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Sat Jun 11, 2011 2:06 am
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alabasterwolveness says...



As I sit on the coast of the stone cold ocean, I watch the sunset. Their mixes of colors blend into one another. Above the sun the clouds form a sea of their own. Purple, orange, yellow, pink, all blend into a flowing motion. Everything seems like paradise. The wave’s breaks along the sandy coast were I sit. The wind blows my hair; I close my eyes for a brief moment.
This is bliss in my mind. I slowly exhale and stand up to meet him by my side. I smile and greet him with a tight hug. He holds me in his arms as the sun vanishes among the horizon. This is a night that I shall sleep well. For this is the last day I shall ever see this beautiful place. This was my home, this was my palace and they are taking it all away. Why did we start this war? Our beaches, towns, and our homes will be destroyed.
I and Alex are leaving for America; my Aunt is letting us stay with her at her home. We both get into the car and I sink low in the passenger seat. I’m bottling up all of my sadness, all my hatred. This place I love will soon vanish and be only a faded memory. Alex glances at me and studies my face. We stop at a stoplight, only 30 minutes away from the airport. He puts his hand on my face and turns me toward him. I look at him with eyes of sorrow and he leans over, our lips meet giving a deep kiss. My cheeks turn red by the surprise and I get lost in the kiss, forgetting all of my sorrow and pain. Only focusing on him, wanting him to never leave my side. The light turns green and the moment we called ours has ended. He went to take his hand back on the steering wheel but I grab his hand. He glances at me and then smiles; I hold his hand close to my heart and slowly falling asleep to sound of his humming.
I wake to the sound of Alex taking my seatbelt off. He takes my hand in his and helps me out of the car. Dizzy from getting up quickly, I lean against him. Our bags are already on board the plane. We slowly walk through security, I’ve never been on a plane, and I’m really scared. Alex holds me close, and I slowly begin to calm down. The guide helps us fine our seats and I sit, facing to window. Alex pulls the arm rest up and wraps his arms around me. I smile, glad to be safe in his arms again. I pull out my laptop and begin to write poems that we create together. We laugh and smile at each other, and all of my discomfort vanishes. I slowly fall asleep with my laptop on my lap still. Alex takes it back into the laptop bag and leans me against him. He stays awake knowing it’s a 10 hour trip, to keep me safe. He feels the need, in case I dream the dream of demons again like I have been for the past week. I wake up 3 hours later, seeing he is very tired; I let him sleep while I write more. I yawn but glace at him, his face is completely relaxed. I slowly grab my sketch pad and begin to sketch him while he sleeps.
The guide walks up and glances, I shake my head no, wanting her to leave us alone. I wake him up gently and point out the window. He smiles as he glances at me. I smile but he catches in my eyes, the sorrow and pain of leaving our little beach back in Britten. He leans close and kisses my cheek and starts to see the sparkle in my eyes come back to life. We both get off the plane and I see my aunt. I run up and hug her tightly. Alex walks up behind me and I introduce him to my aunt.
“Auntie this is Alex,” I say as I grab my bags from Alex.
“Why, hello, Alex. I’m Robbins Aunt or you can just call me Auntie like she does,” she says as she leads up to the car outside. I help Alex put the bags in the back and we both get in the back seat. My auntie gets in and begins to drive back to her house. I glance out the window, watching all the trees and land appear then vanish in a flash. Alex is talking to my aunt. I sigh sadly and then see aunties house. Her house was big, its backyard filled with many horses I used to ride when I was little. There’s something different, like there’s someone here I know but have long forgotten. The car comes to a stop in the driveway. I saw him in the window, he was tall and lean. His green eyes stare into my hazel eyes.
“Robbin, you OK?” asks Alex. I glace at him and nod slowly. I get out of the car and walk inside the house. Helping my auntie with all the bags I and Alex brought with us. I and Alex share a room, so unpacking will be very easy. I plop on the bed next to Alex and stay close to him. He holds me close and pulls the covers over both of us. Then we hear a knock upon the door.
“Come in!” I holler towards the person who is behind it. The boy from earlier walks into the room glancing between me and Alex. His emerald eyes slowly stop upon me, his face looks so familiar. I begin to think back to the days when I used to come here during the summer. My mind lost into its own memories was suddenly surprised when the boy spoke.
