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The Queen Bee [Part One]



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Mon Jun 13, 2011 12:22 pm
thecamillecalalas says...



Melissa Suarez woke up blinded by the bright ray of light. She slowly opened her eyes. It came from the glass window with its curtains up. She closed her eyes again. She felt her head throbbing. Where was she? She couldn't remember anything. Her head hurt harder when she began to think what had happened.
Images flashed in her mind like a blinding slideshow. Last night, she was packing things in a hurry. She was throwing her sleeping bag outside her window. She was going out of the house in tiptoes, still in her PJs. She was getting the bag she had thrown from her window, and jumping on the DMAX driven by her friend Lily. She was escaping home for a crazy sleepover. Or was it even a sleepover? It hardly was.
Melissa had arrived at Lily's with the rest of the gang waiting for her.
"Oh, here comes the Queen Bee," declared Miko, one of the gorgeous guys at school and Mel's classmate since kindergarten, who was resting on the wide sofa with the other guys. They had already opened a bottle of tequila.
"Or should we say, Math Freak?" said Bryan loudly, son of the CEO of Pru Life UK office in Davao City. The others laughed.
"Oh, shut up", Mel said, throwing Bryan a throw pillow.
"Are you really serious about that Math Inter-school Quiz stuff Mel? I mean, that's the biggest contest you're about to join. And at school, people know you as the Queen Bee slash Mean girl. I usually enjoy that. But knowing that you are now a Math nerd, you scare the hell out of me", Miko said, looking a bit worried, which made Mel giggle silently.
She went near her long-time friend and almost-boyfriend. She knew Miko liked her. She liked him too- but in a way people call "more than a friend but less than a lover". Maybe it was because she had known Miko for a long time, and she felt that there was indeed something in their friendship- something she could not admit, something that she wasn't ready for. Once, Miko had tried to talk to her about taking things to the next level, and for days she had avoided talking to him. When things had got back to normal, Miko had never brought up the topic again. Mel adored Miko, she knew that. She was just not ready for an official relationship.
Melissa gently brushed Miko's bangs off his forehead, revealing his full gorgeous face.
"Don't be such a drama queen, my dear", Mel said in a low tone. "Nothing will ever change."
"With or without Math?" asked Miko, though smiling, there was something serious in his voice.
"With or without Math", Mel assured him smilingly.
Math- even the thought of it usually made Mel feel agitated, which she voluntarily hid as she was in front of Miko. She knew she had a social hierarchy at school, but that never stopped her from loving the subject. It was like having a passion that only herself could relate into, not even her closest friends. She was somehow thankful that people at school still looked at her the same way, like Math made her cooler. But sometimes she also thought that it was just the kind of clique she had that made her remain in her social status- though her friends never quite agreed with her joining Math team, and even Emerald, or Em-em, one of her posh friends and a former Math lover, ditched the team and joined cheer leading squad to gain more adoration from the school crowd. Mel couldn't just give up her passion, which also bothered her, because it wasn't what she was expected to do.
"Are we throwing a party or watching a soap opera?" complained Lily, who was now standing impatiently in Mel's side, wearing a dazzling party dress. Em-em climbed and stood on the sofa, her thick wedges wiping dirt on the expensive furniture. She raised her small glass of tequila and announced, "Let the party begin."
All of a sudden loud music boomed and Mel was changed into her party dress. Lily's parents were out for the week. Lily Chan was one-fourth Chinese. She was somehow related to Ben Chan, the founder of Bench clothing. Lily's parents were bigtime business tycoons in Davao City. They were visiting Lily's grandmother in China so Lily invited the gang for a "sleepover" at their big house in Monteritz Classic Estates.
Like what Mel had figured, it wasn't really a sleepover. There were eight of them in the Chans' luxurious living room. Only three of them were girls- Mel, Lily and Em-em. The rest were all guys- Miko and his closest mates in the school's basketball team. Mel had been used to this kind of parties with them. And that night was just one of the greatest for Mel. They were all drinking, laughing, and taking pictures. Her girl friends had been dancing and flirting with Nardo and Charles. And the next thing Mel knew, she was hooking up with Miko. And it wasn't like it was the first time. They had kissed on parties before- and in every kiss Mel counted every spark, and every spark just wasn't enough.
Though Mel was usually referred to as the Queen Bee, she was still secretly admitting to herself that she was a hopeless romantic. She, like every girl on this planet, also wanted a fairy tale romance. And that fairy tale romance was absolutely not her kissing a guy on wild parties. What was her type of fairy tale romance anyway? She pictured herself having a date with a nerd guy in his amazing Physics lab, just like what she had seen in the movie, The Sorcerer's Apprentice. Or herself waiting in a balcony, and her prince coming for her, like in Taylor Swift's music video, would have been good enough. But those kind of romances, only happened to good girls, especially in the movies. And those good girls weren't Queen Bees at school. That bothered Melissa much. It made her stop kissing Miko that moment and inch away from him.
"What's wrong?" Miko wondered.
"I think I need a little air," said Melissa. She stood up, left Miko, and strode off to get a drink. She grabbed a glass and a bottle of vodka and hurried upstairs to Lily's room. She left everyone partying downstairs.
Alone in Lily's room, she felt heavy inside her. She was perfect at school, smart and beautiful at her age. She grew up with money. Her parents raised her in a big house, with wide enough space for her to play around when she was little. She was the only child in the family- she could have all she wanted. She bullied people at school who annoyed her. Still, everyone praised her. Everytime she was alone to think, she always thought the same thing: all mean girls never have had happy endings in their lives. What if, she would have the same fate? That she would never be able to have her prince? Was Miko even her prince? If he was, then why was she still bothered? Could it be because, Miko was not the one she was looking for? She felt tired of thinking and drank alcohol until she felt dizzy. She couldn't anymore remember what had happened after that.

