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I Was There



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Sun Feb 13, 2011 6:39 pm
megsug says...



Week Three
I was there when they sat at church with enough space for a small child between them. The preacher was talking about marriage. He was talking of challenges, of a lost job, an unexpected child. They pushed two people from each other.
“I pray for a rebound for those struggling here today.”
Mrs. Jones bent her head and closed her eyes. She put her hand on the red cloth of the pew.
Mr. Jones stared at the slender fingers decorated with a slim golden band and the diamond he had presented to her six years ago. On an instinct that he was sure had died years ago, he placed his hand over hers and squeezed it lightly.
They had no financial trouble, quite the opposite. They had no children. What had ruined them?

Week Four
I was there when they joined a group and acted like everything was fine, like that bruise on Mr. Jones' arm was from playing baseball instead of the hairdryer she had thrown at him. They sat side by side, legs barely brushing against each other, but he didn't put his arm around her, and she didn't rest her head on his shoulder. They laughed too loud and smiled too big. Mrs. Jones kept twisting her engagement ring.
The group leader sat across from them with his wife. They were close to each other, whispering into each other's ear and laughing softly.
Mr. Jones studied them thoughtfully and frowned.
The group leader cleared his throat and beamed at all of them, though he met Mr. Jones' gaze as he announced, “Today is the twenty-fifth anniversary of my marriage. As most of you know, we had some hard times, some times of separation, but here we are now, stronger than ever.” He kissed his wife, and the room burst into congratulations.
Mr. Jones jumped as Mrs. Jones put her hand on his knee and stared at it again. He looked at her and smiled, brushing a strand of hair out of her face. He put his arm around her shoulders and drew her closer.
They both smiled easily now and gave their joys to the older couple.
They were no different. What could they have that the Joneses didn't?

Week Five
I was there when they were walking back to the car with grocery bags in hand. They were quiet and walked on opposite sides of the car.
The cashier had commented on the gossip going around the small town about their floundering marriage. In such a small town, the busy bodies would jump on any irreleguarity or misdemeanor. And the Jones' prolonged coldness toward one another and one whispered fight at a dinner party had set the gossip mill turning.
For a time, they had lived in a blissful truce, agreeing not to mention their problems, going through the actions of marriage, overlooking the fact that Mr. Jones had taken to sleeping on the couch. The cashier had thrown them out of their peace.
Mr. Jones saw the cashier come out for a smoke break and placed his bags on the roof of their car. He walked around the car, glancing at the cashier who was nonchalantly studying them. He grabbed his wife and kissed her.
Mrs. Jones dropped her bags in her surprise and wound her arms around his neck.
The white plastic slowly became yellow with the yolk of broken eggs, but no one cared.
The cashier openly gawked and put her cigarette back in it's place in the box, stumbling into the store to share the new development.
Mr. Jones didn't see. Mr. Jones didn't care about the cashier anymore.
They were just two people, just a married couple. Why did people care about what they did?

Week Six
I was there when Mr. Jones got back from the night shift at the hospital early. Mrs. Jones still lay in bed, a bed that had gone from theirs to hers. He stared at her, frowning.
Normally, she was up by five to get to work at six thirty. She rolled over restlessly, murmuring in her sleep.
He moved to sit beside her and felt her forehead gently, so he wouldn't wake her. His brow wrinkled in another concerned frown. He reached for the phone and called her office, telling them she wouldn't be at work today.
Hours later, she woke with a start. She still lay in the room, darkened despite the midday sun. Noises came from deeper within the house. She got up and shuffled toward the door just as Mr. Jones opened it with a tray in hand.
He blinked in surprise and grinned with the boyish smile that had once been endearing to her. He sat the tray on the dresser and felt for a fever again. He pushed her into bed with the firmness of a practiced caregiver and pulled the blankets up to her waist, sitting the tray upon her lap. He sat beside her and watched her eat the chicken noodle soup and grapes he forced on her.
They stayed there the rest of the day, watching movies and laughing with each other.
They were like that once. Why couldn't they do it again?

