in my eyes, I stare at you, searching deep within your eyes. But your eyes are blank, completely emotionless. I look down at the ring on my finger, its sparkling demeanor taunting me. It’s reminding me of ‘us’, the ‘us’ that no longer exists.

I can hear music, drums mimicking the slow, heavy beating of my heart. Can you hear the music? Are you even aware of who am I? Or are you so lost in visions of her, that you no longer understand what we had?

Questions. So many questions. I need so many answers. But it’s too late now. You’ve gone too far away from me, even though you’re standing so near me, so near, I can feel your breath on my face. Jerking a bit, I take a step away from you; I no longer have the right to stand so close to you. That right belongs to her. The woman you’ve fallen in love with. Molten gold, azure blue and rose petals. That’s her, breathtakingly beautiful.

A tear slips down my face. Once more I look down at the ring on my hand. It’s laughing at me now, glinting evilly in the glare of the sun. Slowly, I slip it off my finger, clutching onto it for a moment. Giving it back to you is like going back in reverse. Nevertheless, I spread out my palm and beckon you to take the ring. You look at it for a moment, and for a split second my heart soars high into the air with hope that you might put it back on my finger. Your hand reaches out, just barely scraping my palm and takes the ring. You walk away.

A million moments flash across my mind, your smile, our first date, walking on the beach, our first fight, the night you proposed. Where did we go wrong? The drums are beating louder now, I can’t breathe. I have to stop you, I can’t let you go. Frantically I run after you, but before I can stop you, I see you with her. You’re running a hand through her golden hair, and I touch my own, wondering what’s wrong with it. Isn’t it soft enough, or as silky as hers?

I slowly turn around, there’s nothing I can do to stop you. I walk away. Every step takes me farther from you. As if you care. People are staring at me. I know what they’re looking at, my tear-streaked face, somewhat bewildered. I can see the pity in their eyes, and I hate it. I start running, away from the people, away from the pity. Finally I reach my car.

Sitting in my car, my head on the steering wheel, I cry my heart out. There are several swear words, swirling around in my mind, namely dedicated to you and that blonde. I pound my fist on the steering wheel continuously, the dull sound satisfying me. Thud, thud, thud.

I am so pissed, I could kill you. Yeah I could. On second thought, maybe I should kill her. It’s her fault that you’re not with me anymore. It’s her fault that I won’t get to wear that wedding dress I spent countless days searching for, it’s her fault I won’t walk down the aisle with you. I’m going crazy, shaking my head. What am I thinking?

Starting the car, I head off towards home. A million thoughts are crammed into my head, causing a pounding headache. I can’t see clearly, I rub my eyes, trying to clear my vision.
Nevertheless, I keep on driving, barely missing cars. Reaching home, I can’t help but laugh; it’s a wonder why I didn’t get a ticket for rash driving. My laughter is broken, when thoughts of you come back to life. I can hear the drums again, getting louder and louder, pounding against the walls of my mind. Stop, I whisper, stop.

Lying on the bed, in my room, I stare up at the ceiling, looking at the glowing plastic stars. You helped me stick them on. We got a ladder; your job was to stick the stars on the ceiling, mine to hand them to you. Later, at night, we lay on the bed looking at the stars, glowing green, feeling like kids.

You were my night, diamonds scattered against black velvet. You were my day, golden rays glimmering upon me. You made so many promises, building a pyramid of hope, carefully placing one promise on top of another. I didn’t know that your promises were as light as autumn leaves (scarlet and gold, but lifeless) blown easily away by the wind, taking along with it our dreams as well (or were they only my dreams?).

My throat is aching with unshed tears. I take a deep shuddering breath, and the tears start flowing. Why damn it, why? Why did you have to break up? I don’t have the answers, and maybe I shouldn’t care. But I do. I cry harder, eventually falling asleep on the wet pillow.

Good start! Keep going, you have a great story forming.

The phone is ringing, piercing through a galaxy of dreams, a world away. Ignoring the phone, I turn over on my back, and then abruptly sit up on the bed, maybe it’s you calling.

