Young Writers Society

Hi. I'm Shelly and this is my first piece I'm posting on here. It's more of a nonfiction romance short story, but I figured this was the right section to put it in. Sorry if it's a little cluttered or melodramatic, I wrote it mostly to get out a lot of emotion and stress. But I figured I would post it here to see what other people thing (: Hope you all like it!


You were mine.
No questions, no doubt, no worries. No matter what terrible things were going on in my life it would all be okay at the end of the day because I would have you. You: my security; the one thing I could hold onto to keep me steady when my world was spinning and everything was falling apart. For once I felt special. Loved. Wanted. And best of all, I felt the incredible feeling that is loving someone with your whole heart. I was completely caught up in you and the rush of first love. You could make me smile in a way no one else ever has before.You came into my life, and showed me for the first time in a long time what it was to truly be happy.

And suddenly, out of the blue, it all fell apart.
I truly believe the feeling of finding out the person you are in love with doesn't love you back anymore is indescribable. When they are trying to tell you in the most gentle way possible (not that there is really any gentle way to go about such things), dragging it out while you just sit there trying to process what is going on. It doesn't hit your heart first. It hits your stomach. You're listening to this person who you put all your hope, faith, and admiration in tell you they are done with you and your stomach is doing flips and you think you must be in some horrible nightmare. But then your heart finally feels it. And then you understand the term heartbreak because your heart feels like it is slowly being ripped apart into a million pieces. Because my heart was entirely you, my love. What does it do now that you've left?

The worst part of it all is that you're not gone, not really. You're everywhere; in the halls, in the cafeteria, and around town. You look so happy. It's not that I don't want you to be happy, I do, more than anything. That's all I ever wanted. Five months of me trying to figure out how to fix you, how to make you smile and genuinely want to be happy again. Not once did the thought cross my mind, that maybe I was the thing that needed to be eliminated for you to reach true happiness. And God, does that fucking hurt. They say you never love anyone like you love your first love and I know now that is true. I'm sure someday I will love again, of course. But never like I loved you. Never with the same teenage naivety I had with you. Never with the same hope that I gave to you. I genuinely cannot see myself doing the things we did together with anyone else. The way we were so silly, and goofy and comfortable. I stupidly made you my everything, and the problem with making another person your everything is that when they leave you have nothing. And they always can leave if they want. I look in the mirror and see myself but I don't know who I am. I don't know where I fall into place without you by my side. You found me and gave me hope. But if the one person that gives you real hope suddenly takes it all away from you, you're left with even less than you started with. I hate that saying “It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” because it's so untrue. Before I loved you, I didn't know what love was, really. I didn't have it, but it didn't matter as much because I didn't know what it was like. If you've never had it, it can't hurt you so bad. Then I loved you and I had never felt so wonderful. Love was exhilarating, warm, and free. How dare you take that away from me? Give me a small taste of it and that snatch it out of my hands? This is what I cry about every night, this is what I slice into my skin for. In mourning, for the loss of the most beautiful feeling I have ever experienced.

I'm so scared. It's been three months and two days since the day you broke me apart and I still feel as much pain as I did the day it happened. Without you my heart beats fast and my stomach is always in knots. I get dizzy and shake. Focusing is harder than ever when thoughts of you consume my mind constantly. They say time heals all wounds but I don't understand why time is taking so long. The love I feel for you has not dulled, not even a bit. And the wanting, the needing? Well, that is stronger than ever. I don't know how to be alone. I became so accustomed to your touch. Without your arms wrapped around me, without our hands intertwined, I feel naked. Empty.

You disappeared, and you stole part of me away with you.

Hi! It's late here, so I'll have to be brief!
The one thing I liked about your short piece is that amongst the somewhat cliched/melodramatic bits that come with young love, you mentioned how this love is special because of the teenage naivety involved. It's a little piece of maturity from this otherwise young MC.
One thing I think you may need to refine is that at first you mentioned the joy of loving someone, but later write that it hurts to not be loved in return. So it sounds like the MC is backtracking and sort of lamenting her apparently conditional love for the boy. Then again, love's a complicated thing, so you may have your own argument to stand on
For your first piece of writing, your description is good
Personally, I'm not one for the usual teenage angst about love. Set your 'romance' piece apart by giving a unique perspective. However, I've noticed that this is somewhat non-fiction. I hope whatever problems you're having will work out.
Feel free to PM me if you've any questions or just to talk!
Have a great day,
Meep(:

this was so good. You wrote this in a very creative and emotional way. I haven't read anything like this before. I enjoyed the style a lot. I felt like I was in the main character's mind. I understood her every thought and emotion. However, i think you should have done a little more inferring rather than just saying this is what she thought this or felt this. Explain something she is doing that would infer she is scared, or sad, or whatever you want. thats mainly the only criticism i have for you. Over all I liked it a lot though!
<33

I really like this. It's honest and it really gets the point across. I can feel your pain. This is a short review, I know, but I hope I do a good job of expressing my feelings about the piece I'm new to this, so I'm not a very good reviewer.

Hi!
Wow, that was really amazing.
You have an amazing way of writing, you can describe emotion and feelings so well!
It was very sad and I am sorry about your situation.
You did a wonderful job and I really enjoyed it.
Thank you for posting it!

Omg I really like this story because I can connect to it. I understand the pain that you are going through. I love the emotion and the pain that your character is going through. If you need more reviews or want to talk feel free to PM me. Good luck uth your situatuon and keep writing because you are awesome at it.

Hello there.

I'll begin the the few nitpicks I've noticed, and then go on with my overall impression.

For once comma I felt special.

Our brain puts a natural pause here, so therefore, there should be a comma.

You came into my life, and showed me for the first time in a while what it was to truly be happy.

The repetition of time bothered me here, so I changed it for a while... Is that okay?

You're listening to this person comma who you put all your hope, faith, and admiration in comma tell you that they are done with you comma and your stomach is doing flips and you think you must be in some horrible nightmare.

This is one long sentence...

Because my heart was entirely yours, my love. What was it supposed to do now that you've left?

Once again, I rephrased it. If you don't like it, it's fine.

But if the one person that gives you real hope suddenly takes it all away from you, you're left with even less than what you started with.

Without you comma my heart beats fast and my stomach is always in knots.

They say time heals all wounds but I don't understand why this (?) is taking so long

I'm not sure if this is what you meant?

This was a powerful piece, and I think every one can easily relate to it, which is good. You also made me feel... something I would rather forget. That's really good, because it means that you can write, and make the readers feel exactly what the MC is feeling. Writing about something you have experienced before is exactly what gives the stories the feel so many readers are searching for. It's also why writers will always write something about something they know. If you really look at it, there's always a part of them in the MC and his/her situation.

Anyways, keep on writing!

-Other One

This piece definitely displayed real teenage emotion and the angst that naturally comes with young love. I like it! One thing that would make it a bit easier to read would be if you separated that one giant paragraph in the middle into at least two individual paragraphs. It's a lot easier on the eyes! Overall, well done! I look forward to reading more from you

Jess