Young Writers Society

Thanks So Much For The Comments - You Guys Have Been Very Helpful -- Im Going To Think This Story Over And Rewrite This Chapter , See Ya Soon

Hi 4life. Okay, so these seems like something that happens a lot in our actual society, and in a lot movies too. I think you should write something that makes the reader keep checking the next chapters, because these doesn't seem so original. You should read it again and correct all those i's, that pronoun should always be in caps no matter where it's located in the sentence.

Nitpicks:

writer4lifee wrote:It all happened so quickly.

I think it should be "quick" istead of "quickly.

writer4lifee wrote:First i was making principals honor roll, i already had a scholarship for Harvard, and on top of that i was the most popular girl in school.

If you write "I" as a pronoun, it should always be upper case. And there should be a comma after "Hardvard".

writer4lifee wrote:I know what your thinking, how the hell do you go from perfect angel to trashy as hell?

It should be "you're".

writer4lifee wrote:It all started when i met him, i guess.

Again, the I's. And there should be a comma after "him".

writer4lifee wrote:He was sooo perfect and he was my everything.

One o is enough. Writing all that makes it seem more like a chat than a story.

writer4lifee wrote:He lived on his own, he worked for a living, attended school three times a week if you were lucky.

I think this sentece should be written like this: He lived on his own, he worked for a living, and attended to school three times a week, if you were lucky.

writer4lifee wrote:zzzzz zzzzzz. My phone vibrated.

Delete all the z's, that is not a word. Saying the cell phone vibrated is just fine.

writer4lifee wrote:"HANNAH! Is there something you would like to share with the class?" Ms. Bartalo screeched.

You don't have to say "Hannah" in caps for us to know she yelled her name, that's what the exclamation marks are for.

writer4lifee wrote:Friday night came. I had my dress on, and my date was coming to get me.

[/quote][/quote]
There should be a comma after "dress on"

Keep writing!
~Solvy <3

Hey, shiney1 here!

This is a situation many teens face, so it's not a bad place to start. But since you are writing about such an overused topic, you should try to make it unique, to stand out in it's old way, or else it is not memorable and sounds bland.
The pace goes by pretty quickly, and I'm not sure if that hurts or helps your story. The imagery is next to nothing, and the diction is pretty plain Plus capitalization seems to be a problem.

It all happened so quickly. First I was making principals honor roll, already had a scholarship for Harvard, and on top of that I was the most popular girl in school. Now, I'm pretty much failing, I'm doing drugs and ... I'm pregnant. I know what you're thinking, 'How the hell do you go from perfect angel to trashy as hell?' Well , let me tell ya first-hand, looks can be deceiving!

It all started when I met him, I guess. He was sooo perfect; he was my everything.

We were in the ninth grade when we met; we understood each other perfectly. It's like we were soul mates; I know, so cliche right? Well, that was the truth. My parents were divorced and his were ... dead. He lived on his own, he worked for a living, and attended school three times a week if he were lucky. We met at a high school party. This is how it all began...

zzzzz zzzzzz. My phone vibrated.

Text message from Audrey

I opened the text and it read, "Party on Friday night, 9-???? , bring a date and get ready to get drunk "

I looked over at Audrey and smiled. We both know that I'll be there lmao! I texted back.

"HANNAH! Is there something you would like to share with the class?" Ms. Bartalo screeched.

"No ma'am!" I laughed.

Friday night came. I had my dress on and my date was coming to get me. My mom was gone for the night. and so was i.

David pulled up, and I ran to greet him.

"Hey sexy!" He leaned in to kiss me.

"Hey babe." We kissed for a while and finally drove off to Audrey's house.

So there are some things to work on, but you should keep going. I wouldn't mind reading the rest of it.

They handled the grammar I suppose, so all I have to say is, try to describe the environment a bit! I tend to have trouble setting the scene, but the best way to do so is write your first paragraph to give your readers a place to look at in their minds. Describe things like the lighting, colors, smells, and stuff like that! I don't want to change the way you write though, so keep with your own style, I just wanted to let you know what helps me! Good job! I will definitely stay tuned!

Hey there,

A lot has already been said, however I would say just watch how you are typing e.g. i should be I; and I don't know if I am the only one who is like this but I don't know if replacing 'you' with 'ya' is the best thing to do in writing. I also think that there maybe room for some more descriptions throughout the piece or even emotions in the first paragraph. Like maybe instead of stating what's wrong, replace it with emotions and descriptions of what's wrong; if you get what i mean? (Maybe, but that's just me)
However overall I liked the fact you took the 'see how I got here' route for the story and I would love to see some more work

Hello!

Some nitpicks. Please capitalize your I's, you are important! Also I wouldn't switch you for ya, as mentioned before. I also wouldn't say things like "soooooo perfect" because then I just like start reading in like my like totally teenaged voice. And then I get annoyed with myself.

