Young Writers Society

This is an assignment for school where we're supposed to write a short story influenced by a love component. As I cannot write love without a 'lil bit of action, I decided to place a twist to it. Can you please just tell me if you like it and what you think I could improve on.

Just note, it cannot be more then 600 words and I've already past that by eleven words.

Killing for Love

Rating: 12+ Minor Swearing and gore scenes.

Sypnosis: A serial killer is on the loose in modern day Texas. Driven by the motive of love, Dante - a badly abused boy - murders the people that destroyed his relationship with his love of his life, Raina.

______________________

I drove the dagger deep into his heart, watching as he squirmed in pain and shock. I began to cackle as his blood splattered over the wall and slid down towards the floor like tears. His hands dropped from around my neck and his eyes grew distant. Pulling the blade out from his chest, I let his body collapse towards the ground, smearing the feathered, pink carpet. My hands began to shake with power, relishing in the fact I had killed him.

"You brought this upon yourself," I said letting the moon's rays wash over me. Looking through my mahogany fringe, a cynical smile spread across my face.

Looking at my blade with disgust; I shook it so that some of the blood dispatched and fell over his body. Turning my back to him, I let my shoulders sag, fingering the bruise on my cheek where that son of a bitch had struck me. It hadn't hurt, and I had given him a scare when I shook it off like it was nothing. Dad would dish out much worse at home, so I was practically immune to feeble beatings.

Cracking my knuckles, I moved towards a picture frame that had caught my eye before I had pounced onto my prey. I felt my heart skip a beat. There she was, my beautiful Raina. Next to her, with his arm slung around her neck was the dick himself. They had been best friends since first grade, and Raina did everything he said. Even leave me! It was sickening that he had such a huge effect on her.

"Not anymore!" I laughed savagely.

Stabbing at the picture, the blade pierced through his heart, some of his blood dripping onto it. Bringing it up to my lips, I kissed Raina, dragging my finger down the shattered glass plane. She was so beautiful! Long brown hair framing her face with curls; she was the dreamiest girl in the world. I sighed. I would touch her body, again. Slide my lips against hers and feel the tingles in my stomach when she put her fingers through my hair and said she loved me...When I took out the bastards who stood in our way, she'd be all mine!

The old father clock suddenly burst to life, cracking as midnight approached. Shuddering, I leaned against the wall not wanting to return to home where I would be beaten for returning late. I glanced back down at the picture. It had broken my heart when she had deserted me that late summer’s day.

“I love you, Dante, I really do! It’s just-” She paused rolling her neck as she tried to choose the right words. “-I need a little break. My school grades are starting to drop and so is my sporting career…”

I had tuned out once she had said ‘little break’. It was like the whole world was collapsing in on itself. My heart went all funny. It fluttered then began to twist as if she had reached into my body and taken it from me personally. I began to shake my head, grabbing onto her arms as if that would keep her close to me.

“But, we’re in love!” I said, though knowing that the attempt was useless.

“I’m not leaving you; it’s just a little break.” Raina went onto her toes and pecked me lightly on the cheek. “Goodbye, Dante.”

It was because of him that she had left me. I kicked at his dead body watching as it shook from impact. Turning to look into the moon, I clenched my fist around the dagger. It was because of all those bastards! I grinned, murderously. With them all gone, she’d be mine once more for all eternity.

I liked this alot, I could really feel the conflicting pain from Dante. I like his aggressivness. Good job! keep it up!

Hey Apple, long time no chat!

I just wanted to say this was bloody good. Hehe see my pun. I like the way you spun the words so that it felt like we were Dante. For some reason, I don't really like Raina. How could she leave him? He seems so sweet, except the homocidal part.

I can't actually find any errors, so I can't really pin you up on anything, but I can like your work!

Thanks Angel and Daisy! Those reviews really helped lift my spirits.

This was really good. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

Looking at my blade with disgust; I shook it so that some of the blood dispatched and fell over his body.

This was the only mistake I found. It can either be two seperate sentences or have a colon in the middle to make it run-on.

~brea.

Stabbing! Blood! Yes! How romantic! ;D
I liked this a lot. [8
But a 600-word limit for a short story seems a bit cruel, don't you think?

Anyway...

"Not anymore!" I laughed murderously.

I grinned, murderously.

Repeated use of the word murderously. I'd probably remove just the first one because it's much closer to the murder scene, and it's a given that Dante is feeling...murderous.

“But, we’re in love!” I said uselessly.

Uselessly, here, doesn't make much sense. It's as if the MC himself was being useless. Maybe you could say, 'I said, though knowing the effort was useless,' or something like that.

I sighed, fondly.

Yeah, I know, sorry. I like to pick at -ly adverbs. xD But I don't feel that fondly is necessary because the way he thought about the picture showed me that he was indeed fond of Raina.

I can't think of much else to mention. It was great (especially with gory, blood-filled goodness). Keep writing!

Thanks Soy!

I took your advice and changed what was needed. I do tend to repeat myself, all the time! Also, thank you Brea. I changed the little colon thing-o. Damn, I always thought I was on top of those things.

I really liked this! When I was reading the first few lines, I thought that this guy was just crazy and really evil, but as your piece went on, his loving side came out when he saw her picture. I would never have thought of that! Your writing style is very dramatic and moving. Keep on writing!

Thanks!

Apppleeeeeee Hi.

I'm here to review as requested. Congrats on getting featured, by the way!

