z

Young Writers Society


A Dream



User avatar
107 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 17265
Reviews: 107
Sun Jun 12, 2011 6:19 pm
Alpha says...



1888 A.D.:
That night, Andromeda had that dream again.

Nightmare was a better word. She hadn't dreamt it for months, the last time was before she turned sixteen.

She was nine years old again. There was a fire growing in the living room, where she was. It was licking on the wallpaper, feeding on everything it encountered.

And her right hand was chained to the dining table. Someone was trying to move it. She looked at the person chained to the other leg of the table. He was older than her, eleven years old. A mop of dark hair covered his eyes. He tried to stand up, but was forced into bending down because the leg of the table was short.

"Stop," she told him. "Give up." It was almost as though someone else spoke the words for her.

"No," he shouted at her. "I'll never give up! We'll survive, you'll see!"

She brushed her hair away, using her free hand.The sweat on her face making her hair stick on it.

She recalled not being afraid. Why would she be? She had been a good girl, she knew it even though she couldn't remember why.

Then the music started. It came from the next room, she saw someone lock it just a while ago. It was very strange music. It filled her with sadness and unhappy thoughts.

Mother, she thought at the time. Why are you so sad? Why are you playing the piano like this?
The sudden shouting made her look up. It frightened her a little because she never heard her friend shout the way he did.

"You heartless idiots, why did you have to chain her too? She didn't do anything wrong!"
He was shouting at two huge men who appeared at the entrance door, safe from the fire.
One of them spoke. "You are a Venetian. You are an enemy. She is an enemy. She must die, too."
Andromeda was confused.

"Ragazzino," she started calling him by the nickname she always used for him. It meant 'little boy'. "Did these men do anything to you?" she asked. It was extremely hot now. When will it stop?

"Merda, si!" He yelled. "Si, you stupid girl, they're killing us all!"
"But… It's all right, Ragazzino," she tried to tell him, not even minding that he called her stupid. "Won't we go to heaven when we die?"

When she held his hand, he instantly softened. "Yes, Andy. You'll go to Paradise."

She squeezed his hand, not because she was frightened, but to let him know she was with him. "What about you, Ragazzino?"
He smiled at her, a sad smile.
"Non lo so, Andy."

The music continued, the most beautiful melody she ever heard. But also…
What was that word her father taught her that day?
Melancholy, she finally remembered.

Someone else appeared at the door. It was one man this time, alone. He was tall, he looked important. Her friend told him something in a language she did not know. He sounded like he was pleading. He said a few more sentences, the man shook his head, and raised one finger. Andromeda knew he meant 'one'. But one what?

The boy went on pleading with him, and she heard her own name mentioned a couple of times. Finally, the man nodded once.

"Grazie," said the boy, sounding relieved and genuinely thankful.

"Who is this man?" she asked her friend.
He looked at her, his eyes tearful. He wasn't even hiding it, which was strange. She never saw him cry.
"Perdonami, Andy. This man will save you."

The man approached her, and she tried to get away from him.
"No," she cried. "I'm not leaving you! You're my only true friend!"

"I won't hurt you," the man told her soothingly. He was holding a key. He waited until she calmed down, the he unlocked the pad and took it off. The chain fell away.

The man took her hand and tried to lead her out, but she pulled on him.

"What about Ragazzino?"she asked the man.

"You have to go with him, Andy," said her friend.
"But I can't leave you!"

"You have to, Andy! You must! Now, go!" He was almost begging her to leave, now. But she didn't understand. Who were these people? They locked up her parents in a room, they chained her and Ragazzino, they were setting her home on fire. She remembered her father telling her that there were some bad people in Venice, and they were doing bad things to her city.
The man who held her hand said something then tried to pull her away. He had to carry her himself because she simply couldn't move.

And as she was taken out, she managed to look at the burning house once more. The song was still playing, ringing in her ears, now accompanied by a woman's screaming.

Ragazzino, her friend, was no longer trying to break the chains. They stared at one another, even though she couldn't see him clearly because the smoke was filling her vision. She didn't call out because she knew he wouldn't hear her, so she raised her hand and waved at him.

He waved back and mouthed something. Despite the distance, she read what his lips said quite easily. It was the same phrase they had used in a play they acted almost every day.
Farewell, little angel.
Then she could see him no longer.


Andromeda woke up with a start. She was breathing deeply in and out, as though she had just run the whole length of the Grand Canal. It took her a few seconds to realize that she could still hear that sad music. Not in her head, though.
It was coming from downstairs.

Spoiler! :
Hey
This is part of a novel I'm writing right now, and it's different from my other dream. What did you feel when you read this? Do you like it?
Okay, then. Hope you enjoyed it!
Cheers,
Alpha
Last edited by Alpha on Fri Sep 30, 2011 12:36 pm, edited 4 times in total.
  





User avatar
498 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 22451
Reviews: 498
Sun Jun 12, 2011 8:02 pm
theotherone says...



Hello Alpha. :)

I'll begin with the nitpicks and then go on with my overall impression on your story.
She brushed her hair away, the sweat on her face making her hair stick on it.

I'm a little bit confused since they were chained, and normally when you someone is chained, they tie the hands together to they can't move as much... You keep saying they take their hands later on in the story, I recommend you work on this, since it's a little bit confusing.
she knew it even though she couldn't remember why.

He was almost begging her to leave, now.

It was the same phrase they had used in a play they acted almost every day.

