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Don't Ask.



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Sat Dec 18, 2010 10:23 pm
TabbyGirl says...



I'm not sure if this counts as romantic or not, but that seemed to be the category it fit in best... I think it has a slightly goofy tone at parts, but that's just how I write... I write a lot of first-person, and whenever I don't I usually write third-person limited, here I'm trying third-person omniscient, tell me what you think. You probably won't get the title... it's a personal reference.
~~~~~~~~~~


Delilah sat in the teacher’s workroom, a half-written essay in front of her. She stared at the clock and chewed on the end of her pencil. One minute, she thought, one minute till third period... Nine-fourteen and a half… Nine fifteen… any second now, and- a bell rang in the hall. She picked up her things, then stood there a moment. Maybe Miss Neighbors forgot about me… she thought hopefully.

At around nine-sixteen the door to the teachers work room swung open, and Allen Matts walked in.

“What are you doing here, Matts?” Delilah asked him, her voice was low and unemotional; however her heart was pounding against her rib cage.

Allen closed the door behind him and replied, “Miss Neighbors wanted you to know the essay’s for homework, due tomorrow, if you’re not done…”

Delilah groaned, “Of course it is…” she muttered bitterly.

“It really isn’t so hard,” Allen explained, “Just fill it up with a lot of quotes… she loves quotes.”

Delilah smiled slightly, “Thanks for the tip.”

He smiled back, “Okay… well, see you tomorrow,” he put his hand on the door knob.

“Wait! Matts, don’t go…” Delilah stopped him quickly, her voice suddenly urgent.

“What?” Allen asked, sounding confused, but his hand slipped away from the door knob all the same.

There was a pause where Delilah took a deep breath, “We need to talk,” she said simply.

Allen groaned, and sighed, “No, Dede…”

“Yes!” she insisted.

“Dede, I have to get to History, like, pronto.”

”Give me five minutes, Coach Ray is forgiving,” Delilah pleaded.

“What in the world is so important that we have to talk about it now?”

Delilah looked at her feet. She had always had issues with eye contact, but forced herself to look up into Allen’s brownish-hazel eyes, “I think you know,” she said quietly.

Now Allen didn’t look her in the eye, “No, Dede…”

“Matts…”

He crossed his arms, “Just say it then!”

Delilah’s face was hard, her eyes narrow and her voice angry as she replied, “I love you!”

“Don’t say that!” Allen gasped.

“What did you think I was going to say?” Delilah asked indignantly.

“I don’t know!” he shouted at her in frustration, “That you want to be more then friends? I think that would have been a slightly less drastic way to put it!”

“But… I do,” Delilah murmured.

“No you don’t,” Allen said simply, “We’re fourteen years old. The only people we’re aloud to ‘love’ are people directly related to us.”

“Shut up Matts,” Delilah said in a growl, “You don’t know everything about love.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” he asked, sounding offended.

“It means twelve stupid weeks means nothing when a relationship is as shallow as a pie tin,” Delilah muttered darkly.

Ouch,” Allen flinched as if Delilah had physically harmed him, “A pie tin? I can honestly say I’ve never heard that one before,” he sounded mildly interested.

“Do you really care about her?” Delilah asked, her voice critical.

“Bethany?” Allen snorted, “Of course! She’s my girlfriend…”

That last word made Delilah role her eyes, “What’s so great about Beth anyways?”

Another bell rang, but they both ignored it.

Allen shrugged, and, after a short pause said, “She’s tall.”

Ouch,” Delilah muttered, “Really? You like tall girls, Matts? What are you, five-one?”

“Five-three!”

“Same as me then,” Delilah noted, “And, what’s Beth? Five-nine? That makes her a whole half-foot taller then you.”

“Yes I do like that,” Allen said in a matter-of-fact tone.

“What else?” Delilah pressed on.

Allen rolled his eyes, “Do you want me to be honest?”

“Brutally,” Delilah actually sounded eager.

“Fine,” Allen’s face became unforgiving, “She’s prettier then you,” he stated simply.

Delilah just stared at him, having no reply. Her face was stony.

“And smarter,” he added, turning and opening the door. Just as he took a step out of the workroom Allen froze.

There was a heavy sniff from behind him. Great, he thought, you made her cry, nice job… he turned back to Delilah and sighed. “Look, Dede, I’m-” his apology was cut off by a great crash. “Holy crap!” he yelled in shock.

Delilah had hurled a chair across the workroom. There were tears in her eyes and on her cheeks as she shouted at him, “And in all her beauty, and her height, and her incredible intellect has Bethany ever once shown you an ounce of passion?!” she thrust the small round table in the middle of the room over on its side.

Allen just stared at her, having no idea what to say or do.

“Of course she hasn’t! Bethany has about as much passion in her soul as a two year old!” Delilah continued, kicking the wall as there was no more furniture to throw.

“That’s not fair…” Allen said quietly.

“It’s true,” she huffed, not screaming any longer, although her eyes were still feebly leaking tears.

“I thought you two were good friends!” Allen said, confused and upset.

“We were… now I’ve gotten to know her and decided she’s… well, she’s a selfish baby,” Delilah explained, wiping her eyes with her shirt collar.

Allen sighed, and hung his head, “Dede, she’s my girlfriend…”

“I keep hearing you talk about that stupid title, why don’t you tell me exactly how you feel about her? Do you love her, Matts?”

“Stop talking about love! I might not know anything about it, but neither do you. My relationship with Bethany might be shallow but she is my girlfriend. I can’t betray her.”

“I’m not asking you to… to… betray her,” Delilah insisted.

