Young Writers Society

Derion stood looking out over the cliffs edge. The sun was setting, the valley below glowed an orange-pink color. He smiled as the wind blew his shoulder length wavy, brown hair into a frenzy. The wind whispered to him of the earth and sky and of the one whom he loved.

She cometh assuredly as the dawn of tomorrow. Wait till sun set and day die.

“I wait for her and only her.” Derion said quietly.

She commendeth your devotion son of man.

Stillness fell upon the air as the sun slipped behind the farthest lands. Just as the last ray of daylight was on the horizon a bright flash of blue light shot across the sky.

Derion laughed with joy. “I am here!” He called out.

A large black bird appeared on the horizon. It let out an odd sound that caused Derion to smile. The bird flew closer her wings thumping. The bird circled above Derion once then landed on the cliffs edge. The moment its feet touched the ground the air exploded into glowing color. Greens, blues, and reds mixed shining brightly. When the lights faded, a woman dressed in rags appeared.

“Do you love me Derion?” The woman’s voice was harsh and cracked.

“Yes!” Derion whispered breathlessly falling to his knees. “You are my only love?”

“Why would you love someone like me?”

“Because you are more precious then all the gems in the world.” He answered a smile on his face.

“But I am ugly, a vulture by day and a broken woman by night, I have no beauty.”

Her crackling voice sounded hard but to Derion it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. “You are beautiful, my love. By day, you cleanse the earth, by night you are kind to others in plight. Your beauty shines despite your appearance.”

“Why do you wait for me every night? Surly some young lass would love your attentions. I have watched the young ladies of your village follow you. Love one of them and let me fade from your mind.” She stepped to the edge of the cliff.

“Anyone can love a pretty face. Anyone can woo a young girl who blindly follows him. You are worth more then any other. Your soul is the earth, the sky, the light, and the dark. All I have I would give to be with you if for only day.” Derion spoke wistfully standing.

The woman turned and looked at him a gleam in her eye. “If that is so all you need to do is jump.” She lifted a hand indicating the cliff edge.

Derion looked from her to the edge. He walked over and looked it was so far down. He looked at her. “For you I would do anything.” With that, he stepped from the edge. He could feel himself falling. Down and down he fell as he waited for death but it never came.

Suddenly he found himself in the air soaring over the land. He tilted his head and was startled to find that he was covered in feathers. Seeing a small lake he flew over it. From the reflection he saw a swan looking back at him. He flew enjoying his newfound freedom.

A vulture suddenly flew beside him. She flew higher and he followed. She led him over the mountains and through forests.
Derion tried to talk but only a swan’s call came from his lips. He tried again with the same results. At last, he landed in a cool mountain lake. The vulture landed on the shore.

He swam to shore and stood beside her.

The wind whispered past them.

For what you have given, she thanks you. Your love will make her beautiful again. At sunrise, your life shall end and she shall be the most beautiful human to walk the earth.

“What? Why?” Derion thought franticly.

She has waited a century for a human to love her. Now that you have proved your love, she can be set free. An goddess among men. Your love she needed to win in order to become a mortal.

Derion looked at her sadly. “Has my love meant nothing to you?” He thought pain filling his heart.

It means a great deal to her. It means her freedom.


He looked at the vulture next to him. “If it is what she truly wants so be it.”

The wind blew stronger.

She wonders why you love her still, though she used you.

“My love is unconditional. My heart is hers whether she break it or no.”

A bright light exploded around him. He shook from head to foot feeling awkward. At last the lights faded leaving both the vulture and Derion in human form.

Derion looked at her; she was the same as she always was save for one startling difference. A tear that glistened in her right eye. It fell slowly to the ground.

“For the love you have shown me I am eternally grateful. Your life has been spared because your love was unshakeable.” She said softly.

“But your….” Derion said very confused.

“Yes, I am still ugly but no longer will I turn into a vulture by day. I shall be human from now until my death.” She looked up at him. “You shall live Derion, for you saw past the outward and looked to the inward heart. Not only did you look to the inward heart but you forgave the darkness you saw there. You may look good outwardly but your true beauty shines from within.”

Derion thought for a moment. “If you are now fully human then,” He knelt, “Will you consent to be my wife?”

“Forever I am yours.” She smiled at him.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________


“But grandpa, that story is silly! People don’t turn into vultures and swans.” A little boy sat protesting on his grandpa’s lap.

“Well perhaps not.” The grandfather conceded setting the little boy down.

The little boy looked thoughtful. “But I am glad that the lady and Derion were together in the end. It would be hard to love someone like her though.”

The grandfather laughed. “Yes, I suppose it would be. That is what unconditional love means. Loving someone no matter what the say, do or what they look like.”

“I am not very good at having unconditional love.” The little boy said looking down.

“Most people aren’t. That what makes stories like Derion’s unique.” The grandfather ruffled his grandson’s wavy brown hair. “Grandpa’s tired why don’t you go play.”