Week Seven
I was there on Valentine's Day when Mrs. Jones studied herself in the mirror for hours, trying on different dresses, putting her hair up, only to tear it down again. She did the same with the table, adjusting the candles, comparing napkins. She checked on the food every five minutes.
Mr. Jones was on call that day and had gone in, to the relief of Mrs. Jones.
She was still frowning at the dining room table when he walked in, tired and ready for supper. She looked up, surprised
He stared at her, all exhaustion disappearing. She was beautiful. He smiled and shook his head. He had forgotten.
She waved away the lack of roses, happy with his dumbstruck expression. She danced into the kitchen, leaving him to light the candles.
He studied her face, glowing with the flame of the candle and grinned at the dimple that appeared in her cheek. The food was good. They looked nice. They were happy.
That night the couch was abandoned. They slept together, just to feel the other close for the first time in a long time. They used each other when one couldn't possibly go another day without an intimate touch. Now he had his arms wrapped around her silk clad body, and she rested her head against his chest in sleep.
They were doing it again. Why couldn't they keep it up?

Week Eight
I was there when they walked around the mall and entered a jewelry store. Mrs. Jones smiled at the rings that were simple in their beauty. She sighed and twisted her engagement ring.
Mr. Jones noticed and wondered if maybe he had misjudged his wife six years ago when he had proposed with the ornate ring she wore today. He waved a clerk over and pointed toward a ring with a turquoise teardrop surrounded by leaves and berries. He noted his wife's awed reaction and nodded in thanks as the clerk began his selling pitch.
He noted her longing look as they walked away, leaving a very dissatisfied salesman in their wake, and pulled her close.
. . .
He came back alone the next day on his way home. He waved a clerk over and pointed to the ring, nodding his thanks. He watched them put it in a black box as he swiped his credit card. A new phase in the marriage, a new ring.
He used to know her so well... Did he know her at all?

Week Nine
I was there when they began to fight again. She was more temperamental now, more tired. The secret she was keeping was eating at her, begging for a release.
They screamed until they forgot why they had started fighting.
But that had already happened. It had been so long ago. Neither remembered what the other did to begin with. The whole thing was a twisted mess that no one could decipher.
She burst into tears, and he grabbed his coat, storming out of the house.
She tore her engagement ring from her finger at the slam of the door and threw it into the entryway, shouting curses. As soon as it bounced out of sight, she went on her hands and knees to search for the sparkling jewel.
He didn't come back...
They had come so far. Why couldn't they make it?

Week Ten
I was there when Mrs. Jones got the call from the hospital. She hadn't heard from Mr. Jones all week.
“Your husband has been in an accident. He is in surgery now. We suggest...”
She held the phone to her ear, mute in horror, deaf to all else the nurse said. She hung up without responding and left her office at a run.
. . .
She studied the black box that had been found in her husband's coat pocket and glanced at Mr. Jones, still asleep on the hospital bed. She turned it over in her hands and weighed her options. She looked up again and gasped.
Mr. Jones watched her sleepily. He smiled and shook his head at her tears.
She walked up and handed him the box, too relieved for words.
He took it and laid it beside him. He picked up her hand and took off her engagement ring.
Her throat tightened in fear, and she made a strangled sound as he looked up with sparkling eyes.
He opened the box, revealing the ring she had mooned over the other week. He took it out of the box and placed it on her finger. “I love you.”
. . .
The Joneses stood on the bridge he had wrecked on and looked down at the cold water. He leaned on crutches and watched as she pulled out her old ring.
She let it sparkle in the sunlight for a moment and remembered all this ring had seen. With a murmured prayer to bless the new ring and the marriage it symbolized, she threw it over the bridge and watched as it fell, flashing. She looked up at Mr. Jones and smiled.
Now was a good time as any.
She stood on her tiptoes and whispered into his ear.
He looked at her, not believing. Finally, that boyish grin that was so endearing appeared, and he kissed her.

Week Thirty-eight
I was there when Mrs. Jones was crying out, and Mr. Jones was pacing nervously. I was there as he brushed the wet hair from her face and encouraged her softly. With a last push, the doctor was holding a red faced baby, and I was screaming, “I'm here! I was conceived in anger and darkness, but I'm born in love and light!”
Last edited by megsug on Wed Feb 23, 2011 9:08 pm, edited 10 times in total.
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Mon Feb 14, 2011 12:21 am
JoyceSparrows says...



I enjoyed reading this. I really liked the style of writing that you used. I'm sorry for not giving you any constructive criticism, but I'm new at this and I really don't know how. All I can say is keep up the good work!
If I weren't going to be a writer I'd go to New York and pursue the stage. Are you shocked?

-Little Women


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― L.M. Montgomery

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Tue Feb 15, 2011 10:21 pm
theotherone says...



