Young Writers Society

I've always had some impossible dreams. When I was little I wanted to be a mermaid, like Ariel. She was a mermaid who always dreamed to be part of our world, so she became human, I certainly thought if she could do it then so could I. So I spent hours swimming in my pool, trying to become one. Sometimes I would tie my feet together while I was wearing flippers, too make me a little closer to becoming a mermaid.

When I was done with that phase, I dreamt of having magical powers and being able to manipulate everything. I thought that if I had these amazing powers I could have anything I wanted, that the world would be open for me. My secret hope was that maybe if I developed these powers I could become a hero like Wonderwoman or Starfire, and have to fight evil villians like them. Or maybe just fight the evils we are faced with today. I still want that now, to be a hero, but atleast I know it's literally impossible to have superpowers.

Now I'm dreaming of something that would seem possible, I want us to be friends again. And I just don't mean friends, I want us to he how we used to be, when you were pretty much my bestfriend. But it's hard now for that all to be true again, because well I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you since we were thirteen years old, I'm turning sixteen in a couple months and it'll pretty much mark the three years I've been in love with you. When I mark that day on my calendar you won't be there to celebrate with me. You'll be with your new friends, or with a new girlfriend, and I'll just watch you slowly destroy yourself.

I really hate that we've drifted apart, and that's mostly my fault. I shouldn't have pushed you away just because you were dating some girl I was jealous of. Every girl you dated made me jealous, and you've dated quite a few girls, but this girl was my breaking point. I just had to get away from you for a while, I needed a breather from our one sided relationship. I just didn't know that not talking to you at all for a month would be the biggest reason why we drifted apart. And then when you pissed me off it just added more fuel to the burning hatred I had for you. I was so angry with you, so I just severed all contact with you, and that is the biggest reason why we drifted apart.

It wasn't entirely my fault though, I did try to talk to you again before you angered me, but I saw how much you changed or maybe I just saw the real you. Being my hopeful self I thought that maybe the new people you met were the reason why you are acting the way you are. Our friends who knew you before your big change, the ones who always saw how much I loved you, they agree that you've just became more arrogant, cocky and perverted. The qualities that I knew you had, but now they were blown out of proportion. Maybe your new friends are the reason why you're so different now, before you were so nice and you weren't a complete attention whore, but now well in the deep end of the attention whore pool. Your head is like a balloon now, it's just so big and blown up, it's too big for your body to hold and one of these days you'll pop. And I hate to say it, but I will be there to help you again, to make sure you're OK like I always do, and when I'm done helping you pick up the pieces of your heart you'll just ignore me and what I've done for you.

Maybe if I wasn't in love with you I could deal with this a lot better, but that's just a stupid thought. Why does falling in love and wanting it back have to be so impossible? I mean Ariel was able to become human and get the guy, and her dream came true. But when I dreamed her dream I ended up with nothing. Maybe I'll keep dreaming about being a mermaid; it seems a lot more possible than waiting for you to open your eyes and see that I've always been there.

Let's say I chose to review this because I wanted to, not because of the awesome avatar... *giggles* Okay, on to the review!

Thatis wrote:She was a mermaid who always dreamed to be part of our world, so she became human, I certainly thought if she could do it then so could I.

something about this sounds strange, as if the child wanted to become a human?

Thatis wrote:Sometimes I would tie my feet together while I was wearing flippers too make me a little closer to becoming a mermaid.

Thatis wrote:But it's hard now for that all to be true again, because well I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you since we were thirteen years old, I'm turning sixteen in a couple months and it'll pretty much mark the three years I've been in love with you. When I mark avoid repetition that day on my calendar you won't be there to celebrate with me. You'll be with your new friends, or with a new girlfriend, and I'll just watch you slowly destroy yourself.

Quite list like, try to restructure some of it if you can.

Thatis wrote:I just didn't know that not talking to you at all for a month would be the biggest reason why we drifted apart.

I'd get rid of this sentence altogether, not talking seems like an obvious reason that doesn't need stating.

Overall: Although quite a typical story,it was written pretty well and was fairly enjoyable to read. Good job!

Let's say I chose to review this because I wanted to, not because of the awesome avatar... *giggles* Okay, on to the review!

Thatis wrote:She was a mermaid who always dreamed to be part of our world, so she became human, I certainly thought if she could do it then so could I.

something about this sounds strange, as if the child wanted to become a human?

Thatis wrote:Sometimes I would tie my feet together while I was wearing flippers too make me a little closer to becoming a mermaid.

Thatis wrote:But it's hard now for that all to be true again, because well I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you since we were thirteen years old, I'm turning sixteen in a couple months and it'll pretty much mark the three years I've been in love with you. When I mark avoid repetition that day on my calendar you won't be there to celebrate with me. You'll be with your new friends, or with a new girlfriend, and I'll just watch you slowly destroy yourself.

Quite list like, try to restructure some of it if you can.

Thatis wrote:I just didn't know that not talking to you at all for a month would be the biggest reason why we drifted apart.