“Then what exactly do you want me to do?”

Delilah was ready with the answer, “I want you to admit you like me back.”

“Dede…” he sounded weak.

“Don’t lie, Matts,” she said in a warning tone.

Allen didn’t say anything at first. He just looked at the ground, the walls, anywhere but Delilah. “I’m sorry I said Bethany’s smarter and prettier then you… that was… well, not totally true,” he looked at her very quickly to see that wasn’t the reply she had been looking for. Allen just shook his head and left the workroom without another word.
Last edited by TabbyGirl on Thu Dec 30, 2010 8:58 am, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Sun Dec 19, 2010 12:31 am
Joanne Adylse Lynne says...



Is there going to be some sort of continuation? I'm following this!
http://silentoddity.blogspot.com

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Sun Dec 19, 2010 1:33 am
theotherone says...



Hello there. :)

You said that you wrote mostly in fist person POV... I think this piece would have so much more emotions and strength if it was first person POV. That's just my opinion. And maybe the fact that I can feel exactly what the character feels when it's written that way.
I don't think I saw any mistakes, so good job for that. Other than that... Great job on the story, even though I would like to read more... The story behind these two? Were they friends? Best friends? Ex? Because this would certainly characterize your characters more and give us more information we can rely to when we read.

Keep writing!

-Other One
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Sun Dec 19, 2010 10:38 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Hey there Tabby!

True, we don't know each other, but that can be easily remedied!

I think you did a good job on the third person point of view, especially if you've never worked it before.

That being said, I really couldn't see the point of this story.

We know nothing about them from the start and not much more by the end.

We need a little backstory here.

Why didn't the teacher show up?
Was she in detention?
What is Allen to her?
Why did the teacher send Allen to give her the homework?
How are they feeling?
Had he given her any reason to think he felt the same way? How? When? Why?

The advantage of using third person omniscient is to delve into both characters a little more and give us some idea of their thoughts and explain their actions. But we've learned nothing from this piece except Dede seems a little crazy. Er - I mean, passionate ;)

But the idea of it is good, and your writing style is sound. I really did enjoy this piece, and the idea of it, even though it needs some work.

If you edit it, I'd love to go back to read it.
Hope this helped, as it was meant as constructive critism.

Tanya :D
  





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Sun Dec 19, 2010 10:53 pm
TabbyGirl says...



Tanya,

Well, yes, your review was quite helpful... I take critisism poorly, whenever someone says something about my writing in the negative I can feak out about it for up to a week... hehe, but I'm glad to say this sight is helping me get over it, and although when I read the words "I really couldn't see the point of this story." I flinched away and went "LALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" I came back, read the rest, took a deep breath and said, "That wasn't so bad."

I really should have explained more... I guess in my mind I understood what was going on, and... yeah, I didn't consider that the reader would not... I can be selfish like that :P

I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I intend to work on it (although I intend to do lots of stuff... so, no promises)

I really did find your review helpful, and not too harsh... I'll probably ask for another one sometime ;)

--
Tabby
  





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Sun Dec 19, 2010 10:56 pm
borntobeawriter says...



Haha.

Tabby, please don't apologize! I'm sorry if it was harsh and I definitely know what you mean! I've done that for quite a few of my stories: thinking that I knew what was going on but not including it in the story.

It was a good piece and you are obviously a talented writer. Keep up the great work!

Tanya
  





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Mon Dec 20, 2010 11:51 am
easilyinspired says...



Hi,
Your story was fantastic! What I loved about it so much is the fact that it is realistic. What I mean is that so many people can relate to the characters and the situation. It is very well written, the only thing is that maybe you should build up the atmosphere a bit. It's a great story, it's just everything happens so suddenly.
Anyway, well done it's a wonderful story!
  





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Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:41 pm
Kagi says...



Wow.
This is so.. beIautiful. I feel like crying. You have talent. This is amazing. So much passion was pouring out of this.
I can't even complain a bit. You obviously edit well as there were no grammar errors or punctuation. You have a great talent, I had no idea you could write like this!
Well done.

Your plot was excellent. I can't wait to read more, THERE.WILL.BE.MORE. right?
Just so you do I'm going to make you a club Called Don't Ask. OKAY?
Have a very merrychristmas and I hope you feel very proud of yourself If I could write like that, I would never stop.
*Screams*
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Fri Dec 24, 2010 9:57 pm
hockeyfan87 says...



TabbyGirl wrote:I'm not sure if this counts as romantic or not, but that seemed to be the category it fit in best... I think it has a slightly goofy tone at parts, but that's just how I write... I write a lot of first-person, and whenever I don't I usually write third-person limited, here I'm trying third-person omniscient, tell me what you think. You probably won't get the title... it's a personal reference.
~~~~~~~~~~


