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Conflict With a Confounding Relationship



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Tue Mar 28, 2006 2:32 am
BustedFlush says...



I was just a sophomore no more than sixteen years old. I was living in a small town named Middleton. It was summer time and I was holding down a job at a local restraunt. It was pretty busy that particular night. I thought to myself the whole night that I needed to go out later that night and have a fun time. It was going to be pretty late before I got out of the restaraunt but it didn't change anything. There was going to definetaly be a bunch of parties that night.

My friend Mark worked with me and we were good friends. I had known him for a long time and we had become like brothers. He was a social type and always knew where the best parties were.

" Yo Robert we need to get out of here," he said to me.

"Alright let me clock out and I will be right out," I replied.

It was about eleven o'clock and the restaurant was cleaned up and closed down. I walked out of the kitchen and towards the bar. I saw Marcus' large body sitting on one of the bar stools. He was a friendly african-american cook who had a voice like Isaac Hayes.

"Hey Buddy. What are you doing tonight?" He said.

"Not much just the usual," I said.

"So I'm going to guess that you are going to a party then," he commented.

He handed me a shot and I drank it. The liquor felt good after a long night of work. I told him thanks and that I would see him later. The computer I had been clocking out on was always a problem for me because it never seemed to work. I finally got it to clock me out and I headed for the door.

There was Mark waiting for me in his car. Normally I would be driving because I never trusted him as a driver for good reason. He had wrecked two cars since getting his liscense. We couldn't take my car because it was in the shop. He was also really picky about people driving his car so I couldn't drive his car.

"About damn time it's been like fifteen minutes since you went to clock out," Mark said.

"I got tied up. Stop whining and lets go," I responded.

I went to Mark's house to get a shower and a change of clothes. Mark lived above his parent's garage. They were good people and always generous to help me out whenever I needed it. They always doubted Mark just because of how dumb he is. They knew that he would never get real far in the world but they loved him the same.

There was a nice pile of my clothes waiting for me. They were washed by Mark's mom I supposed. I had alot of my clothes at his house because I always slept or stopped at Mark's house after work.

Once we both showered and dressed it was half past eleven. We left his house in a hurry trying to get to one of Marks friend's house who was having a party because his parents were out of town. It took us five minutes to reach his house. When I walked into the house there was already about twenty people. I knew a few pretty well, but it was mosty people I knew as acquantanences.

There was no beer in sight just an assortment of liquors. I poured myself a shot of Jim Beam. While pouring I saw the most attractive girl I had seen in awhile. She was wearing a pair of jean shorts like the ones Daisy Duke wears. She also had long flowing brown hair that flowed freely past her shoulders. Her eyes were green and you could get lost staring into them.

Jessica was at the party expecting a night off from the confines of her boyfriend. Jessica and her boyfriend had been together had been together for awhile and she just wanted a break from him for one night. Her boyfriend's name was Michael and he was a year older and alot larger than me. He was a redneck who would try to fight anyone who got in his way. Although he wouldn't fight any of his own fights. He would round up as many of his friends as possible and tried to make you look like a coward.

Jessica walked over towards me and looked like she wanted to talk. I couldn't believe she was even looking at me.

"Hey, what's going on. I haven't seen you around here before." She said to me.

"That's strange I've lived here for awhile. I think I have seen you from somewhere though." I replied.

It wasn't true, but I could tell she was intrigued and wanted to talk more. I offered to pour her a drink.

"Yea sure. How 'bout we take a shot together of whatever you are drinking." She said.

We took the shot together and she walked away to go talk to someone else. At the same moment Mark walked over.

"What do you think about her?" I asked notioning to Jessica.

He looked at me and said, "You know she has a boyfriend."

"Whatever it doesn't matter," I said.

He shrugged and walked off leaving me alone with the liquor. I poured myself a drink and another for Jessica. When I walked over to her she turned towards me. She was wearing a shirt that I did not recall seeing on her. It read save a horse ride a cowboy. I offered her the drink and said.

"You know I'm a cowboy."

She cracked a smile and asked if I wanted to sit down on a chair. I gladly accepted and sat down. To my suprise she sat down in my lap. I put my hand on her thigh. She giggled and asked me if I really did know anything about horses.

We had a long conversation about riding horses. I didn't know that much about horseback riding, but I did know enough to have a conversation about it. We talked some more about other things and I learned we had alot in common.

We had been drinking for half-an-hour and I began to feel pretty buzzed. I felt the urge for a cigarette. I asked Jessica if she smoked and she said yes. When I pulled out my pack she said that they were her brand. She also made a comment about everyone at the party having menthols. I assumed she did not like menthols, just like me.

We stepped outside and lit our cigarettes with matches that were laying on a table. I took a long drag and blew the smoke out. I asked Jessica about her boyfriend.

"We are over because I dumped him," she said.

"Oh sorry to hear about that," I replied. I really wasn't sorry, her news was the greatest thing I had ever heard.

"No no It's alright. He was a real jerk."

It was not long before Mark strolled on outside. He asked if we wanted to go get something to eat. We both told him we were fine and going to stay at the house. I turned to him so Jessica would not hear me and said.

"I think I'm going to try my luck with her."

He laughed and looked at Jessica.

"Remember what I told you."

He walked away towards the gate that leads to the front of the house. Mark had failed to tell me who her boyfriend was. At the time of him telling me about her boyfriend I figured it was just some nobody who couldn't hold on to his girl.

I turned to Jessica and asked if she wanted to go inside. She nodded and I put my arm around her waist.

We both walked into the house and at the same time a famaliar redneck walked through the front door. He was one of Michael's friends. Michael probably sent him to the party to keep an eye on Jessica.