Melissa's head was still hurting. Now that she remembered most of last night, she opened her eyes again. She was still in Lily's room.
Last edited by thecamillecalalas on Fri Jun 24, 2011 3:40 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"There's a touch of madness in every great mind."
  





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Mon Jun 13, 2011 5:15 pm
Qoh16 says...



This was really good. But I am wondering where this is going. It is a very interesting start. Needs a little work but a really good start. Hope you post more. Good luck and keep writing XD

Qoh16
~Life has a song for every moment in life. It is just the matter of finding the right one.~
  





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Mon Jun 13, 2011 11:06 pm
AllieMeadows says...



I really like this. I hope you post more because I want to se I you're MC finds her prince that every girl hopes to find one day. Keep up the good work and keep writing. Let me know when you post more.
Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead :o <3
  





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Tue Jun 14, 2011 11:10 pm
misstoria says...



This is a great piece I just feel that can be choppy in parts. It makes sense, but it can be hard to put together. i recomened you re-read it and think about it's flow. However, this is still a really good piece, keep it up!!
You are more than the choices that you've made, you are more than the sum of your past mistakes. You are more than the problems you create, You'v been remade.

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Thu Jun 23, 2011 3:20 pm
sarebear says...



Hello there,

First of all, I don't really understand Melissa's position in the social hierarchy of school. It's unusual to have a perfect pretty girl who is considered a mean girl and a "Queen Bee" who is also a math nerd. It seems as though you've given your MC too much of a good thing. This is fine, as long as she has some flaws--don't forget to develop those just as much!

I'm going to refrain from doing nitpicks right now. There are a few typos in here but those can be fixed by plugging this into word an hitting "spell-check" (which I would definitely advise you to do). This is a nice piece otherwise, but as the other reviewers said, it feels incomplete. Look over it, try to make it cohesive. Although it is part one, it should leave the reader partly satisfied and partly eager for more.

Keep writing!

sare
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a psychologist.
  





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Fri Jun 24, 2011 7:08 am
mikepyro says...



Not bad. You have some points where you bunch up she did this then she did that and she saw kind of lines. These don't pull me in and read like the actions are being ticked off a checklist. You must be wary of these pOints. I suggest adding more into this queen bee, give us insight into her world and how she thinks. How is she also a math nerd, seems a little odd, what drives her? She's rather stereotypical here.

Ty and avoid using adverbs like suddenly or other ly ending words, they cut away from the action. I know it's sudden, pointing it out just pulls me from it.

I'm not trying to sound negative, overall I found the dialogue and structure of the piece very strong, and though I can't quite see where the story is leading me I am interested to read more.

So take it through a few more edits, and it'll be even better!
  





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Fri Jun 24, 2011 3:59 pm
thecamillecalalas says...



Hello everyone! Thank you for the reviews. I did some editing on this piece and I'd be glad if you check this piece again if there have been improvements. Also, I already submitted part two and am planning to submit part three in a short while. I hope you check them out too. You are really helping me to be a better writer. Thanks again!! :)

-Cam
"There's a touch of madness in every great mind."
  








The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.
— Amelia Earhart