Young Writers Society

Anna was walking home from school when it happened. She was walking down the off the main road it was not much of a street more like a large ally. He had come out of nowhere a kidnapper. He tied her arms together after he had gagged her then he pulled her into the back door of a store. It was a small room with gray walls and a hard wood floor. There were empty boxes that had been full of meat before. Must be a butcher's shop. she thought to herself .Then he then worked on tying her feet together too.

"Now you will stay here for a bit it's not like you have a choice any way." What an ass. She thought to her self then she heard a few people come in and out then slowly drifted off to sleep.She woke up in the morning. Her stomach growled she was so hungry. She wondered what the man was planning to do. This thought made her nervous so she decided hold off that thought as long as she could. Instead she imagined her strong football player boyfriend coming in knocking out the man, scooping her up and showering her with kisses. Then she heard footsteps then the door opened slowly and in came a boy. she had seen him somewhere before she did not know where though. When he saw her he dropped the box that he was carrying the butchers knife falling off the top.

"Hey what is taking so long." She recognized that voice it was the voice of her captor and it was coming closer and closer.

"Wat the hell is this." The boy said pointing at Anna.

"Nothing get back to work."

"No Not until you tell me what is going on. What is this girl doing here? Why are you being so cruel to her. That is it I am calling the police."

"No you aren't." The butcher said slowly backing up and taking a knife off the counter. Then he ran at the boy with the knife. The boy quickly jumped out of the way grabbing the knife off the floor then he went over to where the butcher was trying to get the knife out of the wall where it was stuck and stabbed him in the back then he picked her up and they walked out the back door first he cut her feet free with the still bloody knife then he did her hands then finally her mouth.
After he had done all that he slowly leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips it felt so right and so wrong at the same time.

This can so not be happen she thought as she stared at the boy across from her. She had kissed him. She finally Daniel Smith that was his name and he was also known as Danny the emo. He was the topic of most jokes in school. She was sad to say it but she had made fun of him too. Now she was gazing into his dark eyes. In his eyes she did not see what she had expected to see sadness and hatred but instead they were beautiful and soft. She felt so horrible about how she had treated him in the past.

“Sorry Daniel” she said in a soft voice. Daniel stared at her confused

“What?”

“I said that I am sorry” she said why was he asking her these silly questions? She had been so very cruel to him at school but he did not seem to hate her he. He has the right to hate me she thought.

“I know I heard you but I want to know what you are sorry for? You haven't done anything wrong. Don't worry no one has to know about what just happened. It will be our secret Anna I promise.” He told her speaking gently.

“No Daniel I mean the way that I treated you at school.”she said “Daniel I don't care if all the other popular kids know about it. Hell I don't care if my lazy asshole football player of a boyfriend knows about it. Because I really like you Danny. She said wrapping her arms around him and burying her head in his chest. His hoodie made his chest feel soft it felt nice against her face unlike her boyfriends foot ball jersey.

“Really?” he whispered down into her head.

“Yes Danny feel free to refuse me though if I am not what really you want. Just know that I love you.” she said leaning back from his chest a little bit to look up at him. “I love you back.” He replied. Slowly they leaned together and kissed. His lips were chapped but she did not mind she was finally kissing a boy that she really loved and she was not kissing him for popularity or to get back at a friend she truly loved him. “One second” she said quietly pushing away from him and walking lightly into the ally off the back road that they were on. It was dark and this made him nervous what if she was leaving him or what if somebody was lurking in the shadows. Then he heard her phone dial and he stopped worrying.

She stood in the dark ally waiting for her boyfriend to pick up his phone finally he did.

“Hello Mark.” she said in her usual voice

“Hey honey what's up?” he responded

“Not much, but I need to talk to you.” she was starting to feel nervous about doing this but she could wimp out now.

“Sure go ahead.”

“Well Mark we have been dating for a long time and there is something that I have not told you.” She said quietly.

“What?” he asked

“Well Honey I just think it is time for us to start seeing other people.” She felt so nervous as she waited for his response.

"What the hell Anna are you breaking up with me?” he was yelling which made her feel even more nervous than she all ready did.

“Sort of.” She replied.

“What did I ever do to you? Just help me understand, Anna what did I do wrong?”

“Nothing you did not do anything” she said her voice shaking slightly.

“Then why Anna?” Mark yelled. “There is someone else isn't there. Who is he Anna? Tell me now.”

“Mark the only reason that I ever dated you is because I wanted to fit in to be popular! Now I have realized that all this time I haven't been who I am, who I want to be! Oh and the truth is you are a stupid asshole!” She screamed at him and then slammed her phone shut. She was proud of her self.