He saw me with my arm around Jessica and walked over to us.

"We are going to leave now," he said to Jessica.

She walked away from me and stopped at the door.

"By the way my name is Jessica"

"My name is Robert," I replied.

She walked out of the door and closed it behind her. I didn't know what was in stored for me. I just though that who ever took Jessica away would forget about me.

During the week after the party I came to learn the reality of my naiveness. I learned the whole story of Michael and Jessica.

Of course on Friday there they were waiting for me after school. There must have been seven trucks driving around outside of my school. I knew I had two options. I could round up as many people as I could and confront them. This would be a problem because I could have only round up three or four people. That was not going to be enough to confront probably around ten to twelve guys. I also could slip away and get a ride with a friend. Slipping away was going to be easiest way.

Immediately after school I convinced a friend to drive me home. The only problem was getting to his car. They all didn't know what I looked like but there were a few that did. I crept along a row of cars and ducked every time a truck drove by. I finally got to my friend's care safely and hid in the back. He drove me to my house and I told him owed him my life.

At my house I started to second guess my decision of fleeing. I thought maybe Jessica was worth fighting for. I knew I wouldn' t see her in a long time and decided it was too late.

1 Year Later

It had been awhile since I had heard from Jessica or Michael. I had other relationships since Jessica and forgotten about both of them. I would see Michael driving around town but I had not had any confrontations with either one of them.

I had heard about a big party just outside of town and decided to go with a good friend. His name was Chris and he was a large guy and nice to have around because he could intimitate people.

When we got to the party the house was packed with an assortment of people. There were rednecks, preps, and others. I went directly to the porch and Chris followed. There Jessica was sitting on a chair, and sitting directly across from her was Michael and a good bunch of his friends.

I glanced at Jessica and she smiled. She recognized me and held up that famaliar pack. She put a cigarette in her lips and I did the same.

"Where is the beer," I asked.

Jessica spoke out and said, "They are behind the house."

When I started to walk towards the door Michael looked at me and said.

"If you come in this house with a beer in your hand I will bunch you in the face."

I knew I was going to have to do something about this so I looked at Chris and nodded. He immediately knew what I was going to do. I poured a shot and drank it. I looked at Michael and flicked my cigarette in his face and followed it up with a punch directly into his face.

Michael fell backwards out of his chair. He scrambled up off the floor. Blood was spewing out of his nose.

"You fucking broke my nose. Why the hell did you punch me?"

"I punched you for Jessica," I replied.

Jessica seemed shocked at what I said.

"What does she have to do with you?" He said.

"I like her alot and you don't treat her right," I said.

"I should kick your ass right now for saying that. Jessica loves me and will always love me."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that. Why don't you let Jessica make her own decisions?"

Jessica stood up and looked at me and then Michael.

"I am sorry but I don't even know you that well. We had one night together and that was it."

"So what we both know we were meant for each other."

Michael's friends began to circle around me and Chris. Chris was standing directly behind me scanning the room waiting for my command.

"That was so long ago"

"Yes but it was so real."

"I am sorry but I am going to have to go with Michael."

I couldn't believe this was happening. I thought my chance of winning over Jessica was a reality but I was wrong.

"Well alright then I'll leave now."

I walked out the back door and back to my car. Jessica came running out of the house after me.

"I am so sorry. I don't even want to be with Michael." She said.

"What the hell are you talking about. You said something totally different inside."

"I know but you don't understand my relationship with Michael. He won't let me leave."

"I don't understand why you can't just leave him."

Jessica started to cry. I felt like I couldn't do anything about this so I got into my car and turned it on. I looked out of the window and saw Jessica crying and Michael looking at us through a window.

This was to strange for me to understand. I knew I wanted to be with Jessica, but I couldn't decide what to do. I rolled down the window and said I was sorry about Michael and there was nothing I could do. I drove away leaving Jessica in my dust. Chris asked me if I would ever try for her again. I told him of course.
  





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Thu Apr 13, 2006 10:41 pm
Snoink says...



Nobody posted on this...?

Well, I'll be the first then.

First of all, this had a lot of dialogue. Dialogue is used to move the story and make it interesting. The problem is, dialogue used very frequently undos the effect. In this case, you have a lot of dialogue being used, but parts of it aren't needed. Dialogue should be used primarily when you want to move the story or reveal important information about the character. Dialogue such as "what's up?" and other phrases can be usually omitted without any problems.

You need to clarify your story. When there were all these people hanging around school, I wondered why. Michael never said anything about who was the boyfriend, so what happened? It was very confusing.

I think the one year later thing is kind of tacky too. This story is definitely a short story and begs to be wrapped up as quickly as it can. Not to say it's bad, but it's a little long and can be easily cut for a better effect.

So go through the story. Find the parts which seem repetitious or trivial and then delete them. Instead of the long dialogue passage which only gives the impression of moving, apply transitions which actually do move the story.

Anyway, good luck. Interesting read -- I like Jessica. :D
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Mon Aug 27, 2007 10:56 pm
canislupis says...



This was okay, it had good characters, (and by that I mean well developed)and the whole thing wasn't too bad.
Your dialogue is forced and unrealistic and there are punctuation errors throughout the entire piece. other than that, I agree with snoink
  





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Wed Aug 29, 2007 8:17 pm
TNCowgirl says...



It is good, some of the sentences were kinda choppy, but other then that it was good. If you've got more I would deffinitly read it :D
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Wed Aug 29, 2007 9:20 pm
writergirl007 says...



Well, it was okay.
It has a lot of incorrect sentences.
And a lot of errors. I just skimmed it. But, I would suggest reading it again. To find all the mistakes in it. XD Just a thought.
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