Young Writers Society

As I woke up I felt a pain shoot up my arm and looked for its source, it was a nurse whom was poking a needle into my arm. Panicking I began to flail and faintly heard a voice saying grab her, then everything went black.

The sun pouring into my eyes woke me next and I squinted as I opened my eyes. Looking at my wrist I saw a white bandage wrapped around and felt bad about what I had done.
"Ah your awake."
I looked up to see a very good looking doctor come into the room.
"Your lucky to be alive. They got you here just in time."
He than began to look at the clipboard he was carrying, coming to me he sat in the chair by me.
I caught a whiff of Old Spice and brushed teeth and wonderd how old this man was.
"How do you feel?"
"Like Ive been drugged."
He laughed and ran his hand through his black hair.
"Well thats pretty close to the truth, it took quite a bit of morphine to calm you down."
I smiled and asked
"Am I in trouble?"
Understanding what I had meant he just smiled and said
"Nah, but you'll have to go through some therapy."
I looked away and said
"Iam so stupid."
He took my hand and gave it a tight squeeze.j
"No your not, just a little misunderstood."
I shook my head and continued to let his hand hold mine in the tight embrace that made shiver.
"Why exactly did you do it though?"
"It just seemed like the thing to do at the moment. Once I started I couldnt quit and I never felt the pain."
It was then I began to cry, something I hadnt done in a long time.
"Dont worry I promise Ill help you get through this."
After a year of therpy and finally finishing high school I went to collage in Utah and began to live there, not ever talking to the doctor again except every once in a while on the phone and I never talked to my parents again. That was all fixen to change, the day my father died I recieved a call from my mother.

"Madison!"
I looked over and there admist the crowd was my mother whom didnt look very depressed.
"Hi mom." I said as I got to her, she looked great not a dead like or solemn as I rememberd her.
"Hey baby." she began to cry and took me into her arms.
"I was so proud when they told me you graduated from the univertey."
Growing anoyed by the sudden change in her personailty I said.
"Mom, whats going on?"
"What can I not be happy to see my only daughter who hasnt talked to me in three years?"
"You were never happy before?"
Her smile vanished and she replied with.
"Come on honey Ive changed and feel horrible about how I treated you in the past. So can we just start fresh and forget the past?"
It was then I realized Doctor Harris or Leo which I found out was his name was standing near her.
He smiled when I looked at him and I smiled back.
Walking to him I gave him a hug and said "Nice to see you."
"You too. Let me take your bag for you." My mother watching this happen simply sighed and and took my hand.
"Lets go to the car."
My thoughts were running through emotion after emotion of seeing Leo, you see years ago I had fallen in love with Leo, and now he was back in my life.

All I have time for

First off, I would suggest to you to either put your story all in one thread for the sake of continuity, or post it in chapters so it's easier to follow. That aside, I think this story could be very good. I admit that I haven't read any other parts of it, so I'm obviously a bit confused about everything, but I'm intrested in finding out.

Anyway, the mistakes are kinda spread out, so I'm just gonna post the whole thing, with spelling errors in red, and grammatical errors in green, with comments and suggestions in blue.
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The sun pouring into my eyes woke me, and I squinted as I opened my eyes. ::I might suggest making that last clause shorter and more active. For example, you could simply say "making me squint as I opened my eyes." This implies a relationship between the sun and squinting rather than squinting and opening your eyes.:: Looking at my wrist, I saw a white bandage wrapped around it and felt bad about what I had done. ::The phrase "felt bad" is rather bland and undescriptive. Try to think of something more emotional that will make your reader feel her remorse. You could even take out that last phrase describe the feeling of being sad. Did her heart drop into her stomach? Did she sniffle back tears? This kind of description brings the story to life and helps the reader relate.::

"Ah you're awake." ::Watch out for "your" when it should be "you're." Remember, you're your own person. You're is short for you are, while your indicates possesion.::

I looked up to see a very good looking doctor come into the room. ::"very good looking" is different for everyone, and doesn't necessarily create a picture. I skipped over this phrase entirely the first time around. Once again, description is key. Tell us what he looks like, not just that the narrator think's he looks "very good."::

"You're lucky to be alive. They got you here just in time." ::You're your own person.::

He then[/green] began to look at the clipboard he was carrying, coming to me he sat in the chair by me. [color=blue]::Then=afterwards, than=comparison. Also, that last phrase was redundant and a comma splice. It should read ". . . carrying. Walking over, he sat in the chair next to me." Or something like that.::

I caught a whiff of Old Spice and brushed teeth and wondered how old this man was. ::Not sure what you're saying here. Do old guys not brush their teeth? I'm guessing Old Spice reminds you of younger men, but that's not true of everyone. You need to make it clear what kind of age you think he is.::

"How do you feel?" ::You might want to add "he asked." here, for sake of making sure everyone knows what's happening. Same with the rest of your dialogue--just make sure it's absolutely clear that someone's talking and which character it is.::

"Like I've been drugged."

