Young Writers Society

Today I fell in love with you.
I couldn’t help it. You were everything I had ever wanted, virtually everything I had ever desired since the earth started breathing. There wasn’t a person out there who could quite match up to you in any category of the word beauty. Some people might have looked down on you in some life and called you dumb names like clumsy, awkward, or dimwitted, but I knew every criticism to be completely untrue. Even if they had wanted to truly describe you, the English language is far too primitive to achieve such a feat. It can come close though. In a word, you are, were, and will forever be, perfection.
That’s why I was apprehensive about destroying the beautiful picture that was you. Sitting there in what seemed like a park under an oak tree, legs crossed, head tilted, gently turning the pages of a novel, was both you and the best view of heaven I might ever see. I was afraid of intruding on that slice of serenity and tainting that beautiful picture with my own image that it took quite some time for me to approach you.
When I finally brought up the courage to approach, you stopped me, as I knew so well you would.
“The sun sets once more,” you said. “And so has my chances at finishing this novel.”
I looked up. While mere moments ago it had been unreasonably sunny, the sun was now tilting on the edge of the horizon. I smiled.
“You know how it ends. Why relive it?”
“Perhaps there are mistakes we could have made. Things to be learned from the text.”
“The only true mistakes we have ever made are breathing,” I replied. “Even if that were the case though, you wouldn’t be able to remember it in the next world.”
You sighed and gently closed the book. “You’re right. You’re always right.”
“Except when you’re right.”
That made you crack a beautiful smile. For a moment your eyes glanced at me, and then shot up to the now unchanging sky.
I decided to take a step forward and instantly we were bathed in a sea of lukewarm darkness populated only by us and the thousands of stars shining above.
“Why must the stars always appear as you get close to me?”
“I don’t know. It could be a play on what the normal earth people call us.”
“You mean star-crossed lovers?”
“That’s the one. It means that our souls are destined to fall in love and get split apart. We always end up dying madly in love.”
You sulked. “That’s the part I hate. Why can’t we ever grow old together? Get to love each other forever?”
I'd thought long and hard on this before. “Well, in a way everyone is a star-crossed lover. Divorces happen, hearts are broken due to unrequited love, and what happens most of the time is the passion and excitement dies down due to time and circumstances. Even the most devoted old lovers will eventually succumb to old age and die.”
“I understand all of that but wouldn’t you like to know just once what it feels like to live a peaceful, normal life?”
I pondered that. “Yes, I would. But not if it meant giving up spending eternity together.”
“I completely agree,” you blurted out the moment I said that. “I’m fully prepared to deal with a billion more tragedies if it means being able to see and talk to you again like this.”
“It really isn’t so bad when you think about it after all,” I said, taking another step forward and watching the stars flicker. “In each new life we get to be young again, get to experience new bodies, are able to feel the excitement of exploring each other’s new bodies and feelings for the first time, and best of all experience the bliss of falling in love young again and again. Sometimes we even become insanely famous, as is the case when we were Romeo and Juliet. “
You finally formed a real, genuine smile, and stared at me directly. “It was probably fun to be Juliet.”
“Actually I believe I was Juliet.”
We smiled at each other. Neither of us could really remember.
“We could remember if we stayed in this place long enough. There is no need though, one day we will be able to reminisce all of the adventures we have lived without a care in the world. For now, it is time for us to meet in a new world.”
“I eagerly await both days.” I was glad I was able to instill hope in you. That is what fills me with hope.
Wordlessly you stick your hand out to me and I move forward. As we begin moving the sky starts to flicker again. The moment we touch we will vanish. Soon my form in this planet will dissipate and I will start life new as a baby on earth. Whatever gender I am you will be the opposite. Most likely whatever conflict my family is apart of you will be on the opposite side. So is the fate of star-crossed lovers.
“You,” you said. “And I.”
“I,” I said. “And you.”
“”One day we will fall in love again!””

Hello there!

I would just like to say very well written! the sense of mystery gives the whole story kind of a good vibe, kind of an erie vibe as well. but for nitpicks--- i didnt quite understand where the setting was, who the characters quite were (boy/ girl or boy/boy), so you might wanna clear that up. otherwise, the sense of the "star-crossed lovers" is quite interesting, and it would be interesting to see if you wanted to take that somewhere.
again, very well written.