I'd get rid of this sentence altogether, not talking seems like an obvious reason that doesn't need stating.

Overall: Although quite a typical story,it was written pretty well and was fairly enjoyable to read. Good job!

Hi there!

So, this story has a great beginning. The dreams and the detail in those first few paragraphs give the story a soft, soothing sort of tone, but then it all went downhill from there, for me. I'll be highlighting nit-picks and things that I don't like in red, while things that I enjoy are in blue. Comments are in green.

I've always had some impossible dreams. When I was little I wanted to be a mermaid, like Ariel. She was a mermaid who always dreamed to be part of our world, so she became human, I certainly thought if she could do it (do what? This sentence implies that she wants to become human, even it's apparent that it's just the opposite) then so could I. So (you've already said "so" several times in this paragraph. I would suggest removing it) spent hours swimming in my pool, trying to become one. Sometimes I would tie my feet together while I was wearing flippers, too (to) make me a little closer to becoming a mermaid.

When I was done with that phase, I dreamt of having magical powers and being able to manipulate everything. I thought that if I had these amazing powers I could have anything I wanted, that the world would be open for me. (wonderful image!) My secret hope was that maybe if I developed these powers I could become a hero like Wonderwoman or Starfire, and have to fight evil villians like them. Or maybe just fight the evils we are faced with today. I still want that now, to be a hero, but [color=red]atleast (at least) I know it's literally impossible to have superpowers.

Now I'm dreaming of something that would seem possible, (.) I want us to be friends again.

And I just don't ("don't just" or "don't mean just" would make this sentence less awkward) mean friends, I want us to he how we used to be, when you were pretty much my bestfriend. ("bestfriend" is incorrect. Separate into two words.)

But it's hard now for that all to be true again, because [color=green], well, I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you since we were thirteen years old,(.) I'm turning sixteen in a couple months and it'll pretty much (remove "it'll pretty much") mark the three years I've been in love with you. When I mark (reword, you used the same verb last sentence) that day on my calendar you won't be there to celebrate with me. (Why would he celebrate with her? Does he know that she loves him?) You'll be with your new friends, or with a new girlfriend, and I'll just watch you slowly destroy yourself.

I really hate that we've drifted apart, and that's mostly my fault. I shouldn't have pushed you away just because you were dating some girl I was jealous of. Every girl you dated made me jealous, and you've dated quite a few girls, but this girl was my breaking point. I just had to get away from you for a while,[color] [color=green](;) I needed a breather from our one-sided relationship. I just didn't know that not talking to you at all for a month would be the biggest reason why we drifted apart. (remove, unnecessary sentence) And then when you pissed me off (this kills the dream-like feel to it! I would suggest rewording) it just added more fuel to the burning hatred I had for you. I was so angry with you, so I just severed all contact with you, and that is the biggest reason why we drifted apart. (also not necessary. Removing it would be better.)

Overall, this is a wonderful piece. You picked a good theme and you accented it well with the beginning descriptions of impossible dreams, but your tone isn't consistent. At first it's soft and sweet, but you get to the end and that beginning doesn't even seem to connect anymore. "Attention whore pool" doesn't even begin to belong with the words "I've always had some impossible dreams." For me, you lose all the magic in this story the moment it turns into a rant. You're telling me that the character loves this person throughout the story, but I'm not feeling it at all. Also, make sure to work on punctuation and flow. Your sentences in places are difficult to follow because they're choppy or extremely long, and you can easily remedy that with some proper punctuation. In most places, that includes replacing your commas with periods. Still, this is a wonderful piece! The beginning really made me think, but the middle and ending really fizzled. Try to add more depth and language into those parts that were weak and you'll have something that the reader can truly connect with. Thanks for posting this! :)

Hello there.

I'll begin with nitpicks, but there won't be too much since everyone already pointed them out...

And I just don't mean friends, I want us to be how we used to be, when you were pretty much my best friend.

Overall it was a nice story. I liked the beginning, with the different impossible dreams she had. It sets up the mood and it's a great introduction to what's after.
For a piece that's a lot of details and thought, and no dialogue, it was okay. I think it needs a little bit more, but it's not completely lacking something either. You could have portrayed their relationship before and after the 'fight' ,or whatever it is, better. Like the time they were spending together, what they did, the laughs and cries they had... You say that she was always there for him, and it seems like he wasn't. You could talk a little bit about that too. Little things that could help give the characters a little bit more dimension. Anyways, overall it was a great story and I enjoyed reading it.


Keep writing!

-Other One

hello there
I really loved this piece. i felt like I connected with this because its very realistic, and because i've been through something similar. I think this piece was well thought out, and that it was very very well written.
There were some minor grammar and punctuation mistakes, as I see people before me have commented on.

Overall? honestly, this is one of those pieces that i look for: realistic, heart breaking slightly, and has emotion put into it.
you're doing a wonderful job.

Keep up your creativity,

-- Ash