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Wed Jul 21, 2010 4:07 pm
Kiwisatsuma says...



Well, this is a product of me being a hopeless romantic and listening to too much Taylor Swift. Rated 12+ for one use of bad language. Criticism is muchly muchly appreciated :)

Jenny and Sam sit curled up on the sofa, warm and comfortable while outside the rain pounds against the window. "Some storm, huh?" he says, stroking her auburn hair absentmindedly.

"Have you ever danced in a thunderstorm?" she asks, sitting up with that spark in her eye that means she's planning some madcap scheme.

"Why would I?" Sam replies suspiciously. "They're wet. And loud."

"Yeah, but it's so romantic. And I want to see the lightning." She jumps up and draws the curtain back, peering outside.

"Aww, come and sit down, Jen. The pizza's nearly ready."

"You and your pizza," she rolls her eyes. "Come on, haven't you heard the thunder?" As she speaks another streak flashes momentarily, followed immediately by the crash of thunder. "It's overhead!"

"Y'know, funnily enough I have," Sam says mildly. His stomach rumbles. "If you want to dance, go dance. Have fun." She shakes her head.

"I want to dance with you."

"In a thunderstorm?"

"In a thunderstorm."

"Fine then." He relents, as he always does, and Jenny's face lights up as she grabs his hands and drags him into the corridor. Sam reaches for an anorak, but she continues dragging him along. "Hello? It's soaking out there!"

"Stop complaining, you wimp. You look sexy in a wet shirt." She gives him a wicked smile and pulls the front door key off the hook.

He blushes a little and then pauses. "Hey, is that why you spilt ribena on me at lunch break last week?"

"Oh, shush, you." Jenny says, pushing open the door. The driving rain hits them in the face and and a gust of wind bangs the door against the wall. Sam gives Jenny a pleading look. "You know those puppy dog eyes don't work on me. Come on!" She dashes off down the driveway, dress billowing around her knees. Sam stares after her helplessly for a few seconds and then hurries after her, closing the door behind him.

He steps out into the street and sees Jenny standing under a streetlight, lit up by its orange glow, with heavy drops of rain splattering onto her. She's staring out at the skyline, her lips curving up into a smile. Sam is happy to stand there just watching her, and the blue-white forks of lightning reflected in her flickering eyes. Thunder rumbles above them and it seems to Sam that Jenny and the storm are made of the same stuff: excitement and madness and electricity, fire and water at the same time. He wants to tell her this but he can't put it into words, so he mumbles, "You look beautiful."

She jumps and turns round, and then beams at him. "Come on then, let's dance!" She steps up close, wrapping herself around him with her hair streaming over his chest and slowly they stumble around. They need music, Sam decides, and he begins to hum the first thing that comes into his head. Their footsteps synchronise and after a few more steps Jenny looks up at him suddenly.

"Sammy, are you singing Lady Gaga?" she asks, giggling.

"No!" he says hurriedly, feeling the tips of his ears go pink.

"You are! It's okay, we can both sing!" she says, laughing more, and he laughs too in spite of everything. "Just dance, it'll be okay," she sings, loudly and wildly out of key, her voice bouncing off the paving slabs.

"Just dance, spin that record babe," he joins in reluctantly, his voice gradually rising in volume. She grabs his hand and spins round and round, and he wraps an arm around the lamp post and spins around it, feeling a rush of elation and gratitude that he has Jenny, wonderful, insane Jenny, with whom he can prance around like an idiot with on a stormy night. She stops spinning and stumbles dizzily into his arms.

"You're brilliant, you know that Sammy?" she whispers in his ear, lurching crazily. "Everyone else thinks I'm a nutter but you're different."

"You are a nutter," he replies. "You're a total nutter."

She tilts her head up slowly and he puts an arm around her and their lips meet, bumping together awkwardly. There are no fireworks, no crazy feeling of being lifted off his feet, just a fierce joy rising in Sam's chest and nothing exists except him and her and the feel of Jenny's mouth on his, Jenny's tongue slipping his teeth, Jenny's soft little giggle into his mouth, and it makes him clutch her shoulders harder and pull her closer because he doesn't want this to end, ever. I love you, he thinks, but he doesn't say it because it's too soon and he doesn't want to spoil this moment when it's the most perfect thing he's experienced in all his fifteen years. The rain pelts down harder than ever and by now they're both soaked through and frozen to the core, but Sam doesn't care because he can feel Jenny warm and soft and solid against him, curving into him, her eyelashes fluttering against his cheek.

