Young Writers Society

Taras held Nastya close to him, her amber eyes were glowing reflecting off of the light. He was not going to let her go again. They were together now and nothing could come between them. She rested her head on his shoulder as they moved back and forth across the room. Taras did not notice the people that had come to see them wed, he only focused on her.
“What took you so long?” He asked looking down at her, she did not respond immediately.
Finally she pulled back from him slightly staring up at him, “I don’t know.” She said, she could not tell him of what had happened over the past few years. She could not bring herself to tell him yet…not yet.
Taras stopped, smiling down at her. “I understand.”
Someone in the crowd caught his attention, ”Taras?” Nastya looked around searching for whatever had caught Taras’s attention but the man had slipped away into the crowd.
“Nothing,” He said quickly, returning his gaze to Nastya. “Why are you so beautiful?” He asked smiling.
She blushed looking into her husband’s eyes, “I don’t know you tell me.”
He laughed nervously, “Because the Creator knew exactly what he was doing when he made you.” He replied bringing her closer to him.
Taras remembered their wedding day like it was only yesterday, but it had only been a year. Now Teivel, his father, held Nastya close to him, a dagger was pointed to her chest.
“Why?” Taras asked, Teivel had been a tyrant over Avel for years but was thought to be dead.
“Why?” He chuckled, “Did you really think that I was going to let you get away with stealing my throne did you?”
Nastya was breathing heavily, she was caught her secret was about to be revealed.
“Then take me! Your fight is not with her!” Taras said desperately, Teivel smiled slightly looking down at Nastya.
“Oh you have not told him yet?” He pressed the dagger to her throat, “Go on, tell him your little secret.”
Tears streamed down Nastya’s face, “No.”
“No?” Teivel pressed the blade into her neck, drawing blood. “I think you should reconsider.”
“I was sent to…” Nastya stopped, “kill you.” Taras shook his head in disbelief, “ I wanted to tell you-“
Nastya did not get to finish, Teivel took the dagger from her neck and thrust it into her abdomen letting her drop to the floor, blood pooled around her.
Teivel backed away slowly, leaving the throne room. Taras ran to Nastya he fell to his knees and scooped her up. “I’m sorry, Taras.” She said between gasps of breath.
Taras caressed her face, tears flowed down his face in a steady stream, “It doesn’t matter anymore.” He looked down at her wound; the dagger had gone right through her. He could do nothing to save her.
She struggled to breathe, “T-Taras.” She could barely speak.
He took her hand shakily, kissing it, “Yes.” He smiled weakly; looking into her eyes, the light behind them was fading.
“I…I…” She breathed her last breath, Taras closed her eyes slowly.

Wow, this was a really interesting passage to read. I was completely sucked from the real world to the world you had created. I also really liked the creative names
Just a few things I thought I should point out. My corrections are in red, my suggestions in blue.


Taras held Nastya close to him, her amber eyes were glowing reflecting off of the light. I think that sentence would work a lot better if you said something like: Taras held Nastya close to him, her amber eyes glowing from the reflection of the light. He was not going to let her go ever again. They were together now and nothing could come between them. She rested her head on his shoulder as they moved back and forth across the room. Taras did not notice the people that had come to see them wed, he only focused on her. I only realised at this point that you meant dancing when you said 'moved back and forth across the room', so maybe try to make that a little clearer.
“What took you so long?” He asked looking down at her, she did not respond immediately. You don't really explain what Taras means by this. I'm guessing he means what took her so long to say yes to marrying him, but I'm not sure, so maybe try to explain that.
Finally she pulled back from him. Slightly staring up at him, Nastya said “I don’t know.” She could not tell him of what had happened over the past few years. She could not bring herself to tell him yet…not yet. I like the mystery you manage to put in here, it got me curious.
Taras stopped, smiling down at her. “I understand.”
Someone in the crowd caught his attention, "Taras?” Nastya looked around searching for whatever had caught Taras’s attention but the man had slipped away into the crowd.
“Nothing,” He said quickly, returning his gaze to Nastya. “Why are you so beautiful?” He asked smiling.
She blushed looking into her new husband’s eyes, “I don’t know, you tell me.”
He laughed nervously. “Because the Creator knew exactly what he was doing when he made you,” He replied, bringing her closer to him.
Taras remembered their wedding day like it was only yesterday, but it had only been a year. Now Teivel, his father, held Nastya close to him, a dagger was pointed to her chest. This bit confused me. It says she remembered like it was ONLY yesterday, but it had ONLY been a year? I was thinking maybe it should be more like: It was only yesterday, yet it had been a year. Just a thought.
“Why?” Taras asked, Teivel had been a tyrant over Avel for years but was thought to be dead.
“Why?” He chuckled, “Did you really think that I was going to let you get away with stealing my throne did you?”
Nastya was breathing heavily, she was caught her secret was about to be revealed.
“Then take me! Your fight is not with her!” Taras said desperately, Teivel smiled slightly looking down at Nastya.
“Oh you have not told him yet?” He pressed the dagger to her throat, “Go on, tell him your little secret.”
Tears streamed down Nastya’s face, “No.”
“No?” Teivel pressed the blade into her neck, drawing blood. “I think you should reconsider.”
“I was sent to…” Nastya stopped, “kill you.” Taras shook his head in disbelief, “ I wanted to tell you-“
Nastya did not get to finish, Teivel took the dagger from her neck and thrust it into her abdomen letting her drop to the floor, blood pooled around her.
Teivel backed away slowly, leaving the throne room. Taras ran to Nastya he fell to his knees and scooped her up. “I’m sorry, Taras.” She said between gasps of breath.
Taras caressed her face, tears flowed down his face in a steady stream, “It doesn’t matter anymore.” He looked down at her wound; the dagger had gone right through her. He could do nothing to save her.
She struggled to breathe, “T-Taras.” She could barely speak.
He took her hand shakily, kissing it, “Yes.” He smiled weakly; looking into her eyes, the light behind them was fading.
“I…I…” She breathed her last breath, Taras closed her eyes slowly.