“Hello?” Crossing my fingers, I hope it’s your voice I hear on the other end.

“Hey Lolita,” Shit, it’s not him. It’s my friend, Eva.

“Oh, it’s you.”

“So, um, how’s it going?” I can hear a hidden question in her voice.

“Fine,” I refuse to talk about what happened. In fact, I don’t want to talk to her. I just want to talk to you. “I have to go, talk to you later.” With that I hang up on her. I know it’s rude, but I don’t care.

The phone is ringing again, glaring at it, I pick up the receiver.

“Lo, I know you’re upset. But we have to talk.” It’s Eva again.

“What makes you think I’m upset? I’m fine.”

“I’m coming over, and then we’re going for lunch.”

“I’m not hungry.” I refuse to budge, even though my stomach is rumbling.

“I don’t care, I’m still coming. Be ready.” With that, she hangs up. Beep, beep, beep. Putting down the receiver in its cradle, I lie down on the bed, staring up at the stars.

I know you came to see me last night. You were there, in the midst of my dreams, my thoughts and memories. In the darkness of my dreams you came, casting a shimmering glow across my whole being. I know you did, because I felt the warmth of the glow spread all over my body, intoxicating my senses. You took away the cobwebs plaguing the corners of my mind, replacing them with silver glitter. I rose back to life, reaching out, beckoning you to take me to seventh heaven.

Tears start rolling down my face. That’s all I do these days, cry. Wiping tears off of my face, I sit up. I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to think about you. I slowly whisper to myself, becoming absorbed in the chant-like rhythm, rocking back and forward. Gradually, I calm down, and the tears stop coming.

Getting up, I head towards my walk-in closet, determined not to think about you. I look at the clothes I have and all I can see is different shades of pink. A pink and white t-shirt, a pink boho skirt, pale pink sandals, pink pants, everything’s pink. There are other colors too, but pink dominates my wardrobe. You always said you liked me in pink, that’s why, whenever I went shopping I would look for pink clothes. You’d always get pink clothes for me. Pulling out a fuchsia halter top, I put it against myself, looking into the mirror. It’s the top you got for me, just a few weeks ago. Sorrow overcomes me again, its twines pulling me into a vise-like grip, making it hard for me to breathe.

No, I whisper to myself, I’m not going to do this to myself. I’m going to be happy without you. First thing I’m going to do after I change into something decent, I promise myself, is go shopping with Eva. I need to get new clothes, new colors. No more pinks for me.

Settling on a turquoise top that I found in the back of the closet, after much searching, and a pair of faded jeans I go to the bathroom. After pulling on the clothes, I apply a bit of black eyeliner and to complete the look, I put on a pale peach lip gloss.

Sliding down onto the bathroom floor, I put my head down on my knees. I can't stand it. I can't live without you. Come back, Rayaan, please come back, I softly whisper, an endless supply of tears rolling down my face. I lick a tear off of my lips, it's salty, maybe you'll come back. You have to come back. I know you can't live without me. That's what you said when you proposed. I ram my fist on the floor, the stinging sensation satisfying.

The phone is ringing again, its persisting sound echoing into the bathroom. Getting up, I run to answer the phone. I know it's you. It has to be you this time.

"Hello?" I say into the phone, my breath coming out in short gasps.

"Lo?" There it is, your deep soothing voice. I knew you were going to come around, I think, a smile spreading across my face.

"Yeah?" I keep my voice disconnected; I can't let you know how excited I am to hear your voice.

"Lo, sweetie, I'm really sorry about yesterday. I don't know what got into me. You have to understand, it was all a mistake." Just say I love you, I silently scream.

"You call leaving me for someone else one month before our wedding a mistake?" I deliberately act cold, after all, you did hurt my feelings.

"I love you Lo, please forgive me. I can't explain it on the phone. I have to see you." His husky voice is turning my insides into soft gooey honey.

"Okay, but you'll have to take me out for lunch, and then I'll think about forgiving you."

"You got it. Be ready, I'll be there in half and hour."

The door bell's ringing. That's weird, I just talked to you, it can't be you. Then who is it?

this story has potenital and i look foward to reading it.