In this moment Sam knows, he knows it with a conviction clearer than anything else he's felt, that he'll follow Jenny wherever she chooses to drag him, even if she wants to climb Mount Kilimunjaro or something ridiculous like that, because only she makes him feel this way, drunk on happiness and fizzing all over.

Eventually, too soon, they break away for air and Sam sighs a little and looks at his watch. "We'd better get back," he says regretfully, so they hurry home and slink inside like wet dogs, leaving a trail of damp footsteps on the carpet. Jenny sniffs, and opens the kitchen door and a cloud of black smoke escapes. They share a look of horror. Sam slowly mouths a long, ominious, oh as he realises that the foul burning smell is the pizza that he put in forty minutes ago. He opens the oven door, waving his arm frantically to dispel more smoke, and stares at the charred, blackened thing that was once a pepperoni pizza. "Well, that's tea gone..." he says, turning to look at Jenny for what to do next. She raises an eyebrow.

"Don't ask me, doofus," she says, wrinkling her nose. "I said we should have sandwiches." Sam looks at Jenny, and then at the pizza, and then back at Jenny, and starts to laugh. She joins in, making a tiny little snorting noise, which just makes him laugh more until Sam can't take it any more and he sinks to the floor, sides aching. Jenny flops down on top of him, her elbow sticking into his stomach and they sit there, the kitchen still filled with smoke, laughing so much it hurts.

The doorbell rings.

"Shit," Sam says. "That's Mum." Jenny clambers off him, struggling to disentangle their limbs, and hurriedly opens the windows and shuts the oven door.

The door opens and Sam's mum bustles in. "I hope you've been good, kids - what is that smell? Samuel Davidson, have you set the house on fire?" She sets her shopping bags down on the hallway, frowning at the trail of footprints leading to the kitchen, and fixes her eyes on Sam.

"Um..." Sam stares at the floor.

"It was my fault, Mrs. Davidson," Jenny interrupts. Sam's mum switches her glare to Jenny, who looks back unafraid. "Erm, we put the pizza in the oven but then I remembered I'd left my, I'd left my scarf outside so we had to go look for it, but it'd got blown away and it took longer than we thought and when we got back the pizza was burning."

"Well," Sam's mum says, giving them both a 'you two are idiots, I should have expected that I suppose' look which makes Sam squirm, "You'd better phone your parents, Jenny. And take those wet shoes off, both of you."

Sam and Jenny head gratefully down the hallway. "You could've just told her the truth." Sam points out, tugging at his trainers ineffectually.

Jenny gives him a secret smile. "It was our thing. You can't tell anyone else about it, otherwise it stops being so special." She tugs on her raincoat. "I'll catch the bus, Mrs. Davidson," she calls to the kitchen, where Sam's mum is unpacking the groceries. "See you tomorrow Sammy." They pause awkwardly for a second then she leans in and pecks him swiftly on the lips.

"See you Jen." Sam grins at her and puts his hands in his pockets. Jenny waves and whirls out the door, leaving Sam standing on the staircase.

"So, did you have a nice time?" his mum calls. "She seems like a nice girl."

"Oh, yeah," he calls back. "Jenny's... Jenny's.... Jenny's awesome." Memories of them dancing, kissing, arguing, laughing, come to mind and he finds himself still struggling to process the realisation he had earlier. I'm in love with her. I'm in love with the most deranged, bossy, wonderful girl I've ever met. And... I think - I hope - I think she likes me.

---

Thanks for reading :smt001
  





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Wed Jul 21, 2010 10:15 pm
L5na2 says...



Okay I like the concept behind this and I really like the feel of Sammy's character so innocent. But just a few things I'd like to point out... I would have said that Jenny and Sam sat on the warm, comfortable sofa listening to the rain that pounded against the window and the undeniable sound of thunder.
With that spark that meant she was coming up with some madcap scheme.
"You know funny enough I have,".
Take out the raindrops hitting Jenny in the face because we know it's raining already.
I really like this story and hope you choose to continue.
  