Plot wise, it was okay. I think you should remind us once in a while that this is a dream, since you just mention it at the beginning and I know I forgot it by the end. Also, the setting is not clear. You use a few Italian words, which helps a little bit, but it could be anywhere in Italy. You might want to mention this as well, just briefly so we know.

To be honest, I didn't feel much when I read this... The story was good, and you wrote it fine too, but I feel like you could put a little more emotions in it. I know she isn't quiet scared at the beginning, not until she has to leaver her friend, but I think it would add a little bit to the emotion part if she would be scared. If you could make us feel her fear... I think it would bring the story to another level.

Other than that, I like the story. I like how it's pretty much a mystery, since she was took young to understand much of it.

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
Need a reviewer? I don't bite, I promise. :) ---> viewtopic.php?f=188&t=76466
  





User avatar
107 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 17265
Reviews: 107
Mon Jun 13, 2011 7:05 am
Alpha says...



theotherone wrote:Hello Alpha. :)

I'll begin with the nitpicks and then go on with my overall impression on your story.
She brushed her hair away, the sweat on her face making her hair stick on it.

I'm a little bit confused since they were chained, and normally when you someone is chained, they tie the hands together to they can't move as much... You keep saying they take their hands later on in the story, I recommend you work on this, since it's a little bit confusing.
she knew it even though she couldn't remember why.

He was almost begging her to leave, now.

It was the same phrase they had used in a play they acted almost every day.

Plot wise, it was okay. I think you should remind us once in a while that this is a dream, since you just mention it at the beginning and I know I forgot it by the end. Also, the setting is not clear. You use a few Italian words, which helps a little bit, but it could be anywhere in Italy. You might want to mention this as well, just briefly so we know.

To be honest, I didn't feel much when I read this... The story was good, and you wrote it fine too, but I feel like you could put a little more emotions in it. I know she isn't quiet scared at the beginning, not until she has to leaver her friend, but I think it would add a little bit to the emotion part if she would be scared. If you could make us feel her fear... I think it would bring the story to another level.

Other than that, I like the story. I like how it's pretty much a mystery, since she was took young to understand much of it.

Keep writing!

-Other One


Thanks, your absolutely right, about most of your points. I'm working on it now.
Thanks a lot!
Cheers,
Alpha
  





User avatar
122 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6553
Reviews: 122
Mon Jun 13, 2011 2:20 pm
ASH1397 says...



Amazing, amazing, amazing!
The whole story was chilling, and very descriptive of the overall scene of what was happening, and kind of the inward terror the girl felt. that piano playing at the end? very nice touch; gives it a sense of mystery and eerie start up for something else.
To me, this seemed more like a thriller, so did you post it here because of the children who were locked to the table leg and they had feelings for each other, or something else? And was the dream a past life, or did it happen in her life?
This left me with lots of questions, and that's always a good thing in my eyes :)

once again, great job. I didn't do nitpicks because it seems you already know about them :)

Keep your creativity flowing
--Ash
And just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she turned into a beautiful butterfly.
  





User avatar
98 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2367
Reviews: 98
Mon Jun 13, 2011 5:23 pm
Qoh16 says...



I honestly was confsued. I couldn't figure out who was talking half the time. But once you fix that, I think it shall be a great story and you should really continue. Other that, good luck. Keep writing!!! XD

Qoh16
~Life has a song for every moment in life. It is just the matter of finding the right one.~
  





User avatar
267 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 314
Reviews: 267
Mon Jun 13, 2011 9:03 pm
Nike says...



Hey, you asked for a review so I came. I loved this so much. The story is really great. You gave great description and I could feel the MC's feelings/emotions. I could easily imagine myself in the very dream. I loved how you mentioned every detail, it was needed. If you need anymore reviews, just tell me.

Keep Writing!

Nike :)
“There is no need to call me Sir, Professor.”
  





User avatar
67 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 557
Reviews: 67
Sun Jun 26, 2011 11:24 pm
mistielovesyou says...



This was a good story, but it could be improved with more background. I'd suggest you let the reader in on exactly why and how these people in Venice were killing people off, and burning houses. And sorry, but I didn't understand how the piano was a big deal to her. I didn't get the effect of the ending. Maybe you could combine the piano with some other sound to signify that something bad was going to happen? Good luck.
mistura is awesome and she loves you
  





User avatar
107 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 17265
Reviews: 107
Mon Jun 27, 2011 7:29 am
Alpha says...



Thanks for your opinion. The thing is that this is part of a novella. The things you mentioned are explained with detail in previous chapters (which I haven't published yet).
  





User avatar



Gender: Female
Points: 300
Reviews: 0
Mon Jun 27, 2011 7:58 am
LadyRaRa says...



Hiya!!
I liked this a lot! I loved the end when the music was playing. It needed more emotion though, thats the only thing that could have made it better, in my opinion.
Your doing a great job!
Keep Writing!!

-RaRa
Lovers Will Love Liars Will Lie
  





User avatar
120 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 444
Reviews: 120
Sat Oct 08, 2011 3:48 pm
Emmzziee says...



I just loved this, Alpha, and although everybody's contest entries were truly fantastic, I thought that this definately desereved to be in the top three - I've therefore given you second place :D YAY!
More than anybody else's, I found this one piece of writing to be one of the most thorough - whilst still being clear. I understood what was going on, even though you'd written about something that I would find complicated to write about.
You used a good era, or time in history, or whatever you wanna' call it to write about :D
I couldn't see any mistakes, and I like your character.
Well done!!!
I'll be back soon with your points... That I need to get o_O
Good luck
Emmzziee
(:
I want to play a game.
  








Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.
— Nelson Mandela