Delilah sat in the teacher’s workroom, a half-written essay in front of her. She stared at the clock and chewed on the end of her pencil. One minute, she thought, one minute till third period... Nine-fourteen and a half… Nine fifteen… any second now, and- a bell rang in the hall. She picked up her thingsuse a work other than things because its a dead word as my school calls it, a kindergarden word and you can do so much better, then stood there a moment. Maybe Miss Neighbors forgot about me… she thought hopefully.

At around nine-sixteen the door to the teachers work room swung open, and Allen Matts walked in.

“What are you doing here, Matts?” Delilah asked him, her voice was low and unemotional; however her heart was pounding against her rib cage.

Allen closed the door behind him and replied, “Miss Neighbors wanted you to know the essay’s for homework, due tomorrow, if you’re not done…”

Delilah groaned, “Of course it is…” she muttered bitterly.

“It really isn’t so hard,” Allen explained, “Just fill it up with a lot of quotes… she loves quotes.”

Delilah smiled slightly, “Thanks for the tip.”

He smiled back, “Okay… well, see you tomorrow,” he put his hand on the door knob.

“Wait! Matts, don’t go…” Delilah stopped him quickly, her voice suddenly urgent.

“What?” Allen asked, sounding confused, but his hand slipped away from the door knob all the same.

There was a pause where Delilah took a deep breath, “We need to talk,” she said simply.

Allen groaned, and sighed, “No, Dede…”

“Yes!” she insisted.

“Dede, I have to get to History, like, pronto.”

”Give me five minutes, Coach Ray is forgiving,” Delilah pleaded.

“What in the world is so important that we have to talk about it now?”

Delilah looked at her feet. She had always had issues with eye contact, but forced herself to look up into Allen’s brownish-hazel eyes, “I think you know,” she said quietly.

Now Allen didn’t look her in the eye, “No, Dede…”

“Matts…”

He crossed his arms, “Just say it then!”

Delilah’s face was hard, her eyes narrow and her voice angry as she replied, “I love you!”

“Don’t say that!” Allen gasped.

“What did you think I was going to say?” Delilah asked indignantly.

“I don’t know!” he shouted at her in frustration, “That you want to be more then friends? I think that would have been a slightly less drastic way to put it!”

“But… I do,” Delilah murmured.

“No you don’t,” Allen said simply, “We’re fourteen years old. The only people we’re aloud to ‘love’ are people directly related to us.”

“Shut up Matts,[color=#FF0000]matts? last name? i am confused[/color]” Delilah said in a growl, “You don’t know everything about love.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” he asked, sounding offended.

“It means twelve stupid weeks means nothing when a relationship is as shallow as a pie tin,” Delilah muttered darkly.

Ouch,” Allen flinched as if Delilah had physically harmed him, “A pie tin? I can honestly say I’ve never heard that one before,” he sounded mildly interested.

“Do you really care about her?” Delilah asked, her voice critical.

“Bethany?” Allen snorted, “Of course! She’s my girlfriend…”

That last word made Delilah role her eyes, “What’s so great about Beth anyways?”

Another bell rang, but they both ignored it.

Allen shrugged, and, after a short pause said, “She’s tall.”

Ouch,” Delilah muttered, “Really? You like tall girls, Matts? What are you, five-one?”

“Five-three!”

“Same as me then,” Delilah noted, “And, what’s Beth? Five-nine? That makes her a whole half-foot taller then you.”

“Yes I do like that,” Allen said in a matter-of-fact tone.

“What else?” Delilah pressed on.

Allen rolled his eyes, “Do you want me to be honest?”

“Brutally,” Delilah actually sounded eager.

“Fine,” Allen’s face became unforgiving, “She’s prettier then you,” he stated simply.

Delilah just stared at him, having no reply. Her face was stony.