I drove the dagger deep into his heart, watching as he squirmed in pain and shock. I began to cackle as his blood splattered over the wall and slid down towards the floor like tears. His hands dropped from around my neck and his eyes grew distant. Pulling the blade out from his chest, I let his body collapse towards the ground, smearing the feathered, pink carpet. My hands began to shake with power, relishing in the fact I had killed him.

How romantic. The reason I italicised the part I did italicised was because if you stab someone in the chest, I'm not sure how the blood would squirt onto the wall. I'm assuming that the wall is behind the guy, otherwise the person stabbing him would have to be in the wall or something... Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

"You brought this upon yourself," I said, letting the moon's rays wash over me.

Looking at my blade with disgust, I shook it so that some of the blood dispatched and fell over his body.

Dad would have dished out much worse at home, so I was practically immune to feeble beatings.

Bringing it up to my lips, I kissed Raina, dragging my finger down the shattered glass plane. She was so beautiful.

I thought that a period was more effective here.

Slide my lips against hers and feel the tingles in my stomach when she put her fingers through my hair and said she loved me...When I took out the bastards who stood in our way, she'd be all mine.

TI once again changed the exclamation mark to a period. xD This is a matter of opinion thing, but I'm not keen on many, if any, exclamation marks in writing unless it's in dialogue.

Shuddering, I leaned against the wall, not wanting to return to home where I would be beaten for returning late.

I found this sentence rather blunt. It kind of gives the impression that your MC being beaten doesn't actually bother him much because he's saying it so simply. I'm not sure if that makes sense...

“I love you, Dante, I really do! It’s just-” She paused, rolling her neck as she tried to choose the right words. “-I need a little break. My school grades are starting to drop and so is my sporting career…”

I had tuned out once she had said ‘little break’. It was like the whole world was collapsing in on itself. My heart went all funny. It fluttered then began to twist as if she had reached into my body and taken it from me personally. I began to shake my head, grabbing onto her arms as if that would keep her close to me.

I'm finding the way he sometimes expresses things kind of girly. The heart fluttering thing, for example.

“But, we’re in love!” I said, though knowing that the attempt was useless.

This comma isn't needed.

It was because of him that she had left me. --- New paragraph here --- I kicked at his dead body watching as it shook from impact. Turning to look into the moon, I clenched my fist around the dagger. It was because of all those bastards! I grinned, murderously. With them all gone, she’d be mine once more for all eternity.

Overall

As a whole, I thought that this was pretty good, Apple! I adored the idea behind the story, the concept, and the plot of it. They're basically all of the same things... but you get the idea. There's something about murderous lovers that just makes me smile. I liked the MC because he did seem genuinely deranged and it seemed to fit him well. I have to actually disagree with what some of the others said when they mentioned that Donte was loving... I'd go for more of an obsessive kind of thing. That is no way a bad thing though. Like I said before, deranged lovers make me happy. It's kind of annoying because most of the critiques I want to give you can't be solved because of the fact that your word limit sucks like a lemon. For example, I'd like to see some more of Donte's home life with his abusive father. I know you can't show that though because you only have 600 words. If you do plan on extending this or something, I'd strongly suggest that you add some more details in the story.

The only critique I have for you that doesn't involve you extending this is the fact that it kind of felt like the POV was a girls one. The problem is that I'm not too sure on how to advise you to wound more guyish. It's a really hard thing to give advice on because, well, I'm a girl, so I don't know how guys think. Don't get me wrong, I've seen and read much worse cases of this, but I did notice it in this piece. I think that it's the minor issues that make the POV in this edge on female. For example, that part that I noted about where Donte was describing how his heart felt when Raina broke up with him. It wasn't because you mentioned his heart, but the way you phrased it that seemed a tad bit girly. I feel really useless because this is something I suck at giving advice on. I myself struggle an awful lot when I'm trying to write in the POV of a guy. I think you just have to bare in mind that you need to be careful of the little details, making sure that it does in fact sound like a guy is saying or thinking them.

Other than that, there's nothing else I really have to say. I really did enjoy this, especially the violence in it. Violence and obsession is a beautiful thing. All that you need to do is to keep on taking reviewers advice and edit this up a bit. If you do that, this could end up being a really great piece of writing here. Sorry this review's a bit short and it kind of sucks...

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

That was fun! I liked Dante a lot, very interesting character, and it was a good five minute thrill ride! However, it gave me chills at the start of it, 'cause I very recently read a book about a serial killer named Squeegel. *shudder, Level 26!

You writing was very well written. Your descriptions were limited but they were still well written. The general idea was great and was very insightful. You should use more vocabulary and then add more to your sentences. Good luck in the future and have fun writing.

Thanks guys for the helpful comments.

I hate word limits to, Skins. I was going to write about his family but then I noticed I had gone well over the mark and had to cut some things. Guy's POV was never my strong point, especically since I am a chick. I'll try and make him a little bit more guy-ish.

'cause I very recently read a book about a serial killer named Squeegel.

I think I know what you're talking about, Way. I think Raz told me about this one, or was that something else? IDK! XD But thanks anyway, I did try to make it terrifying at the start.

And lastly, Alita. I would love to place thing into thorough depth but as I pointed out before; the word limit. My teacher told me if I go over it again, I'll be marked down so I'm not going to try anything funny. Thanks for the advice though, I will definitely go through with it if I decide to post this as a novel/novella.

Dante is such a sweetie-pie!
Except for the whole killing thing.
That was very, very, very good! I love the way it's written, so the reader feels like they actually are Dante. That was pretty intense.
Your description and everything is spot on, written perfectly!
Good job!
~WickedWonder

Thanks!