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Thu Jul 22, 2010 1:28 pm
Nike says...



This is amazing! I love it. The whole 'hopeless romantic' thing is great! You can edit some things by re-reading it and what L5na2 said. Keep Writing! I hope you make another chapter!
Nike :)
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Thu Jul 22, 2010 1:43 pm
AngerManagement says...



Awww, this really made me smile. At first when I skimmed through this I was like *groan*. I thought it was long and I wasn't going to finish reading it. But I really liked it, and I finished reading it. And it was the cutest thing i've ever read and I loffs it. I dont get how the name of the story has anything to do with what happened in the story. I liked the characters and I thought they conversed well. The dialogue was fun and easy to follow.

Keep Writing.

Anger.:D
Dont tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass.

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Thu Jul 22, 2010 2:32 pm
Mysty says...



Overall, I think it's a very sweet concept for a story. I myself love fluffy romance stories, the kind that just make you feel good all around. However I'd have to say the prose is kind of choppy, and even though this is the kind of thing I like, it doesn't particularly stand out to me among other things like it. So I guess my advice is to smooth out the prose and maybe find your voice so that this is different from other stories. Different is what catches people's attention, after all!
  





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Fri Jul 23, 2010 11:48 am
Kiwisatsuma says...



Thanks for the reviews! I'll bear in mind what people have said about changing stuff and smoothing out the prose. :)
  





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Sat Jul 24, 2010 12:01 pm
Winchester says...



Kiwisatsuma wrote:Well, this is a product of me being a hopeless romantic and listening to too much Taylor Swift. Rated 12+ for one use of bad language. Criticism is muchly muchly appreciated :)I like you already, Taylor is awsome! i dont think it has to be a 12+ though



"Don't ask me, doofus," she says, wrinkling her nose. "I said we should have HAD (it didn't make sense) sandwiches." Sam looks at Jenny, and then at the pizza, and then back at Jenny, and starts to laugh. She joins in, making a tiny little snorting noise, which just makes him laugh more until Sam can't take it any more and he sinks to the floor, sides aching. Jenny flops down on top of him, her elbow sticking into his stomach and they sit there, the kitchen still filled with smoke, laughing so much it hurts.



---

Thanks for reading :smt001


That is sooooo cute, i loved it and i love the dancing in the rain, i did it last week but i didn't have a boy to do it with :)
One thing, to me it sounded like it was written in a script but in paragraphs but thats just me,

Really good job here
Over and Out
Rebel :)
"Winner, winner, chicken dinner" Wise words said by the one and only, Dean Winchester.
  





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Sun Jul 25, 2010 5:28 am
Yuriiko says...



Hello there!

Here to review.

The main thing that attracted me to read this was your title. I actually do have the same title of yours. Check out my portfolio if you want to see it and not to mention, it was too inspired by Taylor Swift!


Now, on to the reviews...


First of all, this is quite cute. Though a bit cliche' because I could see some scenes in which it has the same concept as with the 80's movies and everything. But you don't need to worry because I think you wrote it very well. Also, the flow is good, there are no awkward sentences that I could see. The only thing I want to talk about is that, this seemed a bit unrealistic. Unrealistic to the part that there were only quite emotions going throughout in your story and it could've been better if you state to us a glimpse of their background relationship. And the voice of your main character is quite weak, for a boy obviously. And as with the girl, she's okay. Lastly is that, you generally do the telling part. You didn't have the time to show us their faces and the cold rain. Did it give a shiver down their spine? Their heart skipped a beat, something like that. Though you did mention some things similar to that, it seemed not enough.

All in all, this is a good read. PM me for questions and hope I helped. :D

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal
  





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Sun Jul 25, 2010 11:47 pm
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Squall says...



Hey there.

I was interested with your "thunderstorm" idea, but I don't get why you decided to abandon it and instead turned it into generic hog wash? It had a lot of potential, and there would of been quite a bit you should of said for this little metaphor of yours.

It would of also fitted the theme of being "fearless" much more. Just think, dancing in a thunderstorm. Takes some guts no?

Andy.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."
  





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Mon Sep 06, 2010 7:02 pm
ultraviolet says...



Hi!