Thanks you guys. I'm glad you like it. I'll be posting more in a few days, I'll be looking forward to your opinion

silver*glitter wrote:A tear slips down my face.

Shouldn't it be: A tear slides down my face.

silver*glitter wrote:I slip it off my finger, clutching on it for a moment.

It should be: clutching onto it

silver*glitter wrote:You’re running a hand through her golden her

Correction: hair

silver*glitter wrote:"I have to go, talk to you later." With that I hang up on her. I know it's rude, but I don't care.

I think this line needs to continue with "Fine"…

silver*glitter wrote:I'm not going to think about him.

In other parts you refer to Lolita's ex as 'you' but here you say 'him'. It should say 'you', it'll flow better.

silver*glitter wrote:Till death do us part.

I think this would be better if it was a question: Till death do us part?

silver*glitter wrote:What made you think, that you

Take out the comma.

silver*glitter wrote:I keep my voice disconnected,

Please replace the comma with a semi-colon.

silver*glitter wrote:I deliberately act cold,

Please replace the comma with a semi-colon.

silver*glitter wrote:The door bell's ringing.

Correction: The doorbells ringing.

Like I said I don't usually read or review romance but this was great, I liked how you referred to Lolita's ex as 'you' instead of 'him', it was almost like you had written a letter to him to explain what you went through.

I liked how the second part ended, Lolita is so absorbed in meeting her ex that she had suddenly forgotten that her friend will be coming over.

I liked this a lot and can't wait to read the rest, if the start is this good the rest should flow beautifully.

I'm guessing you're writing from experience, you were hurt by someone you loved?

Hey Nefer, you're my new best friend:) Thank you so much!

You're welcome.

And you might want to think about posting a new topic for each chapter otherwise some people might miss them.

Wow, this is some seriously interesting work. I think it's very beautiful how the beginning is like a poem, and then you continue on with a realistic air. In my opinion, the last line in the first part should be a bit more abstract, like the rest of the first part, instead of down-to-earth, like it is.

Thanks, I'm glad you like it!

The doorbell rings again, and this time I realize that talking to you on the phone was only a figment of my mind. A mere imagination. I was just daydreaming, I whisper to myself. But it was so real, your voice is still vibrating in my mind. I can still feel the warmth of your voice spread through my entire being.

I’m still sitting on the bathroom floor, and you’re still with her. I hate you. Getting up from the floor, I grab the ceramic soap dish and hurl it onto the mirror, watching my reflection as it cracks up and shards of glass go flying all over the bathroom.

The doorbell is still ringing, cursing, I go to answer it.

“What?”

Standing there, in front of me is Eva, her sea-green eyes worried.

“Lo, are you okay? Why weren’t you answering the door?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Come on inside” No I’m not fine, I’m lost without you, Rayaan.

Stepping inside, she pulls me into a hug.

“I’m so sorry to hear what happened between you and Rayaan.” There we go again, sympathy. I don’t want sympathy. I want you.

“It’s okay. Doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Stop putting up the brave act in front of me okay? I’m your best friend, and you can talk to me about it. You can yell at me, if that’s going to make you feel better, just let your feelings out.”
“Eva, I’m sorry, but I’m just not ready to talk about this. It’s really nice of you to be there for me. But I want to be alone right now.” I can tell by the look in her eyes that she’s hurt.

“Please Lo, don’t shut me out.” She tries once more.

“No, I can’t talk right now. I need to be alone.”

“Okay, I’ll go right now. But if you ever need me, I’m always there for you.”

“Thank you for understanding.”

Pulling me into a hug, she tells me to take care of myself. I can tell she’s hurt, but I don’t care.

Back in my room, I sit on the bed, going through albums. You’re in every picture, in every memory you’re right beside me. Now you’re there, making new memories with her. What about our memories? Have you discarded them like old newspapers?

Sighing, I get up. I have to pick up the pieces of mirror, lying on the bathroom floor. It’s just like picking up the remains of our life together. No matter how hard I try, I can’t put the pieces back together, some pieces are missing. You’re missing.

