Young Writers Society

Hello YWS, another story for you to enjoy!!


Sacrifice


I looked to her as the sun beat down on our heads. I can’t believe that summer is already here. I thought to myself as we walked along the garden path. I never realized how beautiful her hair was in the sun...


I watched as she pushed the hair out of her eyes, letting the sun light up her face. She glanced over at me and smiled. In response, I smiled back at her, feeling my cheeks get a little red.


“So, what do you want to do today?” she asked me while grabbing my hand. I quickly looked down at her hand holding mine, thought about it for a moment, and shrugged my shoulders.


She started laughing and said,”Indecisive as always.” I laughed at that too and pulled her next to one of the trees along the long winding path. I pulled her to me, embracing her.


She put her head on my shoulder and embraced me back. I could feel her heart beat beating against my own. I broke the embrace to look into her eyes. Crystal light blue looked back into my eyes.


I never wanted that moment to end. The butterflies had started rising up around her, dancing and fluttering here and there. I leaned in a little closer, her eyes almost touching mine.


That’s when it happened....


“Scream and I’ll kill you,” said a voice from behind the tree. She grasped on to me as tight as she could, fear vibrant within her eyes.


“Hand over everything you have,” said the voice. I started emptying my pockets, pulling out hundreds of dollars that I had been saving for a special occasion today. It was our anniversary....


I was going to ask her to marry me... I thought to myself as I pulled out the box that contained the ring. When she saw the box drop to the ground, her eyes widened and tears sprang to her eyes. Her hands dug into my back as she sobbed.


The man stepped out from behind the tree. The first thing that I saw was the barrel of a revolver. The gun glinted in the sunlight, threatening the line between life and death.


I stepped in front of her, not thinking of the consequences. The man pointed the gun at my hard beating heart.


“Not another step closer,” the man threatened. He came closer and told me to hand him my possessions that i had placed upon the ground. Very slowly I laid the items at his feet, keeping my hands where he could see them.


After I had done that, I embraced her and told her that I wouldn't let him get away with this. Then he said the words that pushed me over the edge.


“I’ll also be taking the girl with me. She’ll  fetch a lovely price.” he said. This made me look at the cold hearted man with pure hatred. Without thinking, I lunged for the gun.


I heard it before I felt it...


Three shots rang throughout the park, making the birds cry out in fear. The thing was... I couldn’t tell if it was the birds, or my love...


Black spots started filling my vision as tears started to pour from my eyes. I looked down at my heart to find that it was full of holes... I tried to put my hand against it, but was rewarded with another hollow shot.


I started slowly to fall backwards. I hit the cold ground, and saw nothing but the blue sky above me. Puffy clouds floated lazily by me as I saw the last moments of my life.

I felt someone put my head in their lap and  kiss me upon my forehead. I felt something wet drip from above me and heard sobs as I slipped into the afterlife....

Hello,

that was, well, awesome!

Negatives first, there aren't many.

I'd condense it into fewer paragraphs as the transition lost raw emotion, but i would isolate "I heard it befor I felt it" very powerful.
The other thing is, i think the word embrace was over used i'd try and find another word to replace it.

Positives!
What a twist ~ I've only just got into the lovey writing and that's what I expected and then you did that! Well done!
I liked the characters and liked how they were nameless! (I may contradict this shortly)

Improvements.
Could we get a bigger build up til this moment, and then bang and then the reader is truly thrown offguard.
The paragraphs i've already mentioned.
And this has just occured to me, I think more emotion is needed towards the end. It's all amazing imagery but i think a bit more emotion could make it pop, like when he gets shot for example!
And, lastly, could she scream his name once he has been shot, or does that go against the point?

Anyways i loved it,
keep it up and message me for anything.

Well done
~Retro disco666

Blah!!! Sad! Sad! Sad!

Well written, however it did not grab me write at the start. You give allot of descriptions but it lacks some feel a few changes here and there would fix this problem.

Keep Writing,
~FW~

That was pretty spectacular... I didn't see any mistakes, everything was pretty great. Just a few grammar things here and there. But the story was very touching, i love that theme (I'm using it in my novel) I feel like sacrificing yourself for a loved one is an immensely powerful idea that people definitely want to read about; it's the extent of human emotion.

Again, great job, really powerful stuff and I would love it if you read some of my stuff.

I loved this story....it showed how much you care and you really put your feelings into your work. You would make a great writer and you should take it into consideration. This story is one of my favs from you. It has a lot of feeling and its really deep. I love it and i hope you write more.

Well, Wes this is really good. But like I said, if only there was more action. Maybe like a fight scene between the man with the gun and the man with the girl. Anyways, it is still a great story

Alright, this was pretty good. Now, this nit-pick all depends on location. If they're in the middle of a park in the city, I don't really think that the mugger would have tried to kidnap her unless it was planned. To me kidnappings have more purpose than just random. If they're in a park in the country, I don't really see a mugger trying to rob them out there. It all depends on perspective I guess. There were a couple of grammatical errors, but those are easy fixes. A note on the ellipses: don't overuse them. There were at least five in there that were not needed. Also, give the characters a little bit more personality. I didn't get much except that the guy was a little on the shy side. Other than those, I'd say this off to a great start. Keep writing and PM me if you've got questions!

Cheers,
Luxe

My first review! I will do my best regardless, i hope it is up to par with this sites standards...

That was a brilliant piece, very emotive and well written. I personally prefer to read short and simple stories, as i can read them without having to make sure i am free for the next half an hour, especially those which center around a single event but are as emotional as any other story i have read. My only criticism is the lack of description, though it may be out of place in a story such as this, but hey, i need to give some bad comments as well as good comments, that is the whole purpose of reviews! My personal favorite line is "The thing was... I couldn’t tell if it was the birds, or my love... ", which serves to highlight how he is confused about what is happening.

All in all, i give it a 9/10, the one point off because of the detail factor.

Hey,

First off, I adored this! It hooked me from the very beginning. It was super sad, but I like stories that grab ahold of your emotions and twist them, like you did here for me. There are only a few negative things. Try to use a wider variety of words, like "I pulled her to me, embracing her. She put her head on my shoulder and embraced me back." You used embrace twice really close together, try using other words in place of embraced when you're saying "She _____ me back. I loved the imagery throughout the whole thing, just go back thorugh and check for small mistakes. Keep writing!

sunxkissedxme

Haha, well, I definitely didn't see that one coming!

I don't know... it seems really random, like you weren't really sure of what to put, so you decided to make him die randomly. It doesn't really seem like he's going to propose at all... in fact, it seemed like a sweet teenage romance when I first read it, so that the mere idea that they were thinking about getting married was strange.

I think he would be considerably more nervous of proposing and how he should do it, etc., etc. By making him appear anxious about this means that we have another conflict to focus on, so it's not just everything is hunky-dory and then he's dead. Instead, by drawing in this conflict, it becomes more heart-wrenching and sad. After all, the biggest thing on his mind is him worrying about proposing, and then everything ends.

But, with all that said, the beginning scene is absolutely adorable and I haven't read such a cute scene for a long time. Just draw out the conflict more in the beginning by making him nervous and this will be much better.