The Song

I'm actually quite a big Taylor Swift fan and know this song well. It works well with it, goes off of it nicely. My only thing -- and this is only going off of the song -- the second half, after they get back, doesn't really go with it all. It's nice, but it doesn't work with the song. However, that doesn't mean you have to take it away, but I promised an in depth review, so I'm pointing out the little things like this.

Grammar

Your grammar is excellent. The only thing I noticed that wasn't quite right was

'you two are idiots, I should have expected that I suppose'


It has a comma splice and is missing punctuation. It should be, "'You two are idiots. I should have expected that, I suppose.'"

Descriptions

You have some nice descriptions here. I could picture everything really well, in this. One line I like specifically (though I'm not sure it technically counts as description) is,

Thunder rumbles above them and it seems to Sam that Jenny and the storm are made of the same stuff: excitement and madness and electricity, fire and water at the same time.


Characters

Your characters seem well-developed. They each have personalities, especially Jenny. My only thing is, I don't really know Sam that well. At first he had to be dragged out, then he went all hopeless romantic. I feel like you're giving us conflicting images. I'd suggest evening him out a bit, not just having him say the right thing at the right time to fit the story. Make sure it's him that would say the thing, not that you're putting things in his mouth that he wouldn't say -- or think. Readers know when a character is acting out of character.

Overall

This is a very cute piece. It's really nice. Not perfect, but adorable, has a good flow, and is overall a good read. *likes*

loveness, ultraviolet
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com
  





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Sat Sep 11, 2010 11:36 am
borntoshop says...



Awwwwah <3 this is so cute, i really love it!!
Only one thing i picked up on. When Sam's mum told them to take their wet shoes off i found it a little weird she only said shoes. What about their wet clothes?
:D
  





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Mon Sep 13, 2010 7:04 pm
Kagi says...



Woah,swell story!
You got great talent and they story lacks nothing! I'm really impressed.. The detail was great and very moving. I felt as though I was there. You know, that felling where you almost want to tbe the person?! Well I felt that.
You even got across the feeling of happiness and craziness that Jen possesed. That she was outgoing and hyper but pretty and preppy. I really liked it and felt your ending was just perfect and well written.
Keep writing,
and good luck with your next peice..
Kaka x
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If, when you mean to type yes you type yws, you know you belong. :P
  





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Mon Sep 13, 2010 11:14 pm
ASH1397 says...



First off: I have a very proud honor to say that you did wondeful on the rain scene. It was very captivating and romantic and gave me a pretty good idea to do for a romance scene of my own. I think you could have expanded a lot more on the details of Jenny and Sam like their features and such. Also, you did wonderful on the exiting of Jenny and you can make several more short stories of your love birds. It is quite a start! You have very good tastes. Any questions, don't hesitate to PM me.
Helpless Romantic With You,
ASH.
And just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she turned into a beautiful butterfly.
  





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Tue Sep 14, 2010 2:50 am
GirlInTheMirror says...



awwww... The ending makes me melt like the softy that I am. I really like how Sam is kind of awkward and less adventurous and just kind of normal where as the girl is crazy and take charge. The role reversal is fresh and true to life. I also really liked the funny dialogue between the two of them. It kind of reminds me of my favorite but discontinued show Gilmore Girls, with its quick back and forths. The one critique that I would give, and I had to really search to find it, was how when Sam's mother comes home she immediately asks if Sam caught the house on fire. This seems odd for a parent to say because obviously the house is not on fire, there are no fire trucks, no one is panicking, etc. and since she seems to be such an authoritative and serious woman, I can't imagine her saying that line sarcastically. No matter how you spin it, that line just doesn't make sense to me. Besides that, the story is awesome!
  





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Sun Sep 19, 2010 11:33 am
Georgiexx says...



Heya Kiwisatsuma,
Firstly, i just wanted to say how much i loved your story, it made me smile and turning into the softy i really am.
I didnt notice anything really wrong with your grammar or spelling, so well done.

The only critical thing that i actually have to say is,
And take those wet shoes off, both of you."

If they had just been outside and soaked through, Sammy's mum would have told them to change not just take off wet shoes. I can see your point in taking off the wet, dirty shoes but maybe either get rid of it or expand.

Anyway, i hope i helped. Feel free to PM me. Keep Writing.
Love Georgiexx
Today im happier than a bird with a french fry ;)
  








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