“Welcome back Robbin. I’m glad to see that you made it back here ok,” The boy says as he turns towards Alex. “Well dinner is ready and I’ll be downstairs,” He says as he turns to walk away and out the door that separated us.
“Wait! How do you know of my name?” I ask the boy as he was about to turn down the long corridor.
“It’s been a long time but, I’m your brother. We were separated cause of our parents couldn’t handle both you and I. Thus, sending me here to live with Auntie. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to be there for you all these times that you had needed me,” The boy says as he vanishes into the long narrow corridor.
“M-my brother?” I ask myself, questioning the boys own words with mine. Alex glances at me, wondering if I had needed any comfort for what had just happened to me. I sink back into the bed, my mind slipping into my memories once again.
Alex watches the light in my eyes fade, my memories of whenever I could remember them. Alex touches my shoulder, my body automatically jumping at the touch of his warmth.
“Are you alright?” Alex asks as he looks back into my eyes once more to find the sparkle I always have.
“How… How could I forget I had a brother?” I ask him, the thought of him hating me frightened me.
“My love, don’t worry. He said it himself, that both of your parents had separated both of you. They couldn’t handle you guys, he won’t hate you if that’s what you’re thinking,” Alex says as he helps me up.
“But… I couldn’t remember him. It was only faint memories that I ever had of him. It must have hurt him for asking that foolish question,” I mumble, glancing down towards the hard wooden polished floor.
“Don’t think much of it; you and he have had different lives. It’s possible to forget a family member. Especially one that you didn’t know you had Robbin. He will understand,” Alex whispers into my ear as he leads me down towards the dinner table.
The spark in my eyes had faded away; I slowly walk to the side of the dinner table across from the boy who had claimed he was my brother. I take a quick glance towards him, wondering if his words were true. His features almost matched those of papa. The emerald eyes, the jet black hair that almost looked as soft as a new born kitten. The freckles that lightly sparkled from one cheek to the other. He was my brother, and I hated myself for never realizing it.
“Glad to see that both of you came to dinner,” Auntie says as she smiles towards us. Alex offers a kind smile back towards her, but I just sit there. Lost in my own thoughts as if I was nothing more than a lifeless doll.
“Thank you for the lovely dinner, it looks delightful,” Alex says as he nudges me in the side. I quickly jolt up from my thoughts, and glance at auntie.
“Yes, thank you very much auntie. It looks wonderful,” I say, showing a fake smile. The boy across the table just eats quietly as auntie asks us all about Britten and how we are feeling about what might happen to out lovely beach. At the end of dinner the boy stands up and helps auntie clean the dishes from the table and in the sinks.
I lead auntie away from a bit and begin to talk with her.
“Auntie… That boy in there claims he is my brother… Is that true?” I ask her.
“Yes sweetie it is true. Derek is your brother. I know I haven’t told you yet but really. He didn’t want you to feel like you had forgotten him so long ago. He figured it would hurt you and really he was right,” Auntie says as she hugs me tightly.
“Derek… He even acts like he is a great brother when I’m not there for him… How can he?” I ask, looking up at her confused as ever.
“Don’t worry; he is just trying to do things for you even though he can’t really do them himself. Do you understand dear?” Auntie asks as she rests her hand on my cheek. I turn and follow down the long corridor, outside of the giant oak doors. I turn, following a path towards the barn. My long hair flows in the midnight wind, I wonder if I was doing the right thing.
I turn, walking down a path towards the glistening lake under the midnight moon. The path lit up so lightly, the greatness of the lake was such a take. I manage to see Derek laying there on the bank of the lake, wondering what he was doing I slowly follow down a path towards him.
“Derek! What are you doing here on a cold night such as this?” I ask him, sitting next to him.
“Nothing, just thinking of what is going to happen back in Britten where you came from, I hope nothing gets destroyed cause of the war the queen wished to have,” Derek says, smiling towards me. Then I knew he was a brother because though I was never around him. I was something he loved, and that is something I will always cherish in my heart.
Last edited by alabasterwolveness on Mon Dec 05, 2011 3:38 am, edited 1 time in total.
~Lady Death~
Down in the dark, alone at night. Bleeding and Torn... Broken in the light
  





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498 Reviews



Gender: Female
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Wed Jun 15, 2011 12:54 am
theotherone says...