“And smarter,” he added, turning and opening the door. Just as he took a step out of the workroom Allen froze.

There was a heavy sniff from behind him. Great, he thought, you made her cry, nice job… he turned back to Delilah and sighed. “Look, Dede, I’m-” his apology was cut off by a great crash. “Holy crap!” he yelled in shock.

Delilah had hurled a chair across the workroom. There were tears in her eyes and on her cheeks as she shouted at him, “And in all her beauty, and her height, and her incredible intellect has Bethany ever once shown you an ounce of passion?!” she thrust the small round table in the middle of the room over on its side.

Allen just stared at her, having no idea what to say or do.

“Of course she hasn’t! Bethany has about as much passion in her soul as a two year old!” Delilah continued, kicking the wall as there was no more furniture to throw.

“That’s not fair…” Allen said quietly.

“It’s true,” she huffed, not screaming any longer, although her eyes were still feebly leaking tears.

“I thought you two were good friends!” Allen said, confused and upset.

“We were… now I’ve gotten to know her and decided she’s… well, she’s a selfish baby,” Delilah explained, wiping her eyes with her shirt collar.

Allen sighed, and hung his head, “Dede, she’s my girlfriend…”

“I keep hearing you talk about that stupid title, why don’t you tell me exactly how you feel about her? Do you love her, Matts?”

“Stop talking about love! I might not know anything about it, but neither do you. My relationship with Bethany might be shallow but she is my girlfriend. I can’t betray her.”

“I’m not asking you to… to… betray her,” Delilah insisted.

“Then what exactly do you want me to do?”

Delilah was ready with the answer, “I want you to admit you like me back.”

“Dede…” he sounded weak.

“Don’t lie, Matts,” she said in a warning tone.

Allen didn’t say anything at first. He just looked at the ground, the walls, anywhere but Delilah. “I’m sorry I said Bethany’s smarter and prettier then you… that was… well, not totally true,” he looked at her very quickly to see that wasn’t the reply she had been looking for. Allen just shook his head and left the workroom without another word.

Is there a continuation? Just wondering, cause if there is PM me when you post more this is really good and I loved reading it, was Matts Allens last name or what? If so make sure you say that it confused me, the reader, but other than that, good, PM me when you post more. Happy Holidays, Love Jenn :)
when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn
  





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Tue Dec 28, 2010 10:46 pm
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borntoshop says...



MORE! MORE! MORE! :D

PM when/if there is anything else after this. I LOVE IT! <3
:D
  





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Thu Dec 30, 2010 6:58 pm
Angela says...



This seemed like a really good story. I mostly enjoyed reading it. But I have to agree, Dede seems a little desperate. Crazy. Passionate is a nice way to sugarcoat it, but from my point of view she seems like someone flirting with the edge of insanity. I would suggest that you change the story to be from her point of view, so we can see her logic. Other than that it was very good. However, I really didn't care for the ending.

Your writing was good. I think that Allen sounds like a very real character. But like I said, I would try to make Dede not seem so insane. A good story over all, but it has some untapped potential.
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Fri Dec 31, 2010 4:19 am
TeenQueen says...



I quite enjoyed reading this piece.
I like your style of writing, and yes, the stroy looks like it's going to lead somewhere interesting. (Fingers crossed)
I am not really great at the nitpicking, but I didn't find anything to correct. I do want to add, like the others have said, that I do think it will be better if you write it in first person's POV. I think it will be more insightful, and allow us to understand Delliah's character. Just an opinion. (I know how it can be to write third person POV, I hate writing that way).
Also, I thought it was a little bit sketchy. Like these two people pop out of nowhere and start arguing about a situation that the reader is not familiar with. I think it's a good way to start a story, keeping the reader wondering about what's going but ONLY if you intend to give the details later in the story. Or else, I think you have to make it a little more detailed.
But other than that, I thought it was great. I am looking forward to reading more of it. :D
"No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader." ~ Robert Frost
  





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Fri Dec 31, 2010 8:23 am
lilgreendots says...



Wow this was really good. Everyone else already talked about changing the point of view, so I won't bother going over that again. Allen really seemed like a real character but Dede not as much. If yolu changed it around so that Dede's actions weren't so, how do it put it, intense than the story would become even better. Other than that I don't have much to say except for I
REALLY
REALLY
REALLY
REALLY
REALLY
REALLY
REALLY
liked the story. Hope I could help

-lilgreendots <3
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Sat Sep 17, 2011 5:38 pm
Teresabanosg says...



Oh My God! this is really good!
I love it because its not the typical love story, it is wonderful!
Also, I liked it because it has more to it than what is written on there. It has a real feeling, not just something you can fantasize about. An unreal setting. This may happen in real life. This is a situation that many girls may live.
You are great! :)
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