Young Writers Society

I got bored during English class. Lol. We were watching Romeo and Juliet, so I decided to write a short romance. Enjoy!!

Upon Your Love

Laughter echoed through the woods as I chased you. Both of us were reckless, running through the woods at night without shoes, feeling the moist Earth beneath our feet. You broke through the treeline into a hidden meadow where the fireflies fluttered here and there.

Finally, I caught up to you and put my arm around your waist, tripping over air. We both tumbled to the ground, I on top of you. Your eyes glittered as I looked upon them, reflecting the light of the fireflies.

Reaching up, I brush the hair from your eyes away and put my forehead against yours. I could feel my heartbeat hammering against yours. The sweet scent of flowers ascend from you, matching the aroma surrounding us from the meadow.

You smiled at me and push me off, laughing as you run to the far side of the meadow. I smiled and chased after you, feeling happier than I had ever been in my life. You ran into the midst of the fireflies, joining them in their everlasting, enchanting dance.

Mesmerized by the motions you did, i gazed as an angel smiled at me. You held out your hand to me, offering me salvation, sanctuary, and love. Without hesitation, i grasped your hand and pulled you to me, wrapping my hand around your waist.

Gently, I leaned in next to your face. Your heartbeat quickened, breathing became unsteady, and held on to me tighter. I moved my face next to your ear.

“I love you my angel.” I whispered upon your ear. You moved your face to meet mine and embraced our lips in a everlasting kiss.

The fireflies rose around us, and I never left your side....

Hey Jalmoc!

That. Was. Amazing!
I didn't know one could write so well, with so much emotion and thought without actually feeling such love!
So, my big question. Have you felt such love?

Ha, okay, back to business. I found some minor mistakes:
(i) In the last paragraph, your " i "s need to be capital.
(ii)

Gently, I leaned in next to your face.

I'm not sure about this, I mean, I guess I could be wrong, but that sentence didn't seem to fit in for me :/

Other than those two, I love it!
Oh! This line :

You ran into the midst of the fireflies, joining them in their everlasting, enchanting dance.

Simple. Nice. Obivous.

Well Done!

Hi there, Wesmoc! Look at you, all romantic and everything! xD Anyways, I'm here to review... or somethin' like that. Your writing is amazing. This story was so cute, I really like it. That's what Romeo & Juliet do to people! >.> I'll never watch it. NEVER EVER! D8 Lol.

Jalmoc wrote:I got bored during English class. Lol. We were watching Romeo and Juliet, so I decided to write a short romance. Enjoy!!

At least they didn't make you read it... or did they? Okay, okay... I'll start my review now. =.= xD

Nitpicks:

Jalmoc wrote:Laughter echoed through the woods as I chased you. Both of us were reckless, running through the woods at night without shoes, feeling the moist Earth beneath our feet.

The word "wood" sounds repetitive, I would change one of them by something else. -Something I can't think about right now-

Jalmoc wrote:Finally, I caught up to you and put my arm around your waist, tripping over air.

Niiiiceeee...

Jalmoc wrote:Mesmerized by the motions you did, i gazed as an angel smiled at me.

"I" should be uppercase. D8 Lol.

Jalmoc wrote: Without hesitation, i grasped your hand and pulled you to me, wrapping my hand around your waist.

Same.

Jalmoc wrote:“I love you my angel.” I whispered upon your ear.

There should be a comma after "you" and that period in red should be a comma too.

Jalmoc wrote: You moved your face to meet mine and embraced our lips in a everlasting kiss.
The fireflies rose around us, and I never left your side....

D'awwwww... that was a sweet ending. xD

Great job! Keep writing!

~Solvy<3

Hey there, Jalmoc! I'm Walker, here with a review, so I hope you don't mind!

Nit-Picks:



Overall:

Every writer gets the urge to just write something happy and giddy. Something that doesn't have to do with conflict or bad happening. They don't want to write about flaws or character or anything that really makes a story a story, so they write small, tid-bits that no one ever sees nor do they really care about.

I don't want to be rude, but this is that kind of piece.

To be completely honest with you, as cute and romantic as this was, there was no plotline, so-to-speak, and there was no real building with this. We got from the first line what we got from the last. There was nothing gained, nothing learned. Everything was pretty much blatant and boring in that sense.

So, make this apart of something if you want to keep it. Don't post something as a short story that does not have any story elements but use it in a much larger story! Like this could be the end of something, or the beginning before things go wrong! We, as writers, do get to have that happy moment at the end if we so choose. We get to write the fun giddy things but we can't just write that and expect people to treat it as a short story, ne?

So I thought this was cute and very romantic, but in all honesty, I didn't much care for the idea of it being called a short story. I'm sure you can see that for yourself.

~Walker

ThIs is a really good story, I really liked it There is a just a few capitalization
Mistake though and some grammatical stuff

We both tumbled to the ground, I on top of you.This sound wierd to me it sounds like it should be "I landed on top of you" or something like that

You smiled at me and push me off,Push should be pushed

i gazed as an angel smiled at me. The I needs to be capitalized

Yeah so jut few thing you need to fix but it was really good

This was so pretty!

I am a conflict person myself, however this painted a beautiful picture in my mind! (A pleasant change to the sadness of late...)

I quite enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing.
~FW~

You write with such feeling! I loved this! Your seriosly talented, keep up the great work!

You have a lot of feeling in what you write, however it didn't really engage me much.
You could perhaps say the smells of the surroundings in your story, or you could use touch more in your story, or any other senses. Wasnt quite there, could do improvement.

Love Haylie ♥♀♥