She ran up the ally and pulled Danny her new kind boyfriend into a big hug.

“Thank you Danny.” She said into his chest. “Thank you for helping me realize who I am and want to be.” He held her tight and whispered into her head.

“I think it is time for me to take you home now.”

______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Authors Note:
Listen I have a really hard time with punctuation so if there are any errors I apologize. I also tried to follow all advice and if anyone would like to fix punctuation and grammar only it would be greatly appricated and I will give you 55 points if you are the first to send it to me with your user name. My email is:

iammyownworstnightmare@hotmail.com

Hi, Anonymous Anarchist! I was going to nickname you AA but then I realized that wouldn't quite work...hehe.

Anyway, I'm here to review, and at this point, I just have one word for you: paragraphs. More than anything else, this story needs more paragraphs. It's like a big text blob now and it's hard to follow who's saying what. But if you break it up into more paragraphs, we'll be able to follow along. The best part is, it only takes a few clicks to do

Basically, you'll want to break into a new paragraph every single time someone new is speaking, or when the focus shifts to something else. Pick up a copy of a favorite book and you'll see that the dialogue alternates between each speaker. Just helps out the reader a ton, 'tis all.

My other main comment would be that I was having a hard time figuring out whose perspective this is from, Danny's or Anna's. One minute it seems like we're in her head, another his... I think you should stick to one for now

But, on a general note, I like that this starts us off right where the action starts. Usually, we'd have to wade through a few chapters of boring stuff first before we get to the good stuff. So thanks for dropping us right into it. I wonder what's gong to happen next...and sort of worried for Danny. Mark doesn't sound exactly happy about this. Uh oh.

And... that's it. Let me know if you have any questions!

Rach

Getting to the point, I don't really like the title. It's kind of... I don't know, but it somehow bugs me. The story is good, though I think starting off where the action is made me feel like the characters weren't really that developed. The punctuation needs to be fixed too. But overall, I liked the story! Keep up the good work!

Agreeing with previous reviews, the paragraph separation is something you need to work on along with the title. It seems quite sterotypical, could you not describe her as something other than emo?

RachaelElg wrote:Hi, Anonymous Anarchist! I was going to nickname you AA but then I realized that wouldn't quite work...hehe.

:O great minds think alike! ... but then again idiots think in pairs...

Nipicks:

AnonymousAnarchist wrote:Oh no this cant be happening I think this indicates thoughts betterAnna thought to herself as she stared at the boy across from her. No full stop needed there.

AnonymousAnarchist wrote:and soft. New paragraph“Sorry Danielcomma” she said in a soft voice.

AnonymousAnarchist wrote:I mean to chatty for third person viewpoint, I'd reword it or take it out completely.this would have been fine if it was any other boy but why himquestion mark.

This is as far as I got because the paragraphs are a real issue for me and I can't read it well.
When you fix it I'll review again if you'd like

Hey there AnonymousAnarchist! Did you know if you try to say your username, like, ten times fast, it turns into a bunch of na na na’s? Hehe!

Okay, review time, huh!

Rachael covered the biggest point I would have made about this which was the paragraphs. Here’s a wonderful article on separating paragraphs. I would consider giving it a read as well as taking what Rachael has said into consideration.

What I figured I would comment on most is names. Names can make or break a character, at least in my opinion. When I first started reading this, the first thing I was reminded of was a quote by Jay Asher when asked about the name he chose for his novel Thirteen Reasons Why:

Jay Asher wrote:Early on, my main female character was named Anna Baker. But I discovered several other novels dealing with suicidal character named Anna, so I thought I’d give girls named Anna a break.

As an overall, though, the name Anna is extremely common. It only rarely dropped out of the top 100’s in the last hundred and twenty years and for a long time, it ranked number two. Not that Anna is a bad name but a name with a bit more spice would be nice.
Also, I think that “Danny the emo” should actually be written with the e capitalized in “emo.” It’s a bit like when they called king’s things like “Henry the Great.”

Overall, I do like that you started up the action right away though I would have loved to have seen and gotten a better feel for the setting before the action.

By the way, your Helen Bonham Carter avatar is absolutely wonderful!
And if you have any questions, feel free to PM me or leave a message on my wall!

I like this alot, but it kind of starts in the middle of nowhere.
It needs paragraphs too. But besides those I really like this ~mari

Hey! I'm here to review.

To tell you the truth I thought it was way to short and unorganized. I became kind of bored also. You need to describe what in the world in going on at the beginning and when Anna is thinking, you should put it in italics instead of parentheses. I thought she was talking half of the time. Also, make this longer. I don't get the point of writing this was for?

Hope it was not to harsh! Thanks! Good luck!