He laughed and ran his hand through his black hair. Normally, you'd run your fingers through your hair. I like how you introduced his hair color with an action, but a description was merited earlier anyway, so if you add that, you might not need it here. Anyway, if you type "hand" instead of "fingers," it gives me the impression of him putting his flat hand through his hair, like his palm. If that's what you meant... I guess that's fine lol.::

"Well thats pretty close to the truth; it took quite a bit of morphine to calm you down." ::If two phrases can be sentences by themselves, use a period, a semicolon, or use "and" and a comma.::

I smiled and asked, "Am I in trouble?" ::Should all be one line.::

Understanding what I XhadX meant he just smiled and said, "Nah, but you'll have to go through some therapy." ::See above.::

I looked away and said, "Iam so stupid." ::See above.::

He took my hand and gave it a tight squeeze.

"No you're not, just a little misunderstood." ::You're your own person.::

I shook my head and continued to let his hand hold mine in a tight embrace that made me shiver. ::I thought an embrace was either a hug or a kiss. If this is true, you'll need to change it. If not, nevermind me, I'm just a guy.::

"Why exactly did you do it though?"

"It just seemed like the thing to do at the moment. Once I started, I couldnt quit, and I never felt the pain."

It was then I began to cry, something I hadn't done in a long time.

"Dont worry, I promise I'll help you get through this."

After a year of therapy and finally finishing high school I went to college in Utah and began to live there, never talking to the doctor again except every once in a while on the phone and I never talked to my parents again. ::Whew, that was a long sentence! I would suggest breaking that down into two or three sentences.:: That was all fixen to change; the day my father died I recieved a call from my mother. ::The part I underlined is one of those phrases that only people from certain backgrounds use, or I guess slang would be another way to name it. It's good to use this in character dialogue, which could work here, but you don't really give the impression that the narrator is a speaking character so much as just a narrator. If you have her a bit more personality, this would be find. Also, I think it's spelled "fixin'."::[/blue]


"Madison!"
I looked over and there [color=red]amidst the crowd was my mother, who didn't look very depressed. ::Use "whom" when the person is being acted upon, but "who" when the person is doing the action. Basically, "who"="he" and "whom"="him."::

"Hi mom." I said as I got to her. She looked great, not dead-like or solemn, as I remembered her. ::"Dead-like" is, quite frankly, a horrible phrase. "Pale" or "exhausted" or something like that would be much better. Also, solemn means serious, and might not be the best word here. I'll leave that to your discretion.::

"Hey, baby," she said as she began to cry and took me into her arms. ::"Took me into her arms" could sound better as "Held me close" or even just "hugged me."::

"I was so proud when they told me you graduated from the university."

Growing annoyed by the sudden change in her personailty, I said, "Mom, whats going on?" ::One line.::

"What? Can't I be happy to see my only daughter, who hasn't talked to me in three years?"

"You were never happy before?" ::Hold up. Was that supposed to be a question? It seems more like a statement than a question.::

Her smile vanished and she replied with, "Come on honey, I've changed, and feel horrible about how I treated you in the past. So can we just start fresh and forget the past?" ::Don't forget, the dialogue goes on the same line as the "she said" kind of verbs. Also, you said "the past" twice really close together. Might wanna change that.::

It was then I realized Doctor Harris or Leo which I found out was his name was standing near her.

He smiled when I looked at him and I smiled back.

Walking to him I gave him a hug and said "Nice to see you."

"You too. Let me take your bag for you." My mother watching this happen simply sighed and and took my hand.

"Lets go to the car."

My thoughts were running through emotion after emotion of seeing Leo, you see years ago I had fallen in love with Leo, and now he was back in my life.

::This whole last section seems a bit lifeless or something to me. For one thing, the first sentence should read, "It was then I realized that Doctor Harris--I (had found? Later found?) his name was Leo--was standing near her." Probably "next to her" or "close by" would work better. "Walking to him" should be "towards" and needs a comma after it; so does "said" in that same sentence. The next sentence would read better as "'You too,' he said, 'Let me take your bag for you.' My mother, watching this happen, simply sighed and took my hand." The last sentence seems really rushed, and you seem to have pulled their love out of thin air. I mean, if they're in love, why didn't she know his name? Or had she known that for a long time? "emotion after emotion of seeing Leo" should be something like "a rainbow of emotions about Leo" or something like that. The phrase "you see" seems kinda old and tacky to me, as if you're trying to sound smarter or more professional or something, I don't know. In any case, you should make it sound more like you're telling us new information about an already-introduced character instead of more information about a new character. It sounds like you're saying, "Here's this guy Leo that I fell in love with," when you should be saying, "Remember that Doctor Harris? Well his first name is Leo and I fell in love with him years ago." Of course, say it better than I said it, but I hope you get my point.::
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To sum it all up, I think this could make an intriguing story, but I'd like to see a bit more character development and a lot more description. And don't forget, You're your own person!

this is good, but there needs to be more of it so keep writing.........

and bobo, can you just bold it next time, all the colors hurt my eyes and make it harder for me to read, they sorta blur together...