Hello Alabaster. :)

I'll begin with the nitpicks and then go on with my overall impression of your story.
As I sit on the coast of the stone cold ocean, I watch the sunset. Their mixes of colors blend into one another. Above the sun, the clouds form a sea of their own. Purple, orange, yellow, pink, all blend into a flowing motion. Everything seems like paradise. The wave’s breaks along the sandy coast were I sit. The wind blows my hair; I close my eyes for a brief moment. This is bliss in my mind.
*Space*
I slowly exhale and stand up to meet him by my side. I smile and greet him with a tight hug. He holds me in his arms as the sun vanishes among the horizon. This is a night that I shall sleep well. For this is the last day I shall ever see this place. This was my home, this was my palace and they are taking it all away. Why did we start this war? Our beaches, towns, and our homes will be destroyed.
[color=#FF0000]*Space*[/color]
I and Alex are leaving for America; my aunt is letting us stay. We both get into the car and I sink low in the passenger seat. I’m bottling up all of my sadness, all my hatred. This place I love will soon vanish and be only a faded memory. Alex glances at me and studies my face. We stop at a stoplight, only 30 minutes away from the airport. He puts his hand on my face and turns me toward him. I look at him with eyes of sorrow and he leans over, our lips meet giving a deep kiss. My cheeks turn red by the surprise and I get lost in the kiss, forgetting all of my sorrow and pain. Only focusing on him, wanting him to never leave. The light turns green and the moment we called ours has ended. He went to take his hand back on the steering wheel but I grab his hand. He glances at me and then smiles; I hold his hand close to my heart and slowly falling asleep to his humming.
*Space*
I wake to the sound of Alex taking my seat belt off. He takes my hand in his and helps me out of the car. Dizzy from getting up quickly, I lean against him. Our bags, already on board the plane. We slowly walk through security, I’ve never been on a plane, and I’m really scared. Alex holds me close, and I slowly begin to calm down. The guide helps us fine our seats and I sit, facing to window. Alex pulls the arm rest up and wraps his arms around me. I smile, glad to be safe in his arms again. I pull out my laptop and begin to write poems that we create together. We laugh and smile at each other, and all of my discomfort vanishes. I slowly fall asleep with my laptop on my lap still. Alex takes it back into the laptop bag and leans me against him. He stays awake knowing it’s a 10 hour trip, to keep me safe. He feels the need, in case I dream the dream of demons again like I have been for the past week. I wake up 3 hours later, seeing he is very tired; I let him sleep while I write more. I yawn but glace at him, his face is completely relaxed. I slowly grab my sketch pad and begin to sketch him while he sleeps.
*Space*
The guide walks up and glances, I shake my head no, wanting her to leave us alone. I wake him up gently and point out the window. He smiles as he glances at me. I smile but he catches in my eyes, the sorrow and pain of leaving our little beach back in Britten. He leans close and kisses my cheek and starts to see the sparkle in my eyes come back to life. We both get off the plane and I see my aunt. I run up and hug her tightly. Alex walks up behind me and I introduce him to my aunt.

I separated this huge paragraph because it was a little bit discouraging to look at it.

The flow of your story is not really what you want it to be. It's really harsh and fast paced because of the short sentences with many periods. It gives us an angry feeling instead of a slow, peaceful, romantic feel you might want to use. I know for a fact that it's easier to read a story when it's less aggressive to the eyes. You should at least try to combine some of your sentences to try to work on that.

Plot wise, it was really good. I liked it. :) I also like all the details you've put into it, it was a nice touch.

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466
  





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Mon Jun 27, 2011 12:33 am
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ASH1397 says...



