Young Writers Society

Hey guys, enjoy... Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks xxx


Lily sat alone, in the dark, confused and lost. The moonlight filtered through the curtains casting shadows across the room. Enchanting her, beckoning her to escape, feel the magic. Yet her heart couldn’t let go, wouldn’t let go of what she had once had. She was like a child refusing to ride the slide down to the fun fair. The creaking of the house around her reminded her that she was still really there, this feeling was real. The objects around her were solid and cold, they told her that she hadn’t disappeared; she wasn’t a ghost. She thought it was over, she had thought she’d moved on, there had been a cloud that was once covering the sun, hiding the light. But now it had moved and she could see clearly, she thought it would be a bright, sunny day but now she could see clearly she realised what she had really lost.

His heart had shifted; his route had changed, so why couldn’t she bring herself to change lanes too. He’d fallen for another, why wasn’t she happy for him? Why did she feel as though a bus was smashing into her over and over again? Why wasn’t this discovery a good thing? She had wished him the best, done what was right, kept her chin up. Then why did she feel like this? The discovery of his happiness had brought a dull ache to her chest, a slow pounding that refused to subside. She looked at the photos scattered across the floor, the perfect sign that this whole situation was a flicker of false hope, and a cliché. What was she thinking? Tucking a long curl of hair behind her delicate ear she picked out one of the photos, memories raced across her mind, blinding her with colour and sound, smell and taste.

Then she remembered how it had ended, why she now wanted to move on. His reason for cutting their tie was a weakness in character; in fact it hadn’t even given her a valid reason. He wasn’t strong enough to give her the real reason. Why was it she hadn’t heard it from him? She had been told by the people around her. He had been pathetic enough to tell others but not Lily, she had discovered the truth by accident. Why was that? None of it mattered now though; she was the one who still had a bright, unblemished future. She didn’t need him anymore; she was a strong, lone Lily, growing into a tall and graceful beauty of nature. She smiled; the first blossom of spring had bloomed. They had had their time, now it was her time, her time to shine. Now she controlled the weather, and the sun was shining brighter than ever.
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You only mention Lily's name thrice in this whole story; a number that, for the size of the work, is too small. I know having the same word, even a name, over and over can be annoying, but in this case I do think you need to mention her name a little more. There aren't any other people to confuse her with (except the 'him' and that's not so easily confused) but I still think it should be done.
I think that it's a little too clichéd right now, emo girl getting over her ex-boyfriend. We get it.
Try putting something different in, something that'll make your story...pop. Y'no?
Sorry if I'm not making sense, but it does need to change.
enth

Anything good about it??!!??

Well of course there are good things about it!
I liked it. It is similiar to other stories, but who ever said that was always a bad thing? Sometimes a classic storyline is the best, in my opinion.
I love the way that you incorporated the weather thing at the end like you did in the beginning. Your first paragraph was my favorite.
Also, i love the way you relataed her name to the flower and spring and stuff. Very creative
I think you can develop this into a larger story or just leave it as it is. Either would be fine.
Add more detail! Detail can make or break a story, and your story needs more of it.
Overall, great job!

Keep writing!
~Ktg

It's got a fabulous idea, if a bit cliche. All the things I noticed were pointed out, except for one thing: Spread it out! I didn't quite finish reading this because such HUGE blocks of text were difficult and confusing to read. (I feel like a hypocrite saying this, since I had the same problem in one of my shorts, but that means I can tell you that it's SO easy to fix.)

This was a really good piece, at least I thought so. Well, I'm horrible at reviewing, so I'm just going to comment.
In the beginning, I love how you describe the scene. Most writers start off with a bright happy scene or a flashback or something like that. You made it seem dark and gradually built up to the light. That kind of writing style is pretty rare.

Well, I hope I encouraged you a little bit!

Keep Writing!!

--Jalmoc

i like the idea that you started with her dark side. a lonely girl.
=) (because I'm writing a novel same like this. a girl got a terrible heartache)

" Yet her heart couldn't let go, wouldn't let go of what she had once had."

this sentence makes me odd.
hmm.. maybe try "Yet her heart couldn't and wouldn't let go of what she once had."

i don't know if i correct you rightly
but i must say good job!

easilyinspired wrote:Lily sat alone, in the dark, confused and lost. The moonlight filtered through the curtains casting shadows across the room. Enchanting her, beckoning her to escape, feel the magic. Yet her heart couldn’t let go, wouldn’t let go of what she had once had.

1. Okay, I know it's short, but this sounds like a run-on sentence. Try taking out the first comma, like: "Lily sat along in the dark, confused and lost." 2. You need to seperate these two phrases at the point I've shown. Maybe instead of "curtains casting" you can make it "curtains, casting" or "curtains; casting". 3. Try adding a "to" before "feel the magic". 4. Make the comma a semicolon.

easilyinspired wrote:The creaking of the house around her reminded her that she was still really there, this feeling was real. The objects around her were solid and cold, they told her that she hadn’t disappeared; she wasn’t a ghost. She thought it was over, she had thought she’d moved on, there had been a cloud that was once covering the sun, hiding the light. But now it had moved and she could see clearly, she thought it would be a bright, sunny day but now she could see clearly she realised what she had really lost.

1. Try putting a "that" after the comma. 2. There's something wrong with this phrase. Try changing it to something like: "The objects around her, solid and cold, told her that she hadn't disappeared;". 3. Put a "had" between these two words. 4. Make the comma a semicolon. 5. Change "But now it" to "But now that it". 6. These phrases don't make sense together: Try rephrasing it.

easilyinspired wrote:His heart had shifted; his route had changed, so why couldn’t she bring herself to change lanes too. He’d fallen for another, why wasn’t she happy for him?

1. Make the period a question mark. 2. Put a "so" after the comma.

easilyinspired wrote:Tucking a long curl of hair behind her delicate ear she picked out one of the photos, memories raced across her mind, blinding her with colour and sound, smell and taste.

1. Make the comma a semicolon.

easilyinspired wrote:He had been pathetic enough to tell others but not Lily, she had discovered the truth by accident.

1. Make the comma a semicolon.

easilyinspired wrote:They had had their time, now it was her time, her time to shine.

1. Maybe make it sound more like: "They had had their time, but now it was her time to shine."

Anyway, I like this. It may be a little cliche (and halfway through I was expecting her to commit suicide) but it's still a well written, strong piece.