Hello there. :)

Cute story you've got here. :) The point of view original, and I really like it. I wish you could tell us a little more about why they were fighting, and why the town was talking about them. Did they do something?

Also, when you say Joneses, it should be Jones'. Just a little tip. ;)

Great work!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
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Wed Feb 16, 2011 1:23 am
322sivart says...



Hey Megs!
I have to say that as with "Girls", your writing is very unique. You have a way of explaining things and gripping your readers into a flowing and paced story.

The first question that comes into my head early on in the story is, about how old are the Jones'? You hint that they may be in their early thirties by saying that Mr. Jones proposed six years before the story takes place, but I cannot be sure.

Mr. Jones saw the cashier come out for a smoke break and placed his bags on the roof of their car. He walked around the car, glancing at the cashier who was nonchalantly studying them. He grabbed his wife and kissed her.

Mrs. Jones dropped her bags in her surprise and wound her arms around his neck.

The white plastic slowly became yellow with the yolk of broken eggs, but no one cared.


My favorite part of your story! That was worded perfectly!

Mr. Jones noticed and wondered if maybe he had misjudged his wife six years ago when he had proposed with the ornate ring she wore today. He waved a clerk over and pointed toward a ring with a turquoise teardrop surrounded by leaves and berries. He noted his wife's awed reaction and nodded in thanks as the clerk began his selling pitch.


This confuses me. Is Mrs. Jones with Mr. Jones when he buys the ring, or is he recalling her awed reaction from another time?

She walked up and handed him the box, to relieved for words.


That should be, "too" relieved for words.

Overall, I love this. Good luck in the contest!
-Alex
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Wed Feb 16, 2011 4:01 am
Kayde2 says...



I liked reading this story. It kept my interest the whole time, but I also agree that you should tell more about why this couple was fighting in the first place and how others seemed to know about their issues. Your writing style is very unique; I've never read anything written this way. I also liked the way everything flowed from beginning to end. I did not catch any other grammar mistakes that were not already said. Keep up the good work!
-Kayde
  





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Sat Feb 19, 2011 4:47 am
DeadEndsAreOptional says...



Aww, love it! I really enjoy reading your short stories, your really good at it. I was not expecting the ending, that was a surprise but it made me like I Was There even more. I'm not the best at grammar but I did notice a mistake, "Joneses" should be Jones'. Otherwise that's all the mistakes I noticed. I didn't really get confused at all when I read this, which is awesome because when I read some stories I have to re-read it a few times before I can understand a sentence or paragraph.
I've only read a few of your stories so far and I'm already a huge fan of yours. :D Keep Writing!
~DeadEnds
Last edited by DeadEndsAreOptional on Sat Feb 19, 2011 3:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Sat Feb 19, 2011 10:52 am
Ego says...



Hello, Meg.

As requested.

Disclaimer: Everything in this review is opinion. While I won't always say "In my opinion,." it should always be implied unless explicitely stated otherwise. I don't presume to think my opinion is law, and neither should you. If you think something works for your story, and I disagree, go with your own instinct. YOU are the creator of this world. We just vacation here.

Normally I'd start out with some kind of snarky, slightly offensive comment to establish my bitter and generally harsh opinions of writing other than my own. Not this time. This time, I think a simple, one word reaction sums my opinion up far more than a few paragraphs ever could.

Wow.

Just...wow. I'm really, truly blown away.

This piece is so very complete and beautiful that I have very, very few things I would change, even stylistically.

A Silly Little Mistake...

I started this full of skepticism, as I am not normally a fan of romance in general, let alone in literature. I admittedly and ashamedly skimmed the first section, before becoming hooked somewhere into the second. I therefore overlooked the fact that the protagonist of this story was their unborn child, despite the fact that you blatantly state it only a few lines in.

However, I found that this unwitting action of mine not only enhanced the story and added a sense of mystery to whom the protagonist was, but really held me hostage as I struggled to discover who was talking. I came up with a couple possibilities. Guardian angel, or the devil himself.

But then, in week ten, you reveal the secret. Everything ties together so, so well. and it all wraps up in a nice, neat little package. I was in awe.

...Then I realized that I had made a mistake and missed the premise entirely.

That having been said, I think the fact that I missed the line: " She had just found out about me yesterday," was a blessing in disguise. I'm not sure if you want to go that route with it, but if you want to keep your readers in the dark and reveal the protagonist only at the end, or give the readers a sense of empowerment if they can figure it out before the end, I would remove that line altogether.

On format.

