Young Writers Society

Rose felt her heart break into a million pieces, as she watched her beloved walk out the door. Rose could not bear the pain, yet she still watched him go. All their memories, one by one, in several flashbacks came to her.

Mark came to visit Rose that day because he wanted to tell Rose that he was moving to a different country. Mark could not even look Rose straight in the eyes. When Mark told Rose that he was moving all of her excitement from seeing Mark disappeared and turned into tears. She looked at Mark with her captivating hazel eyes all teary. Mark could not bare seeing Rose cry any longer. He wanted to show her that he was strong, so he didn't cry in front of her. Immediately he hugged Rose and wiped off her tears. After a while Rose stopped crying "I love you," Mark said in a soft comforting voice and released his arms from hugging her. "Good-bye," he said causing every part of his body to ache. Mark walked out that door with tears running down his eyes as if it was a race, wishing that he didn't have to go, and if he had the choice, he wouldn't leave her.

Rose trembled as Mark closed the door. Her knees grew weak, and so did his. As Mark was about to enter the elevator, he stopped and looked back. He wanted to take one last look at her door. To his surprise he saw Rose running towards him.

"Mark I don't care how far we are from each other. I can wait for you to come back," she said while gasping for air. Mark showed his face, his face was filled with tears.

As soon as Rose stopped talking, Mark hugged her. "Rose, I will come back for you, and we can always talk to each other online, I will always love you," Mark said in a soft, tender and secure voice.

Mark entered the elevator and waved good-bye to his Rose, but before the doors closed Rose stopped the elevator doors from closing and went in. She hugged Mark then, suddenly she noticed that tears were coming out of Mark's beautiful blue eyes. She knew that she had to do or say something to make him feel better. "I'm coming with you," Rose whispered with her soft calming voice. Mark's blue eyes was filled with joy. "I'll help you pack," he said while gazing upon Rose like she was the most precious thing in this world.

They went back to her apartment and started packing. And when everything was packed Rose and Mark looked at each other and smiled because they knew that a whole new life was before them. A life that they would share with each other.
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This is edited and improved. Pls comment if I made any mistakes. Critics wanted

Zoreo18 wrote:Rose felt her heart break into a million pieces, as she watched her beloved walk out the door. Rose could not bear the pain, yet she still watched him go.

I think that these two sentences would be more smoothly read if you changed the second Rose to 'she'.

Zereo18 wrote: All their memories, one by one, in several flashbacks came to her. Mark came to visit Rose that day because he wanted to tell Rose that he was moving to a different country. Mark could not even look Rose straight in the eyes. He didn't want to show her his soft side that would burst into tears saying the word goodbye.

But why? Why doesn't he want to show her his softer side? I think that you need to put an extra sentence in here something like. 'No, he wasn't weak. He wouldn't cry in front of her.' Or something like that.

Zoroe18 wrote:Rose did not know that Mark walked out that door with tears and wishing that he didn't have to go, and if he had the choice, he wouldn't leave her.

Rose trembled as Mark closed the door. Her knees grew weak, and so did his. As Mark was about to enter the elevator, he stopped and looked back.

Again, but why? Why did he suddenly turn back? I know what you're getting at here, but I think that adding a sentence to explain why he looked back wouldn't hurt. Something like, 'he heard the soft tapping of shoes on the floor,' would do.

Zoreo18 wrote:At his suprise he, saw Rose running towards him. And Rose said "Mark I don't care how far we are from each other. I can wait for you to come back."

Punctuation goes in the quotation marks. Also, when someone says something, it usually starts on a new line. I think that you can put it like this:

At his surprise, he saw Rose running towards him
"Mark, I don't care how far we are form each other. I can wait for you to come back." Rose said.

Zoreo18 wrote:Mark showed his face to Rose, his face was filled with tears. As soon as Rose stoped talking, Mark hugged her and said "Rose, I will come back for you, and we can always talk to each other online, I love you."

Again with the talking. Things that are said are usually put on the start of a new line.

Zoreo18 wrote:Then Mark entered the elevator and waved good bye to his Rose.

This seems like a really dull ending. I think you can do better. Give us something more exciting.

Okay, so there's a few commas and full stops missing here. There's also a few misspelled words. I think I have pointed most of them out. But there may have been a few that escaped my notice. This is easily fixed by reading it through once again and keep a sharp look out for them.

Also, I found this story lacking emotions. That is to say, there is emotions, but there's not enough. I think that you may need to focus on how they felt more, describe it more. Tell us and show us.

But overall, not bad. Could be improved on. But, not bad.

Thank you for your suggestions. I made some changes with it. Pls correct them again if you must

Hi! I'm Teardrop!

First of all, I thought this was good, yet it still could be improved. I thought that you could have ellaborated a bit more on emotions and added depth and vision to your characters. Try and make the reader feel like they're actually there with the characters.
Also, when you start new dialogue, start a new paragraph. Also, you should check out this article about dialogue punctuation- topic44898.html

Zoreo18 wrote:"Rose, I will come back for you, and we can always talk to each other online, I love you." Mark said.

The period after I love you should be a comma.

Zoreo18 wrote:"I'm coming with you." Rose whispered.

The period before the quotations should be a comma.

Zoreo18 wrote:"I'll help you pack." he answered.

Comma instead of the period after pack.

