Young Writers Society

He stared at her, his eyes sad and lonely. Oh how he wanted her, but he was too scared to do anything. She was a pretty girl in his eyes, others saw her as plain but he didn't. He found her magnificent, her eyes, green flecked with brown and gold... her hair a deep auburn, coming just below her shoulders. She was short, and plump, but he didn't care. She was his angel.

She glanced at him, blushing at his gaze. She loved him, but she was too afraid of what he might think. He was a geek, but she didn't care. He was tall and thin, glasses and messy hair. His hair was a deep brown, almost black, his eyes blue as the sky. He was her angel.

He was smart. She was artistic. It was destined to be, but who knows what might happen between them.


Her friends spotted the exchange and gave each other a knowing grin. They huddled together and planned and plotted.

She watched them nervously and then let her gaze travel back to him. He met her gaze with a shy smile, a handsome smile she thought to herself. She smiled back slowly, then turned away shyly as her friends smiled knowingly at her. Wrapping their arms around her they hauled her away from him as he stared, shocked and sad at her disappearance.

He almost let a scream out as someone from behind him grabbed him and hauled him off as well. He was soon blindfolded and being led somewhere, a place far away. He felt his body get stripped of clothing and soon a different set pulled on. He tried to get the blindfold off but his hands were soon tied. Once again he was led to a place, a house by the sound of it as he walked up a drive. His hands were untied and he was shoved through the door as the blindfold came off. There was his angel, waiting for him.

She wondered what they were doing to her. She was blindfolded and dragged somewhere, she felt a manicure being done, then her hair. She shivered as she was stripped down, then something light and smooth pulled over her form. She was led somewhere else, her house by the sense of it. She was put inside and the blindfold came off, her friends sat her down on a couch and smiled. She folded her hands in her lap as she looked at her dress shyly. A silk peach gown, perfect for the upcoming dance. She glanced up and there he was. Her love... her Romeo.

He walked towards her, the dress making her even more radiant as he kneeled in front of her, no words were spoken for all was told with their eyes. He stood up and offered a hand, she took bashfully. He pulled her in close and stared into a beautiful green eyes, his own brimming with the love that he held for her. He leaned closer and pressed his lips to her soft, perfect ones, kissing her very gently, almost as if he was afraid to break her.

She blushed a pretty pink at his kiss. Looking up into his eyes she hoped he saw what she felt for him. He did, they kissed again, and hand in hand, walked out of the house and into the waiting limo with all her friends. The night was perfect, they danced many slow dances together. Though this is not the end, it never does.

An angel had found her wings. soared that night, with her one true love carrying her high across the starry sky, forever.

This was a little... uhm. Sweet for my taste. I may be bitter from one failed relationship after another--things (realistically) almost never work out as perfect and wonderful as they did in this story. But I'll try to push that aside and just try to analyze the writing.

The writing on this is pretty solid. Yes, you can fit words into sentences and have a fairly extensive vocabulary--now let's see you place a comma. I found a bunch of errors dealing with punctuation. For example:

Once again he was led to a place, a house by the sound of it as he walked up a drive. His hands were untied and he was shoved through the door as the blindfold came off.

This should read: Once again, he was lead to a place--a house by the sound of it--as he walked up the drive. His hands were untied, and he was shoeved through the door as the blindfold came off."
If you don't want to use the dashes, try putting parenthesis around (a house by the sound of it) or even commas.

Looking up into his eyes she hoped he saw what she felt for him.

I would make this change: Looking up into his eyes, she hoped he saw what she felt for him.


There are a bit more punctuation errors, but I don't really have the time as of this second to pick them all out. My advice would be to skim through a grammar unit on punctuation--you'd be surprised how impeccable grammar can really boost a reader's opinion of your story.


On a different note:
As people in fanfiction land would say, your piece was very fluffy. Not that it's a bad thing--I just don't personally enjoy fluff. Dialogue and emotion, in my opinion, would have made your story a much better (and certainly more interesting) read. If you're interested in hearing what I personally would do to amend this--let me know.

If not, that's cool too. Good luck in the future!

haha.. I was in a very... fluffy mood... sorry ^-^, after writing the forest of darkness for a time, writing about deciption and false lovers, I had to write something good... and fluffy....

AWWWWWWWWW...!!! lovin it. very sweet.

Nah,this one is very well written. I loved it very much. I found that it is 'uniquely' written. I mean I'm okay reading the whole story without the dialogues though. As long as you can keep the readers to read till the end of the story then that shouldn't be a problem. And this is my favorite.

An angel had found her wings. soared that night, with her one true love carrying her high across the starry sky, forever.

<3