Just a few things I didn't mention. For one, you need to remember to start a new paragraph every time someone new speaks. Also, make the dramatic bits longer. There are some heavy, intense moments in your story, but they lose a lot of affect because you pass them too quickly. You need to draw them out a little longer and add more detail, more tension to these moments.
So I hope this helps, I really loved your story, yet I feel it has to the potential to be loads better.

Taras held Nastya close to him, her amber eyes were glowing reflecting off of the light. He was not going to let her go again. They were together now and nothing could come between them. She rested her head on his shoulder as they moved back and forth across the room. Taras did not notice the people that had come to see them wed, he only focused on her.

“What took you so long?” He asked looking down at her, she did not respond immediately.

Finally she pulled back from him slightly staring up at him, “I don’t know.” She said, she could not tell him of what had happened over the past few years. She could not bring herself to tell him yet…not yet.

Taras stopped, smiling down at her. “I understand.”

Someone in the crowd caught his attention, ”Taras?” Nastya looked around searching for whatever had caught Taras’s attention but the man had slipped away into the crowd. Maybe 'Nastya said, looking around...' I was just confused as to who was talking there.

“Nothing,” He said quickly, returning his gaze to Nastya. “Why are you so beautiful?” He asked comma smiling.

She blushed looking into her husband’s eyes, “I don’t know comma you tell me.”

He laughed nervously, “Because the Creator knew exactly what he was doing when he made you.” He replied comma bringing her closer to him.

This transition between times threw me off. Is there some way you could make it clearer?
Taras remembered their wedding day like it was only yesterday, but it had only been a year. Now Teivel, his father, held Nastya close to him, a dagger was pointed to her chest.

“Why?” Taras asked, Teivel had been a tyrant over Avel for years but was thought to be dead.

“Why?” He chuckled, “Did you really think that I was going to let you get away with stealing my throne did you?” Either "Did you really think that I was going to let you get away with stealing my throne?" or "You didn't really think I was going to let you get away with stealing my throne, did you?" The way you have it phrased currently doesn't make sense.

Nastya was breathing heavily, she was caught comma, or semi-colon her secret was about to be revealed.

“Then take me! Your fight is not with her!” Taras said desperately, you need a "while" or an "as" here if this is all going to be one sentence Teivel smiled slightly looking down at Nastya.

“Oh you have not told him yet?” He pressed the dagger to her throat, “Go on, tell him your little secret.”

Tears streamed down Nastya’s face, “No.”

“No?” Teivel pressed the blade into her neck, drawing blood. “I think you should reconsider.”

“I was sent to…” Nastya stopped, “kill you.” Taras shook his head in disbelief, “ I wanted to tell you-“ This line reads a little awkwardly.

Nastya did not get to finish, Teivel took the dagger from her neck and thrust it into her abdomen letting her drop to the floor, blood pooled around her. Okay, you're starting to use some imagery and description, but I'd like to see some more. Blood is great for writing, so really go for it. What does it smell like? Look like? Feel like? If you want this to be effective you need more detail. That goes for the rest of the story too.

Teivel backed away slowly, leaving the throne room. Taras ran to Nastya. He fell to his knees and scooped her up. Careful with things like that. You don't 'scoop up' someone who was just stabbed. That would be unbelievably painful for her. Make sure you don't lose the realism to the romance. “I’m sorry, Taras.” She said between gasps of breath.

Taras caressed her face, tears flowed down his face in a steady stream, “It doesn’t matter anymore.” He looked down at her wound; the dagger had gone right through her. He could do nothing to save her. This feels a little sanitised. I know, I keep asking for the gory details, and that's not what this piece is about. It's about love. But that could be shown through other things. I think attempts to put pressure on the wound and stem the bleeding wouldn't go astray.Remember that they're people, so dialogue isn't the only way they connect with each other. Try talking about body heat, or squeezing each others hands. There are a thousand little things people would do in that horrible situation which would express their emotions better than simple observations about him crying.

She struggled to breathe, “T-Taras.” She could barely speak.

He took her hand shakily, kissing it, “Yes.” He smiled weakly; looking into her eyes, the light behind them was fading.

“I…I…” She breathed her last breath. Taras closed her eyes slowly.

This is interesting, but it feels like it's a piece of something else and has been taken out of context. Is it part of a larger story? The characters as they exist here lack depth. I want to know more about them. Why was she sent to kill him? Who sent her? Where did Teivel go? Is he going to return in another story? You left me with more questions than answers, which is good if this is a teaser for some longer story, but bad if this is the entire thing. You need to develop your characters more and let us know what they're thinking and feeling, and greater description and detail in your writing would also be good.
I like the ideas and I'd like to se you really milk them for all they're worth.
I hope this is helpful.

-pigeon