I need to get out of here. I can’t stay here, too many memories. Everything reminds me of you. Your scent is embodied within the duvet, that musky, sexy scent of yours, the glowing stars reminds me of nights we spent together, the photos bring back times when you were happy with me. Even my clothes have memories attached with you.

I'm going to suffocate if I stay here any longer. I need to get out of this house. The walls are closing in on me, and your scent is strangling me. Grabbing my purse, I get out of the house.

Getting into my car, I drive aimlessly around the city. Putting on my favorite CD, I turn up the volume. Singing along the song, my spirit rises, I can do this I tell myself. I can live without you. There’s life without you too. You were just a part of my life, you weren’t my life.

But I know I’m lying to myself. I’m addicted to you. You are my life. I’ve transformed my life into the form of you. Beyond you, there’s nothing in my life, do you understand what I’m trying to tell you? Too bad there aren’t rehab centre for love addicts. I suppose that’s what you would call me. I’m not making sense, but then again, nothing makes sense without you.

I’ll find someone nicer, I tell myself. Someone who cares about me, I tell myself, someone who wouldn’t leave me for a blonde on pink heels. But I don’t want anyone else, I don’t want a prince charming, I don’t want a knight. I want you, just the way you are with all your sweet and sourness. I want everything back; I don’t even mind the fights, as long as you are with me. I don’t want perfection. Perfection is dull and plain. Imperfection is beauty, alive and vibrant.

There’s no such thing as falling out of love. Yes, you fall in love, but you don’t need to surface up to breathe, to find your own space. Love doesn’t strangle, it doesn’t close you up in an empty dark room.

I’m driving away from the city, away from you. I don’t know where I’m going. And I don’t care. There’s no one to go back home. I have no responsibilities, whatsoever. I was going to have responsibilities, when I was going to be your wife, the mother of your kids. But that just seems like a dream now. Stupid dreams.

I gave up my career for you. I gave up everything for you. Compromise. That’s what everyone told me, a marriage doesn’t last without compromise. All relationships need compromise from both sides. Where did compromise get me, life without you, no career, an empty house and broken dreams?

I keep my fist closed tight, afraid to let go of the memories. I know that if I open my hand, these memories would fly away like butterflies, taking away with them the enchantment, the colors. I can’t let go of the butterflies yet. I want to cherish these memories a bit more. I’ve already lost you; I can’t afford to lose these memories.

Memories are all I have left. Isn’t that a song? Sounds like a song. I start giggling, I have this whole life ahead of me and I have no idea what to do. I’m getting hysterical now. I mean, there you are, casually coming up to me, and telling me that the wedding’s off. The love is gone. You have a new girl. Her name’s Icil, you met her at some party. Like I want to know how you met her. You’re too bored of me.

My throat is hurting, tears springing to my eyes. No, I’m not going to cry, I whisper, brushing away the tears. I’m going to show you that I can live without you. And that I can have fun without you.

First, I have to go shopping. I hate my clothes. I need a new wardrobe. Maybe I should get a whole new look. I think I’ll get a haircut, and maybe I should get my hair dyed. Being a brunette is so boring. I wonder if you’d like me as a blonde. Maybe, just maybe you’ll come back.

hurl it onto the mirror

How about hurled it at the mirror?

I'm lost without Rayaan

Remember what I said about you actually writing to Rayaan and how you always refered to him as 'you'.

Well here you could say: I'm lost without you, Rayaan

It's just like picking up the remains of our life together. No matter how hard I try, I can't put the pieces back together, some pieces are missing.

I really liked this bit.

I'm going to suffocate, if I stay here any longer.

No need for the comma.

Perfection is dull, and plain.

This reads better without the comma.

I love how Lo changes her mind about Rayaan, first she hates him and doesn't want to think about him and then suddenly she loves him and wants everything to go back to how they were before.

There's not much else to comment on, good job.

Thanks Nef, I'm glad you like it

This is a very unique story you have come so far with and I really like it just i keep thinking that your character's line seem like they are talking as if robots

I love it! Keep on!