I would remove the extra lines between the paragraphs. All they seem to do is expand an otherwise quick paced and concise story. One complete line break between paragraphs should suffice.

On your voice.

The white plastic slowly became yellow with the yolk of broken eggs, but no one cared.

Loved this line. Great image.

In sum.

Change very little. You've written a successful piece of work, in my eyes.

--D
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Mon Feb 21, 2011 3:07 am
redpen123 says...



I really like your style of writing; it's very original. With that said, I too agree that there should be more explanations of why they were fighting and maybe a little background information for readers to get a deeper connection with the characters. But overall, well written. Good job!
  





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Mon Feb 21, 2011 5:44 pm
Kagi says...



Hey there! This is pretty slick! I realy really enjoyed every word, you had me on edge and completely in awe. I love dhow you started every paragraoh with 'I Was there'

I wish I had more time to give you a proper in length review but I do believe I'm going out for the night.

This is excellent and extremely well written. Be proud!
Kaka x
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Mon Feb 21, 2011 8:44 pm
megsug says...



Hey guys,
Thanks for all the great reviews.
In reply to everything you guys have written, I'm going to say that if I went into detail on why they were fighting someone would be the bad guy. The beauty of this piece is that no one is. The Joneses got over this together. Really, the past doesn't matter.
Does the apostrophe make things plural or does it signify possession?
Thanks again,
Megsug
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Tue Feb 22, 2011 1:44 am
322sivart says...



It's both, but it depends how you use it.
Need reviews?
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Tue Feb 22, 2011 2:02 am
megsug says...



I did a little research.

Nouns ending in s, z, ch, sh, and x
Nouns with these letters at the end call for an "es" in the plural form. This added syllable makes pronunciation easier.

beaches
foxes
wishes


This is what I found.
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Wed Feb 23, 2011 7:10 pm
ThePenIsMyWeapon says...



I'm sorry it took so long for me to reveiw. But I'm glad to inform you that I loved your story!

First, the bad stuff:

He noted her longing look as they walked away, leaving a very dissatisfied salesman in their wake, and pulled her close.


He came back alone the next day on his way home.


There are two things wroung with this part. One, a period is needed at the end of the first sentance. Another is this odd blank. I recommend doing with you did later:

He opened the box, revealing the ring she had mooned over the other week. He took it out of the box and placed it on her finger. “I love you.”

. . .

The Joneses stood on the bridge he had wrecked on and looked down at the cold water. He leaned on crutches and watched as she pulled out her old ring.



Now the good stuff:

I like how you said in each part,
I was there...
then at the end revealing that the woman was pregnant with the narrarator. This is great and can leave the reader on edge to see who is telling the story.

Also some phrases I love:

gossip mill turning.


She waved away the lack of roses


He used to know her so well... Did he know her at all?


I was screaming, “I'm here! I was conceived in anger and darkness, but I'm born in love and light!”


Over all, great job! Keep on writing!

-Ruth
  





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Wed Feb 23, 2011 8:02 pm
FLyerS says...



Wow, you've got a lot of reviews, sure you need another one?
I loved this story. It was great, but saying "I was there" at the beginning of every week gets old quick. After the first two or three times it is assumed.
Good gob. Keep working on it.
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Sun Feb 27, 2011 3:40 am
Ranger Hawk says...



Hey Meg, sorry it took me so long to review!

Wow. I have to get my breath; that was such a beautiful, beautiful piece. I loved it. You effortlessly wove the story together until the satisfying conclusion, never once breaking pace or losing my interest. It was poignant and beautiful.

There really wasn't much I could review. There were a few parts where you used a vague "they," which could have been referring to different people, such as here:
He was talking of challenges, of a lost job, an unexpected child. They pushed two people from each other.


Perhaps you could say, "These difficulties," something that would indicate exactly what you mean by "they," since it could refer to the couple or even some other people.

They both smiled easily now and gave their joys to the older couple.
They were no different. What could they have that the Joneses didn't?


See how in the first sentence, you use "they" to refer to the Joneses (red); in the second, you use "they" to refer to the group leader, I'm guessing (blue). Just clear this up by using names or something instead of a vague pronoun.

That was honestly all I could come up with. Your writing is beautiful, and this piece is lovely. Thank you for sharing this on YWS; I'm sure it'll touch a lot of people, though the majority of us aren't that age yet.

Keep up the great work! Cheers. (:
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
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The best books... are those that tell you what you know already.
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