“Okay.” The little boy ran out onto the back porch and headed to his favorite place to play, a small grassy place near the edge of the cliff.

First off, let me just say that I have a pretty big soft spot for this type of genre. You're drawing from the vocabulary of those old British ballads, like the Rouds and the Childs, which makes me have an instant affinity for this piece.

It is a simple allegory, really. There's not much subtlety to it, but that's the point. It's not supposed to have an incredible amount of depth and sophistication for the reader to ponder--it's supposed to be a fable of sorts. A story with a moral. And lots of mystique, of course. Your moral is clear, and the mystique is there, so good job. I think you've accomplished a lot of what you were going for. The parallel with the child in the end was a clever twist--a sweet way to conclude the piece, as it hints at a certain circularity.

The main part of this piece that I'd like to see improvement on is the voice. For the most part, the narration is very very bare--it's more about what you're telling than how you're telling it. For a piece like this, that's fine if it's what you're going for. The language doesn't have to be flowery or eloquent. But make sure that you don't go to the other extreme and make it overly conversational. Take these bits for example:

It let out an odd sound that caused Derion to smile.

He shook from head to foot feeling awkward.

'Odd' and 'awkward' are such conversational words that they don't really mean anything anymore. Reading them is something of a let-down because I feel like you're not actually saying anything. They're like 'nice'--it's just a generic term of positivity, but it doesn't add anything other than that. I think for this piece you're trying to make the actual word choices not stand out, because you really want it to be about the actual story, but that doesn't mean you can't think about the words you use and make them well-considered choices.

Now, if you want this piece to read as though the whole tale of it were being told from memory by the grandpa, then the conversational tone would be fine. I'd actually say you would need more of it--more colloquialisms and more manners of speech that are peculiar to your character. But the way it's written makes me think that it isn't supposed to be being told from memory. I actually got the impression that the grandpa was reading the story out of a book. If you haven't already, you should decide which one you're going for and then tailor your language to fit that: if it's supposed to be oral, then make it more conversational and more specific to the way you want the grandpa to speak, and if you want it to be written then make it a lot less conversational.

I liked the bit in the end (like I say, it's a clever little twist and it keeps the piece feeling fresh) but I do think you could use to work on your dialogue. Can you actually imagine a little kid saying what the grandson says? If I try, all that comes to mind is a child-actor, reading his lines. Dialogue like this is hard to pull off, so it'll take a little work, but I have faith in you. :] Also, the "go play" bit kind of bothered me because of how cliché it is. But that might just be me.

Overall, I like this piece. Like I say, it reminds me of old tales--but those tales are mostly in song/poem form. This piece almost feels like it wants to be in verse rather than prose, to me, because the telling is so bare. But that's most certainly just me being overambitious.

The moral of staying true to your love is a very popular motif in those types of ballads I linked to above. Have you heard of Tam Lin (you can hear a fantastic '70s adaptation of it here)? Your story reminds me a lot of that one, though it also has elements reminiscent of others.

Good work. Please don't hesitate to PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions at all, or want to discuss anything.

I hope this helps.

a

Loved the ending, but up until then, I kept thinking to myself: "If he doesn't want it to be cliche, he better have a twist coming up soon." All these romance stories I read end up the same way: happily. It gets boring after a while. Your ending though was great, I laughed out loud when I got to it. Good work!

Thanks guys!

I know this is for the same contest as my Disgrace to Wolf, but I really did enjoy this piece. I did find the huge spaces to be a little distracting, and I thought you could have used some more commas in places, but I loved it overall. The fairy tale/legend-style was really nice, though Azilla probably said everything. Anyways, I really liked this and good luck in the contest!

Why, hello there!

She cometh assuredly as the dawn of tomorrow. Wait till sun set and day die.

She commendeth your devotion son of man.

I know you're going for a sort of old language feel here, but honestly, it just sort of felt like the speaker had a lisp. Methinks the formality of the language itself carries enough of a feeling of solemnity without adding the "-eths" to the verbs there. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but it felt a little silly here.

Surely some young lass would love your attentions.

D'awww. This was sweet. As Azila and Daisuki already said, the fable style was really nice here.

The ending with the grandson sort of bothered me though. We got the message of the tale pretty clearly and having the grandfather spell it out for us felt kind of pointless and heavy-handed. It was cute, but unnecessary, methinks. It sort of took away from the story itself, since it didn't really tie in beyond the explanation of the moral. Cutting it would give that much more attention back to the main story and make it that much stronger.

Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions/concerns!

~GryphonFledgling

Hi ~FW~
Since you've been hard at work reviewing my novel I thought I'd take a look at the sort of things you like to write. Bravo *claps excitedly* the story was wonderful, I enjoyed it immensely. I mean it was totally not cliche. I loved how you tagged on the ending, it was quite intriguing. Derion was a little unrealistic (having no faults in his love) but I think that was the point. Thanks for sharing!
~Dakota Knight