Okay, when there's dialogue, you simply said "he answered" or "Rose whispered" I think that you could have added a bit more emotion and detail. You know, like exactly how they said it. What it sounded like. Dialogue is a really important part of the story. Overall, nice job! I enjoyed reading~

~Tear

Thank you for your suggestions. I will put some changes

This is quite a short piece, which leads me to wonder if it could be a potential preface/prologue to a novel. My other point to make at the beginning is that I have not read the other review, so if there is a repeat I'm sorry.

Zoreo18 wrote:Rose felt her heart break into a million pieces, as she watched her beloved walk out the door. RoseShe could not bear the pain, yet she still watched him go. All their memoriescomma one by one commain several flashbacks came to her. I would re-word this to say ' All of their memories came back to her, one by one.' It just seems to flow better.

I would start a new paragraph for this.Mark came to visit Rose that day because he wanted to tell Rose that he was moving to a different country. Maybe here you could flashback to him coming to knock on her door, her being excited to see him and then him having to tell her. I think it would allow the reader to sympathise with Rose's character more if they see her in different situations rather than you just telling us exactly how she feels. You will see the words 'show not tell' tossed around this sight a lot and it means that you write in such a way that it allows the reader to analyse the characters feelings, instead of simply being told outright. Mark could not even look Rose stragit in the eyes. He didn't want to show her his soft side that would burst into tears saying the word goodbye. Why not? Here we need to know more about Mark and what could possibly causse him to feel this way. You could perhaps insert another flashback at this point, letting the reader get to know his character too.Rose did not know that Mark walked out that door with tears andwishing that he didn't have to go, and if he had the choice he wouldn't leave her.

Rose trembled as Mark closed the door. Her knees grew weak, and so did his. As Mark was about to enter the elevator, he stopped and looked back. AtTo his suprise he saw Rose running towards him. And

New paragraph.Rose said " Mark I dont care how far we are from each other I can wait for you to come back". Mark showed his face to Rose, his face filled with tears.

new paragraph. As soon as Rose stoped talking Mark hugged her and said "Rose, I will come back for you, and we can always talk to each other online, I love you."

Then Mark entered the elevator and waved good bye to his Rose.

This seems to be quite a tedious ending, and is also quite cliché. I like the idea that he waved goodbye to 'his Rose'. As that is the most feeling this story has had.
Don't forget to show us rater than tell us each emotion, and try to develop the characters more.
Also, make sure to spell-check your posts. This can be done easily in Microsoft Word.
Overall, this could be a good short story, but needs a bit of work.
Good luck

Over

I thought it was going to be a sad story, but it turned out to be a nice ending. I enjoyed reading.
Im new here too. HAVE FUN WRITING!

xxx

This isn't grammatical stuff or spelling it's just to make it flow better a a story my thoughts are in red !!

Rose felt her heart break into a million pieces, as she watched her beloved walk out the door. Rose could not bear the pain, yet she still watched him go. All their memories, one by one, in several flashbacks came to her.  

Mark came to visit Rose that day becauseI think it would sound better if you took ou the because ou he wanted to tell Rose that he was moving to a different country. Mark could not even look Rose straight in the eyes. When Mark told Rose that he was moving all of her excitement from seeing Mark disappeared and turned into tears.When you are writing about emotions using figurative language helps alot so you could be like when mark sold her blah blah blah rose felt blah blah blah and you could add something like her heart was being ripped ou of her chest or she losing something inside her.things like thar will help readers understand how she feels She looked at Mark with her captivating hazel eyes all teary. Mark could not bare seeing Rose cry any longer. He wanted to show her that he was strong, so he didn't cry in front of her. Immediately he hugged Rose and wiped off her tears. After a while Rose stopped crying "I love you," Mark said in a soft comforting voice and released his arms from hugging her. "Good-bye," he said causing every part of his body to ache. Mark walked out that door with tears running down his eyes as if it was a race, wishing that he didn't have to go, and if he had the choice, he wouldn't leave her.  

Rose trembled as Mark closed the door. Her knees grew weak, and so did his. As Mark was about to enter the elevator, he stopped and looked back. He wantedHere you should put "as he took his final look back to the home of the girl he loved..." not so cheesy but something sorta like that I am sure you can come up with something better to take one last look at her door. To his surprise he saw Rose running towards him.  

"Mark I don't care how far we are from each other. I can wait for you to come back," she said while gasping for air. Mark showed his face, his faceThis should be his eyes were filled with tears was filled with tears.  

As soon as Rose stopped talking, Mark hugged her. "Rose, I will come back for you, and we can always talk to each other online,No offense but to me that sounds like: rose I will always wait for you ... On Facebook I will always love you," Mark said in a soft, tender and secure voice.  

Mark entered the elevator and waved good-bye to his Rose, but before the doors closed Rose stopped the elevator doors from closing and went in. She hugged Mark then, suddenly she noticed that tears were coming out of Mark's beautiful blue eyes. She knew that she had to do or say something to make him feel better. "I'm coming with you," Rose whispered with her soft calming voice. Mark's blue eyes was filled with joy. "I'll help you pack," he said while gazing upon Rose like she was the most precious thing in this world.  That went really fast it seemed like ""I love you I don't ever want to be with out" and then " okay you want to drop your life entirely and move to another country" and then " yeah sure"" not meaning to be mean it just moved too fast

They went back to her apartment and started packing. And when everything was packed Rose and Mark looked at each other and smiled because they knew that a whole new life was before them. A life that they would share with each other.  

All in all really good I just had a few suggestions which you don't even have y
To use if you don't want to hope this helps
- Jedigeek