Hello there :)

Great story! I'll start out with some nit picks:
As I sit on the coast of the stone cold ocean, I watch the sunset. Their mixes of colors blend into one another. Above the sun, the clouds form a sea of their own. Purple, orange, yellow, pink, all blend into a flowing motion. Everything seems like paradise. The wave’s breaks along the sandy coast were I sit. The wind blows my hair; I close my eyes for a brief moment. This is bliss in my mind. I slowly exhale and stand up to meet him by my side. I smile and greet him with a tight hug. He holds me in his arms as the sun vanishes among the horizon. This is a night that I shall sleep well. For this is the last day I shall ever see this place. This was my home, this was my palace and they are taking it all away. Why did we start this war? Our beaches, towns, and our homes will be destroyed. I and Alex are leaving for America; my aunt is letting us stay. We both get into the car and I sink low in the passenger seat. I’m bottling up all of my sadness, all my hatred. This place I love will soon vanish and be only a faded memory. Alex glances at me and studies my face. We stop at a stoplight, only 30 minutes away from the airport. He puts his hand on my face and turns me toward him. I look at him with eyes of sorrow and he leans over, our lips meet giving a deep kiss. My cheeks turn red by the surprise and I get lost in the kiss, forgetting all of my sorrow and pain. Only focusing on him, wanting him to never leave. The light turns green and the moment we called ours has ended. He went to take his hand back on the steering wheel but I grab his hand. He glances at me and then smiles; I hold his hand close to my heart and slowly falling asleep to his humming. I wake to the sound of Alex taking my seatbelt off. He takes my hand in his and helps me out of the car. Dizzy from getting up quickly, I lean against him. Our bags, already on board the plane. We slowly walk through security, I’ve never been on a plane, and I’m really scared. Alex holds me close, and I slowly begin to calm down. The guide helps us fine our seats and I sit, facing to window. Alex pulls the arm rest up and wraps his arms around me. I smile, glad to be safe in his arms again. I pull out my laptop and begin to write poems that we create together. We laugh and smile at each other, and all of my discomfort vanishes. I slowly fall asleep with my laptop on my lap still. Alex takes it back into the laptop bag and leans me against him. He stays awake knowing it’s a 10 hour trip, to keep me safe. He feels the need, in case I dream the dream of demons again like I have been for the past week. I wake up 3 hours later, seeing he is very tired; I let him sleep while I write more. I yawn but glace at him, his face is completely relaxed. I slowly grab my sketch pad and begin to sketch him while he sleeps. The guide walks up and glances, I shake my head no, wanting her to leave us alone. I wake him up gently and point out the window. He smiles as he glances at me. I smile but he catches in my eyes, the sorrow and pain of leaving our little beach back in Britten. He leans close and kisses my cheek and starts to see the sparkle in my eyes come back to life. We both get off the plane and I see my aunt. I run up and hug her tightly. Alex walks up behind me and I introduce him to my aunt.

This was HUGE!! Very well written, but it covers 10 different topics or thoughts as least. So you might want to put this in 5 paragraphs or so, for each thought begins and ends.

“Why hello Alex. I’m Robbins Aunt or you can just call me Auntie like she does,”

"Aunt" and "Auntie" should both be capitalized, in this section as well as the other sections where the Aunt is mentioned.

“Robbin, you OK?”

Comma, and a grammar issue.

“Why, hello, Alex.

Comma's again



And finally, my favorite part:
Then I knew, he was a brother because though I was never around him. I was something he loved, and that is something I will always cherish in my heart. Always and forever, I will never forget him, i thank you my brother for teaching me what it means to love without ever needing to be by that one person. Thank you.

This is one of the best ends I have ever read in my life.

Overall, this story was very touching, and I like how you put family love and a love for a boyfriend, as well all in one story. You are truly an amazing writer!

Let me know when you post more so I can review!

keep writing,
--Ash
And just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she turned into a beautiful butterfly.
  





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Wed Nov 16, 2011 7:03 am
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ZombieSquirrel says...



I would pay for that if it were on a shelf, I don't read ever romance stories (I mean ever) But I was enthralled by the imagery, just plain beautiful in some places. I loved the events on the Plane, that was my favorite part! You need to write a Novel like this because your talent will take you to the top one day. And no, I am not exaggerating. :) Keep it up.
  








The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.
— Alvin Toffler