--Ash

Interesting concept. You lost me a little bit as you went on just because, being a rather non-emotional person, it seemed sappy to me. That's a minimal critique, though, because I do actually love the idea. Your style was superb and the only grammatical error I noticed was "and so has my chances." Watch for subject verb agreement/pluralization. Other than that, bravo. I was charmed by you. Very close to "perfection."

Wow! I really really liked this. The concept was new and unique for me and the emotions flowed out of the page. I kinda liked the fact that you haven't defined the gender of the characters, since it keeps on changing and doesn't really matter. You set the mood quite well and I was riveted the whole time. Kudos for a job well done.

I thought this was very interesting and well written. I didn't like the way you started it, though.

I couldn’t help it. You were everything I had ever wanted, virtually everything I had ever desired since the earth started breathing. There wasn’t a person out there who could quite match up to you in any category of the word beauty. Some people might have looked down on you in some life and called you dumb names like clumsy, awkward, or dimwitted, but I knew every criticism to be completely untrue. Even if they had wanted to truly describe you, the English language is far too primitive to achieve such a feat. It can come close though. In a word, you are, were, and will forever be, perfection.

It just seemed like you were sugar coating everything with sparkly unicorn pixy dust.... or something.... Pahaha I don't know, that description was a bit weird, but what I mean is, this whole paragraph is sickly-sweet, you know what I mean? You spent two or three paragraphs in the beginning just talking about how perfect the second character was, and it got kind of boring.

Also, you made them seem like strangers at the beginning, but then they started talking like they were in a Shakespeare play or something. It just seemed a little off to me.

One more thing (this one is tiny) you didn't specify the genders of the main characters. I kind of got the feeling that it was girl/girl since they both talked about being Juliet. But if they're not and it's girl/boy, then you should probably specify that and take out the double Juliet thing. (Unless I was right the first time and it's girl/girl)

Overall I thought this was unique and I liked it :3 keep up the good work!

Hello there.

Nitpicks:

Today I fell in love with you.

- I think there should be a comma after 'Today'.

...who could quite match up to you in any category of the word beauty.

- The word 'beauty' should at least be in apostrophes or quotation marks.

...in some life and called you dumb names like clumsy, awkward, or dimwitted,

- The words 'clumsy', 'awkward', and 'dim-witted' should be in apostrophes or quotation marks.
- Also, it should be 'dim-witted'.

That’s why I was apprehensive about destroying the beautiful picture that was you. Sitting there in what seemed like a park under an oak tree, legs crossed, head tilted, gently turning the pages of a novel, was both you and the best view of heaven I might ever see.

- The first sentence made me think like she actually wants to destroy him. But after reading on, it became confusing. Did you mean that she wanted to 'destroy that beautiful picture of him, sitting there in what seemed like a park under an oak tree, legs crossed, head tilted...'?

I was afraid of...that it took quite some time for me to approach you.

- I think you should put 'too' before 'afraid' because of the sentence pattern you used: '...too/so (adjective) that...' For example: 'I was so scared that I fainted.'

When I finally brought up the courage to approach,

- 'brought up' seemed to be incorrectly used here. Perhaps, 'got' is better?

“The only true mistakes we have ever made are breathing,”

- I think you should just stick with singular here. Change 'mistakes' and 'are'.

I decided to take a step forward and instantly we were bathed in a sea of lukewarm darkness populated only by us and the thousands of stars shining above.

- I think you should put a comma after 'instantly'. The sentence seems to run so fast.
- Also, there were stars already?

“Actually I believe I was Juliet.”

- I suppose there should be a comma after 'Actually'.

Most likely whatever conflict my family is apart of you will be on the opposite side.

- Put a comma after 'likely'.
- Also, the sentence didn't make sense grammatically. Did you mean 'Most likely, whatever conflict my family has, a part of you will be on the opposite side.' or something?


This story and its concept is interesting. However, having watched 'Hancock', this felt really unoriginal. o.o But I think, you were able to make it your own in some way. I actually don't know what to say so that this can be improved 'cause this is really a big concept. Maybe, it would be clearer if it had some more chapters or back story or something. It was like: One moment, you were giving a fine introduction. Then the next thing I knew, they were talking so seriously and maturely like I was in the middle of a big film made for adults. Then the ending was rather quick. It seemed like this story had no plot at all. It was like - They talked. End of story. I didn't get it. I mean, the story didn't seem to connect to me as a reader. Like I said, this concept is really huge. o.o

Anyway, the good thing that I quickly saw is your wide vocabulary. Your grammar is also good too. I only noticed one seemingly ungrammatical sentence (which I nitpicked).

Never stop writing!