Teen pregnancy is a big issue (unfortunately our society glamorizes it with shows like 16 and Pregnant that makes teenaged moms famous...). Stories about teenaged pregnancy can get cliche as well, you even say in your story "cliche I know." That being said many real life things wind up being cliche, and stories like this are do-able. If you do them right.

My suggestions? I hate to be harsh but trash this. You have your general idea. Good girl goes bad over bad boy and her life gets ruined. Your whole intro could basically be summed up into that short explanation. And the brief interlude at the school is just unnecessary filler. Why not just start at the party? The first time they meet? Better yet, start with their doing the deed that results in her unwanted teenaged pregnancy. Remember, you need to make us like your main character in order for us to care if she gets pregnant or not. We need to be on her side. So while we're in her head reveal her true feelings. I can already tell she's going to be one of those girls with a hard outside that will give in to peer pressure and a soft inside.
And you have to make this guy someone we hate to love. He needs to be awful but also have another side. If he's the one who drags her down from perfection there's got to be a good reason.

Really sit down and think about your story. What do you want your readers to feel?
Let me know how it goes!

-RL

My Review:

The story truly happens in real life. But this was quite a cliche.

i already had a scholarship for Harvard and on top of that i was the most popular girl in school

WOW! Harvard, well I wouldn't waste my life if I'm a scholar of Harvard... ANd by the way capitalize your "I's"

i'm doing drugs and ... i'm pregnant

Really? ahmm... I cant believe that

The nitpicks were given above. End of Review .

Hey there!

You've already gotten a lot of great reviews, all pointing out the things I wanted to mention, especially the grammar and formatting.

I do just want to reiterate the point made about description. At the moment, the story is not only completely cliche; honestly, I feel like I've already read it, because the plot has been done so many times before. The character's aren't original at all. These sorts of stories always seem to be about how the perfect girls get their lives turned upside down when they fall pregnant. No-one ever writes about the 'normal' girls who get pregnant. It does happen to them too, you know

A way you could make it more original, different from the other stories that follow the same sort of plot line, is to describe things more. At the moment, this story is so rushed that I don't know what's going on. It jumps from scene to scene so rapidly that I'm left trying to catch up. If you slowed the pace a bit and added in more descriptions of scenery and people etc, then it would give the reader a chance to get to know your characters.

Here for example -

We were in the ninth grade when we met, we understood each other perfectly. It's like we were soul mates, i know so cliche right?

- you could add in more information. How did she know they were soul mates? Do they like the same music? Like the same subjects? Not only will the added information help to back-up the statement she makes about them being soul mates, but it'll give the reader an insight into their relationship and her personality.

At the moment, I don't care that your character is pregnant. I don't care about her full stop actually. There is nothing that makes her stand out to me. Nothing that makes me want to care about the fact that she's going to struggle with the concept of being a mother to be. That she may have to give up school and get a job to fund her child.

You need to take your time explaining what's happening in the scenes. Let the reader get to know your characters and care for them. Give your main character a bit more of a personality too. She just seems boring and unoriginal at the moment. Show us how she feels about being pregnant. Is she scared what her family will say? What her school friends and the father of the baby will say? She has no feelings at the moment and it makes her character seem flat and uninteresting. I want to care about her. I want to feel how she feels. Give her some life

I hope I don't sound harsh. I just want you to make this story the best that it can be by injecting more descriptions, slowing the pace, and giving the main character more originality and life.

xDudettex

Hey:) I like the ending.....it ends in suspense where you are just waiting to read what happens next....I loved it and it was really good. I totally look forward to the rest of the story!!!!!!!!!!

Oooo intriguing! Keep writing please!!!! I want to know how the party goes...details please! (pretend your readers are gossip queens who want to be informed!!!)

It's a good idea overall, but very unrealistic. For starters, I don't think anybody who knows that they're going to get into Harvard is just going to blow that opportunity off and decide to get into drugs and have unsafe sex. You have to be really flipping smart to get into Harvard, and this girl sounds very immature and ignorant to me. Maybe you could name a state university or something. Also, how can he live on his own when he's in the ninth grade? I don't think that's even legal. And how do they understand each other perfectly? We need more descriptions of this and more specific feelings.

Secondly, don't rush it! The girl is pregnant. Thats a pretty big deal if you ask me. What are her feelings towards that? it seems as if she doesn't even care. Why did she get into drugs? There should be a pretty good reason if she was going to Harvard. There are plenty of people who have divorced parents, and the majority can cope with that without drugs. When you rush a story, we don't get attached. If we aren't attached, we don't actually feel anything towards the story. We forget about it.

This has a lot of potential, but you need to be more descriptive and need to add more thoughts and emotions. There are grammar errors, but people already pointed that out.